I really like my new journal...I like how I used a Californian skyline...someday...I'm gonna play in the San Diego Symphony Orchestra...and I'm gonna play for the movies....*sigh* Wishful thinking....
sonya... today there was a memorial concert for you. you probably know that already. meh. anyway... i was amazed at how passionate these people were about the french horn... just like you were. and probably still are. but it made me think about you again. not that i don't like to think about you... but i'm just not at the point where i'm completely comfortable with accepting it yet. but anyway, here i am. i've been a lot happier this year. actually, i've been happier than i can ever remember being. and like i've said... i owe that to you. i've also been a lot nicer to people, a lot more compassionate... i'm never going to let what happenned happen again. i promise. but i think you'd be proud of the person i'm becoming. i really do. i hope so, anyway. i've gotten a lot more confident, too. thanks for all that. i'm in the process of choosing a college... i know you were in favor of columbia for me, and that's kind of what i'm leaning towards right now. i just don't know. we won our band competition yesterday! we're pretty good this year. of course, mr swaar had to beg trumpets to play the mellophone, but that's expected. i'm going back to mellophone for pep band and french horn for concert band. i'm gonna work really hard. i have some pretty big shoes to fill... haha... as if i would ever come close to even filling them! i miss not being able to talk about the things that i could talk about with you, sonya. and i miss not having anyone to "warm" my back, and i miss calling you during your music lessons because i ALWAYS forgot when they were. sometimes i imagine that at any minute you'll walk up to me, and i'll hug you, and all this would be a dream. a nightmare, maybe. i just don't understand how this happenned. never did i blame God or question His existence, which is something that i might have done in a different situation. it actually brought me closer to Him. but i'll never know why He did this to us. and i'm not sure i'll ever be able to forgive Him for that. and i hate that about myself. please help me, sonya. be with me, and let me know you're there... please. sometimes i look back on my last comment to you, hoping that my some miracle, you'll have commented back. i guess they don't have internet hookups to here up in Heaven... heh. i'm not dumb and i'm not trying to think unrealistically. i just want you here. i want to know... everything. please. you've never let me down before... please let me know that i can still count on you. please.
i've been a lot happier this year. actually, i've been happier than i can ever remember being. and like i've said... i owe that to you. i've also been a lot nicer to people, a lot more compassionate... i'm never going to let what happenned happen again. i promise. but i think you'd be proud of the person i'm becoming. i really do. i hope so, anyway. i've gotten a lot more confident, too. thanks for all that.
i'm in the process of choosing a college... i know you were in favor of columbia for me, and that's kind of what i'm leaning towards right now. i just don't know.
we won our band competition yesterday! we're pretty good this year. of course, mr swaar had to beg trumpets to play the mellophone, but that's expected. i'm going back to mellophone for pep band and french horn for concert band. i'm gonna work really hard. i have some pretty big shoes to fill... haha... as if i would ever come close to even filling them!
i miss not being able to talk about the things that i could talk about with you, sonya. and i miss not having anyone to "warm" my back, and i miss calling you during your music lessons because i ALWAYS forgot when they were. sometimes i imagine that at any minute you'll walk up to me, and i'll hug you, and all this would be a dream. a nightmare, maybe. i just don't understand how this happenned. never did i blame God or question His existence, which is something that i might have done in a different situation. it actually brought me closer to Him. but i'll never know why He did this to us. and i'm not sure i'll ever be able to forgive Him for that. and i hate that about myself. please help me, sonya. be with me, and let me know you're there... please. sometimes i look back on my last comment to you, hoping that my some miracle, you'll have commented back. i guess they don't have internet hookups to here up in Heaven... heh. i'm not dumb and i'm not trying to think unrealistically. i just want you here. i want to know... everything. please. you've never let me down before... please let me know that i can still count on you. please.
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