Lost Oneshot: Stir After Grace
Title: Stir After Grace
by Jesterlady
Rating PG-13
Pairing: Charlie/Claire
Summary: Charlie decides to seek Jack's help and, through much thinking, figures out who his dreams are really meant to help.
A/N: My version of Fire + Water. Charlie has been maligned, I tell you!
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. Some lines are directly from the show. The title by John Bunyan
Stir After Grace
He was afraid to go to sleep. It seemed like every time he closed his eyes he could see horrible things happening to someone he loved. Fearing for Aaron's life made his heart seem to stop and while he had never been someone who anyone would think capable of parenthood, he had taken to it wholeheartedly and naturally. He also felt bound, helpless. Claire had asked him to leave them alone, everyone was looking at him like he was Sawyer on the day of the crash, and while he was literally aching to use the statues, he hadn't, and was somehow still acting like he was high.
How could he leave them alone when Aaron was in danger? How could he possibly let another family down? Let another one leave him? Claire's words from earlier stung in his ears. We were strangers. There was no before. She was wrong, even if she was still hazy on half of their connection. Charlie had never felt so close to anyone before her. Now she shunned him and he didn't blame her. With the way he'd been acting, he would shun himself. He wouldn't let himself near Aaron.
But he ached for them and he stumbled as he walked with weariness and even though the physical withdrawals had ceased, his psychological need for his drugs was bearing down on him. He found himself focusing all his anguish on Locke and after what the bald man had said to him earlier, he was practically livid. But more than that, he knew that he couldn't afford to have the man in his business, not with how close Locke was drawing to Claire. Charlie went to find Eko.
Eko gave him relief because Eko didn't think he was crazy, but, at the same time, Charlie wasn't any too sure on how sane Eko himself was. After what had happened in the jungle, Charlie felt a kinship with the man, but also a wariness. And even though what Eko said made sense to him, and he thought he understood it now, he needed a more rational opinion.
Charlie went to find Jack. If that didn't work, he would go see Claire, no matter what she thought of him. Because, at this point, in his mind, it didn't matter what she thought of him, Aaron had to be kept safe. If this island was trying to tell him something, then Charlie wouldn't ignore it. They'd seen too many weird things for him to disbelieve the obvious. He pushed aside the thought that it was Locke who had first taught him to believe.
He found Jack talking with Ana Lucia. Charlie couldn't understand why he would be with her, Shannon's murderer. Not that Charlie had been so fond of Shannon, but, after all, she was one of them. And this women had killed her, had put that dead look into Sayid's eyes. But Charlie needed Jack, so he nodded to them both.
“What is it, Charlie?” Jack asked, obviously wanting it to be something quick.
“I need to talk to you,” he answered.
“Yeah?”
“Alone.”
Ana-Lucia looked properly awkward and motioned over her shoulder.
“I'll be over with Libby,” she said and Jack nodded.
“What's this about?”
They walked as they talked, down the beach, away from prying ears.
“You know about what's going on, right?”
“I heard.” Jack was using the same tone of disappointment that Locke had used, but Charlie could accept it from Jack.
“I don't know what's going on, man. I need help, medical help.”
Jack stopped walking and turned, facing Charlie in the eye.
“Tell me the truth or we're done. Are you using again?”
Charlie hesitated. He hadn't wanted to talk about it. He didn't want to admit he wasn't using. Maybe he just wanted people to believe him without asking.
“No. I have...a stash, but I haven't used it.”
“What!”
“I haven't, I swear.”
“I don't know if I believe you,” Jack said finally.
They kept walking.
“I've been having dreams,” Charlie said. “Aaron's always in danger, Claire and my mum are telling me to save him. My mum always used to say that to me...” he murmured. “But...I wake up and I've got Aaron in my arms. That's not a symptom of heroin use, sleepwalking?”
“Possibly. It's a relaxant, Charlie. High dosages can lead to hallucinations.”
“But I'm asleep! It's got to be something else, something like this bloody island making me crazy.”
Jack laughed.
“Don't talk to me about that. I don't believe it. Locke can sell his destiny story somewhere else.”
“I didn't say it was a good island experience,” Charlie said. “It's destroying my life.”
“You can stop it,” Jack said. “Nobody's running your life, but you.”
“We've all seen things, mate,” Charlie said in reply. “The monster, polar bears, skeletons, Walt, Kate and her bloody horse.”
“What?” Jack stopped again.
“Kate was seeing horses, back when she was acting barmy. Shannon's funeral.”
“I remember the day,” Jack said firmly and looked down at his feet.
“Yeah, anyway, this island...it's strange. I've seen the monster, Jack. Eko and I saw it.”
“What did it look like?”
“Smoke. Black smoke. It stared at Eko, then turned and floated away. Scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.”
“Okay, so this island is weird. I've...seen things myself. But that doesn't mean we go around taking babies from cribs in the middle of the night. We're not in civilization but we're human beings, Charlie. You don't get to make Claire's decisions for her.”
“I know. But...I know Aaron's in danger. And I can't let her opinion of me stop me from protecting him.”
“I will stop you from hurting her,” Jack said quietly, looking at him again.
“I would hope so,” Charlie said. “That's what I'm here for. I'm going out of my mind and I need help.”
“First things first,” Jack said. “You have to destroy the drugs.”
“I just feel safe with them,” Charlie said.
“The worst part about drug dependency is the psychological need, Charlie. That never really goes away. Even if we never get off this island, you're gonna feel like you need it. That's something you have to deal with.”
“I know. But if I'm on a desert island with no heroin, how is that me saying no? That's just me winning by default. I have to beat it.”
