The Battle.
Its been a while since ive been on here to update, and in all honesty, its because i havent had any time! So since its snowing and im stuck at my house, here we go.
[in writing this i realize that its a little personal, you may chose to read the entire way or not, in a way the words that follow is kind of a window into my soul. These are not things that I have shared with a lot of people, even lately with my Masters family, few people know. So If you read the entire way through, I hope you enjoy looking into the brain of Dene' for a little bit. Even if it is painful at times.]
Masters Commission has to be the best decision i have ever made in my life. I have changed more than I can possibly imagine, and the awesome part is that God is still working on me.
My internal battles are no longer life controlling issues, but the sources behind them. I cannot begin to tell you the breakthroughs ive had only in the last week. And even though I am still fighting my battles, I know that because of God, I am already victorious. That in itself comforts me, even if only a little.
Those who have been around me know how bipolar ive been lately. Thank you to my Masters family for being understanding. Waging a war against an enemy that has always been victorious because of my refusal to even fight before, never goes over well. lol
I can laugh about it right now only because i am not crying at the moment. Thats how bipolar this battle has made me.
I guess I should talk about what exactly the battle is, otherwise to most of you this is nonsense and you will prob stop reading. If you have made it this far... well I guess it shows you who really cares.
ANYWAYS - THE BATTLE.
Its no secret that ive never been the most confident person in the world. Insecurity has been a constant companion to me. It wasnt until just a week ago that I finally vocalized, not only to myself but my director and entire first year class, the issue behind my issues.
I hate myself.
And no I dont mean, dislike.
I have a true HATE for myself.
It took a long time to get to this point, but I honestly cant ever remember a time that ive actually liked myself. I dont like how i look. I dont like how I act. I dont like the things i say or do. Alot of times i feel that I annoy people. Only because in my childhood I always would get that feedback from my "friends"
I was never quite liked.
So I learned to never quite like myself.
I didnt want to be me.
I didnt like the Dene' in the mirror.
And it effects my every thought.
Therefor affecting my life.
Now this may seem silly to some people, i mean everyone has security issues right?
Well no matter what you think, this is huge for me. When I had finally said the words, finally admitted the issue behind my issues, the tears poured out and have yet to stop, although ive had a few breathers here and there.
So why is it now becoming a war? Because I want to change it. I dont want to hate myself. You cant imagine how draining it is, to constantly hate yourself.
Its also a battle because I dont have a life controlling issue to attach to it or hide behind. Ive had alot of outlets through my life, the cutting, the guys [its a lot deeper and nastier than you think you know], etc.
But here I have no outlet. I have no escape. So everyday is a constant battle with myself, with the enemy, and with God. Im stuck with the raw emotions.
Fighting with God for healing, fighting with myself to even want the healing, and fighting an enemy who wants control of my thoughts.
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5
Briana [a 3rd year student here] suggested I find the source of it. To figure out and journal when exactly I started hating myself. And to start from there.
So when did this self hatred really start?
Maybe I should start now and go backwards.
Rejection from guys.
Abandoned by friends.
Abusive relationship.
Hated by my brother.
Always being the fat friend in the group.
Rejection from someone i loved.
Realizing that plain Dene' wasnt enough.
Being just the friend.
The teasing through high school
Not being good enough.
The teasing through middle school because of weigh [the nickname given to me by a group of guys in the school, which was said to my face on a daily basis aka Dene' The Notorious P.I.G.]
Rejection by guys.
Being just the friend.
Unliked in Elementary school.
Monique was born.
And then the light bulb goes off in my head.
My earliest childhood memories are of going to see Monique right after she was born, and the weeks just prior to that.
I really liked Monique at first, she was cute and all the other things that babies are. But my like for Monique turned slowly into a burning hatred for her. Why? Because in my eyes, she was daddy's new favorite.
Micah wasnt much of a threat to my relationship with my parents. He was a boy and I was a girl. We were different in our parents eyes because of that.
But Monique was a girl, just like me.
My territory had been threatened. And I did not like it.
My parents paraded her in front of clients because she was so cute [not gonna lie she was]
At church everyone goo-gooed and gaga-ed over her.
And I absolutely hated her for it.
And I hated myself for not being good enough to even compete.
And there it is.
But [wow this makes me love how Gods timing is perfect] last night I read [and finished] a book called The Shack by WM. Paul Young
I cried almost the entire content of this book.
But there is one thing right at this moment that sticks out from the book.
The main character Mack was being forced to judge God, because he felt that God favored some and allowed horrible things to happen to others. So God asked him about his own children and asked him to chose a favorite. This is what he said.
"I don't love any one of them more than any of the others. I love each of them differently," he said, choosing his words carefully.
"Well, each one of my children is unique. And that uniqueness and special personhood calls out a unique response from me." Mack settled back into his chair. "I remember after Jon, my first, was born. I was so captivated by the wonder of who this little life was that I actually worried about whether I would have anything left to love a second child with. But when Tyler came along, it was as if he brought with him a special gift for me, a whole new capacity to love him specially. Come to think of it, it's like when Papa [God] says he is especially fond of someone. When I think of each of my children individually, I find that I am especially fond of each one."
- The Shack
So maybe I was wrong in assuming that my parents favored her I as a child. In all actuality I was wrong. But the enemy took my wrong assumptions, and turned them on me. He twisted them into something evil and destructive. And now here I am, 21 years old, dealing with the lies I have been told for many years.
So how do I fight against something so destructive and deep rooted into who I am.
If i really think about it. Dene' = Insecurity, because thats what I have always been. So who or what would I be without the Insecurity and the constant torment of my mind.
Who am I in Christ?
