(no subject)
Ya know how you can have amidlife crisis? Well, I'm having an Alumni crisis. A life crisis. It's pretty bonerific. And being a lesbian, bonerific means bad.
I hate the concept of what my life could hold. I always told myself I would never do anything I didn't want to just to get by day by day, and that I would persue my happiness over an existance of non-stop work. I hate the concept of wasting my life away at a job that means nothing to me, to anyone, to the world. I hate the concept of listening to the same drama from the same people, the same family members, the same friends, and sticking up for everyone against everyone. I don't take sides; I just lean towards the side of the person who isn't there to defend themselves. Then I can turn around and defend the judge against the defendant when their roles become switched. I can't stand it. I can't stand anything right now, not gonna lie.
I'm on the verge of a breakdown because I'm so fed up with the average concept of life. I'm not saying I want a Hollywood life where I don't have to do a damn thing except act, which is one of the few things that's actually bringing me joy at the moment. I just feel like I need to be a hermit for a couple weeks. Lock myself in my room and work on my comic, and only leave to participate in the wonderful Project Shakespeare, which is helping to keep me sane at the moment. [still don't know what part I have, but I'm happy either way. Oberon or Lysander, hey, I can't lose.]
"...maybe I'm just too demanding, maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied..." Pretty sure that's a Prince lyric, "When Doves Cry." I just know the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack version. At any rate, it's a lyric that's always struck home with me.
My opinion on the definition of Anarchist is stuck in my head. To me, an Anarchist isn't necessarily a terrorist. To me, an Anarchist is someone who does everything based on their own personal beliefs. Not by what people want or except of them, and not necessarily by what the law states. You do something, or don't do something, because that's what you want. If you don't want to deal with the consequences of an action, you don't do it. That's your choice. No one else's.
I know it's not what most people consider an Anarchist. More of an unorthodox Anarchist, I guess. I dunno, I'm feeling interprative, and I'll partially blame that on Project Shakespeare once more; thank you, Ms. Therber.
I just don't want to live a life that I can't stand. I think that's an understandable desire. And right now, that's how I'm feeling. But there's really nothing I can do about it. I mean, I'm making great strides in personal development. For the first time in I don't know how long, I have no crushes, no romantic interests. I don't have to dote on someone like a hopeless dreamer. Don't have to deal with the bullshit that comes with it. I'm trying to be a good worker, even though I hate my job and the atrocious hours that I'm assigned to be there. I'm trying, trying DESPERATELY each and every day, to be a good person [still failing, but I'm trying, dammit!], or at least to become a better person. But I'm still something of a fuck up.
I have a headache and just found out that I have to go to work even earlier because of my wonderful shithead brother. Huzzah.
Hey, I got a car, though. It's pretty bitchin'. Yay car payments.
Oo I sound like such a little pessimist. I can take something cool like getting a car and make it the bane of my existance. Go me, I'm so proud.
I should really take a stab at that sleeping thing before I get even emo-er.
When we were young the future was so bright (whoa)
The old neighborhood was so alive (whoa)
And every kid on the whole damn street (whoa)
Was gonna make it big and not be beat.
Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn (whoa)
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn(whoa)
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives?
Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams
Go!
Jamie had a chance, well she really did (whoa)
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids (whoa)
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job (whoa)
Just plays guitar, smokes a lot of pot
Jay commited suicide (whoa)
Brandon OD'd and died (whoa)
What the hell is going on?
Cruelest dream reality
Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams
I hate the concept of what my life could hold. I always told myself I would never do anything I didn't want to just to get by day by day, and that I would persue my happiness over an existance of non-stop work. I hate the concept of wasting my life away at a job that means nothing to me, to anyone, to the world. I hate the concept of listening to the same drama from the same people, the same family members, the same friends, and sticking up for everyone against everyone. I don't take sides; I just lean towards the side of the person who isn't there to defend themselves. Then I can turn around and defend the judge against the defendant when their roles become switched. I can't stand it. I can't stand anything right now, not gonna lie.
I'm on the verge of a breakdown because I'm so fed up with the average concept of life. I'm not saying I want a Hollywood life where I don't have to do a damn thing except act, which is one of the few things that's actually bringing me joy at the moment. I just feel like I need to be a hermit for a couple weeks. Lock myself in my room and work on my comic, and only leave to participate in the wonderful Project Shakespeare, which is helping to keep me sane at the moment. [still don't know what part I have, but I'm happy either way. Oberon or Lysander, hey, I can't lose.]
"...maybe I'm just too demanding, maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe I'm just like my mother, she's never satisfied..." Pretty sure that's a Prince lyric, "When Doves Cry." I just know the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack version. At any rate, it's a lyric that's always struck home with me.
My opinion on the definition of Anarchist is stuck in my head. To me, an Anarchist isn't necessarily a terrorist. To me, an Anarchist is someone who does everything based on their own personal beliefs. Not by what people want or except of them, and not necessarily by what the law states. You do something, or don't do something, because that's what you want. If you don't want to deal with the consequences of an action, you don't do it. That's your choice. No one else's.
I know it's not what most people consider an Anarchist. More of an unorthodox Anarchist, I guess. I dunno, I'm feeling interprative, and I'll partially blame that on Project Shakespeare once more; thank you, Ms. Therber.
I just don't want to live a life that I can't stand. I think that's an understandable desire. And right now, that's how I'm feeling. But there's really nothing I can do about it. I mean, I'm making great strides in personal development. For the first time in I don't know how long, I have no crushes, no romantic interests. I don't have to dote on someone like a hopeless dreamer. Don't have to deal with the bullshit that comes with it. I'm trying to be a good worker, even though I hate my job and the atrocious hours that I'm assigned to be there. I'm trying, trying DESPERATELY each and every day, to be a good person [still failing, but I'm trying, dammit!], or at least to become a better person. But I'm still something of a fuck up.
I have a headache and just found out that I have to go to work even earlier because of my wonderful shithead brother. Huzzah.
Hey, I got a car, though. It's pretty bitchin'. Yay car payments.
Oo I sound like such a little pessimist. I can take something cool like getting a car and make it the bane of my existance. Go me, I'm so proud.
I should really take a stab at that sleeping thing before I get even emo-er.
When we were young the future was so bright (whoa)
The old neighborhood was so alive (whoa)
And every kid on the whole damn street (whoa)
Was gonna make it big and not be beat.
Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn (whoa)
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn(whoa)
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives?
Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams
Go!
Jamie had a chance, well she really did (whoa)
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids (whoa)
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job (whoa)
Just plays guitar, smokes a lot of pot
Jay commited suicide (whoa)
Brandon OD'd and died (whoa)
What the hell is going on?
Cruelest dream reality
Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams