Guns and Moses: Live From Tel Aviv, Israel
We join our hero 5 days into his journey into the Holy Land…
Lessons learned thus far:
A. People traveling aboard airplanes lose all sense of decency and sense upon entering an airport. They are unable to follow simple instructions, follow a rational train of thought, behave in a manner befitting a citizen of the world and act like giant dickholes.
B. Swelling appendages make for an uncomfortable flight.
C. Threequels suck.
D. Taking random photographs of signs in the world’s highest security airport can get you shot up.
E. Just because you watch the weather channel does not mean you are meteorologist. Hot is not the same as hot in other countries. I nearly choked on my own barf when I stepped off the plane.
E1. Air conditioning is man’s greatest invention… followed closely by Opium.
F. Food in foreign countries is like totally weird. I don’t know what I’m eating half the time. But I do know what Schnitzel is now.
G. Never underestimate the effects of excellerated aging due to self-abuse coupled with jet lag. I started out sleeping 16 hours… now I’m down to 5. Thank you Allah for weird Euro-Asian bottled coffee drinks like “SHOCK!”.
H. And never , ever underestimate the power of a foreign country to show you how good you’ve got it back home with your yankee rock music and fancy grocery stores. Halleluyah, Jesus!
I. I is for Israel… beautiful, awesome and dangerous.
J. J is for Jewish, Jody and juicy, delicious tropical fruit.
K. K is for the Ku Klux Klan. Those guys are jerks, which j also stands for.
L. L is for liquify. It's so hot my organs are liquifying as we speak.
M. M is for Maccabi Tel Aviv basketball. They're currently getting served in the euro
tourney.
N N is for NINE INCH FUCKING NAILS. My sis, cousins and I saw them play to 5,000
screaming Israelis last night. Fucking awesome.
O. O is for OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKING HOT.
That's all for now. I must continue to purvey Tel Aviv's beautiful women, in fact the most beautiful I've ever seen and in such quantities as to make ones head and genitals simutaneously implode and explode.
We'll try to finish up the alphabet next week when supposedly the temperature will be dropping ten degrees. Praise Yahweh.
Your friend in the worldwide underpants revolution,
Jody Eugene Wilson
Post-script: Bonus for livejournal readers... the title of this blog refers to a t-shirt I bought last night featuring the ten commandments, dueling Uzis and the caption "Guns n' Moses". It was picked from a large assortment of weird militaristic dime store souvenir t-shirts of which I will buy many more...
Lessons learned thus far:
A. People traveling aboard airplanes lose all sense of decency and sense upon entering an airport. They are unable to follow simple instructions, follow a rational train of thought, behave in a manner befitting a citizen of the world and act like giant dickholes.
B. Swelling appendages make for an uncomfortable flight.
C. Threequels suck.
D. Taking random photographs of signs in the world’s highest security airport can get you shot up.
E. Just because you watch the weather channel does not mean you are meteorologist. Hot is not the same as hot in other countries. I nearly choked on my own barf when I stepped off the plane.
E1. Air conditioning is man’s greatest invention… followed closely by Opium.
F. Food in foreign countries is like totally weird. I don’t know what I’m eating half the time. But I do know what Schnitzel is now.
G. Never underestimate the effects of excellerated aging due to self-abuse coupled with jet lag. I started out sleeping 16 hours… now I’m down to 5. Thank you Allah for weird Euro-Asian bottled coffee drinks like “SHOCK!”.
H. And never , ever underestimate the power of a foreign country to show you how good you’ve got it back home with your yankee rock music and fancy grocery stores. Halleluyah, Jesus!
I. I is for Israel… beautiful, awesome and dangerous.
J. J is for Jewish, Jody and juicy, delicious tropical fruit.
K. K is for the Ku Klux Klan. Those guys are jerks, which j also stands for.
L. L is for liquify. It's so hot my organs are liquifying as we speak.
M. M is for Maccabi Tel Aviv basketball. They're currently getting served in the euro
tourney.
N N is for NINE INCH FUCKING NAILS. My sis, cousins and I saw them play to 5,000
screaming Israelis last night. Fucking awesome.
O. O is for OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKING HOT.
That's all for now. I must continue to purvey Tel Aviv's beautiful women, in fact the most beautiful I've ever seen and in such quantities as to make ones head and genitals simutaneously implode and explode.
We'll try to finish up the alphabet next week when supposedly the temperature will be dropping ten degrees. Praise Yahweh.
Your friend in the worldwide underpants revolution,
Jody Eugene Wilson
Post-script: Bonus for livejournal readers... the title of this blog refers to a t-shirt I bought last night featuring the ten commandments, dueling Uzis and the caption "Guns n' Moses". It was picked from a large assortment of weird militaristic dime store souvenir t-shirts of which I will buy many more...