“You beat it by destroying it.”
“I did that already.”
“If this island is as strange as you say it is, then I'm sure there's always going to be something testing us. Don't fail this one.”
“A test,” Charlie whispered, remembering his words to Locke. He did feel like he was being tested. He felt like everything in his life was building up to this moment. But he couldn't let Aaron be the cost to his failure. “I don't know what to do,” he finally said, his voice cracking. “I can't lose them too.”
“Too?”
“Never mind. Okay, let's go destroy them.”
Jack looked over his shoulder to where Ana-Lucia could be seen in the distance, watching them.
“I've got- okay.”
Charlie nodded in relief. Whatever Jack's newfound obsession was, the man's desire to help people had triumphed for the moment.
They walked mostly in silence to the place where Charlie had hidden the statues. Charlie had felt a cathartic relief in seeing the plane burn. He had felt more connected to the holy then in the past ten years. This time, he just felt dread. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the island finally getting to him.
Jack knelt and moved aside the branches. He whistled at the many statues Charlie had collected.
“Looks like you were planning on setting up a dealership.”
“Very funny,” Charlie said with no humor in his voice. “Junkies don't operate that way. Least not me. Makes me selfish.”
He thought bitterly about hooking up in Australia the night before the fateful 815 flight.
“Drugs are selfish,” Jack said, with a sad look on his face.
Charlie wondered who had hurt him.
They cleared a circle in the brush, set up a fire and, one by one, smashed the statues and dropped the drugs in the fire. Charlie felt something inside him break at the loss. But he also felt like a kite string untangled and ready to fly. Just like the first time where he'd played the part of the bloody moth for Locke's mother nature puppet master.
“Any others?”
“No.”
“Okay, well, regardless of whether you used or not, you're going to be disoriented. Probably due to lack of sleep, too much sun, stress, and dependency. Promise me you're not going to bother Claire or Aaron.”
“I have a thing I have to do,” Charlie said. “But I won't bother them.”
They walked back to camp and Jack headed toward Ana-Lucia's tent and Charlie walked purposefully toward Claire's. Kate and Claire were sitting there together and he winced at how Claire moved protectively toward Aaron and Kate jumped up to block his approach.
“Kate,” he called from some distance away, “can I talk to you?”
She looked warily at him, but said something to Claire and came toward him.
“What is it, Charlie?”
“Stop looking at me like that,” he said bitterly. “I just need you to give Claire a message for me.”
“You need to leave her alone,” she said firmly.
“You ever acted a little crazy?” he asked. “You ever hurt someone you loved because you were out of your bloody mind?” Kate went still. “You must know something about that. You've got your secret past, your demons. I've got mine. Now hear me out.”
“Okay,” she said, “I’ll hear you out.”
“I'm not using. Jack and I just burned the last of the heroin. You can go ask him. But I am having very vivid dreams about Aaron in danger. I'm worried about him. This may sound crazy, but I know you've had experience with things like that on this island too. I think the dreams mean something. And whatever happens, I think Aaron's safety should be the first concern, whether from...me or something else. Eko's a priest. And he thinks my dreams could mean something too. Whether you believe in that or not, I don't know. But just please tell Claire that I think she should talk to Eko and that she should see if he could baptize Aaron for her.”
Kate gave him a strange look.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“If you're a believer, everything. Please, Kate. Just do it.”
“We're friends, Charlie,” Kate said, finally. “We have been since that first trek. But I can't let you hurt her or him. I helped him come into this world and that...he's special.”
“I was there too,” Charlie said. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Kate smiled slightly.
“I'll tell her, but that doesn't mean she'll do anything about it. I can't help you there.”
“That's all I'm asking,” Charlie said, feeling a strange sense of relief.
Kate nodded and left to return to Claire.
Charlie walked towards his new sleeping area. He didn't like it much. Maybe he would play his guitar. That always helped. His muse had been rampant since coming to the island, mostly because of her and free time, he imagined. Now, hopefully, it would sing for him since he felt somewhat relieved from his strange burden to save Aaron.
For so many years his mother had cried out to him to save the family from their poverty. His father had scorned at the idea. Liam had led him along into destruction and then dumped his brother into the mud to secure his own salvation. Now Charlie felt like he had a new family to protect. He wanted to be seen as dependable, to not just be one more has-been junkie, but someone worthy of respect. He had felt that with Claire. He had fallen utterly in love with Aaron. And now, he wanted nothing more than to take care of them. But talking with Eko and Jack had made him feel more clear-headed than in a long time. He wouldn't jeopardize their friendship, for lack of a better word, anymore than he already had.
“I had hoped you would give Claire some space,” came the last voice he wanted to hear right then.
“You'll notice I didn't talk directly to her,” Charlie said, finally tired of trying to prove himself to this man.
“She needs to not have to worry about you.”
“Well, I'm still worried about them,” Charlie said, turning to look at Locke.
“They're not your responsibility,” Locke said.
“Nor are they yours, John. Who the bloody hell are you? Where were you when Aaron was born? Where were you when he was taken? You're not his family.”
“Neither are you.”
“I didn't say I was,” Charlie said, even if that was how he felt.
Locke looked away.
“I hope you don't have any more statues hidden somewhere for me to find.”
“You followed me and Jack,” Charlie said flatly.
“You need to be watched,” Locke said. “You've lost the right to freedom.”
“And who appointed you God, John?” Charlie asked angrily. “I'm not the one who kept secrets and got Boone bloody killed, am I? I don't trust you either. You've no right to judge me.”
“Maybe not,” Locke said. “But I won't see her hurt.”
