It's going to take a long time

[jesuslivesnigga]

for me to be able to trust again.

"I *promise promise promise promise* that I'm not going to flip flop on
this. I'm just not. I can't even describe with words how incredibly
determined I feel to work through this. If we ever break up, it will
be a long time from now, after I have become more independent, and we
get to finally have an objective view on how we are together when we
both have space, and have our own normal lives, and if we mutually
decide that it isn't right."

Why would I believe that?
I'm fucking stupid. That's why.

The only boyfriend I was ever able to trust completely was Alex. I miss that so much. I miss being so sure of being able to be ok no matter what.

So now, I'm going to be single for a while. I'm going to hang out with friends, do well in school, party as much as I can.
I feel really good about my new life that is coming up.

I have an awesome school schedule, will hopefully have a new job on campus, will have a house with Kelly and Benny, will make a lot of new friends and have a real college life.

I want to worry about what I'm going to be wearing to a party on Friday- NOT what's going to happen between me and this guy if I'm not absolutely perfect.

I feel better already.
I'm really glad I'm a coward sometimes. Kari knows.