(no subject)
this is from my xanga because it is 11:43 at night and so i am too lazy to re-write something...so here you go...hope you like it! :}
yesterday i went out to lunch with amy and jon and of course arron and hannah! after that i went to amy's house where she nannies and we played with the kids...well no....i took a rest and the kids watched poppie and then we had a dance party when i woke up and then when the mom came home amy and i went over to willys at the mall of georgia and that was good...then we saw this group of kids singing in that place in the park where people perform and what not...and so we watched them and they had a live nativity and the oldest kids might have been like...9yrs old...but there were only 4 of them...the rest were 6 or 7 and below and they were just so cute screaming their lungs out about how awesome God is!! and i was like!! this is so awesome!! and so then they sing Lord I lift Your Name on high! and amy and I started to do the motions and dance and act like the little kids and it was great!!! even though it was freazing I had an awesome time!!! and i got to talk to one of the little girls that was singing and tell her what an awesome job they did...well comes to find out that they are from Macon Ga and so ya....then we come home....but the thing is what i learned....
i learned that i used to be one of those kids...i used to sing so loud about how great God is and not care who knew it...I was crazy....and i loved it! i would never listen to any bad music...by bad i mean non-Christian lyrics....and i would never watch any movies that had sex in them or even hinted at it...or anything like that....and then as i got older....i started to listen to music that wasn't very Christian like...and i started watching movies even though there might have been a sex scene or something to that extent...and then i got used to that and so then i wouldn't even feel bad...where as if i did watch them before i felt so bad and was mad at myself for watching that movie or listening to that song....and i don't know what happened....as i got used to these things...my relationship with God got all messed up...i used to be addicted to God and always...like ALWAYS wanted to be with Him and talk about Him and or talk to Him!! and then i started to not do my quiet time...and started to laugh at bad jokes....and other stuff...just lowering my standards...and i felt bad....and then i lost some of my Christian friends that would keep me accountable...well they weren't there any more...so i didn't have someone helping me and keeping me on track....and so then i got mad at God because I waited so long for those friends and He took them away from me....and so then i really didn't do my quiet time...and if i read the Bible...they would just be words on a page...they didn't mean a lot to me like they used to...i knew all the right answers to say...and when to say them and what to say around certain people and so on....and it was bad....i didn't get anything out of church and i was mad and i i i....and then i realized...i had been thinking about me me me...and that was all! when i went to jamaica the first time i was all about God and how i could serve Him...and i could do that because i didn't really have any friends before that...i didn't know any one....but then this second time that i went...i knew people that went and i was focused on me and how i would do in the play and who i would meet and who i would make friends with and me me me....in the back of my head...ya i knew that i was there for GOD...NOT ME!!! my heart wasn't into it....like even before we left i wrote in my journal many times that i wasn't ready i didn't really "feel God" but i knew that He wanted me to go...if that makes any sence....and so i went...and i thought that some how majicly everything would turn out ok....and so we got there and ya i felt God but not until like the 2nd day we were there...it felt more of a vacation then a mission trip...and then i thank God for this...i woke up and I realized that it was about God and not me...and then my heart was in the right place....we get home and i am all excited...and excited about school and what not and how God was going to be glorified...but then it went down hill and i got selfish and turned inword at me and me me me...and it was stupid because hello! i am not here for me! nope...i am not!!! I am not but i know I AM...God....Jesus.... and that is why I am here....I am here for His glory...and i have to always remind myself of that because it is so easy to think that it is all about me....it is....but i have to realize that it is not about me...it is about God....
I guess why I just wrote that was to let you know a little about what I am going through and I don't know...I needed to get my thoughts out there...my feelings....and that's another thing I have learned through this process of life...it is not about feelings....i would always say "oh i don't FEEL like God is here" or "I can FEEL God here" and I know you can feel God's presence but when you can't feel Him...He is still there! and that was hard for me to realize....you should have faith not just feeling....you can feel a lot of stuff but if you don't have faith and realize that even if you couldn't feel Him, He would still be there, is still there....
I think that is all for now I guess.....