“Neither would I,” Charlie said. “Leave me alone, Locke; I'm serious. I'm not hurting anyone.”
“I'm watching you,” Locke said, walking away.
Charlie watched him go, hot anger in his heart. He wanted to beat the man senseless. Not that it would do any good. Instead he picked up his guitar and went as far away from the camp as possible while being within sight of it. He needed some soothing.
***
Charlie hadn't interacted with anyone other than Hurley for the last few days. His friend had listened to him, believed him, and made Charlie feel a lot better than he felt he had any right to be. Hurley kept him entertained with stories about his and Libby's newfound friendship and Sawyer's takeover of the guns. Charlie had stayed out of it. He felt completely useless and was grateful for Hurley's friendship. Jack had looked like he was going to come over and talk to him several times, but had obviously been busy being the hero. He could feel Locke watching him, but he was determined to not let it bother him. He wished she would watch him.
He was coming back from the caves with fresh water when he saw them. Jack, Locke, Claire, Kate, and Eko. They were all standing around in a group and while he might have thought nothing of it before, he could think of no reason for Eko to be talking to those specific four people unless it had something to do with him. For a minute he felt mad again, feeling the hypocrisy of these people being his judge and jury. Then he just felt glad that she seemed to at least acknowledge he existed. He went back to his self-appointed exile, the wait was killing him, but he was going to earn this.
***
It wasn't until the next day that he heard footsteps behind him. He didn't turn around, expecting it to be Hurley.
“About time, mate,” he said. “I'm going starkers out here.”
“You know, when I said I needed space, I didn't mean you had to move outside the camp.”
Charlie jumped at Claire's voice and spun to face her. She was alone and she looked amazing for a castaway.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
“Where's Aaron?”
“Sun's watching him. I thought we could talk.”
“Sure.” Charlie scooted over as she sat down across from him, back to the ocean. This was going to be a serious talk then. “So, what's new?”
“Not much,” she said. “Listen, Charlie, I don't know what's been going on in your head, but you scared me. You hurt me.”
“I'm sorry,” he said, hanging his head.
“I know I've never been very responsible,” she said. “And I wasn't prepared for being a mother, but I am one. And I don't have time to worry about if you're going to harm us.”
“I won't.”
“You already did.” He didn't say anything. “That's not the point. What I need to know is what you're thinking. What's going on inside you? I talked to Jack and he told me about you coming to him. Eko told me about the plane and the dreams. Kate gave me your message. Hurley keeps telling me how you are.”
He smiled. Good old Hurley.
“I'm confused,” he said. “Look, Claire, I'm done making excuses for myself. I'm messed up, I'm stupid, I'm sick, but I would never do anything to hurt you and Aaron, not on purpose. Nobody could promise more than that. And I'm sorry that it happened. I didn't mean to take Aaron.”
“Jack told me that he believes you were reacting to psychological withdrawal, lack of sleep, and possibly damage from the fall of rocks on your head.”
“Brilliant, now I've got brain damage.”
“I think he was just trying to reassure me that it wasn't heroin use that was causing your erratic behavior.”
“It wasn't, I swear.”
“I believe you for now. But, Charlie, I can't just let you back in without being careful, for Aaron's sake.”
“Back in? I thought there never was an in.”
She frowned and looked away.
“I'm sorry, Charlie. I don't know what to say about that.”
“I was there, you know. I remember everything that's happened.”
“But I don't, not really. I still can't remember Ethan or what he did to me. Just flashes. I don't remember being taken.”
“Good.”
“And from the crash till I woke up in the caves is hazy. I remember you and I've read my own words in my diary, but sometimes it feels like reading about something that happened to someone else. We were definitely friends, but I don't know what you want from me.”
“Nothing.”
“That's not true, you have to want something.”
“I want to protect you. I want to take care of you. I want to take care of Aaron.”
“Why?”
“Don't make me say it, okay? It's just...something I need and want to do. But I can't force you.”
“Look, I'm not saying that my feelings for you are going to...lead anywhere. But even though there wasn't an 'us,' there kinda was.”
“That makes no bloody sense.”
“You can't swear if you're going to be around Aaron,” she said, teasing slightly.
“I never will again,” he said. “But...you were saying?”
“I was saying that I can't deny that we were starting to be...wonderful. But everything has happened so fast. We didn't even know each other two months ago. We live on opposite ends of the world. I'm a single mother all of a sudden and you're a recovering drug addict and rock star. It's like a bad movie. And can you see how jumping into a relationship would seem too far, too fast?”
“When you put it like that.”
Charlie turned his gaze from her out to the ocean.
“Do you think we're going to get off this island?”
“I used to think so. The raft...then, I don't know.”
“What if we never get off the island?”
“Then I guess you're stuck with me,” he said, cocking a grin at her.
She smiled back.
“I would hope I would be even if we do get off. But it's going to take time. And don't expect anything to happen tomorrow. Just be patient, okay?”
“I'm not very good at that.”
“I'm not either, but I'm the one asking.”
“I'll do anything for you, Claire. I don't even care if that sounds like too much. This island has changed everything. And, to be honest, I don't really know what my dreams mean. I don't know what's going to happen. But I can't help feeling for you and the Turnip-head.”
“You know, his eyes always move around when someone says that, like he's looking for you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Charlie grinned.
“Hope it won't give him a complex.”
“Nothing more than being on this island could,” she said. “If my wanting to give him up in the first place doesn't beat it out.”
“You're together now,” he said. “You'll be together forever.”
“I hope somehow that we all will be,” she said. “I've missed our talks.”
