(no subject)
Having a friendship with an ex-girlfriend, so soon after breaking up is a very strange thing.
I find myself having the semi-usual thoughts people have about an ex (at least I think they do), and finding a fucked up comfort when I get the sense they are not doing well. That selfish feeling of, "things would have been better, if you hadn't left me". I don't spend much time in this gloomy, pitiful world, it's just too damn....self absorbed. Not to mention, it begs the question, can you really say you're over someone - if you still want to point out the fact that they would have been better off with you? I'm sure there's some psychology term that explains what it means when you project your own feelings about a situation as the fault of another. I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I don't think I'm doing any projecting, but I don't really know either. God damn, I'm rambling.
The thing is, I'm happy. I fill many of my nights with the company of others, and I don't feel sad when I'm home alone, like I did a month ago. That being said, the last few days have been really weird for me - lots of strange feelings have been coming back. I think it's the weather, and the time of year. It's almost Halloween, and then it will be Thanksgiving. This time of year, the weather, the smell, the feel of the world on my skin - it all has such a strong draw back to this season, circa 2008. Despite my forward movement, and my continued effort to keep the presence, energy, smell, and image of others at the forefront of my mind - there are fleeting moments when I am yanked back to a place where I existed a year ago. And worse than the fact that I inevitably feel all fucked up during these periods, I'm angry at myself for letting this happen.
And this brings me back to my starting point (sort of). Being angry with myself for letting it happen is, I think, and indication of why there are these moments of dick headed satisfaction. I think it helps me to feel like I'm somehow not alone, and gives me some feeling of power where all my power was taken from me.
I can't remember if it makes sense to date, with any intention other than fun distractions, while still sitting in these moments of strangeness. What if I do like was done to me - what if I meet and starting seeing someone I really like, but can't manage to be honest about an old relationship, to the extent that it negatively affects my the current. After Marie, I spent a year or so dating in fashion that made very little sense on any sort of sustainable manner. Sarah was the first girl I dated that I feel like I was really ready to date, it was just too bad that was much more one sided than I was ever willing to admit.
Whatever - this is life. I've gone through these paces before. In time, the memories will move to a dusty part of my mind, all the pictures, shuttled off to a box in the closet. Descriptions of trips will seise to be a challenge to describe as "When I" rather than "When we" - and "My ex-girlfriend" gets changed to "A friend" or "A girl I was dating at the time". In time, they all end up ex's - it's probably best to remember that a little more clearly.
On a much more positive note, things are actually really well. I've been putting off projects on the house in order to pay off a little credit card debt I have accrued. I've been riding lots, and I'm looking forward to a trip to Australia in February. I've wanted to visit Australia for as long as I can remember, so I have high expectations. I've been hanging out with lots of fun people, and really enjoying my time with them. I've met a few new people over the last couple months that I've been spending more time with as well, which is something I've really enjoyed.
I'm still rambling, back to work.
I find myself having the semi-usual thoughts people have about an ex (at least I think they do), and finding a fucked up comfort when I get the sense they are not doing well. That selfish feeling of, "things would have been better, if you hadn't left me". I don't spend much time in this gloomy, pitiful world, it's just too damn....self absorbed. Not to mention, it begs the question, can you really say you're over someone - if you still want to point out the fact that they would have been better off with you? I'm sure there's some psychology term that explains what it means when you project your own feelings about a situation as the fault of another. I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I don't think I'm doing any projecting, but I don't really know either. God damn, I'm rambling.
The thing is, I'm happy. I fill many of my nights with the company of others, and I don't feel sad when I'm home alone, like I did a month ago. That being said, the last few days have been really weird for me - lots of strange feelings have been coming back. I think it's the weather, and the time of year. It's almost Halloween, and then it will be Thanksgiving. This time of year, the weather, the smell, the feel of the world on my skin - it all has such a strong draw back to this season, circa 2008. Despite my forward movement, and my continued effort to keep the presence, energy, smell, and image of others at the forefront of my mind - there are fleeting moments when I am yanked back to a place where I existed a year ago. And worse than the fact that I inevitably feel all fucked up during these periods, I'm angry at myself for letting this happen.
And this brings me back to my starting point (sort of). Being angry with myself for letting it happen is, I think, and indication of why there are these moments of dick headed satisfaction. I think it helps me to feel like I'm somehow not alone, and gives me some feeling of power where all my power was taken from me.
I can't remember if it makes sense to date, with any intention other than fun distractions, while still sitting in these moments of strangeness. What if I do like was done to me - what if I meet and starting seeing someone I really like, but can't manage to be honest about an old relationship, to the extent that it negatively affects my the current. After Marie, I spent a year or so dating in fashion that made very little sense on any sort of sustainable manner. Sarah was the first girl I dated that I feel like I was really ready to date, it was just too bad that was much more one sided than I was ever willing to admit.
Whatever - this is life. I've gone through these paces before. In time, the memories will move to a dusty part of my mind, all the pictures, shuttled off to a box in the closet. Descriptions of trips will seise to be a challenge to describe as "When I" rather than "When we" - and "My ex-girlfriend" gets changed to "A friend" or "A girl I was dating at the time". In time, they all end up ex's - it's probably best to remember that a little more clearly.
On a much more positive note, things are actually really well. I've been putting off projects on the house in order to pay off a little credit card debt I have accrued. I've been riding lots, and I'm looking forward to a trip to Australia in February. I've wanted to visit Australia for as long as I can remember, so I have high expectations. I've been hanging out with lots of fun people, and really enjoying my time with them. I've met a few new people over the last couple months that I've been spending more time with as well, which is something I've really enjoyed.
I'm still rambling, back to work.