reminising
I've been thinkig alot about my past lately. How things have changed so much. Just looking over the past two years of lj entries I realize what a different person I am now. March 17th, 2005 I wrote "My Story" in the spirit of nostalgia I'm including part 1 along with part 2 :
My Story
Sorry Sam but I'm going to copy you.
0-1:
I was born a St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in October of 1987. My mom and dad lived in an apartment in Ann Arbor
1-8:
My parents moved to Big Pine Drive in Ypsi when I was around a year old. My sister was born when I was two, and I can't remember life without her, only being jealous of absolutely everything. I went to preschool at Huron Baptist Church (where Steven Phillips also went) I rode the bus to Lincoln schools from kindergarden through half of second grade. In kindergarden I was so shy that I couldn't even ask the teacher if I could go to the restroom, the door was right in the classroom for pete's sake! From first through second grade I suffered from chronic headaches and went home sick almost every day. I finally figured out just recently that they were from dehydration. Half-way through second grade my parents moved us to Chelsea.
8-11:
Shortly after we moved to Chelsea my parents got divorced. I finally figured out that it was probably planned. My dad moved out and from that day on he was poor. My mom worked alot at St. Joe's, she's a nurse, since Dad usually couldn't pay the child support. So Sarah and I were left with baby sitters and by ourselves eventually. School went on okay, I had a hard time keeping friends since I moved here, but elementary wasn't all that bad.
12-14:
Middle School was the closest to hell on this earth for me. I lost all my friends from elementary and couldn't make any new ones. I remember trying to stay alone just in order to avoid speaking to anyone. Seventh grade was even harder than sixth and eighth was the hardest. Except for the crazy girls who sat behind me in English, now Anna McAlpine, one of my best friends in the world, and Candace Stebleton, still the crazy girl in my English class, I had no one in the world.
Grade 9:
Freshman year was filled with tears for me. I made friends with some sophomores, but I couldn't talk to them. Then my grandma Holman got sick with cancer and died. Then Justin killed himself and I just wanted to die. But it would take more than that for me to think about it that seriously. Freshman year brought only one good thing. Mike. I had had a crush on him since sixth grade or so and he had been one of the first guys to talk to me when I moved to chelsea. But though I became good friends with him, and we went to dances alot, i couldn't find a way to tell him how I felt.
Grade 10:
Sophomore year brought me new confidence. I was getting close to Mike and I was opening up more to my friends. But then a day happened that I ended up scratching out of every single calender I could find. September 15th, it was a monday. On the previous Friday I had finally got up the courage to ask Mike out on a date and he said yes! But when Monday rolled around I could tell that something was up, he felt uncomfortable around me and I asked him about it waiting for the inevitable. I didn't talk to him for about a month until around halloween when I finally "got used to the idea of just being friends." Then when halloween came around we had another fight and I was thrown into a state of depression. it would take another two or so months before we "got back together"
Finally I made some friends in my grade second semester. Anna McAlpine and Kristen Gines, both in my french class, and Kristen in my history class. Things were looking up when summer rolled around.
Last summer:
I got a job at Polly's and made some money. Anna and I went to see some movies together a few times and I hung out with Mike almost every day. Finally I thought that things were going my way. Then I went and ruined it all on the last day before school started again. I had made up my mind that I couldn't pretend anymore, I liked Mike too much. I told him we couldn't be friends cause I liked him. But I think he took it the wrong way.
I cried all the way home. I thought of killing myself that night, I seriously did. I thought of how to do it. But it all seemed too painful. I had tried to call people. I couldn't tell my dad. Then I called Anna, making an excuse that I wanted to go to the fair with her, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell my only friend in the world that I needed her help. That's why I wanted to die, I was so affraid I couldn't even tell HER I was upset. I never told her, not even to this day.
Grade 11: (so far)
I still felt for Mike but I had given up on him entirely and I suffered emotionally. I had lost the only friend that I could really talk to. The one that if my mom yelled at me that I could call and talk to, the one who comforted me the night I ran away from home when my mom scared me with her temper. The one who listened, even though he always was too rough with me and broke rules.