“I missed you,” he said, softly, not wanting to look at her.
“But again...”
“I know, don't expect too much.”
“Thank you for understanding. And, listen, Charlie, about Locke...”
His face darkened.
“What about him?”
“He's kinda appointed himself my guardian. I could've told him somebody else already had. But he's just looking out for me. I can't ignore that.”
Charlie made a slightly disgusted noise.
“That wanker has it in for me.”
“Don't justify yourself,” she said somewhat sharply. “He had good reason to suspect you.”
“I know, I just feel like...like he gave up on me.”
“I think there's enough blame to go around,” Claire said. “But just promise me you'll try to get along with him.”
“Can I avoid him as well?”
“If you want. But if you move back to the beach next to me, you might run into him occasionally.”
“Sounds good,” he said, as nonchalantly as he could.
She smiled like she knew his heart was doing cartwheels.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked after they had sat in the most companionable silence he could ever remember.
“Yes, yes, that is me from Drive Shaft.”
She slugged his shoulder.
“Charlie!”
“What do you want to know?”
“Why did you feel like you needed to save us? Why do you want to protect me so badly? Why was your mum in your dreams?”
Charlie was silent, wondering just how much of his soul he wanted to bare or if he even knew the answer to the question. It's not like he told these kinds of things to just anyone. But he had pretty much made the decision the moment he brought her water the day she'd fainted. She'd captured him without ever trying. The past wasn't pretty, it made him feel weak. But maybe...she would understand.
“My mum always used to say that I would save them,” he began slowly. “I learned the piano when I was six and for my eighth Christmas, I got one of my own. She used to say that my talent would save us. My dad, he thought we should have a trade, be butchers like him. Liam and I both loved music. Or, I guess I loved music and Liam loved the idea of music. Anyway, when she died and I still hadn't made the music to save us...well, I wished I had.”
Claire listened quietly.
“I used to go to church and wanted to do the right thing and then, when our music finally started being popular, I felt like I was being pulled down. Liam and I said we'd always walk away if we needed to. But then the time came and he wouldn't go. I couldn't just leave him and it bloody well destroyed me. I got hooked. The music wasn't enough for the world like it was for me. It needed something else...an image. I...didn't fit that until-”
“If you don't want to-”
“It's okay. I just don't even know what to say. Liam was a mess, he was so deep into the drugs and he wasn't there when his baby was born and his wife kicked him out and I wouldn't leave him. I was writing music for him, for us. We couldn't work because of him, then I came home and he'd sold my piano - saying he had to do it for his family. He was going to get clean - move to Australia.” Claire looked up surprised. “Yeah, he's clean. Beautiful daughter and wife. And he sold my soul to get it.”
Charlie looked away, not wanting her to see his tears. Manly rock gods don't cry. He felt a tentative hand on his shoulder anyway.
“It's okay, Charlie.”
“Thanks. I went to see him to try and get the tour started again, but he...well, he wanted to help, but I...couldn't forgive him.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I guess he won't ever know that I want to now. But I don't at the same time.”
“I feel the same way about some people.”
“Yeah? Well, I guess I have a complex is the answer. My mum told me to save people and then I fell even further down, I couldn't save my brother and he ended up leaving me, pushing me down. I wanted to save someone else once. I was such a junkie that I hurt her badly; she told me that I'd never take care of anyone. I guess when I met you I felt like I had another chance. And these dreams are so real, Claire.”
“Locke told me you want to save Aaron because you don't know how to save yourself.”
“No one can save themselves. You can only start in the right direction.”
“I knew you were religious,” she said.
He smiled
“I'm not, not enough, anyway. Maybe someday.”
“I've got your chance,” she said, getting to her feet. “Come with me.”
He got to his feet and she helped him gather his things and they went back to the camp. They dropped his stuff off near her tent and he was mystified when she beckoned him to keep going. They gathered Aaron up from Sun and he was grateful when she and Jin didn't look at him like he was the town pariah. Claire carried Aaron and led him to Eko, standing amidst the middle of the trees he'd been marking when Charlie had talked to him days earlier.
“What are we doing?” Charlie asked.
“This lady wanted to know about baptism,” Eko said. “I think this will ease her mind.”
“I don't even know what it is really,” Claire said.
“When John the Baptist baptized Jesus a dove came down from heaven and this was a sign to John, a sign that he had done his task. Do you know what his task was?”
“He was a...prophet.”
“He was the foreshadow. He prepared the way for the Son of God. The dove showed him that Jesus was this Son.”
“What does that have to do with baptism?”
“It is a sign as well. A sign that one has decided to follow God. It is a sign that what has plagued you from before will not deter your path.”
Charlie listened to the priest and felt like maybe the danger signs hadn't been pointed at Aaron after all. Maybe they had been pointed at him. Because even though he already had been baptized when he was a baby, it hadn't been his choice. Now, his choices were pointing him toward something better than feeling like a failure and turning to things that simply destroyed him.
“Do you think Aaron needs to be baptized?” Claire asked Charlie.
He smiled, fully understanding his dreams for the first time. Finally understanding himself.
“I think I need to be. And if you want to, maybe you could. Aaron can make that choice for himself. And, if you make it now, you can help him when his time comes.”
Claire didn't say anything but Eko turned and melted into the trees, coming back in a few minutes with water in a coconut. Charlie stood still and listened as Eko spoke words he'd heard all his life, but he connected with them now. The water was cool on his forehead. He felt Claire grab his hand and bring herself and Aaron underneath the flow. He smiled.
