Clearheaded and Counting, Day 7 and I move on...
So it has now been 7 days since I had my last drop of alcohol and I feel strong. I had my probation meeting and it went well. I may be getting evicted from my trailer, that I would not be happy with, but I really hate living here in Park Place. I only wished that I could find a good roommate or someone I already know from work would be willing to get a place together. I would like classier digs. But this place needs some major work before I could even consider that.
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My foot is slowly healing up from my scooter accident. I considered taking a short leave of absence from work to try and let it heal, but I figure that I might as well keep pushing on and try to make the best of things. I make good money and I need to be earning it. It is about time for all of my bills to start showing up in my mailbox again, and the bank account is already running a bit low.
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Life is really kind of boring. I go to work, come home and read and eat and do homework. So mundane and pointless but I find that my unclouded thoughts are slowly, agonizingly so, regaining focus on what I am here for in the first place. I am regaining my appetite back and I can sleep at night when I am tired. I find myself thanking God for sobriety each day. This is much more different then when I went to rehab back in January. This feels real, it feels good. I feel good, with no worries. Am I still lying to myself about those feelings? No. I just don't remember what they are like so I know that they are real.
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I know I will never be able to gain back the people I drove away. Friends that really mattered to me, Justin Gibson, Victoria Miller, Jessica Cregger, Laura Smith, Jessica Smith, Jeremy Walker, Lee Bolton, Megan Haner, Melanie Johnson, Maria Ortez, Kiley Gold, Jessica Earley...and I could keep listing, those that tried to be here for me and those that encountered the full anger and stupidity of my words. I can understand that, although it makes me sad. I would have ran as well. A few of those people are still my friends but things will never be the same with them. I just cannot bring myself to look them in the eye for the shame that I feel. I miss Jessica Cregger, what a wonderful friend she was, so fun to talk to, so fun to laugh with and I will never forget Music Appreciation. Someday...and I cannot forget Star Catalazino...my little Missouri Star, or Francesca Straw...those that stood with me for years...and eventually the demon in me got what it wanted; absolute isolation. So I am sorry guys and girls. I am. Shanda in Michigan...Literati Queen forever and I hope that your baby girl turns out as stunning as you are.
All of this reminds me of a line from a Jimmy Eat World song...
"May angels lead you in."
It sums it all up. I have to tell everyone that listened to me and heard me out, the countless and nameless now years past...I will try to never forget you and someday, I will make it up.
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We all live to dream.
~~~~~~~~~~
My foot is slowly healing up from my scooter accident. I considered taking a short leave of absence from work to try and let it heal, but I figure that I might as well keep pushing on and try to make the best of things. I make good money and I need to be earning it. It is about time for all of my bills to start showing up in my mailbox again, and the bank account is already running a bit low.
~~~~~~~~~~
Life is really kind of boring. I go to work, come home and read and eat and do homework. So mundane and pointless but I find that my unclouded thoughts are slowly, agonizingly so, regaining focus on what I am here for in the first place. I am regaining my appetite back and I can sleep at night when I am tired. I find myself thanking God for sobriety each day. This is much more different then when I went to rehab back in January. This feels real, it feels good. I feel good, with no worries. Am I still lying to myself about those feelings? No. I just don't remember what they are like so I know that they are real.
~~~~~~~~~~
I know I will never be able to gain back the people I drove away. Friends that really mattered to me, Justin Gibson, Victoria Miller, Jessica Cregger, Laura Smith, Jessica Smith, Jeremy Walker, Lee Bolton, Megan Haner, Melanie Johnson, Maria Ortez, Kiley Gold, Jessica Earley...and I could keep listing, those that tried to be here for me and those that encountered the full anger and stupidity of my words. I can understand that, although it makes me sad. I would have ran as well. A few of those people are still my friends but things will never be the same with them. I just cannot bring myself to look them in the eye for the shame that I feel. I miss Jessica Cregger, what a wonderful friend she was, so fun to talk to, so fun to laugh with and I will never forget Music Appreciation. Someday...and I cannot forget Star Catalazino...my little Missouri Star, or Francesca Straw...those that stood with me for years...and eventually the demon in me got what it wanted; absolute isolation. So I am sorry guys and girls. I am. Shanda in Michigan...Literati Queen forever and I hope that your baby girl turns out as stunning as you are.
All of this reminds me of a line from a Jimmy Eat World song...
"May angels lead you in."
It sums it all up. I have to tell everyone that listened to me and heard me out, the countless and nameless now years past...I will try to never forget you and someday, I will make it up.
~~~~~~~~~~
We all live to dream.