R.I.P. Yiayia
My grandmother died Friday afternoon. She didn't look human anymore. her forehead and use stretched out. Her arms looked unnaturally long and her hands huge. It was like all signs of life left.
I knew she would be passing soon. I felt guilty because for months I prayed that she wouldn't pass until after the semester was over because I was already barely hanging on as it is. How fucked up is that?! _I_ was barely hanging on! (?) But it didn't stop the prayer. Thursday was my last day. She died the next day.
I felt peace standing in the hospice room. I'd like to believe it's a reflection of her peace. She wasn't there anymore. It had been storming for days. The sun started to shine.
She was such a sweet person, but so hard to deal with in some ways. I was often angry art her and I feel so guilty about that.
I don't know what's going to happen now. She lived off of and paid for hers and my mothers house with my grandfathers pension. My mother can't afford to live alone. I offered to pay bills and balance the books but only if I know everything that's owed and where all the money is going, but she isn't even willing to see that conversation through to fruition let alone simply agree to my terms. I won't commit to this if I don't know exactly what I'm getting into. She has so many problems. I'm her only hope. And she can't even trust me. I have never done anything remotely deserving of the way she treats me. She is the one that has wronged me. It would be cruel towards her to remove myself from the situation. It would be cruel to myself to stay.
I think about my feelings of guilt regarding my grandmother and I don't want something much worse with my mother. But can I cope with her? She has some serious issues and she makes me feel like Shit. Is it right to stay really involved when it will give me greater need for therapy? And I have a hard time not getting angry and expressing that anger. The future does not look good for her.
I knew she would be passing soon. I felt guilty because for months I prayed that she wouldn't pass until after the semester was over because I was already barely hanging on as it is. How fucked up is that?! _I_ was barely hanging on! (?) But it didn't stop the prayer. Thursday was my last day. She died the next day.
I felt peace standing in the hospice room. I'd like to believe it's a reflection of her peace. She wasn't there anymore. It had been storming for days. The sun started to shine.
She was such a sweet person, but so hard to deal with in some ways. I was often angry art her and I feel so guilty about that.
I don't know what's going to happen now. She lived off of and paid for hers and my mothers house with my grandfathers pension. My mother can't afford to live alone. I offered to pay bills and balance the books but only if I know everything that's owed and where all the money is going, but she isn't even willing to see that conversation through to fruition let alone simply agree to my terms. I won't commit to this if I don't know exactly what I'm getting into. She has so many problems. I'm her only hope. And she can't even trust me. I have never done anything remotely deserving of the way she treats me. She is the one that has wronged me. It would be cruel towards her to remove myself from the situation. It would be cruel to myself to stay.
I think about my feelings of guilt regarding my grandmother and I don't want something much worse with my mother. But can I cope with her? She has some serious issues and she makes me feel like Shit. Is it right to stay really involved when it will give me greater need for therapy? And I have a hard time not getting angry and expressing that anger. The future does not look good for her.