Light in the dark as I search for the resolution.
All I've been doing tonight is watching Rescue Me. I put off doing schoolwork, even though I know I should. I can do it tomorrow while I'm on lunch break at work. I need to clean my room before Friday.
I've come to the conclusion that giving up seems easiest. I faltered tonight, I missed that feeling, missed feeling warm with my best friend next to me. Sometimes I wonder when that will fade. Sometimes I wonder if I really have a best friend. I can't fight to make someone who doesn't want me magically want me. I can't change the person I am. I really just want to be happy, that's all I want. I want to start over, but I can't. How do I even start new with a friendship when all of the old feelings are there? The "I want to see you, because I've had a bad day and you make me smile." The anger, it can quickly come back.
I want to be done with school. I need to start devoting my nights to studying more often, no more missed classes after tonight. I need to start budgeting my money better. I want to go to the gym more often, sometimes it's just really hard to.
I want to sit in bed and talk, I want to talk about the last 5 months, talk about thoughts and hopes and dreams, talk about all of the things that didn't get talked about often enough. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to remember when things were good. Why is it so easy for me to simultaneously love and hate someone?
I can't keep waiting on phone calls or texts or IMs. I've talked and been honest until I was blue in the face and it never got me anywhere. There's my official resignation from trying to mend pieces of my life.
I keep thinking I'm leaving in January and then have to remind myself that I'm not. I'm just taking things as they come from here on out, but I'm not faking how I feel anymore, nor am I trying as hard as I've tried for the last 6 years. An hour of crying and swearing and talking about how angry I am at Matt, myself, and life changed things a bit. I should've learned with him, I didn't, maybe now I finally am. Maybe. In other, unrelated, but shitty news, I got my arm twisted behind my back a few weeks ago - my shoulder hasn't really stopped hurting since. At least this pain is familiar.
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