all i want to do is cry.
Pent up inside are so many feelings. Shock, disappointment, fatigue, overwhelmed-ness, a sadness i can hardly explain or understand, a deep longing to not feel so alone in a life i shouldn't be feeling alone in. I want to cry. I need to cry. For all that keeps passing through my silly naive mind I should be bawling non-stop.
But no. That part of me somewhere within still refuses to give up its strength, its voracity, its will to survive, move on, conquer another day, another crush, another let down, then another day once more. This inner strength is also an unexplainable trait that I can never fully understand, but its there, always pushing me forward, far away from hurtful horrible memories that I should sit down and cope with and learn from. But instead I just shake them off and try, try again in a field where trying has done nothing for me for years and years.
None of this is making any sense. I'm not making any sense. My thoughts, what I believe to be my emotions, never make any sense and I don't know what to believe, what to allow myself to see, to think, and above all to feel.
My mind is askew, my heart feels unwhole, yet my head cannot cry. Why crying? You may ask. Because crying is such a perfect way of just letting it all out. After a good cry one feels so light and rejuvinated, as if yes, there is now a way to cope and move on and learn. Crying releases any and all locked in thoughts and emotions, everything comes out during a long bout of tears. Everything, at least for one second, can be resolved and then forgotten, leaving open pathways for a brighter day.
So why does my head refuse to release it all? All I want is to cry. It's my last hope, my last ditch idea and effort in hopes of releasing myself from this funk that appeared a while back and seems to have settled for the long run. Believe me, self-pity is not my thing, sadness is not something I look forward to or hope to prolong. But it's here. And now, I'll just wait and see if those tears will finally drop. And, hopefully, if they do, then they'll help.
But no. That part of me somewhere within still refuses to give up its strength, its voracity, its will to survive, move on, conquer another day, another crush, another let down, then another day once more. This inner strength is also an unexplainable trait that I can never fully understand, but its there, always pushing me forward, far away from hurtful horrible memories that I should sit down and cope with and learn from. But instead I just shake them off and try, try again in a field where trying has done nothing for me for years and years.
None of this is making any sense. I'm not making any sense. My thoughts, what I believe to be my emotions, never make any sense and I don't know what to believe, what to allow myself to see, to think, and above all to feel.
My mind is askew, my heart feels unwhole, yet my head cannot cry. Why crying? You may ask. Because crying is such a perfect way of just letting it all out. After a good cry one feels so light and rejuvinated, as if yes, there is now a way to cope and move on and learn. Crying releases any and all locked in thoughts and emotions, everything comes out during a long bout of tears. Everything, at least for one second, can be resolved and then forgotten, leaving open pathways for a brighter day.
So why does my head refuse to release it all? All I want is to cry. It's my last hope, my last ditch idea and effort in hopes of releasing myself from this funk that appeared a while back and seems to have settled for the long run. Believe me, self-pity is not my thing, sadness is not something I look forward to or hope to prolong. But it's here. And now, I'll just wait and see if those tears will finally drop. And, hopefully, if they do, then they'll help.