I can't sleep..
I can't sleep..I feel like I never really sleep..even when I do sleep. which is rare. and its late. I have to be up at 7:45, but no matter how hard I try. I can't sleep when I need to.
I'm shaking right now. I havent been keepin up on my medication and I've been shaking for hours..its starts in my toes..and now my arms are shaking..
I just want to sleep. I feel so numb to the world lately I don't even know what the hell thats about. I'm just so tired of being sick everyday. every day of my life. I don't remember signing up for this shit. whatever the fuck I did to deserve this I regret. I'm sorry. whatever it was. I just feel so numb. I'm tiredd of being me.
I look at some of my friends, and I'm jelous of them. thats not me. what the hell am i doing? I feel like I just go through the motions anymore. I don't know. maybe I'll just stay up. and be able to sleep tomorrow. yeah.
I'm listening to dave. that always seems to make everything ok. its not now. i just want to scream. scream for what i dunno but i want to scream for help--for someone to see how lonely i feel. to see that im not me. i have 80 godzillion thoughts running through my head all the time and I can't even tell you the last time I was happy.
everything seems so fake to me. everyone seems like they have alterior motives and im so tired of trying to be everything to everyone. nothing ever seems to go my way. just one or two things to go my way thats all i want. just someone something out there to happen good for me. is anyone listening?
my parents--well at least my mom--doesn't see me for me. she sees what she wants me to be. and i try. god knows how hard i try. i love my dad. thank god for him. the provider. the healer. the fixer of all that is bad in the world. we dont really talk and how i wish we really did. i really wish i could just call and talk to my dad but hes so busy. he tries so hard to be everything all at the same time and i love him for that. im just like him.
im majoring in business for him. ive never been a reall success to him and i know that. im not athletic like my brother, or cute and innocent like my sister. im not the daughter they expected and that kills me. i break the mold. i just want to be there mold. and have them be proud of me. happy with me. i want to be a success and maybe business is my way to do it.
im tired of being overweight. im tired of not being skinny. i want to be thin--offical goal of the summer is to be thin. im just going to work in that god foresaken place. go to summer school. and go to the gym. i want to be able to flaunt my stomach off and be considered pretty. i will loose weight. i already have. i want to loose alot. i want to come back being like 140-145..i think the rule is 5 pounds for every inch over 5 feet tall. im 5'7' and if i weigh 140 that would be great. 5*7=35, so 140-145 is the summer goal.
i think i look to food for comfort from all the pain i feel inside. why do i feel pain though? i have a great life, great friends, family..and still my heart aches.
i like derek. i have genuine feelings for him, and i like the way he kisses me, the way he talks to me. i like him. but he doesnt like im me all the time, i usually have to im him. he doesnt really call either. hes not like pursing me out like im used to. but im still drawn to him. i dunno why. and he says he likes me too. but he just got out of a long hard relationship--i gotta be patient. show him im here. i want to be here.
i relate so much to daves lyrics. it helps me to hear him sing of pain. "Stay or leave, I want you not to go..Whisper to me your days afternoon...what day is this"
I want you not to go. stay with me.
Isn't it strange how I've changed? Im the most adult ive ever been. I can finally say im independant. Im not the same me I was when I came here in August. maybe this is all a growing experience and how i need to grow...I'm almost 20 years old. I mean not soon but i feel the reall world creepin in and how it scares the shit out of me..
Life is pain, princess..
I'm shaking right now. I havent been keepin up on my medication and I've been shaking for hours..its starts in my toes..and now my arms are shaking..
I just want to sleep. I feel so numb to the world lately I don't even know what the hell thats about. I'm just so tired of being sick everyday. every day of my life. I don't remember signing up for this shit. whatever the fuck I did to deserve this I regret. I'm sorry. whatever it was. I just feel so numb. I'm tiredd of being me.
I look at some of my friends, and I'm jelous of them. thats not me. what the hell am i doing? I feel like I just go through the motions anymore. I don't know. maybe I'll just stay up. and be able to sleep tomorrow. yeah.
I'm listening to dave. that always seems to make everything ok. its not now. i just want to scream. scream for what i dunno but i want to scream for help--for someone to see how lonely i feel. to see that im not me. i have 80 godzillion thoughts running through my head all the time and I can't even tell you the last time I was happy.
everything seems so fake to me. everyone seems like they have alterior motives and im so tired of trying to be everything to everyone. nothing ever seems to go my way. just one or two things to go my way thats all i want. just someone something out there to happen good for me. is anyone listening?
my parents--well at least my mom--doesn't see me for me. she sees what she wants me to be. and i try. god knows how hard i try. i love my dad. thank god for him. the provider. the healer. the fixer of all that is bad in the world. we dont really talk and how i wish we really did. i really wish i could just call and talk to my dad but hes so busy. he tries so hard to be everything all at the same time and i love him for that. im just like him.
im majoring in business for him. ive never been a reall success to him and i know that. im not athletic like my brother, or cute and innocent like my sister. im not the daughter they expected and that kills me. i break the mold. i just want to be there mold. and have them be proud of me. happy with me. i want to be a success and maybe business is my way to do it.
im tired of being overweight. im tired of not being skinny. i want to be thin--offical goal of the summer is to be thin. im just going to work in that god foresaken place. go to summer school. and go to the gym. i want to be able to flaunt my stomach off and be considered pretty. i will loose weight. i already have. i want to loose alot. i want to come back being like 140-145..i think the rule is 5 pounds for every inch over 5 feet tall. im 5'7' and if i weigh 140 that would be great. 5*7=35, so 140-145 is the summer goal.
i think i look to food for comfort from all the pain i feel inside. why do i feel pain though? i have a great life, great friends, family..and still my heart aches.
i like derek. i have genuine feelings for him, and i like the way he kisses me, the way he talks to me. i like him. but he doesnt like im me all the time, i usually have to im him. he doesnt really call either. hes not like pursing me out like im used to. but im still drawn to him. i dunno why. and he says he likes me too. but he just got out of a long hard relationship--i gotta be patient. show him im here. i want to be here.
i relate so much to daves lyrics. it helps me to hear him sing of pain. "Stay or leave, I want you not to go..Whisper to me your days afternoon...what day is this"
I want you not to go. stay with me.
Isn't it strange how I've changed? Im the most adult ive ever been. I can finally say im independant. Im not the same me I was when I came here in August. maybe this is all a growing experience and how i need to grow...I'm almost 20 years old. I mean not soon but i feel the reall world creepin in and how it scares the shit out of me..
Life is pain, princess..