Life...

[jetangel]

Man how life has changed, and it just keeps changing. I've found alot of answers, but found three times as much questions. It seems my life has to totally and utterly collapse for me to realize how much I need to fix it...over and over...

Comments

[audny_albatross]

It's been forever since I last talked to you and I haven't exactly kept up to date with most of your entries over the past year, although I have come back every now and then to see how you're doing. Um... I know, a while ago, you wrote something like 'and I eventually realised she didn't care' in relation to me, and I know I was a really bad friend, but I did care. I did miss you over the past year, less so toward the end than toward the beginning, but I also didn't really know how to talk to you now that you were so far away and we weren't living the same kind of life.

That doesn't excuse my behaviour, and it doesn't excuse the fact that while you were the best of friends to me, I wasn't a good friend in return -- in fact, I was anything but.

I want to apologise for that, and I want to say that I really did miss you and would like to be a friend again. I'll understand if you don't want to, for whatever reason, because I certainly don't deserve that kind of consideration.

Also, I still have your money that I borrowed last summer. I can mail it to you, or I can deliver it to you in person or you can pick it up sometime, your choice.

In the event that I never see or talk to you in person again, I just want to say thank you so much for being my friend and I hope your life is satisfying and rewarding because you definitely deserve it.

This is me talking to you ~obviously~

[jetangel]

Um... what to say. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard if I had actually went to sleep instead of still being awake at 5 in the friggin' morning. Woops, getting a bit off-track.

So... yeah. It has been almost a year since we really talked.

I figured if you cared at all, you'd say something. Me, I just tried to stop thinking about you entirely, because that's the way i USED to deal with my issues. [See, I have my problems too.] But lately I've had to learn how to get past the obstacles and even passed really caring for someone more, or really just in a different way, than they do. It's actually happened to me twice since we talked, although one was not really all too serious. [Frankly I don't know what I was thinking with that girl...sorry getting off-track again...]

Anyways just because I was trying NOT to think about you, doesn't mean I actually was successful there. I just wished that I could do something, or say something that would fix the awkwardness that was ... sort of a friendship. But that's life, it just HAS to be so DAMN complicated.

Anyways I tried to completely abandon livejournal, just because it represented alot of sour memories, and i was sick of hearing myself rant every time i posted, but i couldn't stop. [Sadly i've done a bit of that on facebook... but i deleted alot of those posts...] ... but i have been checking it every once in a while, to see if there was anything i should be reading.

Truthfully every time i saw that you were on aim i kinda wanted to say hi and see how you were feeling. But I'm really awkward on aim when i don't know what to say and I start to panic [its even worse on the phone]... i mean i've avoided talking to my friends from college much b/c i don't know what to say...and keep waiting for something to talk about but NOTHING happens around here and i just CAN"T find a job--OFF TRACK, ah!

To tell you the truth i figured you completely forgot about the money. ... I don't want to be TOO excited that you could pay me back... but it would be appriciated whenever...

Lastly, and most importantly: I do forgive you. I understand some of what you were going through. I had a particularly dark spot within the past couple months, and i dealt with alot of the stuff you did, at least from what I could understand...even though i thought I could never get that bad... and I forgive you for not being able to be the friend that maybe you should have been, because i treated my friends in a similar fashion, trying to protect them in my own demented way... I broke my best friend's heart, and I'm still working on repairing our friendship... well anyways...

You are most definitely worth another chance. And i'd like it if we be friends again.

For some reason it's hard for me to even type, but I missed you too. Maybe because it's so true.

Mer

PS: I put this only as a post script because I want you to know that I am not just saying this, but I was thinking about contacting you tonight or tomorrow if I could figure out how. It was really creepy to find an email from lj in my inbox.

Re: This is me talking to you ~obviously~

[audny_albatross]

I wanted to say something every time I saw you on aim, but like you I also didn't know how. You've probably noticed that I'm really bad at dealing with situations outside of my experience, and I avoid things that worry or frighten me or make me feel nervous. And I worried that now that you'd gone to college and gotten a bunch of new friends, you didn't need me anymore, and I should just fade away because that would be best for you. Also, you had an away message up a lot, so I felt like I shouldn't bother you. And then the times you didn't, I'd lose my nerve.

We should meet up sometime, yeah? I'll be getting a job soon (hopefully) and I have rehearsals three nights a week, but mornings and afternoons are generally free.