deflated.
my dad was supposed to come into town today. i started to wonder what horrors would be in store for us this time around, since he always seems to come up with a new way of disappointing and/or hurting his children upon each visit. but even then, some foolish part of me still hopes and aches for evolution.
well, this time was different only because the disappointment and hurt struck before the actual visit. he called from phoenix tonight and told me that he cancelled the trip completely. he made it to the airport, checked his luggage, stood in line as the plane boarded, and then decided that he "just couldn't do it, just couldn't get on the plane."
i'm tired of feeling sad, wounded, angry, bitter, and guilty. i remember the dad who used to rock me to sleep, play with me, and the dad who moved away but still managed to show that he cared. but the memory is fading. the sad part is that i know he cares, i know he wants to be a part of us, but he always falls short. he uses guilt and distance to create more guilt and distance instead of trying to remedy his shortcomings.
i want my dad back but i keep getting slapped with resistance.
well, this time was different only because the disappointment and hurt struck before the actual visit. he called from phoenix tonight and told me that he cancelled the trip completely. he made it to the airport, checked his luggage, stood in line as the plane boarded, and then decided that he "just couldn't do it, just couldn't get on the plane."
i'm tired of feeling sad, wounded, angry, bitter, and guilty. i remember the dad who used to rock me to sleep, play with me, and the dad who moved away but still managed to show that he cared. but the memory is fading. the sad part is that i know he cares, i know he wants to be a part of us, but he always falls short. he uses guilt and distance to create more guilt and distance instead of trying to remedy his shortcomings.
i want my dad back but i keep getting slapped with resistance.