(no subject)
i really should stop drinking.
if i had had a gun, or even a fairly sharp knife, i would have killed myself last night without thinking twice.
i'm not even half-kidding. that's not intended to be a shocking statement, or a cry for help, or a plea for attention, or any of that silly emo crap. just a true statement. a stark observation. she said she never wants to see me again. she hates me now. i don't know if she means that, or if it'll happen. i don't even remember what i said to make her say that. i do remember her slapping me in the face. hard. more than once. and all i could do was sob like an idiot and tell her what she already knows and highly doubts, that i love her and would die for her again and again and again. she thinks i want to hurt her, and the reality is that that couldn't be further from the truth. i'd much rather hurt myself, cut off my own thumb, stop running. she doesn't understand that. or believe it. she doesn't really understand the fact that i just want to be able to talk to her about anything, and that i want her to be able to do the same, either. she thinks i want her just to have sex with her, which was probably true for the first month after we broke up, or that i still want to be with her, which was true for the last couple months, but no. i don't want to be with her anymore. i really, truly don't. but it still rips me apart that she doesn't care about me much or at all anymore.
i sometimes think my perceptions are clearest when i'm trashed out of my mind. physically, i may look like a freaked-out wreck on the floor, but the thoughts whizzing through my mind are just monumental epiphanies, one after another after another. relationships can screw themselves up so quickly, and get worse and worse, like rolling snowballs that never stop. sometimes they do. most times they don't. i recognize that, and thus become dr. phil to everyone around me when i'm drunk. there was a couple who got in a fight a couple nights ago at thirsty thursday, and i remember clearly that although i did not possess the motor skills to even make it halfway across the room without the help of two beefy frat guys, it seemed the most important thing in the world to tell them not to throw away what they had. even though it was none of my business, even though i had no idea what they were fighting about, or why. because i figured out about six months ago that although i'm a loner, don't talk to people much, don't hang out with friends much, the best feeling in the world, the driving force behind my earthly existence, besides trying to be a Christian (which isn't working out very well), is to be in love with someone special, and i want that more than anything, and i want it now. i thought i had it. i really did. those two, three months we dated, i could've run 14:00 for a 5k and as happy as that would make me, it wouldn't be one-tenth of the joy i felt just to be around her. but i never showed it. she never knew. we got along so well. i can't help but wonder if that'll ever happen again. i went to lunch with a girl the other day. there was nothing wrong with her, she was gorgeous and intelligent and everything, but it made me so tired to have to sit through lunch with her and have to go through the whole process of getting to know someone again, what makes them tick, who they are. i don't want to have to do that anymore. my apostrophe key is stuck. and every girl i've been with ever since then, i'm constantly comparing them to her, and none of them will ever be good enough.
i'm sorry. i'm so honestly, terribly sorry. i've disappointed you all.
if i had had a gun, or even a fairly sharp knife, i would have killed myself last night without thinking twice.
i'm not even half-kidding. that's not intended to be a shocking statement, or a cry for help, or a plea for attention, or any of that silly emo crap. just a true statement. a stark observation. she said she never wants to see me again. she hates me now. i don't know if she means that, or if it'll happen. i don't even remember what i said to make her say that. i do remember her slapping me in the face. hard. more than once. and all i could do was sob like an idiot and tell her what she already knows and highly doubts, that i love her and would die for her again and again and again. she thinks i want to hurt her, and the reality is that that couldn't be further from the truth. i'd much rather hurt myself, cut off my own thumb, stop running. she doesn't understand that. or believe it. she doesn't really understand the fact that i just want to be able to talk to her about anything, and that i want her to be able to do the same, either. she thinks i want her just to have sex with her, which was probably true for the first month after we broke up, or that i still want to be with her, which was true for the last couple months, but no. i don't want to be with her anymore. i really, truly don't. but it still rips me apart that she doesn't care about me much or at all anymore.
i sometimes think my perceptions are clearest when i'm trashed out of my mind. physically, i may look like a freaked-out wreck on the floor, but the thoughts whizzing through my mind are just monumental epiphanies, one after another after another. relationships can screw themselves up so quickly, and get worse and worse, like rolling snowballs that never stop. sometimes they do. most times they don't. i recognize that, and thus become dr. phil to everyone around me when i'm drunk. there was a couple who got in a fight a couple nights ago at thirsty thursday, and i remember clearly that although i did not possess the motor skills to even make it halfway across the room without the help of two beefy frat guys, it seemed the most important thing in the world to tell them not to throw away what they had. even though it was none of my business, even though i had no idea what they were fighting about, or why. because i figured out about six months ago that although i'm a loner, don't talk to people much, don't hang out with friends much, the best feeling in the world, the driving force behind my earthly existence, besides trying to be a Christian (which isn't working out very well), is to be in love with someone special, and i want that more than anything, and i want it now. i thought i had it. i really did. those two, three months we dated, i could've run 14:00 for a 5k and as happy as that would make me, it wouldn't be one-tenth of the joy i felt just to be around her. but i never showed it. she never knew. we got along so well. i can't help but wonder if that'll ever happen again. i went to lunch with a girl the other day. there was nothing wrong with her, she was gorgeous and intelligent and everything, but it made me so tired to have to sit through lunch with her and have to go through the whole process of getting to know someone again, what makes them tick, who they are. i don't want to have to do that anymore. my apostrophe key is stuck. and every girl i've been with ever since then, i'm constantly comparing them to her, and none of them will ever be good enough.
i'm sorry. i'm so honestly, terribly sorry. i've disappointed you all.