He'd come through fire and now he was going through water and if ever there was symbolism, it was being embodied in him right now. But for the first time since he'd landed on this island, he didn't feel like he had to prove himself to anyone. There would still be trials, he and Claire had things to work out, he would have to build back trust, but he didn't need to prove anything and his past didn’t matter. His future was now and even if he might always want drugs, might always be small in the eyes of such as John Locke, might never be able to reconcile with his brother, he still had his guitar, his music surging around inside of him, and he had a path and he had them. A family to take care of and be taken care of by. This was his baptism.
by Jesterlady
Rating PG-13
Pairing: Charlie/Claire
Summary: Charlie decides to seek Jack's help and, through much thinking, figures out who his dreams are really meant to help.
A/N: My version of Fire + Water. Charlie has been maligned, I tell you!
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost. Some lines are directly from the show. The title by John Bunyan
Stir After Grace
He was afraid to go to sleep. It seemed like every time he closed his eyes he could see horrible things happening to someone he loved. Fearing for Aaron's life made his heart seem to stop and while he had never been someone who anyone would think capable of parenthood, he had taken to it wholeheartedly and naturally. He also felt bound, helpless. Claire had asked him to leave them alone, everyone was looking at him like he was Sawyer on the day of the crash, and while he was literally aching to use the statues, he hadn't, and was somehow still acting like he was high.
How could he leave them alone when Aaron was in danger? How could he possibly let another family down? Let another one leave him? Claire's words from earlier stung in his ears. We were strangers. There was no before. She was wrong, even if she was still hazy on half of their connection. Charlie had never felt so close to anyone before her. Now she shunned him and he didn't blame her. With the way he'd been acting, he would shun himself. He wouldn't let himself near Aaron.
But he ached for them and he stumbled as he walked with weariness and even though the physical withdrawals had ceased, his psychological need for his drugs was bearing down on him. He found himself focusing all his anguish on Locke and after what the bald man had said to him earlier, he was practically livid. But more than that, he knew that he couldn't afford to have the man in his business, not with how close Locke was drawing to Claire. Charlie went to find Eko.
Eko gave him relief because Eko didn't think he was crazy, but, at the same time, Charlie wasn't any too sure on how sane Eko himself was. After what had happened in the jungle, Charlie felt a kinship with the man, but also a wariness. And even though what Eko said made sense to him, and he thought he understood it now, he needed a more rational opinion.
Charlie went to find Jack. If that didn't work, he would go see Claire, no matter what she thought of him. Because, at this point, in his mind, it didn't matter what she thought of him, Aaron had to be kept safe. If this island was trying to tell him something, then Charlie wouldn't ignore it. They'd seen too many weird things for him to disbelieve the obvious. He pushed aside the thought that it was Locke who had first taught him to believe.
He found Jack talking with Ana Lucia. Charlie couldn't understand why he would be with her, Shannon's murderer. Not that Charlie had been so fond of Shannon, but, after all, she was one of them. And this women had killed her, had put that dead look into Sayid's eyes. But Charlie needed Jack, so he nodded to them both.
“What is it, Charlie?” Jack asked, obviously wanting it to be something quick.
“I need to talk to you,” he answered.
“Yeah?”
“Alone.”
Ana-Lucia looked properly awkward and motioned over her shoulder.
“I'll be over with Libby,” she said and Jack nodded.
“What's this about?”
They walked as they talked, down the beach, away from prying ears.
“You know about what's going on, right?”
“I heard.” Jack was using the same tone of disappointment that Locke had used, but Charlie could accept it from Jack.
“I don't know what's going on, man. I need help, medical help.”
Jack stopped walking and turned, facing Charlie in the eye.
“Tell me the truth or we're done. Are you using again?”
Charlie hesitated. He hadn't wanted to talk about it. He didn't want to admit he wasn't using. Maybe he just wanted people to believe him without asking.
“No. I have...a stash, but I haven't used it.”
“What!”
“I haven't, I swear.”
“I don't know if I believe you,” Jack said finally.
They kept walking.
“I've been having dreams,” Charlie said. “Aaron's always in danger, Claire and my mum are telling me to save him. My mum always used to say that to me...” he murmured. “But...I wake up and I've got Aaron in my arms. That's not a symptom of heroin use, sleepwalking?”
“Possibly. It's a relaxant, Charlie. High dosages can lead to hallucinations.”
“But I'm asleep! It's got to be something else, something like this bloody island making me crazy.”
Jack laughed.
“Don't talk to me about that. I don't believe it. Locke can sell his destiny story somewhere else.”
“I didn't say it was a good island experience,” Charlie said. “It's destroying my life.”
“You can stop it,” Jack said. “Nobody's running your life, but you.”
“We've all seen things, mate,” Charlie said in reply. “The monster, polar bears, skeletons, Walt, Kate and her bloody horse.”
“What?” Jack stopped again.
“Kate was seeing horses, back when she was acting barmy. Shannon's funeral.”
“I remember the day,” Jack said firmly and looked down at his feet.
“Yeah, anyway, this island...it's strange. I've seen the monster, Jack. Eko and I saw it.”
“What did it look like?”
“Smoke. Black smoke. It stared at Eko, then turned and floated away. Scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.”
“Okay, so this island is weird. I've...seen things myself. But that doesn't mean we go around taking babies from cribs in the middle of the night. We're not in civilization but we're human beings, Charlie. You don't get to make Claire's decisions for her.”
“I know. But...I know Aaron's in danger. And I can't let her opinion of me stop me from protecting him.”
“I will stop you from hurting her,” Jack said quietly, looking at him again.
“I would hope so,” Charlie said. “That's what I'm here for. I'm going out of my mind and I need help.”