I decided I was going to find someone else to like. First I had a crush on Teddy, which I fought over for a while with Sam, who eventually became a good friend of mine. Then I had a major crush on Alex McKay. But my dreams were accidentally stepped on by Anna when she told me he was gay. Then I had a thing for James Bassett, only after I asked him to the winter carnival dance, then he broke my heart by being himself and not wanting to be anything more than friends.
But now I think I'm okay. I've got Anna and Kristen and Sam and Emily (from my church). I don't need a guy. And I even talked a little with Mike recently.
In March of 2005 I was in the middle of my Junior year at Chelsea High School. My relationship with Michael was never really repaired after our last fallout. I don't think he ever really understood what I had been trying to tell him. I remember feeling terrible for what I had done, not for my feelings but for the way I went about dealing with them. I attempted to tell him that. I didn't talk to him for quite some time...
Anyways, the rest of the year was mostly uneventful. I had my eyes on Alex most of the time, and I was even going to risk asking him out to prom. But then Joel asked me. I had thought about him. I even mentioned it to some of my friends. I was shocked that he, or anyone for that matter, actually asked me.
Prom theme that year was Under the Sea. I would have had so much more fun if I didn't have a terrible migraine from sitting in that hot room taking the SATs all that morning. I remember that was the one that Anna and her mother gave me a ride home from, and even took me out to lunch. I think that was one of the best parts of that day, sad to say.
Joel was nice, and I had a lovely time. He was very polite, and was such a funny, cute guy. But he just wouldn't stop asking me if I was having fun. I suppose he was just nervous, very, very nervous.
I had hoped that things would continue with Joel, but the year ended with hardly a word between us. I went back to work at Polly's that summer and somehow spent almost all that money by the end of it.
I believe that was the summer I went to Montana with my mother. We saw the Rockys! They were gorgeous! But travelling alone with my mother was a HUGE mistake. My mother and I just don't get along. but in the end I guess it was kinda worth it, because I got to live one of my life's dreams to go out west to Montana and see mountains!
Senior year...oh what a year. I think the first semester was one of the best time's in my life. I had a good few friends, my grades were good, and I found the college of my dreams: Albion, on Friday, October 21st, 2005. (Yes I remember the exact day.) Of course it was followed by the worst week and birthday of my entire life, up until that point at least, when I went to Kentucky with my ag science group. That jackass Kenny made my life hell on an allday roadtrip to hicksville central. Yeah...that's right I joined the FFA...as part of my Animal & Plant science concorsium class. It was an utter waste of 1/2 of my day.
I did, however, get to shadow Dr. Bowers at Lane Animal Hospital that semester. And you might think i'm a dork, but that was one of the funnest things I've ever done. And after all that work I did on a presentation, I never got to turn it in or present it. funny...
well...starting late that fall... I began to... realize things...things that scared me a christain...a rather conservative christian at that point...
it's only been recently that I've discovered how far back these feelings have gone... but of course... being gay is not something you choose ...
reading my words from not even two years ago...i almost laugh at how blind i was...
in eighth grade i had... dare i say it?... a crush on Maggie D... I thought she was utterly gorgeous... of course I shook such thoughts off ... where did that come from? i would think that must be the devil talking... of course it was, or that's what I thought back then... I was sheltered in my little hole of ignorance... being gay was wrong... having such thoughts were wrong...
but a conversation with someone really got me thinking...I'm not sure when it was but it was probably in the fall of my junior year. i know it was at a football game. it was a very personal conversation I had with Anna, one of the few time's i've actually been able to open up. somehow the subject came up. i stated my opinion, being gay is wrong, it's a sin, if a gay person were to really know god, they would turn from that behavior.
anna really didn't believe that. and to tell you the truth i don't really remember all that she said... i just remember thinking...for the first time ever... why do i believe that? do i know for sure??
That conversation was all i could remember when last winter came along. I was becoming utterly aborbed in the world of shoujo-ai and yuri. I listened to tATu non-stop, and I was becoming increasingly suspicious of my sister's relationship with Alice...and oddly...jealous...
