The Prodigal Blogger and Never satified Mind returns.
It's been a minute since i logged on to LJ, heck it's been a minute since i got on the computer at all! I am now twenty five and this journal has been around since i was a green 18 and freshman at Berry College in Rome Ga.
I guess one of the foremost things on my mind lately has been the worry over what i want to "be' when i 'grow up'. In many ways I'm already there, the only growing i have left to do is growing down, the breakdown of my mind and body tissue but that hopefully is still many years away.
I grow in my mind daily but that isn't something you can track or prove. I have very recently fallen in love with the idea of learning everything and seeing the whole world while doing such. I was not ready for college back in 2001. I wasn't ready for life either but one has no choice, we get what we are handed and we deal with it accordingly. There is no pause button. No fast forward or rewind. Just lessons learned. So i sit, day after day, wondering where my priorities should lie, wondering what to do with my life, and constantly fretting over the fact that i feel as if i am doing nothing. I am frozen in place, frozen from moving forward because i don't know which path to choose. I can see many paths stretching out and onward, waiting for me to travel down them. Each path will lead me to other paths eventually i know; but i just don't know where it is i want to go. So the stagnant quality of my life is my own doing and can only be undone by me. Unless i win the lottery or something equally as enabling and amazing happens. That shit is for books and movies though, real life is messy and chaotic and random regardless of the amount of pre-planning put in.
One certainty i can rely on is my relentless desire to nurture. So far I nurture my puppy and my true friends. I used to nurture one and all but that blew up in my face and landed me in a state of fear and depression, which almost destroyed me. I used to love everyone. I wanted to experience every person, hear their stories, see things from their perspectives. I also wanted to heal everyone i met who was broken and ultimately i wanted to be an inspiration to the world and show everyone that there is still reason to hold on to hope in humanity. Somewhere along the way i realized that these desires turned me into an overly trusting and giving doormat. Needless to say, i now harbor a secret hatred for the world and it's stupid priorities.
I know it's not fair to generalize that way but I have 25 years of experiencing what it's like to be used and lied to and taken advantage of to thank for my newfound perogatives. I try to be a stronger person everyday. It's such a conundrum because i am a strong person in so many ways yet i am still weak to the needs and priorities of others. I am literally disgusted with media and society. I feel that the bad far outweighs the good influences in the world. It's all too much for one person to take on and why give in to a martyr complex? What good would it do? Would i be living my life for me? Would i even be living at all?
One solution i feel would be to take on a different challenge to fill the nurture void inside of me. I'm still marinating over it but I think it would be amazing to become a spokesperson for endangered species and to fight for their salvation through scientific data, public speaking, and critical problem solving. I would like to start by working on rehabilitation preserves for injured wild animals all over the world. I could satisfy my need to nurture and give, my desire to travel and see the world, and my desire to never stop learning. I'm not sure yet but when these thoughts first occurred to me i cried with relief for the first and only time in my life. Tears of joy exist!
I would also love a career in production. I want to be a creative mind and idea have-r, a writer, an actress, a voice on animated television, and an inspirational speaker.
I also want to be a marine biologist, herpetologist, paleontologist, and an eternal student.
More than anything I want to be happy and i want someone to share my happiness with. I want to live off the earth and in harmony with the earth because she is more important to me that my own life. She will go on (hopefully) long after i am gone and i would like to make this shit sandwich a better place.
Don't call me a fuckin hippie cause i'll come break down your door kill your whole family and then bury you in the ground as fertilizer and nutrients for mother fuckin earth you haters.
oh yeah, and do i have to go back to college to accomplish all this?
I guess one of the foremost things on my mind lately has been the worry over what i want to "be' when i 'grow up'. In many ways I'm already there, the only growing i have left to do is growing down, the breakdown of my mind and body tissue but that hopefully is still many years away.
I grow in my mind daily but that isn't something you can track or prove. I have very recently fallen in love with the idea of learning everything and seeing the whole world while doing such. I was not ready for college back in 2001. I wasn't ready for life either but one has no choice, we get what we are handed and we deal with it accordingly. There is no pause button. No fast forward or rewind. Just lessons learned. So i sit, day after day, wondering where my priorities should lie, wondering what to do with my life, and constantly fretting over the fact that i feel as if i am doing nothing. I am frozen in place, frozen from moving forward because i don't know which path to choose. I can see many paths stretching out and onward, waiting for me to travel down them. Each path will lead me to other paths eventually i know; but i just don't know where it is i want to go. So the stagnant quality of my life is my own doing and can only be undone by me. Unless i win the lottery or something equally as enabling and amazing happens. That shit is for books and movies though, real life is messy and chaotic and random regardless of the amount of pre-planning put in.
One certainty i can rely on is my relentless desire to nurture. So far I nurture my puppy and my true friends. I used to nurture one and all but that blew up in my face and landed me in a state of fear and depression, which almost destroyed me. I used to love everyone. I wanted to experience every person, hear their stories, see things from their perspectives. I also wanted to heal everyone i met who was broken and ultimately i wanted to be an inspiration to the world and show everyone that there is still reason to hold on to hope in humanity. Somewhere along the way i realized that these desires turned me into an overly trusting and giving doormat. Needless to say, i now harbor a secret hatred for the world and it's stupid priorities.
I know it's not fair to generalize that way but I have 25 years of experiencing what it's like to be used and lied to and taken advantage of to thank for my newfound perogatives. I try to be a stronger person everyday. It's such a conundrum because i am a strong person in so many ways yet i am still weak to the needs and priorities of others. I am literally disgusted with media and society. I feel that the bad far outweighs the good influences in the world. It's all too much for one person to take on and why give in to a martyr complex? What good would it do? Would i be living my life for me? Would i even be living at all?
One solution i feel would be to take on a different challenge to fill the nurture void inside of me. I'm still marinating over it but I think it would be amazing to become a spokesperson for endangered species and to fight for their salvation through scientific data, public speaking, and critical problem solving. I would like to start by working on rehabilitation preserves for injured wild animals all over the world. I could satisfy my need to nurture and give, my desire to travel and see the world, and my desire to never stop learning. I'm not sure yet but when these thoughts first occurred to me i cried with relief for the first and only time in my life. Tears of joy exist!
I would also love a career in production. I want to be a creative mind and idea have-r, a writer, an actress, a voice on animated television, and an inspirational speaker.
I also want to be a marine biologist, herpetologist, paleontologist, and an eternal student.
More than anything I want to be happy and i want someone to share my happiness with. I want to live off the earth and in harmony with the earth because she is more important to me that my own life. She will go on (hopefully) long after i am gone and i would like to make this shit sandwich a better place.
Don't call me a fuckin hippie cause i'll come break down your door kill your whole family and then bury you in the ground as fertilizer and nutrients for mother fuckin earth you haters.
oh yeah, and do i have to go back to college to accomplish all this?