Because this Insecurity that Ive always had, is NOT of Christ.
Who am I in Christ?
This is my battle
[in writing this i realize that its a little personal, you may chose to read the entire way or not, in a way the words that follow is kind of a window into my soul. These are not things that I have shared with a lot of people, even lately with my Masters family, few people know. So If you read the entire way through, I hope you enjoy looking into the brain of Dene' for a little bit. Even if it is painful at times.]
Masters Commission has to be the best decision i have ever made in my life. I have changed more than I can possibly imagine, and the awesome part is that God is still working on me.
My internal battles are no longer life controlling issues, but the sources behind them. I cannot begin to tell you the breakthroughs ive had only in the last week. And even though I am still fighting my battles, I know that because of God, I am already victorious. That in itself comforts me, even if only a little.
Those who have been around me know how bipolar ive been lately. Thank you to my Masters family for being understanding. Waging a war against an enemy that has always been victorious because of my refusal to even fight before, never goes over well. lol
I can laugh about it right now only because i am not crying at the moment. Thats how bipolar this battle has made me.
I guess I should talk about what exactly the battle is, otherwise to most of you this is nonsense and you will prob stop reading. If you have made it this far... well I guess it shows you who really cares.
ANYWAYS - THE BATTLE.
Its no secret that ive never been the most confident person in the world. Insecurity has been a constant companion to me. It wasnt until just a week ago that I finally vocalized, not only to myself but my director and entire first year class, the issue behind my issues.
I hate myself.
And no I dont mean, dislike.
I have a true HATE for myself.
It took a long time to get to this point, but I honestly cant ever remember a time that ive actually liked myself. I dont like how i look. I dont like how I act. I dont like the things i say or do. Alot of times i feel that I annoy people. Only because in my childhood I always would get that feedback from my "friends"
I was never quite liked.
So I learned to never quite like myself.
I didnt want to be me.
I didnt like the Dene' in the mirror.
And it effects my every thought.
Therefor affecting my life.
Now this may seem silly to some people, i mean everyone has security issues right?
Well no matter what you think, this is huge for me. When I had finally said the words, finally admitted the issue behind my issues, the tears poured out and have yet to stop, although ive had a few breathers here and there.
So why is it now becoming a war? Because I want to change it. I dont want to hate myself. You cant imagine how draining it is, to constantly hate yourself.
Its also a battle because I dont have a life controlling issue to attach to it or hide behind. Ive had alot of outlets through my life, the cutting, the guys [its a lot deeper and nastier than you think you know], etc.
But here I have no outlet. I have no escape. So everyday is a constant battle with myself, with the enemy, and with God. Im stuck with the raw emotions.
Fighting with God for healing, fighting with myself to even want the healing, and fighting an enemy who wants control of my thoughts.
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5
Briana [a 3rd year student here] suggested I find the source of it. To figure out and journal when exactly I started hating myself. And to start from there.
So when did this self hatred really start?
Maybe I should start now and go backwards.
Rejection from guys.
Abandoned by friends.
Abusive relationship.
Hated by my brother.
Always being the fat friend in the group.
Rejection from someone i loved.
Realizing that plain Dene' wasnt enough.
Being just the friend.
The teasing through high school
Not being good enough.
The teasing through middle school because of weigh [the nickname given to me by a group of guys in the school, which was said to my face on a daily basis aka Dene' The Notorious P.I.G.]
Rejection by guys.
Being just the friend.
Unliked in Elementary school.
Monique was born.
And then the light bulb goes off in my head.
My earliest childhood memories are of going to see Monique right after she was born, and the weeks just prior to that.
I really liked Monique at first, she was cute and all the other things that babies are. But my like for Monique turned slowly into a burning hatred for her. Why? Because in my eyes, she was daddy's new favorite.
Micah wasnt much of a threat to my relationship with my parents. He was a boy and I was a girl. We were different in our parents eyes because of that.
But Monique was a girl, just like me.
My territory had been threatened. And I did not like it.
My parents paraded her in front of clients because she was so cute [not gonna lie she was]
At church everyone goo-gooed and gaga-ed over her.
And I absolutely hated her for it.
And I hated myself for not being good enough to even compete.
And there it is.
But [wow this makes me love how Gods timing is perfect] last night I read [and finished] a book called The Shack by WM. Paul Young
I cried almost the entire content of this book.
But there is one thing right at this moment that sticks out from the book.
The main character Mack was being forced to judge God, because he felt that God favored some and allowed horrible things to happen to others. So God asked him about his own children and asked him to chose a favorite. This is what he said.
"I don't love any one of them more than any of the others. I love each of them differently," he said, choosing his words carefully.
"Well, each one of my children is unique. And that uniqueness and special personhood calls out a unique response from me." Mack settled back into his chair. "I remember after Jon, my first, was born. I was so captivated by the wonder of who this little life was that I actually worried about whether I would have anything left to love a second child with. But when Tyler came along, it was as if he brought with him a special gift for me, a whole new capacity to love him specially. Come to think of it, it's like when Papa [God] says he is especially fond of someone. When I think of each of my children individually, I find that I am especially fond of each one."
- The Shack
So maybe I was wrong in assuming that my parents favored her I as a child. In all actuality I was wrong. But the enemy took my wrong assumptions, and turned them on me. He twisted them into something evil and destructive. And now here I am, 21 years old, dealing with the lies I have been told for many years.
So how do I fight against something so destructive and deep rooted into who I am.
If i really think about it. Dene' = Insecurity, because thats what I have always been. So who or what would I be without the Insecurity and the constant torment of my mind.
Who am I in Christ?
Because this Insecurity that Ive always had, is NOT of Christ.
Who am I in Christ?
This is my battle