back again, and with bad news
So.. if anyone still reads this.. i've been gone for a while. I went to Todd (my mom's b/f) house and chilled with his duaghter and her guy and their two VERY young kinds. Then her an me and the kids set off for vancouver, washington for a week. I got to meet her mom and grnadmother and both were pretty cool. saw a few movies, went a few interesting places, and got into Airsoft guns. they're awesome. I've already got three. Hoping i can get Ryan into it as it's essentially a lot like paintballing but less mess, less expensive, and a lot less painful (unless you get nailed in the eye >_<).
Anyway..
DISCLAIMER: the following is very emo and very sad. If you dont want to know, STOP reading now!
While i was down in V, the pain in my legs got EXCRUTIATING. Understand, i've been on paxil (an anti-depressant), for, at the time, about 5 weeks, which is when it's supposed to be at it's FULL effect. Anyway, pain. As i've got medical coupons now, we decided that maybe it was time for a trip to the ER. My friend has a chronic illness as well and get vicodin and perkiset very easily. I'd been taking those (she wont because of her kids), and they'd been effective... for a while.. >_> so yeah.. the PERKISET STOPPED WORKING on the pain in my legs. sad huh? anyway, hospital. They did NOTHING. the retarded doctor wouldn't accept that the pain was caused by the neuropathy. It is admitedly, rare. It usually makes the limbs numb. at this point.. i'd KILL for "numb" (hence the strong narcotics, which i admit, i was very very addicted to). So, without even getting an IV (which is pretty SOP for diabetics no matter WHAT they're in for), we decided it was bullshit, and left. On the way out the door, he asked my friend what i was going to do and she told him: "probably go home and get really drunk so he wont hurt so much!" and you know what he ACTUALLY SAID BACK???: "Well, that's a good thing for a diabetic to do every now and again." in all seriousness!!! HOLY SHIT! NO it's NOT!!!! a night of heavy drinking can quite easily kill me! I'm a LOT more vulnerable to it than normal people!! what a fuckin retard!
So, next day: We decide that the five of us (me, friend her mom and the two chitlins), should go to the sweet ass mall they have down there (where they have an airsoft shop! XD). SO we wander around for about an hour and a half (by the way, i didn't have anything to drink the night before), to two hours. By the time we decided to head back, i'm REALLY hurtin. I can't hardly SEE straight. On the ride home, i passed out. In the back. I dont think i was out for TOO long but we were back "home" when i came to. No one had tried to rouse me, or wake me up or check on me or anything so i dont think we'd been back for too long. so yeah. i come around and the pain is BLINDING.. we're talkin a big fat TEN on the Pain-o-meter. By some miracle, i make it to the door. (they live on a second story apartment, and the staircase is actually just inside the front door). Where upon taking the first two steps up, i fall to my knees, and can no longer use my legs as anything but dead weights to keep me from sliding down the stairs. SO using just my arms (and i have NO upper body strength anymore), i crawled and clawed my way up a VERY long flight of stairs. it took me TWENTY MINUTES to get up there. ANd no one even NOTICED. so i FINALLY get to the top, heartrate is astronomical, on the verge of passing out AGAIN and the stupidest thing pops into my head: "I better get my test stuff off the floor in case one of the kids gets to it." so i muster my strength and try to chuck the kit ont a shelf above me. Bear in mind my legs are suspended above the stairs, my upper torso at the top because i could no longer move my legs at ALL because of the pain. After the third try i FINALLY get it up there. my friend hears my attempts and comes around the corner to find out what the hel;l is going on and notices me, lying on the floor, only part-way conscious. It takes a few minutes for her to get me to okay the calling of 911. an ambulance arrives, they haul me off. in this hospital (a different one from the day before), they dont give me anything to kill pain quickly. they just give me some fluids and some... adavan? or something.. my leg pain eases off a bit to where i can like.. see and kind of think again. Doc writes me a perscription for a painkiller called "Tegritol." What the hell, give it a try right? I HIGHLY believe it wont work, just like everything else we've tried.