“First things first,” Jack said. “You have to destroy the drugs.”
“I just feel safe with them,” Charlie said.
“The worst part about drug dependency is the psychological need, Charlie. That never really goes away. Even if we never get off this island, you're gonna feel like you need it. That's something you have to deal with.”
“I know. But if I'm on a desert island with no heroin, how is that me saying no? That's just me winning by default. I have to beat it.”
“You beat it by destroying it.”
“I did that already.”
“If this island is as strange as you say it is, then I'm sure there's always going to be something testing us. Don't fail this one.”
“A test,” Charlie whispered, remembering his words to Locke. He did feel like he was being tested. He felt like everything in his life was building up to this moment. But he couldn't let Aaron be the cost to his failure. “I don't know what to do,” he finally said, his voice cracking. “I can't lose them too.”
“Too?”
“Never mind. Okay, let's go destroy them.”
Jack looked over his shoulder to where Ana-Lucia could be seen in the distance, watching them.
“I've got- okay.”
Charlie nodded in relief. Whatever Jack's newfound obsession was, the man's desire to help people had triumphed for the moment.
They walked mostly in silence to the place where Charlie had hidden the statues. Charlie had felt a cathartic relief in seeing the plane burn. He had felt more connected to the holy then in the past ten years. This time, he just felt dread. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the island finally getting to him.
Jack knelt and moved aside the branches. He whistled at the many statues Charlie had collected.
“Looks like you were planning on setting up a dealership.”
“Very funny,” Charlie said with no humor in his voice. “Junkies don't operate that way. Least not me. Makes me selfish.”
He thought bitterly about hooking up in Australia the night before the fateful 815 flight.
“Drugs are selfish,” Jack said, with a sad look on his face.
Charlie wondered who had hurt him.
They cleared a circle in the brush, set up a fire and, one by one, smashed the statues and dropped the drugs in the fire. Charlie felt something inside him break at the loss. But he also felt like a kite string untangled and ready to fly. Just like the first time where he'd played the part of the bloody moth for Locke's mother nature puppet master.
“Any others?”
“No.”
“Okay, well, regardless of whether you used or not, you're going to be disoriented. Probably due to lack of sleep, too much sun, stress, and dependency. Promise me you're not going to bother Claire or Aaron.”
“I have a thing I have to do,” Charlie said. “But I won't bother them.”
They walked back to camp and Jack headed toward Ana-Lucia's tent and Charlie walked purposefully toward Claire's. Kate and Claire were sitting there together and he winced at how Claire moved protectively toward Aaron and Kate jumped up to block his approach.
“Kate,” he called from some distance away, “can I talk to you?”
She looked warily at him, but said something to Claire and came toward him.
“What is it, Charlie?”
“Stop looking at me like that,” he said bitterly. “I just need you to give Claire a message for me.”
“You need to leave her alone,” she said firmly.
“You ever acted a little crazy?” he asked. “You ever hurt someone you loved because you were out of your bloody mind?” Kate went still. “You must know something about that. You've got your secret past, your demons. I've got mine. Now hear me out.”
“Okay,” she said, “I’ll hear you out.”
“I'm not using. Jack and I just burned the last of the heroin. You can go ask him. But I am having very vivid dreams about Aaron in danger. I'm worried about him. This may sound crazy, but I know you've had experience with things like that on this island too. I think the dreams mean something. And whatever happens, I think Aaron's safety should be the first concern, whether from...me or something else. Eko's a priest. And he thinks my dreams could mean something too. Whether you believe in that or not, I don't know. But just please tell Claire that I think she should talk to Eko and that she should see if he could baptize Aaron for her.”
Kate gave him a strange look.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“If you're a believer, everything. Please, Kate. Just do it.”
“We're friends, Charlie,” Kate said, finally. “We have been since that first trek. But I can't let you hurt her or him. I helped him come into this world and that...he's special.”
“I was there too,” Charlie said. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Kate smiled slightly.
“I'll tell her, but that doesn't mean she'll do anything about it. I can't help you there.”
“That's all I'm asking,” Charlie said, feeling a strange sense of relief.
Kate nodded and left to return to Claire.
Charlie walked towards his new sleeping area. He didn't like it much. Maybe he would play his guitar. That always helped. His muse had been rampant since coming to the island, mostly because of her and free time, he imagined. Now, hopefully, it would sing for him since he felt somewhat relieved from his strange burden to save Aaron.
For so many years his mother had cried out to him to save the family from their poverty. His father had scorned at the idea. Liam had led him along into destruction and then dumped his brother into the mud to secure his own salvation. Now Charlie felt like he had a new family to protect. He wanted to be seen as dependable, to not just be one more has-been junkie, but someone worthy of respect. He had felt that with Claire. He had fallen utterly in love with Aaron. And now, he wanted nothing more than to take care of them. But talking with Eko and Jack had made him feel more clear-headed than in a long time. He wouldn't jeopardize their friendship, for lack of a better word, anymore than he already had.
“I had hoped you would give Claire some space,” came the last voice he wanted to hear right then.
“You'll notice I didn't talk directly to her,” Charlie said, finally tired of trying to prove himself to this man.
“She needs to not have to worry about you.”
“Well, I'm still worried about them,” Charlie said, turning to look at Locke.
“They're not your responsibility,” Locke said.
“Nor are they yours, John. Who the bloody hell are you? Where were you when Aaron was born? Where were you when he was taken? You're not his family.”
“Neither are you.”
“I didn't say I was,” Charlie said, even if that was how he felt.
Locke looked away.
