Here we go again
Frustration. I've managed to royally fuck myself over again. I'm not exactly sure how I did it this time, but I know I KNOW somehow it was my doing that drove him away. Or I was seeing something that wasn't there, I don't know. But all signs pointed towards YES not NO. GOOD, not BAD. His choice of words, his actions, his body language, the look in his eye. He had everyone thinking what I was thinking, I wasn't the only one hallucinating here. This is why I still feel like something is off. I see it,both of our best friends see it, strangers see it. So either he is really the world's most clueless, dense man, or maybe (shot in the dark here, seriously) he is interested and attracted to me still, but is in denial. Most likely it is the first answer to this mess. I should have been patient. I'm so paranoid. It's like...I know what I want, I know how to get it, but I do everything in my power to fuck it up. I expect it to go wrong, maybe because I don't feel worthy of such a good thing, I'm not quite sure. Anyways, if the situation shows any sign that it could possibly be worked in my favor, I freak out. I get paranoid. I SCREW IT UP. He is a genuinely worthwhile human being, and I got too excited about that. Time. Patience. PATIENCE. This is the lesson God has wanted me to learn from the beginning. PAAATIENCE! I suck at this. But maybe if I learn it, God will let me have a break? A genuinely worthwhile guy...unnattainable to me. Out of reach. Who am I supposed to end up with, God? The emaciated drug dealer? The pizza delivery boy with an I.Q. similar to my best friend's roommate? The business man that has no soul? Because if these are my only options, no thanks. I know, cut the melodramatics. But seriously, for whatever reason they are the only ones who want me, and I want nothing to do with them. I then get the chance to meet a great guy who somewhat gets me, and he wants to be lifelong friends, but wants nothing to do with me. I don't get it. I fucking hate it. I'm so frustrated.