Revelations
Well, I'm still unemployed, and am beginning to feel pretty useless which really isn't good for me right now. Katie doesn't understand why I feel this way, and is saying I should just keep doing what I'm doing (babysitting and collecting unemployment) for a while since I'll be making good money that way. I just don't feel right about it though. Not having a schedule is horrible for my emotions, and especially for my binge eating (I don't know if I've mentioned that before, I'll talk more about it later). I've had a job of some sort since I was 12, so I really don't know what to do when I don't have one. Yeah, I like not having to get up and go to work, and being able to hang out with Katie more, but it's not good if it's at the expense of my mental health.
Friday I hung out with my momma. I miss seeing her (I used to see her at least 3 times a week since we worked together), so I asked her out to dinner after I was done babysitting. We went to Olive Garden (yummy), where we split an appetizer and an entree, and I even had a glass of wine (I don't generally like wine). We had a good talk at dinner, including how I'm doing emotionally, and with my job search. She seems to have come to grips with my diagnosis (although I think she still feels like it's somehow her fault). I talked about how I feel kind of useless, and that I'm glad I'm on meds right now or I'd probably be in the hospital right now. I need structure in my life or I kind of go crazy. I mentioned how Katie is worried about me because I've been sleeping so much, but that I'm not worried because at least when I'm sleeping, I'm not eating. Then we went to Target, where I bought a purse (it's ginormous!) and some jersey knit sheets (which are THE most comfortable sheets ever!) and then to Walmart. After that, I went to Cub with Katie, where we were ridiculously goofy! We hung out and talked, and it was a good time.
Last night she gave me a pedicure (as promised for going to Cub with her), and we talked. We also measured our waists, hips, arms and thighs (this started as figuring out what size pants to order in Lane Bryant's new jean styles) and we were both disgusted. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I want to go a surgical route to lose weight. Sometimes I wish I had gone through with gastric bypass surgery when my mom did, but other times I'm glad I didn't. I just know that my weight is getting out of hand, and I really don't know what to do about it anymore. Everyone says "just eat smaller portions," but they don't understand that I find comfort in food. I turn to food when I'm sad, and I don't know how to stop doing that (it's something that Chris and I will work on in therapy, but we're just getting started). I'm starting to feel hopeless about my weight and have pretty much given up trying anything right now. It's just hard to motivate myself, and I think that I need to get out of this depressive state before I can work to better myself. Hopefully I will get a job soon, and that should help get me out of this funk.
Well, I'm babysitting all day tomorrow and Tuesday for Forsbergs and then 2-9ish for Jodi (she works with Katie) on Wednesday. It kinda sucks because it means I don't have availability those days for OfficeTeam (the temp agency), but this is guaranteed, tax free money.
Friday I hung out with my momma. I miss seeing her (I used to see her at least 3 times a week since we worked together), so I asked her out to dinner after I was done babysitting. We went to Olive Garden (yummy), where we split an appetizer and an entree, and I even had a glass of wine (I don't generally like wine). We had a good talk at dinner, including how I'm doing emotionally, and with my job search. She seems to have come to grips with my diagnosis (although I think she still feels like it's somehow her fault). I talked about how I feel kind of useless, and that I'm glad I'm on meds right now or I'd probably be in the hospital right now. I need structure in my life or I kind of go crazy. I mentioned how Katie is worried about me because I've been sleeping so much, but that I'm not worried because at least when I'm sleeping, I'm not eating. Then we went to Target, where I bought a purse (it's ginormous!) and some jersey knit sheets (which are THE most comfortable sheets ever!) and then to Walmart. After that, I went to Cub with Katie, where we were ridiculously goofy! We hung out and talked, and it was a good time.
Last night she gave me a pedicure (as promised for going to Cub with her), and we talked. We also measured our waists, hips, arms and thighs (this started as figuring out what size pants to order in Lane Bryant's new jean styles) and we were both disgusted. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I want to go a surgical route to lose weight. Sometimes I wish I had gone through with gastric bypass surgery when my mom did, but other times I'm glad I didn't. I just know that my weight is getting out of hand, and I really don't know what to do about it anymore. Everyone says "just eat smaller portions," but they don't understand that I find comfort in food. I turn to food when I'm sad, and I don't know how to stop doing that (it's something that Chris and I will work on in therapy, but we're just getting started). I'm starting to feel hopeless about my weight and have pretty much given up trying anything right now. It's just hard to motivate myself, and I think that I need to get out of this depressive state before I can work to better myself. Hopefully I will get a job soon, and that should help get me out of this funk.
Well, I'm babysitting all day tomorrow and Tuesday for Forsbergs and then 2-9ish for Jodi (she works with Katie) on Wednesday. It kinda sucks because it means I don't have availability those days for OfficeTeam (the temp agency), but this is guaranteed, tax free money.