Another Fucking Day
Woke up taday to mom screaming at me to get up with the baby becuase he had woke up and was crying. I picked up the baby and gave him a bottle and went to bed for another 30 mins i suppose. So then i got up and got him something to eat. Peaches. mom was creaming at me becuase he didnt have pants on i told her i didnt see the point in getting him dirty and then changing him agian. so then i got him some peaches and was gonna get him some cherios and she bitched at me to get him cerial becuasei hadent got the chance to do it yet. i told her to shut up becuase i dont rmemeber her making an 8 course meal for breakfast either. well so then i got done with all that and layed back down in bed becuase i just couldent take her shit anymore. so then she came in and was like get pants on him so i bit my tounge and did it since he needed it anyways then she came in right after i layed down and was like put socks on him so finally i was like fine i got him socks and while i was trying to put them on him he tryed to headbut me so i told him to stop it and she was like yeah critter stop it or she'll beat your ass ( i said nothing of hitting him) and i just fucking lost it i was like shut the fuck up just shut up and leave me the hell alone i cant stand you. so i started crying after that and i dont cry in front of her becuase she thinks nomatter what it is you should never cry. so she was making fun of me for that. then i just laid down and wanted to die. some times i cant fucking stand her and im on the edge of either walking out or hurting her and i dont want to do either but she pciks fights when i did nothing to her. nothing. i was actually alot calmer than she desrved becuase i cant stand people screaming at me. i dunno what it is but it just sets me the hell off. so then i figured id get on here and write and then she comes in and is like im sorry becuase i might be acting like a bitch but im worried about beckys baby. i wanted to hit her. i didnt do anything to beckys baby im just as worried as she is but i aint screaming at people becuase of it. another thing i cant stand is when people take things out on other people. they didnt do it then she sits there and sais shes sick and she cant go to the doctor and shit like that my fault too. i mean im not always nice to her but i never start anything. i try so hard to be patient with her. and no im not just saying that becuase im 16 and think im never wrong. i know im wrong for alot of things but damn she brings out the worst in me, like one time she was married to this guy whod never hit a girl in his life when finally she drove him to hit her and he was like you know i just cant be with you. she knows how to bring out the worst in everyone. i dunno how she does it. my problem is i cant help but yell at her its just something i do. all she wants is a fight so i always figured if i just give her what she wantsd i can end it quickly. becuase if you go in your room and ignore her she just comes in there and starts screaming at you. i need out of this place. someone please come save me. god once i get a job......wich is kool becuase shryl is getting me a job at burgin manor in laundry. it may be a bad job but it pays and that all i care about. i just need some money. im about realy to prostitute myself out if need be. any buyers? lol just kidding. but yeah michael gets home tomarrow night thank god becuase then he can deal with the baby until mom goes to work. well anyways sorry about all this i just needed to get it out oh by the way about beckys baby: Becky had Dale january 3rd. he had a heart murmur and an enlarged heart he has heart surgery monday so they said theres a 75%chance eveything should be ok. i hope so i dont think i could take another baby dieing. i just couldent. she showed me a picture of him tho. hes CUTE he has lots of black curly hair. she said she just sat up after all of it screaming for and hour. i couldent blame her, her baby coudve died id scream too and i guess the nurses were being reallt bitches about it becuase one was like "enjoy" i mean come on. you dont just smile and twiddle your thumbs when your baby is sick. id have done the same thing. i guess i kinda did after Adrian and Julian died, see i didnt know becuase of the drugs they had me on. the last thing i rmemeber is telling michael i was so sorry. then after that i dont remember anything becuase i had to go get a D&C ( selivery and cutting) where they cut the placenta out. then i woke up there like i did it everyday i didnt even think of why i was there then i rmeembered i had babies so i asked the woman if i could see them and she said they were downstairs i was like WTF are they doing down stairs the nursery is up here....shes like there in the morg they died. then everything flashed back and i fucking lost it. i wanted my brother tyke there. but mom wouldent bring him. so i cried to mom and steve. i wanted Bear Bear too. but she didnt bring him. i was given more meds and then i was laughing. i sighned the papers to the funeral home laughing. how sick is that. i told the lady. i know i shouldent be laughing but i cant help it. the whole 2 days i was there i herd a sawing noise. very similar to the heartbeat of a baby. to this day i dont know where it was coming from i thought for a while someone was outside sawing outseide my window but then it got dark and didnt go away. i herd it for 2 days straight. i remember keeping careful track of what thier heartbeat sounded like becuase i knew i wouldent hear it agian. i remember Ashlee king let us borrow this thing where yo can listen to thier heart beat and michael would always listen. i thank her for that becuase otherwise he would have never got to hear it. i wonder if he remembers what it sounds like. i knwo he misses them but he never shows it. it makes me feel so alone. i fear for if i stop being sad over all of this they will just be forgotten all together. we never had a funeral service. they will get one when i die. i want them burried with me so then people will remember. ill put thier names on the head stone too becuase i have thier remains so that means legally they were people right? it sais remains of Adrian and Julian Huntsman tho and it kinda bothers me becuase i wanted thier last name Brocker but they said they couldent do it becuase michael was to young to claim them and there was nothing to do a DNA test on i was like bull shit buti know who thier dad is and on the head stone it will say brocker so it dont matter. i dont know who will remember michael. my sister might but i dont think she'll care. this is the same person who wrote " how is Emma and her inside out baby" i mean come on thats just fucking sick. but i dont think she understood becuase his heart was outside of his body. well you know, i think im gonna go write them a letter. i havent done it in nearly two years. but i think it will help. well gonna go have fun people and stay out of trouble....ill try to survive my mom. - Emma