(no subject)
Love Is
compromise.
a lifetime of compromise. You can't get anywhere in love without it. You can't be happy unless you can turn your cheek once in awhile. If you really love someone, you forget about what they may have caused you to feel at one perticular point in time.
Unless you were being relentlessly cheated on, and beaten..LIFE is compromise. A barter system. Cause, & effect.
Sometimes a cause, will cause such an effect.. & it was never intended.
Like when you drop the largest dish of your mothers fine China. That was passed down from 4 generations. You didn't know when you picked it up, that would be your last time you'd ever wrap your fingers around the dish as a whole. The next thing you know you're picking multiple pieces & shards of porcelin off of your tiled floor.
You do things in life, not realizing how big of a ripple it will cause later. Wether it be instantly, days, months, years later.
Sometimes in ones life you're in such a stuck place. You don't know what to do. You're looking for advice from everyone.
People you've looked up to, and listened to your WHOLE LIFE are telling you to "do the right thing". Others are telling you "NEVER". New amazing humans are saying "Not if I have anything to do with it"
when you understand & hang on to every part of the words of the last statement. If you hang onto it dearly. Dreaming. Day dreaming. Planning. Thinking around this one particular statement.. And then... BOOM. That person vanishes into thin air. They don't die either.. They leave you. Stuck in the hardest place you've ever been in. You give up hope. You listen to who you've always listened to. You "do the right thing".. Because... Nothing else makes sense...
when you regret every second of this entire event that you don't even speak about it. To anyone. No friends. No family, unless they were present. You cry about it, you push it to the back of your head....
what if you are someone who can't dig up memories well..
What if you can't remember when you watched someones vitals stop in your mothers arms?
What if you can't remember the funeral of the most important person in your entire life?
What if you can't remember a whole relationship.. Of a time.. That changed your entire life?
I don't know how I block things so well. I don't know what I do. I don't think sometimes. I am human. I am human. I am human. I am crazy.
What if you were me?
Like me?
The only people that understand my brain are Cat, Julie, & my mother.
The only people who tell me to do the right thing are my mother, & brother, & father.. Who I only listen to.
I do listen to my best friends, but they rarely "tell me what to do"
I am the most complicated piece of shit.
Who made the stupidest decision of her life over a year ago.
I'm all over the place. I'm indecisive. My head spins constantly. I get dizzy from thoughts.
I look at my son frequently & tear up with a mouth full of "sorry's". I know he can't comprehend. He'll never understand how much I mean it. I put him into a world where he'll never be able to come home from school daily, slam his bag on my floor screaming "MOM-DAD!!?" At least not to his real dad.
AND PERSONALLY Since about this time last year - I decided I didn't want him to have his Real dad. I read trillions of articles of how to break it to your child, about being fatherless.. and I know just how I'd tell him. It wouldn't be rude. Or mean. Or evil. Or mean. or intended. It would be light. And sunny. And I'd end it in telling him that he is my angel. ONLY of course - if he ever asks...
... I met you... And I wanted him to look up to you as father more then ANYONE... But now I'm back to remembering where my goals are, so I can give my child the life I want, with me. The life i never got to have.
I won't bring any men around him.
I won't let anyone smack his face.
I can't have a confused emotionally beaten child. That I dedicate EVERY DAY of my life to taking care of. I get MAYBE 5 hours of sleep. I spend a fortune I DON't HAVE on diapers, food, and other necessities. I can't have people interfering with my emotional well being, that will one day effect my child's emotional well being...
I am figuring out my life after this.
I don't need love.
My son needs love.
All of my love.
Not love from someone who JUST decided they remembered they might maybe should care about his beautiful little face.
Not someone who can't accept the face that if it were a different situation the situation would be WAY MORE FUCKED then it already is and I'd have NO CHOICE but to do what I CHOSE to do when they WEREN'T AROUND
I will never let a boyfriend(girlfriend?) around my son again.
I have became mother bear
And I am on a rampage.
