２月１８日
i'm so tired of being a masochist, but the pain is so much of my identity that i'm pm lost w/o it
the pleasure i find in things is so thin a lot of the times, i really want to go back to being myself, i feel like i've been ten different people over the span of my lifetime. okay it's thirteen actually. wow what a convenient symbol of my great luck
music is not my life or even close to a passion but it's the only way i can keep track of time's progression. i need it to occupy my restless ears, kind of like how fidgety persons play with pens or their hair but once their hands are empty they look like lost little kids
i don't need it because i need it, like if i'm hanging from a tree branch on the side of a cliff i don't need The tree branch in and of itself as the particular tree branch it was born to be because i love it with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. i need it to hang onto so i don't fall onto a bed of pointy rocks in a raging white river
i hate silence because i get swallowed up in this great blank void and time stops being linear. you could say it either disappears or it's everywhere i guess. that's why i hate being alone also because if there are no people around i forget that there are people at all existing and they are living and moving on and forward that is why even though cities terrify me they simultaneously offer me the greatest comfort it's the most unfortunate paradox of my life
it's taken me a while to untangle this reasoning because ever since all my problems became public people ask me "how did you handle living in tokyo" "how do you love it so much when you're a homo sapiens phobic" and i couldn't figure out how to answer it. because i didn't even know myself and it made me feel real stupid. but there you go now i know so now you know
ps. androp is so good omg also kick me if i don't obtain prescription sleeping pills by the end of next week