Next day: Remember how i'm on this anti-depression medication right? Well.. i go in and grab a bottle of some of my friends sleeping pills, with the intention of taking the rest of them (they're DEADLY if you take more than one to start off, with no resistances built up to it.) Unfortunatly, i had to ASK her which ones they were, and she took the bottle away and hid her meds. A little while later, her, her mom, and her kids decide to go to the pool for a while. I feel like shit on every level possible. I find her box of pills when her grnadma goes off to the bathroom and i also find the bottle of tegritol, which had also been semi-hidden from me. There were 12 pills in that bottle. I grabbed what was left of my diet coke, went out onto the balcony, and laid the rest of those painkillers on the railing. And one after one, i took them all. bam, bam, bam, bam.. like that. apparently, her mom and her, both noticed me (you can see the pool from the balcony), and called up to the apartment wondering what i'd just been doing. I told them and they called an ambulance. So that's the punchline here kids.. Ren tried to kill himself. And had it not been for the call, would have succeeded. They gave me charcoal and had to watch me through the night and such. There were cops and social workers involved, and i even had a guard in my room in the ER for a few hours.
I
seriously
wanted
to
die.
i'm so tired of pain.. pain in my legs. in my back. in my head. in my heart. in my soul. I was throwing in the towel. SOme will say "Oh well if you'd been serious about it, you'd have taken the pills somewhere else and not told anyone." yeah well.. maybe so.. but if i HADN'T been serious about it... i wouldn't have taken the pills at all. I'd have called the ambulance as soon as i knew i was suicidal. I still kind of am too... but whatever.. no one gives a shit anyway.
Ashley. i hope to god you still read this every now and again. Because i want you to know. That you did this to me. You've made me this. You ABANDONED me in my hour of need. i loved you ashley. i loved you as much as any one could ever love another person.. I loved you with everything i was. I'm nothing now. I am shattered. Yeah, i might try to rebuild. Maybe. I dont have a lot of fight left. You took it with you.. and you know.. it's not even that you abandoned me.. so much as that you did so at the FIRST TROUBLE we came to!! you didn't even TRY to help me. to lift me up some when i needed you THE MOST. becuase a relationship is a two way street. You support EACH OTHER. And yes, for a while i wasn't very good at helping you through tough times. But i didn't give up on you. I never stopped LOVING you. SO to me... everything you've ever told me about YOUR feelings, was a bold faced LIE.
L
I
E
I can't even wish you happiness anymore. I dont think you deserve it anymore.
I hope to god you still read this every now and again. Because i want you to know.
Anyway..
DISCLAIMER: the following is very emo and very sad. If you dont want to know, STOP reading now!
While i was down in V, the pain in my legs got EXCRUTIATING. Understand, i've been on paxil (an anti-depressant), for, at the time, about 5 weeks, which is when it's supposed to be at it's FULL effect. Anyway, pain. As i've got medical coupons now, we decided that maybe it was time for a trip to the ER. My friend has a chronic illness as well and get vicodin and perkiset very easily. I'd been taking those (she wont because of her kids), and they'd been effective... for a while.. >_> so yeah.. the PERKISET STOPPED WORKING on the pain in my legs. sad huh? anyway, hospital. They did NOTHING. the retarded doctor wouldn't accept that the pain was caused by the neuropathy. It is admitedly, rare. It usually makes the limbs numb. at this point.. i'd KILL for "numb" (hence the strong narcotics, which i admit, i was very very addicted to). So, without even getting an IV (which is pretty SOP for diabetics no matter WHAT they're in for), we decided it was bullshit, and left. On the way out the door, he asked my friend what i was going to do and she told him: "probably go home and get really drunk so he wont hurt so much!" and you know what he ACTUALLY SAID BACK???: "Well, that's a good thing for a diabetic to do every now and again." in all seriousness!!! HOLY SHIT! NO it's NOT!!!! a night of heavy drinking can quite easily kill me! I'm a LOT more vulnerable to it than normal people!! what a fuckin retard!
