3am is my antheme
I had been mulling how I would start this and had it pretty well set in my head. Then I agonized over whether I was spelling antheme correctly and using it correctly and now it's mostly jumbled pieces that just don't sound as pretty.
What I meant to begin with is one of my supreme failings: I plan my life and run out of time to live it; i plan so much I can never hope to accomplish it all in the time allotted (I'm shit at planning how long tasks will take and accounting for time spent with life's myriad interuptions) then get discouraged and either give up, maybe spend hours more rewriting the whole plan instead focusing on what could be feasibly done, or just get apathetic. I obssess that the letters are just so, that I've split tasks into minute detail so I can get all those extra check marks.
Obssession with planning has its merits. I have lesson plan after lesson plan. Between the time of giving up on Aiden's last online school, we've been through half a dozen, private, public, in person, online, and at each he has failed. Not because he isn't smart; he was put in the Acedemically Gifted program when he was last in public school. Great grades then, wonderful hand writing. But he was being constantly beaten up, bruises he hid for a very long time though he did tell me he was being bullied and I spent endless hours in the principle's office, the guidence counselor's. The last day of school in third grade within the space of a few minutes he pulled 1/3 of his hair out towards the end of the day at his desk in front of everyone. Not as a show, it only exacerbated the bullying I'm sure, it calms him down. Thank god he seems to have stopped eating it because it could knot in his gut and kill him. I've mentioned his trichotillomania (sp?) before. Before that day spots would show up and we took him to the dermatologist thinking he had some skin issue. It should have occured to me, I have it though I've learned to manage it enough that it's not noticable and I pull from different places. I substituted chewing the strings of jackets or hoodies, worn year round, to abate eating my hair but mostly to stop me chewing my skin off - also done in unnoticable places. But I once couldn't stop pulling my eyebrow until it was almost gone. My habit being found out and the reprecussions - embarassment, but mostly fear of getting in trouble with my mom, how she would react - that's what drove me to be able to conceal it until it's just a normal part of my life now, like breathing, so I didn't recognize it in Aiden early enough. But when is that. I read tons of books, talked with therapists, watched video after video. But I couldn't find him help for it, certainly couldn't help for all I tried to address the underlying issue. All I could teach him was how to hide it better. And that's questionable as to whether it's help or making it worse. Worse still, his hunting ground of choice is his head and it is far more severe than mine. He's gotten to where usually only rips the hair leaving behind half the length, or an inch or two. But there are definate thin spots and the rest is a tattered, multi-sized, flicking out in every direction, why would you let your child go out in public like that mess. And he sweats like a Brewton and is always bouncing around with his music and movies in his room, so before his freshly showered hair is even dry it's all matted and sweaty again. How can I help him integrate back into society, have a social life, when I feel like bringing him out into the fray is only setting him up for failure and more hurt because people are total shit, they'll look at him and treat hi like shit? Also, while he's smart as a whip his social skills are FAR behind. Another factor to get him ridiculed or taken advantage of. ANd what example am I to socialize? My last set of close "friends" destroyed me (temporarily) both financially, mentally, and possibly spiritually. I've spent I don't know more than a year, two? nearly immobilized in "my" chair writing lesson plans (and with the drink in your hand incase you fall asleep so it'll spill in your lap and wake you up meant 4+, I don't even know, laptops and all the work on them biting the dust - I've lost and forgotten more hard work :and it was good work because lazor focus helped drown everything out and stay awake: than you can imagine). I've always wanted to teach.
I'm looking at this house, smaller, more cheaply put together, and it's like a see of fire ant beds in the yard, not even MY house, and I'm trying really hard to look at it as a new beginning.
Maybe the smallness will help us not to all hide in our corners from one another. Maybe saving up for renovations instead of binge spending, will help me learn to control my manic madness. Maybe the yard can soon hold a pool and I can start to loose some of this weight, have a reason to go outside. Because litterally staying in a chair that long has atrophied my whole body. I've gained back nearly all the weight I lost with the bypass, knowing it's litterally sofficating (sp?) my brain, killing more cells. Shit I just stop breathing sometimes without knowing until I'm gasping for air all of a sudden.
I was letting myself die in that chair, to my dettriment and the suffering of the people I loved loved most who were trying to save me. And I'm crawling out of it tooth and nail. But I can't look at my self, think about all the damage I've done and time I've lost and truly see hope. Hope seems a shimmering mirage in the distance. But I've failed my family long enough. Today is the first really good day I've had in a long time. I haven't slept so tomorrow is a toss up. But I haven't accomplished this much, had my spirits lifted with purpose and actual stamina to attain objectives and only a couple panic attacks. Today, or rather yesterday was a win. I didn't just spend time sleeping, planning, watching the news and raging that the government is full of fucking idiots and WHY haven't they put Trump and a long laundry list of people in jail yet - including Pence, we can't get left in the hands of that religious zealot, and if not sleeping then curled up with my eyes closed trying to sleep, fighting with all my might to sleep in the bed with Dally when I can.
So, entry number one for the reboot. Not exactly where I'd planned to take it, but getting anything out at this point is another win. Not feeling like I'm foisting it on everyone is win II.
