Things You Didn't Know
Hey, kiddies, it's ol' Scratch or the Devil if you will. J Dawg is on vacation right now so I figured I'd take over until he came back. I started wondering what would be interesting to talk about so I decided to fill you in on a few of the things that Jesus wouldn't want you to know about himself.
1. Jesus never listens to the music he says he does. He only likes that whiney emoe-rock crap. He's always listening to it and crying about skateboarding to the 7-11 and getting a slurpy.
First of, Jesus has no sense of balance what so ever. I tried to teach him to skateboard, but he kept crashing into curbs and lepers and stuff and falling off. I recommended he nail his feet to the board, but he stopped talking to me after that.
2. Yes Jesus could turn water into wine, but it was always that nasty MD 20-20 (Madd Dogg as I call it) crap. You know, that cheap stuff that costs $1.35 a bottle that you see homeless people buying with nickles and dimes. That's it. As I recall, he could only make one flavor too. I think it was that neon-pink strawberry-banana-kiwi stuff. Needless to say, he only pulled that stunt at a few times before he stopped getting invited to parties. Which leads us to our next interesting fact.
3. Jesus could never get laid. He wasn't celibant, he just couldn't. That's why they erased that whole part of the bible from when he first started hitting puberty till he was hanging out with the apostles. He didn't want anyone to know.
The apostles were losers too; they never got laid either. They were always too busy fishing or playing D&D to get with any girls. Even that ho Mary Magdalin that was following them around at the end wouldn't give any up to them.
4. Jesus WAS black. He's not anymore, but back in the day that boy was sporting an afro that would put coked up disco junkies from the 70's to shame.
He blames it on some skin condition, but that's what Micheal Jackson claims too.
5. And last but not least: Jesus loves it when people wear crosses. Especially ones were his limp corpse is dangling from them. It's not like he'd develop a phobia of crosses or anything like that. I mean, just because he was nailed to one and had an agonizing death on it doesn't mean that he wouldn't run screaming at the sight of a crucifix. So those of you who want to get into heaven, sport the biggest crosses ya got because he'll be happy to let you right on in through the pearly gates when you get there. Trust me.
p.s. Please excuse any any grammatical or spelling errors I've made, I might be the Prince of Darkness, but I'm not perfect.
1. Jesus never listens to the music he says he does. He only likes that whiney emoe-rock crap. He's always listening to it and crying about skateboarding to the 7-11 and getting a slurpy.
First of, Jesus has no sense of balance what so ever. I tried to teach him to skateboard, but he kept crashing into curbs and lepers and stuff and falling off. I recommended he nail his feet to the board, but he stopped talking to me after that.
2. Yes Jesus could turn water into wine, but it was always that nasty MD 20-20 (Madd Dogg as I call it) crap. You know, that cheap stuff that costs $1.35 a bottle that you see homeless people buying with nickles and dimes. That's it. As I recall, he could only make one flavor too. I think it was that neon-pink strawberry-banana-kiwi stuff. Needless to say, he only pulled that stunt at a few times before he stopped getting invited to parties. Which leads us to our next interesting fact.
3. Jesus could never get laid. He wasn't celibant, he just couldn't. That's why they erased that whole part of the bible from when he first started hitting puberty till he was hanging out with the apostles. He didn't want anyone to know.
The apostles were losers too; they never got laid either. They were always too busy fishing or playing D&D to get with any girls. Even that ho Mary Magdalin that was following them around at the end wouldn't give any up to them.
4. Jesus WAS black. He's not anymore, but back in the day that boy was sporting an afro that would put coked up disco junkies from the 70's to shame.
He blames it on some skin condition, but that's what Micheal Jackson claims too.
5. And last but not least: Jesus loves it when people wear crosses. Especially ones were his limp corpse is dangling from them. It's not like he'd develop a phobia of crosses or anything like that. I mean, just because he was nailed to one and had an agonizing death on it doesn't mean that he wouldn't run screaming at the sight of a crucifix. So those of you who want to get into heaven, sport the biggest crosses ya got because he'll be happy to let you right on in through the pearly gates when you get there. Trust me.
p.s. Please excuse any any grammatical or spelling errors I've made, I might be the Prince of Darkness, but I'm not perfect.