my story (cont)
Yes, this IS my third post in one day. SO????
Okay, if you remember, I was going through my entire history basically just because I felt like it. This was in mid january, but I only got through september of 2006 in "my story."
Anyways, ALOT has happened since the day I sat at that table and met Kate, Josh, and learned more about Jael. In fact, meeting them would lead me to friends like Brandon, Ryan, and friendly aquantaces Bob, Max, and Emily, and solidify my friendship with Anna.
I'll get to the details shortly, but that one meal, that lasted a good two hours, defined what was going to be the rest of my free time at Albion. The crazy "249" gang (as I call it, after Kate and Jael's room number where we spent 85% of our time.) was what made that crazy, life-discovering, roller-coaster-ride of a time bareable. Of course i definitely donated plenty of the insanity that insued.
Well anyway, my life became about two things and two things only. Getting by with decent grades, and spending every spare moment I could with Kate and Jael.
For a while Jael became a kind of life support. I could talk to her about my problems, could get help with my homework, and she is always real good about making sure people are comfortable and having fun. It only took me months to figure out why the hell we had so many problems and arguments. Although all along i knew it mostly had to do with my insecurities, and how I really just needed a purpose, for her to need me as much as I needed her. In fact, this is the basic issue in almost ALL of my relationships, whether with friends, family, or someone i like (i'd say girlfriend but i've never had an "official" gf, so anyway). For some reason issues caused more friction between Jael and I. It seemed like we argued every day, and ended up yelling or crying at least once a week. Deep inside I knew that was because we both really cared about each other, but the problem was I didn't know how to fix it, and even worse I was so concentrated on fixing ME that I didn't understand when she kept insisting that she didn't need me to CHANGE but only to be happy, to love myself.
And here we discover the underlying issue. In order to be happy, to love myself, I needed to change, to change the way I thought.
Freshman year gave me more than REALLY good friends that I love and can talk to, and MORE than a hardcore education (some of which I have to work on taking AGAIN) but it also lead me to discover some things about myself through the help of friends and professionals, not only academically but also VERY psycologically.
Josh was a BIG help here. The ever pyscological-stuff knowing lazy bastard of a friend helped me through alot of discussions and emotional conversations, mostly on AIM as I was still too ify about talking in person, to find out the source of my emotional problems.
Now, FINALLY, after research and the help of a very experienced councilor at Albion College, I'm on the right track to becoming a healthier me, both inside and outside.
What's funny is the fact that Josh and I were enemies from just about the get-go. And I might as well explain why:
There's no denying it. I liked Kate from the moment I sat down at that table across from her way back in september. And almost as quickly I realized that Josh did too, and Kate, well, she did the classic school girl teasing so I suspected she'd at least give him a shot.
And like always I was fighting a losing battle from the very start, but in my messed up mind I thought I might just have a tiny little chance, and I beat the crap out of Josh verbally, and nearly physically, for just being a guy and having the chance that i won't have with about 80% of the girl's i find attractive.
In my defense, I'm not a total bitch, the whole gang LOVES to pick on Josh, because he just TAKES it, and usually he has a good sense of humor about it. I just took it WAY too far. And I almost realized it too late... just before he was going to explode in my face (which is NOT obvious mind you, he told me this afterwards)... i stopped and talked to him about.
It would take a few more weeks before I could tell him why, but he had figured it out. By THEN he had been going out with Kate for a while. That whole mess was awkward with the two of them, but I won't get into their business.
Anyways... I was finding a real friend in this guy who i had only treated like crap since I met him... I could tell him anything... even about questioning my sexuality again. I'm sure glad I'm over THAT awkward stage, but anyway i guess things came up and bit me in the ass later on....because I ended up depending too much on Josh, and he needed his space, and time to fix his own personal problems.
Well conversation between us hasn't been the same since then, but we talked about working on that. But it's kinda hard over the summer, so we''ll just have to see how things go next semeseter.
Speaking of which, finding a roommate for next semester sure was a bitch. Not really hard, because I just found another girl who was alone, but it was a blow on my self-esteem to have all my friends basically say "no thanks...." with Jael it was mostly just the fact that we wouldn't live well together with the arguing we do... with kate it was that i had only in the past month been able to tell her about my feelings for her... and i didn't think it was time to stress her trust of me....and with everybody else... well my luck is i've got all straight friends who i'm open to. so they just don't want to go there...so it was a lonely feeling...
