I really like my new journal...I like how I used a Californian skyline...someday...I'm gonna play in the San Diego Symphony Orchestra...and I'm gonna play for the movies....*sigh* Wishful thinking....
Sonya. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but I've been avoiding it. I don't know why. This seemed like a good entry to do it in because it's not recent so people won't read it most likely, no one else has commented, and the content is just... wow. I don't really know what I have to say. There were just so many things that were left unanswered when you left. And like I said, I have wanted to talk to you for a long time. sometimes i call your phone, sometimes i instant message you on your phone. But tonight something happened. I don't know what it was, but i knew i had to do this. it was while we were in bloomington for my birthday dinner... it's my birthday tomorrow... i think you knew that. but anyway, i was there, and while we were waiting i went to barnes and noble because it's next door to olive garden. on the way back, i wanted to start running. but i thought i would look dumb. but i also wanted to not care what people thought. and i used to tell you not to care about that, but i couldn't help it. and i needed you to tell me. so here i am. i've been thinking about you a lot lately. when a little time had passed after your death, it was easy for me to talk about you. i always talked about things you did, or i'd tease you as if you were right there. i guess it was my way of dealing with it. but lately, i've just been thinking about you. not in a sad way. just in a misunderstood way. like, i don't know whether or not you're going to read this. or whether or not you know the things i've been asking God to tell you in my prayers. I just don't understand how things like that work in Heaven or whatever. But either way, I like to think that you will. and with that hope, i have to apologize. with any situation like this there will be regret, but this time it's different. i don't know whether or not you know what i'm talking about, but God definitely does. and i'm sorry to both of you. and mostly i'm sorry that had you not died, i probably wouldn't have been sorry for it. but i do thank God for the fact that we grew so much closer that week before the accident... i know that wasn't by chance. and i also know that there are so many others who miss you just as much as i do. you influenced so many lives, sonya. but no one will ever know how hard it was for me to play your french horn part. it was probably the most difficult thing i'll ever have to do. i didn't even go to band for a while, did you know that? i didn't want to sit alone. and play your part. remember when i said i wanted the band junior mvp award? i got it. and i love that, because i know you helped me through it... you were there, guiding me through your part that i was playing.
i don't know how to wrap this up. sonya... you changed my life. and i don't mean because you left a lasting impression on me or whatever. i mean, you did. but that's not what it is. i don't know if i can explain it, but... i'm a different person now. you knew what i was going through. but after that, i just didn't care. i was alive. why was i complaining? i still had all these chances at my dreams, and you had so many dreams, but you never got the chance! or maybe you did. in fact, i'm sure you did.
"God, give me hills to climb, and strength for climbing." I gave you this quote a while back to help you out, but i think it applies to this situation more than anything. I don't understand why God made you one of the hills that i have to climb, and i don't think i ever will. but i do know that He will give me the strength i need. and you may not know it, but you will be giving me strength my entire life. i mean it. i love you, sonya. and i will see you again.
i don't know how to wrap this up. sonya... you changed my life. and i don't mean because you left a lasting impression on me or whatever. i mean, you did. but that's not what it is. i don't know if i can explain it, but... i'm a different person now. you knew what i was going through. but after that, i just didn't care. i was alive. why was i complaining? i still had all these chances at my dreams, and you had so many dreams, but you never got the chance! or maybe you did. in fact, i'm sure you did.
"God, give me hills to climb, and strength for climbing." I gave you this quote a while back to help you out, but i think it applies to this situation more than anything. I don't understand why God made you one of the hills that i have to climb, and i don't think i ever will. but i do know that He will give me the strength i need. and you may not know it, but you will be giving me strength my entire life. i mean it. i love you, sonya. and i will see you again.
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