...in January... i got a membership to the health and wellness center... i fell for a fitness instructor there... and felt some things for the first time... and i knew for sure...
it didn't take me long to decide what i wanted to do my term paper on... because that way...i could learn some things...without having to be sneaky.... that's when i came upon a pamphlet, to help with the coming out process...
i told my mom first... although I never really said the "g" word (or any word really, for that matter). I just told her about how i confused i was because... i thought i liked Anna... god that was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do... Now i say I ~thought~ i liked her. Which i realized later........i was lost... reaching on to all that i had left... and that was my best friend...
I may have scared her away...or maybe when i came out to her...it was just too much to handle.... I don't know. And I don't think I'll ever know for sure why she became uncomfortable...and she said I should find other friends...other friends that could understand better...
I felt abandoned and alone. Alice was my fallback. Things went terribly wrong with her and Sarah about then...and we both needed a friend...but then...i fell for her... i thought that I would do anything for her...
...the day of the winter carnival dance i asked her to go with me... and to my surprise she actually said yes... i think that was one of the most awkward nights i've ever experienced.......................
... later on i got the "let's just be friends" but i understood... she was going through alot...and i had almost not even mentioned anything...
but we tried to get along that way...me liking her ... her not really...
... high school ended... graduation party's and ceremonies ensued.... Anna showed up to mine... the only of my friends from school other than Alice, which was awkward for Sarah i'm sure... i got invited to only one graduation party, and that was sort of unceremoniously...
...i went back to Polly's again last summer...and worked as a cashier... saving up money for college... buying all sorts of stuff for my dorm...(which i barely even spend any time in...ironically)...
... in July I came to give Alice her birthday present... and sometime around then...i finally realized how little she felt for me... and i moved on...mostly...
... the first few weeks of college...i hung out with Brittany and Laura... and eventually came out to them...
... then one of the best days in my life happened... i met Kate and Jael, well actually i met Jael a couple days before...in the bathroom of course... i had no idea about "those people around the corner" but one day I met Jael in the bathroom... and i wondered why a stranger was in there...when i found out she lived in my hall i was shocked...
a couple days later i found her sitting with who I was introduced to as Kate, her roomate, and their friend Josh. Poor Josh, they had stolen his glasses that day, and without his contacts he was nearly blind and utterly helpless...
well i'll have to tell the rest later...(part 3?) because as the story crawls closer to the problems at hand... i find myself unable to think about them... it's just too painful...
My Story
Sorry Sam but I'm going to copy you.
0-1:
I was born a St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in October of 1987. My mom and dad lived in an apartment in Ann Arbor
1-8:
My parents moved to Big Pine Drive in Ypsi when I was around a year old. My sister was born when I was two, and I can't remember life without her, only being jealous of absolutely everything. I went to preschool at Huron Baptist Church (where Steven Phillips also went) I rode the bus to Lincoln schools from kindergarden through half of second grade. In kindergarden I was so shy that I couldn't even ask the teacher if I could go to the restroom, the door was right in the classroom for pete's sake! From first through second grade I suffered from chronic headaches and went home sick almost every day. I finally figured out just recently that they were from dehydration. Half-way through second grade my parents moved us to Chelsea.
8-11:
Shortly after we moved to Chelsea my parents got divorced. I finally figured out that it was probably planned. My dad moved out and from that day on he was poor. My mom worked alot at St. Joe's, she's a nurse, since Dad usually couldn't pay the child support. So Sarah and I were left with baby sitters and by ourselves eventually. School went on okay, I had a hard time keeping friends since I moved here, but elementary wasn't all that bad.
12-14:
Middle School was the closest to hell on this earth for me. I lost all my friends from elementary and couldn't make any new ones. I remember trying to stay alone just in order to avoid speaking to anyone. Seventh grade was even harder than sixth and eighth was the hardest. Except for the crazy girls who sat behind me in English, now Anna McAlpine, one of my best friends in the world, and Candace Stebleton, still the crazy girl in my English class, I had no one in the world.
Grade 9:
Freshman year was filled with tears for me. I made friends with some sophomores, but I couldn't talk to them. Then my grandma Holman got sick with cancer and died. Then Justin killed himself and I just wanted to die. But it would take more than that for me to think about it that seriously. Freshman year brought only one good thing. Mike. I had had a crush on him since sixth grade or so and he had been one of the first guys to talk to me when I moved to chelsea. But though I became good friends with him, and we went to dances alot, i couldn't find a way to tell him how I felt.
