pity-party for one
after yesterday's triumphant post, i can't help feeling there's all sorts of ironies in posting an entry about failing miserably today. on hindsight, perhaps God knew i needed to be cheered up a little yesterday because today was gonna be so crappy.
but today started out well... today started out so well. well, except for the nightmare about being told by my dad that FMC wasn't going to give me the job because they found someone else so much more qualified. but it's just a nightmare, right?
so work went alright today, no picky customers, no million phone calls to make me sweat, relatively straightforward data, the feeling that i'm doing a good job. had a nice waffle and bought some pkts of chips too, the old-fashioned type that come in transparent packets and cost a dollar each.
then the phone call came frm FMC... nope, i didn't get the job, and having rather hoped for it i was rather disappointed. should've known not to get my hopes up but too late to say that now.
walking home my too-long pants got wet in the puddles along the rain-soaked paths, and my socks made my shoes painfully uncomfortable.
the fact that i was going to a job that i disliked tomorrow, and being worried about someone, made things harder to bear.
it wasn't easy to figure out how to cry for help without being overly demanding or pressurising... it wasn't easy at all. in fact it was so hard that i lost my temper and took it out on someone who had already had more than his fair share of problems. and that, in itself, created a whole new problem. now i've alienated myself from one more source of support, and one which has been very very important to me for a year now, but whom i've not dared to lean on too much for the past couple of months because of his problems.
yes, it's all falling to pieces around me and i've caused it with my lack of restraint, as usual. and as usual, i have no idea how to put it back together again and am miserable.
i wonder how i can possibly justify breaking down twice in three days?
it's my party and i'll cry if i want to
but today started out well... today started out so well. well, except for the nightmare about being told by my dad that FMC wasn't going to give me the job because they found someone else so much more qualified. but it's just a nightmare, right?
so work went alright today, no picky customers, no million phone calls to make me sweat, relatively straightforward data, the feeling that i'm doing a good job. had a nice waffle and bought some pkts of chips too, the old-fashioned type that come in transparent packets and cost a dollar each.
then the phone call came frm FMC... nope, i didn't get the job, and having rather hoped for it i was rather disappointed. should've known not to get my hopes up but too late to say that now.
walking home my too-long pants got wet in the puddles along the rain-soaked paths, and my socks made my shoes painfully uncomfortable.
the fact that i was going to a job that i disliked tomorrow, and being worried about someone, made things harder to bear.
it wasn't easy to figure out how to cry for help without being overly demanding or pressurising... it wasn't easy at all. in fact it was so hard that i lost my temper and took it out on someone who had already had more than his fair share of problems. and that, in itself, created a whole new problem. now i've alienated myself from one more source of support, and one which has been very very important to me for a year now, but whom i've not dared to lean on too much for the past couple of months because of his problems.
yes, it's all falling to pieces around me and i've caused it with my lack of restraint, as usual. and as usual, i have no idea how to put it back together again and am miserable.
i wonder how i can possibly justify breaking down twice in three days?
it's my party and i'll cry if i want to