Thank you for reading...I know it was long and probably no one got this far...but if you did...thank you for taking up so much of your time to read my thoughts! :}
yesterday i went out to lunch with amy and jon and of course arron and hannah! after that i went to amy's house where she nannies and we played with the kids...well no....i took a rest and the kids watched poppie and then we had a dance party when i woke up and then when the mom came home amy and i went over to willys at the mall of georgia and that was good...then we saw this group of kids singing in that place in the park where people perform and what not...and so we watched them and they had a live nativity and the oldest kids might have been like...9yrs old...but there were only 4 of them...the rest were 6 or 7 and below and they were just so cute screaming their lungs out about how awesome God is!! and i was like!! this is so awesome!! and so then they sing Lord I lift Your Name on high! and amy and I started to do the motions and dance and act like the little kids and it was great!!! even though it was freazing I had an awesome time!!! and i got to talk to one of the little girls that was singing and tell her what an awesome job they did...well comes to find out that they are from Macon Ga and so ya....then we come home....but the thing is what i learned....
i learned that i used to be one of those kids...i used to sing so loud about how great God is and not care who knew it...I was crazy....and i loved it! i would never listen to any bad music...by bad i mean non-Christian lyrics....and i would never watch any movies that had sex in them or even hinted at it...or anything like that....and then as i got older....i started to listen to music that wasn't very Christian like...and i started watching movies even though there might have been a sex scene or something to that extent...and then i got used to that and so then i wouldn't even feel bad...where as if i did watch them before i felt so bad and was mad at myself for watching that movie or listening to that song....and i don't know what happened....as i got used to these things...my relationship with God got all messed up...i used to be addicted to God and always...like ALWAYS wanted to be with Him and talk about Him and or talk to Him!! and then i started to not do my quiet time...and started to laugh at bad jokes....and other stuff...just lowering my standards...and i felt bad....and then i lost some of my Christian friends that would keep me accountable...well they weren't there any more...so i didn't have someone helping me and keeping me on track....and so then i got mad at God because I waited so long for those friends and He took them away from me....and so then i really didn't do my quiet time...and if i read the Bible...they would just be words on a page...they didn't mean a lot to me like they used to...i knew all the right answers to say...and when to say them and what to say around certain people and so on....and it was bad....i didn't get anything out of church and i was mad and i i i....and then i realized...i had been thinking about me me me...and that was all! when i went to jamaica the first time i was all about God and how i could serve Him...and i could do that because i didn't really have any friends before that...i didn't know any one....but then this second time that i went...i knew people that went and i was focused on me and how i would do in the play and who i would meet and who i would make friends with and me me me....in the back of my head...ya i knew that i was there for GOD...NOT ME!!! my heart wasn't into it....like even before we left i wrote in my journal many times that i wasn't ready i didn't really "feel God" but i knew that He wanted me to go...if that makes any sence....and so i went...and i thought that some how majicly everything would turn out ok....and so we got there and ya i felt God but not until like the 2nd day we were there...it felt more of a vacation then a mission trip...and then i thank God for this...i woke up and I realized that it was about God and not me...and then my heart was in the right place....we get home and i am all excited...and excited about school and what not and how God was going to be glorified...but then it went down hill and i got selfish and turned inword at me and me me me...and it was stupid because hello! i am not here for me! nope...i am not!!! I am not but i know I AM...God....Jesus.... and that is why I am here....I am here for His glory...and i have to always remind myself of that because it is so easy to think that it is all about me....it is....but i have to realize that it is not about me...it is about God....
I guess why I just wrote that was to let you know a little about what I am going through and I don't know...I needed to get my thoughts out there...my feelings....and that's another thing I have learned through this process of life...it is not about feelings....i would always say "oh i don't FEEL like God is here" or "I can FEEL God here" and I know you can feel God's presence but when you can't feel Him...He is still there! and that was hard for me to realize....you should have faith not just feeling....you can feel a lot of stuff but if you don't have faith and realize that even if you couldn't feel Him, He would still be there, is still there....
I think that is all for now I guess.....
Thank you for reading...I know it was long and probably no one got this far...but if you did...thank you for taking up so much of your time to read my thoughts! :}