Grade 10:
Sophomore year brought me new confidence. I was getting close to Mike and I was opening up more to my friends. But then a day happened that I ended up scratching out of every single calender I could find. September 15th, it was a monday. On the previous Friday I had finally got up the courage to ask Mike out on a date and he said yes! But when Monday rolled around I could tell that something was up, he felt uncomfortable around me and I asked him about it waiting for the inevitable. I didn't talk to him for about a month until around halloween when I finally "got used to the idea of just being friends." Then when halloween came around we had another fight and I was thrown into a state of depression. it would take another two or so months before we "got back together"
Finally I made some friends in my grade second semester. Anna McAlpine and Kristen Gines, both in my french class, and Kristen in my history class. Things were looking up when summer rolled around.
Last summer:
I got a job at Polly's and made some money. Anna and I went to see some movies together a few times and I hung out with Mike almost every day. Finally I thought that things were going my way. Then I went and ruined it all on the last day before school started again. I had made up my mind that I couldn't pretend anymore, I liked Mike too much. I told him we couldn't be friends cause I liked him. But I think he took it the wrong way.
I cried all the way home. I thought of killing myself that night, I seriously did. I thought of how to do it. But it all seemed too painful. I had tried to call people. I couldn't tell my dad. Then I called Anna, making an excuse that I wanted to go to the fair with her, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell my only friend in the world that I needed her help. That's why I wanted to die, I was so affraid I couldn't even tell HER I was upset. I never told her, not even to this day.
Grade 11: (so far)
I still felt for Mike but I had given up on him entirely and I suffered emotionally. I had lost the only friend that I could really talk to. The one that if my mom yelled at me that I could call and talk to, the one who comforted me the night I ran away from home when my mom scared me with her temper. The one who listened, even though he always was too rough with me and broke rules.
I decided I was going to find someone else to like. First I had a crush on Teddy, which I fought over for a while with Sam, who eventually became a good friend of mine. Then I had a major crush on Alex McKay. But my dreams were accidentally stepped on by Anna when she told me he was gay. Then I had a thing for James Bassett, only after I asked him to the winter carnival dance, then he broke my heart by being himself and not wanting to be anything more than friends.
But now I think I'm okay. I've got Anna and Kristen and Sam and Emily (from my church). I don't need a guy. And I even talked a little with Mike recently.
In March of 2005 I was in the middle of my Junior year at Chelsea High School. My relationship with Michael was never really repaired after our last fallout. I don't think he ever really understood what I had been trying to tell him. I remember feeling terrible for what I had done, not for my feelings but for the way I went about dealing with them. I attempted to tell him that. I didn't talk to him for quite some time...
Anyways, the rest of the year was mostly uneventful. I had my eyes on Alex most of the time, and I was even going to risk asking him out to prom. But then Joel asked me. I had thought about him. I even mentioned it to some of my friends. I was shocked that he, or anyone for that matter, actually asked me.
Prom theme that year was Under the Sea. I would have had so much more fun if I didn't have a terrible migraine from sitting in that hot room taking the SATs all that morning. I remember that was the one that Anna and her mother gave me a ride home from, and even took me out to lunch. I think that was one of the best parts of that day, sad to say.
Joel was nice, and I had a lovely time. He was very polite, and was such a funny, cute guy. But he just wouldn't stop asking me if I was having fun. I suppose he was just nervous, very, very nervous.
I had hoped that things would continue with Joel, but the year ended with hardly a word between us. I went back to work at Polly's that summer and somehow spent almost all that money by the end of it.
I believe that was the summer I went to Montana with my mother. We saw the Rockys! They were gorgeous! But travelling alone with my mother was a HUGE mistake. My mother and I just don't get along. but in the end I guess it was kinda worth it, because I got to live one of my life's dreams to go out west to Montana and see mountains!
Senior year...oh what a year. I think the first semester was one of the best time's in my life. I had a good few friends, my grades were good, and I found the college of my dreams: Albion, on Friday, October 21st, 2005. (Yes I remember the exact day.) Of course it was followed by the worst week and birthday of my entire life, up until that point at least, when I went to Kentucky with my ag science group. That jackass Kenny made my life hell on an allday roadtrip to hicksville central. Yeah...that's right I joined the FFA...as part of my Animal & Plant science concorsium class. It was an utter waste of 1/2 of my day.