“I hope you don't have any more statues hidden somewhere for me to find.”
“You followed me and Jack,” Charlie said flatly.
“You need to be watched,” Locke said. “You've lost the right to freedom.”
“And who appointed you God, John?” Charlie asked angrily. “I'm not the one who kept secrets and got Boone bloody killed, am I? I don't trust you either. You've no right to judge me.”
“Maybe not,” Locke said. “But I won't see her hurt.”
“Neither would I,” Charlie said. “Leave me alone, Locke; I'm serious. I'm not hurting anyone.”
“I'm watching you,” Locke said, walking away.
Charlie watched him go, hot anger in his heart. He wanted to beat the man senseless. Not that it would do any good. Instead he picked up his guitar and went as far away from the camp as possible while being within sight of it. He needed some soothing.
***
Charlie hadn't interacted with anyone other than Hurley for the last few days. His friend had listened to him, believed him, and made Charlie feel a lot better than he felt he had any right to be. Hurley kept him entertained with stories about his and Libby's newfound friendship and Sawyer's takeover of the guns. Charlie had stayed out of it. He felt completely useless and was grateful for Hurley's friendship. Jack had looked like he was going to come over and talk to him several times, but had obviously been busy being the hero. He could feel Locke watching him, but he was determined to not let it bother him. He wished she would watch him.
He was coming back from the caves with fresh water when he saw them. Jack, Locke, Claire, Kate, and Eko. They were all standing around in a group and while he might have thought nothing of it before, he could think of no reason for Eko to be talking to those specific four people unless it had something to do with him. For a minute he felt mad again, feeling the hypocrisy of these people being his judge and jury. Then he just felt glad that she seemed to at least acknowledge he existed. He went back to his self-appointed exile, the wait was killing him, but he was going to earn this.
***
It wasn't until the next day that he heard footsteps behind him. He didn't turn around, expecting it to be Hurley.
“About time, mate,” he said. “I'm going starkers out here.”
“You know, when I said I needed space, I didn't mean you had to move outside the camp.”
Charlie jumped at Claire's voice and spun to face her. She was alone and she looked amazing for a castaway.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
“Where's Aaron?”
“Sun's watching him. I thought we could talk.”
“Sure.” Charlie scooted over as she sat down across from him, back to the ocean. This was going to be a serious talk then. “So, what's new?”
“Not much,” she said. “Listen, Charlie, I don't know what's been going on in your head, but you scared me. You hurt me.”
“I'm sorry,” he said, hanging his head.
“I know I've never been very responsible,” she said. “And I wasn't prepared for being a mother, but I am one. And I don't have time to worry about if you're going to harm us.”
“I won't.”
“You already did.” He didn't say anything. “That's not the point. What I need to know is what you're thinking. What's going on inside you? I talked to Jack and he told me about you coming to him. Eko told me about the plane and the dreams. Kate gave me your message. Hurley keeps telling me how you are.”
He smiled. Good old Hurley.
“I'm confused,” he said. “Look, Claire, I'm done making excuses for myself. I'm messed up, I'm stupid, I'm sick, but I would never do anything to hurt you and Aaron, not on purpose. Nobody could promise more than that. And I'm sorry that it happened. I didn't mean to take Aaron.”
“Jack told me that he believes you were reacting to psychological withdrawal, lack of sleep, and possibly damage from the fall of rocks on your head.”
“Brilliant, now I've got brain damage.”
“I think he was just trying to reassure me that it wasn't heroin use that was causing your erratic behavior.”
“It wasn't, I swear.”
“I believe you for now. But, Charlie, I can't just let you back in without being careful, for Aaron's sake.”
“Back in? I thought there never was an in.”
She frowned and looked away.
“I'm sorry, Charlie. I don't know what to say about that.”
“I was there, you know. I remember everything that's happened.”
“But I don't, not really. I still can't remember Ethan or what he did to me. Just flashes. I don't remember being taken.”
“Good.”
“And from the crash till I woke up in the caves is hazy. I remember you and I've read my own words in my diary, but sometimes it feels like reading about something that happened to someone else. We were definitely friends, but I don't know what you want from me.”
“Nothing.”
“That's not true, you have to want something.”
“I want to protect you. I want to take care of you. I want to take care of Aaron.”
“Why?”
“Don't make me say it, okay? It's just...something I need and want to do. But I can't force you.”
“Look, I'm not saying that my feelings for you are going to...lead anywhere. But even though there wasn't an 'us,' there kinda was.”
“That makes no bloody sense.”
“You can't swear if you're going to be around Aaron,” she said, teasing slightly.
“I never will again,” he said. “But...you were saying?”
“I was saying that I can't deny that we were starting to be...wonderful. But everything has happened so fast. We didn't even know each other two months ago. We live on opposite ends of the world. I'm a single mother all of a sudden and you're a recovering drug addict and rock star. It's like a bad movie. And can you see how jumping into a relationship would seem too far, too fast?”
“When you put it like that.”
Charlie turned his gaze from her out to the ocean.
“Do you think we're going to get off this island?”
“I used to think so. The raft...then, I don't know.”
“What if we never get off the island?”
“Then I guess you're stuck with me,” he said, cocking a grin at her.
She smiled back.
“I would hope I would be even if we do get off. But it's going to take time. And don't expect anything to happen tomorrow. Just be patient, okay?”
“I'm not very good at that.”
“I'm not either, but I'm the one asking.”
“I'll do anything for you, Claire. I don't even care if that sounds like too much. This island has changed everything. And, to be honest, I don't really know what my dreams mean. I don't know what's going to happen. But I can't help feeling for you and the Turnip-head.”
