On life, medication, and silver linings
I haven't posted much on here or my myspace in a while. It's been a busy year....
Life is getting pretty good. For the last few years, I HATED waking up in the morning and heading off to some job where I was a cubicle zombie. Office politics never agreed with me, and I felt like an alien amongst the living dead. Now, however, I have a wonderful job at a used bookstore called Half Price Books. It's the corporate headquarter store, and it is huge. I get to spend my days discussing books with my fellow intellectual. We also sell music, so I get to trade rock stories and expand my own musical collective.
I think I'm in love with my job for the first time in forever.
Let's see... what else.
It's been a weird summer. My best friend in the world was in a really bad car accident, and he was in the hospital for weeks. He punctured a lung, ruptured his spleen,. and now he has a metal rod in his left arm and left leg. Seeing him lying there in the ICU, clinging to life, I finally realized how much pain i must cause other people with my self destructive ways.
I also learned a lot about enjoying your time here from my dear friend Ashley. In another world, we would have been a hell of a couple (if only for a while) but it just wasn't in the cards. Shortly after I made my play for her and learned she was secretly pregnant by her last boyfriend (it was a shocker, but, knowing the whole story, I have to admire her for keeping the kid), she was diagnosed with Leukemia. It made her pregnancy very hard, and I did my best to be her friend. She taught me a lot from her hospital bed, and I think I know more about the nature of love and humanity than I did before just by knowing her... right up until the end.
Ashley passed away thirty minutes after the last time I saw her, claimed by her illness. The last thing I told her was that I loved her and that no matter what happened, I knew my life had been brightened by her existence.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I really had some hard lessons this year, and I made a vow to fix myself.
A month ago, I saw a psychiatrist. After years of being what others might call "overly sensitive" I finally decided that no one should have to live like that.
Turns out, I'm bi-polar. I have periods of 'mania' followed by periods of 'depression'. My mania is when I talk a hundred words a minute, bouncing off the walls, behaving like some kind of Robin Williams clone. My depression is when I hate myself for no reason, and feel nothing but guilt and sorrow.
At first I was irritated that there was something actually WRONG with me, like it was a black label... a scarlet letter if you will. But then I felt relief in knowing that so much of my reaction to my own life was kind of out of my hands. I'm on medication now, and it's very unobtrusive. I finally feel like other people. I'm no longer a slave to my faulty receptors.
Being bi-polar has affected every relationship, every job, and every day of my life. Knowing what i know now, I can finally explain my own actions to myself. And with the medication I hold better conversations, make better connections, and notice when I'm being flirted with (which, I was surprised to find, is a lot). I'm also more considerate - I instinctively consider the feelings of others, and do my best to be a productive member of society.
I only wish I had gone to see the psychiatrist in my youth. I can honestly say that my life would probably be even better if I hadn't been so insecure... so without confidence... so down on myself.
BUT...
There's no need for regret. Today is what matters, and today is a good day.
Tomorrow looks even better.