I gotta get started trying to save my fish from the ich and fungus invasion my new snails brought. Never trust anyone but my fish guy.
What I meant to begin with is one of my supreme failings: I plan my life and run out of time to live it; i plan so much I can never hope to accomplish it all in the time allotted (I'm shit at planning how long tasks will take and accounting for time spent with life's myriad interuptions) then get discouraged and either give up, maybe spend hours more rewriting the whole plan instead focusing on what could be feasibly done, or just get apathetic. I obssess that the letters are just so, that I've split tasks into minute detail so I can get all those extra check marks.
Obssession with planning has its merits. I have lesson plan after lesson plan. Between the time of giving up on Aiden's last online school, we've been through half a dozen, private, public, in person, online, and at each he has failed. Not because he isn't smart; he was put in the Acedemically Gifted program when he was last in public school. Great grades then, wonderful hand writing. But he was being constantly beaten up, bruises he hid for a very long time though he did tell me he was being bullied and I spent endless hours in the principle's office, the guidence counselor's. The last day of school in third grade within the space of a few minutes he pulled 1/3 of his hair out towards the end of the day at his desk in front of everyone. Not as a show, it only exacerbated the bullying I'm sure, it calms him down. Thank god he seems to have stopped eating it because it could knot in his gut and kill him. I've mentioned his trichotillomania (sp?) before. Before that day spots would show up and we took him to the dermatologist thinking he had some skin issue. It should have occured to me, I have it though I've learned to manage it enough that it's not noticable and I pull from different places. I substituted chewing the strings of jackets or hoodies, worn year round, to abate eating my hair but mostly to stop me chewing my skin off - also done in unnoticable places. But I once couldn't stop pulling my eyebrow until it was almost gone. My habit being found out and the reprecussions - embarassment, but mostly fear of getting in trouble with my mom, how she would react - that's what drove me to be able to conceal it until it's just a normal part of my life now, like breathing, so I didn't recognize it in Aiden early enough. But when is that. I read tons of books, talked with therapists, watched video after video. But I couldn't find him help for it, certainly couldn't help for all I tried to address the underlying issue. All I could teach him was how to hide it better. And that's questionable as to whether it's help or making it worse. Worse still, his hunting ground of choice is his head and it is far more severe than mine. He's gotten to where usually only rips the hair leaving behind half the length, or an inch or two. But there are definate thin spots and the rest is a tattered, multi-sized, flicking out in every direction, why would you let your child go out in public like that mess. And he sweats like a Brewton and is always bouncing around with his music and movies in his room, so before his freshly showered hair is even dry it's all matted and sweaty again. How can I help him integrate back into society, have a social life, when I feel like bringing him out into the fray is only setting him up for failure and more hurt because people are total shit, they'll look at him and treat hi like shit? Also, while he's smart as a whip his social skills are FAR behind. Another factor to get him ridiculed or taken advantage of. ANd what example am I to socialize? My last set of close "friends" destroyed me (temporarily) both financially, mentally, and possibly spiritually. I've spent I don't know more than a year, two? nearly immobilized in "my" chair writing lesson plans (and with the drink in your hand incase you fall asleep so it'll spill in your lap and wake you up meant 4+, I don't even know, laptops and all the work on them biting the dust - I've lost and forgotten more hard work :and it was good work because lazor focus helped drown everything out and stay awake: than you can imagine). I've always wanted to teach.
I'm looking at this house, smaller, more cheaply put together, and it's like a see of fire ant beds in the yard, not even MY house, and I'm trying really hard to look at it as a new beginning.
Maybe the smallness will help us not to all hide in our corners from one another. Maybe saving up for renovations instead of binge spending, will help me learn to control my manic madness. Maybe the yard can soon hold a pool and I can start to loose some of this weight, have a reason to go outside. Because litterally staying in a chair that long has atrophied my whole body. I've gained back nearly all the weight I lost with the bypass, knowing it's litterally sofficating (sp?) my brain, killing more cells. Shit I just stop breathing sometimes without knowing until I'm gasping for air all of a sudden.
I was letting myself die in that chair, to my dettriment and the suffering of the people I loved loved most who were trying to save me. And I'm crawling out of it tooth and nail. But I can't look at my self, think about all the damage I've done and time I've lost and truly see hope. Hope seems a shimmering mirage in the distance. But I've failed my family long enough. Today is the first really good day I've had in a long time. I haven't slept so tomorrow is a toss up. But I haven't accomplished this much, had my spirits lifted with purpose and actual stamina to attain objectives and only a couple panic attacks. Today, or rather yesterday was a win. I didn't just spend time sleeping, planning, watching the news and raging that the government is full of fucking idiots and WHY haven't they put Trump and a long laundry list of people in jail yet - including Pence, we can't get left in the hands of that religious zealot, and if not sleeping then curled up with my eyes closed trying to sleep, fighting with all my might to sleep in the bed with Dally when I can.
So, entry number one for the reboot. Not exactly where I'd planned to take it, but getting anything out at this point is another win. Not feeling like I'm foisting it on everyone is win II.
I gotta get started trying to save my fish from the ich and fungus invasion my new snails brought. Never trust anyone but my fish guy.