Speaking of talking to Kate about that "issue." GOSH i wish i had done that SOONER!!! I was so scared of what would happen, Kate and I are like so similar its FREAKY, and she's like and AWESOME friend and tons of fun to be around. I didn't know what i would do without her if it was too awkward for her. And her being roommates with Jael made it even WORSE, if i couldn't be friends with Kate, then it would be aweful just trying to talk to Jael.
So what did i do? I HID IT. I bunched it up into a tight little wad and pushed it waaaaaaaayyyyyyy deep down in there. So much so that I was crying myself to sleep, that I couldn't enjoy my in 249, that every time I looked at her my heart ached, and i lashed out almost all the time at nearly anyone. What made it even WORSE? My coucelor, she made me feel like i had to hide it, like i couldn't talk about my feelings, because that could make them stronger. All i wanted was for this affection to GO AWAY and leave me with my best bud Kate. I was so emotionally disturbed that I couldn't see that this lady who was supposed to be a professional was full of SHIT.
FINALLY i could take it no more. I had already spent NIGHTS trying to right letters, and think of what to say, to find the right moment.
Telling her was the hardest thing I EVER had to do. Over coming out to my mom, or to my dad or ANYTHING. I could actually feel myself getting sick. And when i finally handed her the letter, and she read it, and i waited for her to respond, I remember the pain in her eyes, the sympathy... asking "is this what's been upsetting you all this time?"
I hated my honesty, "yes." It wasn't her fault, I didn't want her to feel like she had to apologize, because i know she was in her eyes, whether she meant to or not. I hated myself for putting that pain in her eyes.
But now... now weeks later, have I forgiven myself? Have I forgot the feelings? Have moved on? To all of these: No.
But now... now can I forgive myself someday, though i will never forget these feelings? Will I be able to move on? to all of these YES.
_____
To finish: the following is a poem I wrote:
The Young Maiden's Song
A young maiden sings upward as she twirls,
Dewdrops of late-night tickling her toes,
“Dear Moon above, knower of truest love,
Bring me the heart of my sweetest.”
“Dearest princess why is it you tear so?”
The stars twinkle down in a reply.
“Does not your sweetest bring you much laughter?”
The breeze echoes in the silver, moonlit leaves.
Her feet are tired, and covered with dirt,
Her chest is heavy with her burden,
Yet she continues to journey forth.
“I have lost it.” Crying up to the night.
“Dear Moon above, knower of truest love,
Why cannot I find my stolen heart?
Which was not meant to be taken away;
Not to one who could not do the same.”
“Charming angel I am naught but the Moon.
I cannot grant the heart that you wish.”
He smiled down on her from above.
“True love has taken yours and not theirs.”
She fell to the ground, eyes swelling with tears.
“This I have know from the beginning,
There is nothing that will win me her heart.”
And a painful smile spread on her lips.
A young maiden sings upward as she lays,
Dewdrops of late-night tickling her toes.
“Dear Moon above, knower of truest love,
Please bring back my heart from my sweetest.”
“Dearest princess why is it you cry so?”
The stars twinkle down in a reply.
“Does not your sweetest bring you much laughter?”
The breeze echoes in the silver, moonlit leaves.
“She brings me only pain and suffering,
Though she wishes for me only joy.”
The maiden says with her hand to her heart.
“Because she loves not how I love her.”
The night becomes silent and she sits up,
Looking around her she sees sunshine.
The dawn is coming and she has her heart,
Yet not knowing where to keep it now.
“Dearest princess why is it you cry so?”
Her sweetest says with an outstretched hand.
“Does not the sunshine bring you much laughter?”
Saying with the happiness of day.
Her problems fade away as she stands up,
All is clear in the light of daytime.
Her Sweetest keeps her heart for the meantime,
When she is ready, she will be there.
A young maiden sings upward as she twirls,
Thanking the early morning sunshine,
For her Sweetest friend and her sunshine,
Who guards her heart from the night.