So, next day: We decide that the five of us (me, friend her mom and the two chitlins), should go to the sweet ass mall they have down there (where they have an airsoft shop! XD). SO we wander around for about an hour and a half (by the way, i didn't have anything to drink the night before), to two hours. By the time we decided to head back, i'm REALLY hurtin. I can't hardly SEE straight. On the ride home, i passed out. In the back. I dont think i was out for TOO long but we were back "home" when i came to. No one had tried to rouse me, or wake me up or check on me or anything so i dont think we'd been back for too long. so yeah. i come around and the pain is BLINDING.. we're talkin a big fat TEN on the Pain-o-meter. By some miracle, i make it to the door. (they live on a second story apartment, and the staircase is actually just inside the front door). Where upon taking the first two steps up, i fall to my knees, and can no longer use my legs as anything but dead weights to keep me from sliding down the stairs. SO using just my arms (and i have NO upper body strength anymore), i crawled and clawed my way up a VERY long flight of stairs. it took me TWENTY MINUTES to get up there. ANd no one even NOTICED. so i FINALLY get to the top, heartrate is astronomical, on the verge of passing out AGAIN and the stupidest thing pops into my head: "I better get my test stuff off the floor in case one of the kids gets to it." so i muster my strength and try to chuck the kit ont a shelf above me. Bear in mind my legs are suspended above the stairs, my upper torso at the top because i could no longer move my legs at ALL because of the pain. After the third try i FINALLY get it up there. my friend hears my attempts and comes around the corner to find out what the hel;l is going on and notices me, lying on the floor, only part-way conscious. It takes a few minutes for her to get me to okay the calling of 911. an ambulance arrives, they haul me off. in this hospital (a different one from the day before), they dont give me anything to kill pain quickly. they just give me some fluids and some... adavan? or something.. my leg pain eases off a bit to where i can like.. see and kind of think again. Doc writes me a perscription for a painkiller called "Tegritol." What the hell, give it a try right? I HIGHLY believe it wont work, just like everything else we've tried.
Next day: Remember how i'm on this anti-depression medication right? Well.. i go in and grab a bottle of some of my friends sleeping pills, with the intention of taking the rest of them (they're DEADLY if you take more than one to start off, with no resistances built up to it.) Unfortunatly, i had to ASK her which ones they were, and she took the bottle away and hid her meds. A little while later, her, her mom, and her kids decide to go to the pool for a while. I feel like shit on every level possible. I find her box of pills when her grnadma goes off to the bathroom and i also find the bottle of tegritol, which had also been semi-hidden from me. There were 12 pills in that bottle. I grabbed what was left of my diet coke, went out onto the balcony, and laid the rest of those painkillers on the railing. And one after one, i took them all. bam, bam, bam, bam.. like that. apparently, her mom and her, both noticed me (you can see the pool from the balcony), and called up to the apartment wondering what i'd just been doing. I told them and they called an ambulance. So that's the punchline here kids.. Ren tried to kill himself. And had it not been for the call, would have succeeded. They gave me charcoal and had to watch me through the night and such. There were cops and social workers involved, and i even had a guard in my room in the ER for a few hours.
I
seriously
wanted
to
die.
i'm so tired of pain.. pain in my legs. in my back. in my head. in my heart. in my soul. I was throwing in the towel. SOme will say "Oh well if you'd been serious about it, you'd have taken the pills somewhere else and not told anyone." yeah well.. maybe so.. but if i HADN'T been serious about it... i wouldn't have taken the pills at all. I'd have called the ambulance as soon as i knew i was suicidal. I still kind of am too... but whatever.. no one gives a shit anyway.
Ashley. i hope to god you still read this every now and again. Because i want you to know. That you did this to me. You've made me this. You ABANDONED me in my hour of need. i loved you ashley. i loved you as much as any one could ever love another person.. I loved you with everything i was. I'm nothing now. I am shattered. Yeah, i might try to rebuild. Maybe. I dont have a lot of fight left. You took it with you.. and you know.. it's not even that you abandoned me.. so much as that you did so at the FIRST TROUBLE we came to!! you didn't even TRY to help me. to lift me up some when i needed you THE MOST. becuase a relationship is a two way street. You support EACH OTHER. And yes, for a while i wasn't very good at helping you through tough times. But i didn't give up on you. I never stopped LOVING you. SO to me... everything you've ever told me about YOUR feelings, was a bold faced LIE.
L
I
E
I can't even wish you happiness anymore. I dont think you deserve it anymore.
I hope to god you still read this every now and again. Because i want you to know.