now joining the ranks of the single
Breaking up is an interesting feeling. When separated through mostly good terms with just a bit of awkwardness and an expected misunderstanding lurking in the shadows, the heart-break tends to sit and stew, waiting for the opportune moment when it will hurt the most. Usually it comes at night, when the crazy distractions of the day have all settled down and darkness has taken over the light that kept such shadows at bay. Night is when one tends to feel the most vulnerable as the world becomes a different setting, as noises fade and suppressed thoughts bubble up to fill in the now empty space. Thoughts that were once random and usually transferred smoothly into nonsensical dreams are now lost but also set on one dreary and quite starkly painful topic, or in this case person.
This is a feeling I have never before dealt with. A mixture of sadness, anger, loneliness, indescribable loss, and a deep anguish that I have yet to fully understand. I have lost someone so very dear to me, and in a way that was both painfully abrupt but also agonizingly drawn out. Yes, I have been hurt in the past, been rejected and crushed and led on only to be pushed away and replaced by another, sometimes even used only to get closer to someone else. But this was so very different. This time I have been abandoned by a person who only a few weeks ago was a large part of my world, and for once I was a large part of his. For the first time my painful pattern of unrequited love was broken and suddenly I was wanted, I was watched, I was needed, I was his. And he, he was mine.
Some days I can go whole hours without thinking his name or remembering his touch, but others I find myself seeing him, seeing our memories together, in every corner I look. Some nights I'm able to concentrate on the soft surrounding noises and think only of the day to come, but on nights like tonight I can only lay still and let this sadness pass through, let the memories and desires flood me until I am finally lulled to sleep by nothing more than simple emotional exhaustion.
This is a feeling I have never before dealt with. A mixture of sadness, anger, loneliness, indescribable loss, and a deep anguish that I have yet to fully understand. I have lost someone so very dear to me, and in a way that was both painfully abrupt but also agonizingly drawn out. Yes, I have been hurt in the past, been rejected and crushed and led on only to be pushed away and replaced by another, sometimes even used only to get closer to someone else. But this was so very different. This time I have been abandoned by a person who only a few weeks ago was a large part of my world, and for once I was a large part of his. For the first time my painful pattern of unrequited love was broken and suddenly I was wanted, I was watched, I was needed, I was his. And he, he was mine.
Some days I can go whole hours without thinking his name or remembering his touch, but others I find myself seeing him, seeing our memories together, in every corner I look. Some nights I'm able to concentrate on the soft surrounding noises and think only of the day to come, but on nights like tonight I can only lay still and let this sadness pass through, let the memories and desires flood me until I am finally lulled to sleep by nothing more than simple emotional exhaustion.