I did, however, get to shadow Dr. Bowers at Lane Animal Hospital that semester. And you might think i'm a dork, but that was one of the funnest things I've ever done. And after all that work I did on a presentation, I never got to turn it in or present it. funny...
well...starting late that fall... I began to... realize things...things that scared me a christain...a rather conservative christian at that point...
it's only been recently that I've discovered how far back these feelings have gone... but of course... being gay is not something you choose ...
reading my words from not even two years ago...i almost laugh at how blind i was...
in eighth grade i had... dare i say it?... a crush on Maggie D... I thought she was utterly gorgeous... of course I shook such thoughts off ... where did that come from? i would think that must be the devil talking... of course it was, or that's what I thought back then... I was sheltered in my little hole of ignorance... being gay was wrong... having such thoughts were wrong...
but a conversation with someone really got me thinking...I'm not sure when it was but it was probably in the fall of my junior year. i know it was at a football game. it was a very personal conversation I had with Anna, one of the few time's i've actually been able to open up. somehow the subject came up. i stated my opinion, being gay is wrong, it's a sin, if a gay person were to really know god, they would turn from that behavior.
anna really didn't believe that. and to tell you the truth i don't really remember all that she said... i just remember thinking...for the first time ever... why do i believe that? do i know for sure??
That conversation was all i could remember when last winter came along. I was becoming utterly aborbed in the world of shoujo-ai and yuri. I listened to tATu non-stop, and I was becoming increasingly suspicious of my sister's relationship with Alice...and oddly...jealous...
...in January... i got a membership to the health and wellness center... i fell for a fitness instructor there... and felt some things for the first time... and i knew for sure...
it didn't take me long to decide what i wanted to do my term paper on... because that way...i could learn some things...without having to be sneaky.... that's when i came upon a pamphlet, to help with the coming out process...
i told my mom first... although I never really said the "g" word (or any word really, for that matter). I just told her about how i confused i was because... i thought i liked Anna... god that was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do... Now i say I ~thought~ i liked her. Which i realized later........i was lost... reaching on to all that i had left... and that was my best friend...
I may have scared her away...or maybe when i came out to her...it was just too much to handle.... I don't know. And I don't think I'll ever know for sure why she became uncomfortable...and she said I should find other friends...other friends that could understand better...
I felt abandoned and alone. Alice was my fallback. Things went terribly wrong with her and Sarah about then...and we both needed a friend...but then...i fell for her... i thought that I would do anything for her...
...the day of the winter carnival dance i asked her to go with me... and to my surprise she actually said yes... i think that was one of the most awkward nights i've ever experienced.......................
... later on i got the "let's just be friends" but i understood... she was going through alot...and i had almost not even mentioned anything...
but we tried to get along that way...me liking her ... her not really...
... high school ended... graduation party's and ceremonies ensued.... Anna showed up to mine... the only of my friends from school other than Alice, which was awkward for Sarah i'm sure... i got invited to only one graduation party, and that was sort of unceremoniously...
...i went back to Polly's again last summer...and worked as a cashier... saving up money for college... buying all sorts of stuff for my dorm...(which i barely even spend any time in...ironically)...
... in July I came to give Alice her birthday present... and sometime around then...i finally realized how little she felt for me... and i moved on...mostly...
... the first few weeks of college...i hung out with Brittany and Laura... and eventually came out to them...
... then one of the best days in my life happened... i met Kate and Jael, well actually i met Jael a couple days before...in the bathroom of course... i had no idea about "those people around the corner" but one day I met Jael in the bathroom... and i wondered why a stranger was in there...when i found out she lived in my hall i was shocked...
a couple days later i found her sitting with who I was introduced to as Kate, her roomate, and their friend Josh. Poor Josh, they had stolen his glasses that day, and without his contacts he was nearly blind and utterly helpless...
well i'll have to tell the rest later...(part 3?) because as the story crawls closer to the problems at hand... i find myself unable to think about them... it's just too painful...