i've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
i watched the mj memorial today. it was very moving, very heartbreaking, and yet, uplifting at the same time. it's strange to feel so strongly about someone i didn't even get the pleasure to meet. the landscape of my childhood is neslted deeply within michael's discography. his music is the soundtrack of my life. i don't speak to my sister anymore at all and i only talk with my brother every so often, but this music was what bound us together, what gave us joy. i have very clear memories of us dancing along to thriller and smooth criminal for hours until we got ourselves as close as we could get to perfection. i see us falling on our faces over and over again as we tried to lean forward the way michael does in smooth criminal, seeming to defy gravity. we all knew how to moonwalk and we were ready to defend mj's honour to anyone who challenged us. my childhood was a happy one but it's long over. losing him is like losing all of that all over again. i've listened to and loved michael jackson as far back as i can remember. thriller was the first music video i remember seeing. i was about three and my mom says i was enthralled and not afraid at all. i had a michael jackson doll for that christmas and cherished it until the son of a family friend (not to mention the bane of my young existence) ripped his head off. my entire childhood is tied up with this man and his legacy. i distinctly recall idolizing michael with the sharpness of a razor blade, which is perhaps the only way a child can idolize someone, because they only deal in the purest of absolutes. i didn't know michael, but i still feel i could sense important things about him: his innocence, his inherent goodness, his loneliness, and his torment. his effect on me is immeasurable. even i did not realize the depth of his influence on me until he was gone, which always seems to be the way it goes. i am proud to say that i really have been a devoted fan of his from the time i could hold a tune (badly) and try my hand (or feet) at dancing the way the zombies did in thriller. i am proud to say that i defended him if ever anyone had something cruel or nasty to say and happened to say it in my presence. i wish i could have seen him perform. i wish i could have had the opportunity to meet him and express my gratitude at all he had given me without realizing it. i wish he could have lived to perform again and continue giving what he had to give to the world. i've been an atheist for a slightly shorter amount of time than i've been an avid mj fan. i never remember believing in god in a way that was any different than the way i once believed in santa claus (i actually think i believed in santa longer than i did god) and i never remember wishing that i did believe in god, even during high school when those beliefs sometimes made me an outcast amongst my uber christian contemporaries. this has changed in the last week or so. i am not afraid of this life being the only life i have to experience and make the most of. i am not afraid of no heaven (or hell) awaiting me upon my death. i am, however, deeply troubled at the thought that michael jackson, this unparalleled genius and wealth of flashy, electric energy, could dim and disappear forever. it makes me hope that there is something more, something after, even though i don't believe there is. such a pointless, untimely end to someone so magical in his ability to create and to give; it leaves me feeling more desolate than i have in a long time. i don't understand the universe or the way it works. i do know that i loved this man truly.
rest in peace, michael.