(no subject)

[jesusishardcore]

today was the first time since everything happened that i finally knew what it felt like not to have a bestfriend. i let something that was said in light get me down. i know the comment was in jest, atleast i hope it was, but i took it the wrong way and started to feel sorry for myself. i left and drove around for quite some time. i listened to angry music and got my frustrations out. it makes me sad that i dont have a person that i feel i can tell anything and everything to. someone that knows who i am already and what im like. but ive had to start new friendships and learn new faces. this is not an easy task. but ive got an attitude that if these people started to hate me also that i wouldnt care one bit. because i know one day that i will find new people and new things to experience. my heart has hardened alot these past few months. the message that the pastor gave this morning was directed towards me. without people i am and cannot be anything. its takes people to be able to love and care. it take people to build a community. the people have been provided to me but i feel like im not doing anything with it. maybe it just takes longer than i want it to. either way, i hope im changing. i dont want to let my heart harden so much that i scare everyone away. i dont want to be known as that guy that used to be fun to hang around. but i know there are already those select few that already think that. but i could care less what they think. theyve shown me what they are really like and who they are. and i honestly dont want any part of it. i want to start fresh and new with new people and new relationships. new feelings and new memories. i need a lifestyle change. and a change of heart.

[you] - it was not your fault that my mood dropped into the depths of hell. ive honestly had the best time with you these past few weeks. its been awhile since ive felt comfortable with anyone. thank you for that.