<3
compromise.
a lifetime of compromise. You can't get anywhere in love without it. You can't be happy unless you can turn your cheek once in awhile. If you really love someone, you forget about what they may have caused you to feel at one perticular point in time.
Unless you were being relentlessly cheated on, and beaten..LIFE is compromise. A barter system. Cause, & effect.
Sometimes a cause, will cause such an effect.. & it was never intended.
Like when you drop the largest dish of your mothers fine China. That was passed down from 4 generations. You didn't know when you picked it up, that would be your last time you'd ever wrap your fingers around the dish as a whole. The next thing you know you're picking multiple pieces & shards of porcelin off of your tiled floor.
You do things in life, not realizing how big of a ripple it will cause later. Wether it be instantly, days, months, years later.
Sometimes in ones life you're in such a stuck place. You don't know what to do. You're looking for advice from everyone.
People you've looked up to, and listened to your WHOLE LIFE are telling you to "do the right thing". Others are telling you "NEVER". New amazing humans are saying "Not if I have anything to do with it"
when you understand & hang on to every part of the words of the last statement. If you hang onto it dearly. Dreaming. Day dreaming. Planning. Thinking around this one particular statement.. And then... BOOM. That person vanishes into thin air. They don't die either.. They leave you. Stuck in the hardest place you've ever been in. You give up hope. You listen to who you've always listened to. You "do the right thing".. Because... Nothing else makes sense...
when you regret every second of this entire event that you don't even speak about it. To anyone. No friends. No family, unless they were present. You cry about it, you push it to the back of your head....
what if you are someone who can't dig up memories well..
What if you can't remember when you watched someones vitals stop in your mothers arms?
What if you can't remember the funeral of the most important person in your entire life?
What if you can't remember a whole relationship.. Of a time.. That changed your entire life?
I don't know how I block things so well. I don't know what I do. I don't think sometimes. I am human. I am human. I am human. I am crazy.
What if you were me?
Like me?
The only people that understand my brain are Cat, Julie, & my mother.
The only people who tell me to do the right thing are my mother, & brother, & father.. Who I only listen to.
I do listen to my best friends, but they rarely "tell me what to do"
I am the most complicated piece of shit.
Who made the stupidest decision of her life over a year ago.
I'm all over the place. I'm indecisive. My head spins constantly. I get dizzy from thoughts.
I look at my son frequently & tear up with a mouth full of "sorry's". I know he can't comprehend. He'll never understand how much I mean it. I put him into a world where he'll never be able to come home from school daily, slam his bag on my floor screaming "MOM-DAD!!?" At least not to his real dad.
AND PERSONALLY Since about this time last year - I decided I didn't want him to have his Real dad. I read trillions of articles of how to break it to your child, about being fatherless.. and I know just how I'd tell him. It wouldn't be rude. Or mean. Or evil. Or mean. or intended. It would be light. And sunny. And I'd end it in telling him that he is my angel. ONLY of course - if he ever asks...
... I met you... And I wanted him to look up to you as father more then ANYONE... But now I'm back to remembering where my goals are, so I can give my child the life I want, with me. The life i never got to have.
I won't bring any men around him.
I won't let anyone smack his face.
I can't have a confused emotionally beaten child. That I dedicate EVERY DAY of my life to taking care of. I get MAYBE 5 hours of sleep. I spend a fortune I DON't HAVE on diapers, food, and other necessities. I can't have people interfering with my emotional well being, that will one day effect my child's emotional well being...
I am figuring out my life after this.
I don't need love.
My son needs love.
All of my love.
Not love from someone who JUST decided they remembered they might maybe should care about his beautiful little face.
Not someone who can't accept the face that if it were a different situation the situation would be WAY MORE FUCKED then it already is and I'd have NO CHOICE but to do what I CHOSE to do when they WEREN'T AROUND
I will never let a boyfriend(girlfriend?) around my son again.
I have became mother bear
And I am on a rampage.
<3