“You know, his eyes always move around when someone says that, like he's looking for you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Charlie grinned.
“Hope it won't give him a complex.”
“Nothing more than being on this island could,” she said. “If my wanting to give him up in the first place doesn't beat it out.”
“You're together now,” he said. “You'll be together forever.”
“I hope somehow that we all will be,” she said. “I've missed our talks.”
“I missed you,” he said, softly, not wanting to look at her.
“But again...”
“I know, don't expect too much.”
“Thank you for understanding. And, listen, Charlie, about Locke...”
His face darkened.
“What about him?”
“He's kinda appointed himself my guardian. I could've told him somebody else already had. But he's just looking out for me. I can't ignore that.”
Charlie made a slightly disgusted noise.
“That wanker has it in for me.”
“Don't justify yourself,” she said somewhat sharply. “He had good reason to suspect you.”
“I know, I just feel like...like he gave up on me.”
“I think there's enough blame to go around,” Claire said. “But just promise me you'll try to get along with him.”
“Can I avoid him as well?”
“If you want. But if you move back to the beach next to me, you might run into him occasionally.”
“Sounds good,” he said, as nonchalantly as he could.
She smiled like she knew his heart was doing cartwheels.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked after they had sat in the most companionable silence he could ever remember.
“Yes, yes, that is me from Drive Shaft.”
She slugged his shoulder.
“Charlie!”
“What do you want to know?”
“Why did you feel like you needed to save us? Why do you want to protect me so badly? Why was your mum in your dreams?”
Charlie was silent, wondering just how much of his soul he wanted to bare or if he even knew the answer to the question. It's not like he told these kinds of things to just anyone. But he had pretty much made the decision the moment he brought her water the day she'd fainted. She'd captured him without ever trying. The past wasn't pretty, it made him feel weak. But maybe...she would understand.
“My mum always used to say that I would save them,” he began slowly. “I learned the piano when I was six and for my eighth Christmas, I got one of my own. She used to say that my talent would save us. My dad, he thought we should have a trade, be butchers like him. Liam and I both loved music. Or, I guess I loved music and Liam loved the idea of music. Anyway, when she died and I still hadn't made the music to save us...well, I wished I had.”
Claire listened quietly.
“I used to go to church and wanted to do the right thing and then, when our music finally started being popular, I felt like I was being pulled down. Liam and I said we'd always walk away if we needed to. But then the time came and he wouldn't go. I couldn't just leave him and it bloody well destroyed me. I got hooked. The music wasn't enough for the world like it was for me. It needed something else...an image. I...didn't fit that until-”
“If you don't want to-”
“It's okay. I just don't even know what to say. Liam was a mess, he was so deep into the drugs and he wasn't there when his baby was born and his wife kicked him out and I wouldn't leave him. I was writing music for him, for us. We couldn't work because of him, then I came home and he'd sold my piano - saying he had to do it for his family. He was going to get clean - move to Australia.” Claire looked up surprised. “Yeah, he's clean. Beautiful daughter and wife. And he sold my soul to get it.”
Charlie looked away, not wanting her to see his tears. Manly rock gods don't cry. He felt a tentative hand on his shoulder anyway.
“It's okay, Charlie.”
“Thanks. I went to see him to try and get the tour started again, but he...well, he wanted to help, but I...couldn't forgive him.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I guess he won't ever know that I want to now. But I don't at the same time.”
“I feel the same way about some people.”
“Yeah? Well, I guess I have a complex is the answer. My mum told me to save people and then I fell even further down, I couldn't save my brother and he ended up leaving me, pushing me down. I wanted to save someone else once. I was such a junkie that I hurt her badly; she told me that I'd never take care of anyone. I guess when I met you I felt like I had another chance. And these dreams are so real, Claire.”
“Locke told me you want to save Aaron because you don't know how to save yourself.”
“No one can save themselves. You can only start in the right direction.”
“I knew you were religious,” she said.
He smiled
“I'm not, not enough, anyway. Maybe someday.”
“I've got your chance,” she said, getting to her feet. “Come with me.”
He got to his feet and she helped him gather his things and they went back to the camp. They dropped his stuff off near her tent and he was mystified when she beckoned him to keep going. They gathered Aaron up from Sun and he was grateful when she and Jin didn't look at him like he was the town pariah. Claire carried Aaron and led him to Eko, standing amidst the middle of the trees he'd been marking when Charlie had talked to him days earlier.
“What are we doing?” Charlie asked.
“This lady wanted to know about baptism,” Eko said. “I think this will ease her mind.”
“I don't even know what it is really,” Claire said.
“When John the Baptist baptized Jesus a dove came down from heaven and this was a sign to John, a sign that he had done his task. Do you know what his task was?”
“He was a...prophet.”
“He was the foreshadow. He prepared the way for the Son of God. The dove showed him that Jesus was this Son.”
“What does that have to do with baptism?”
“It is a sign as well. A sign that one has decided to follow God. It is a sign that what has plagued you from before will not deter your path.”
Charlie listened to the priest and felt like maybe the danger signs hadn't been pointed at Aaron after all. Maybe they had been pointed at him. Because even though he already had been baptized when he was a baby, it hadn't been his choice. Now, his choices were pointing him toward something better than feeling like a failure and turning to things that simply destroyed him.
“Do you think Aaron needs to be baptized?” Claire asked Charlie.
He smiled, fully understanding his dreams for the first time. Finally understanding himself.
“I think I need to be. And if you want to, maybe you could. Aaron can make that choice for himself. And, if you make it now, you can help him when his time comes.”
Claire didn't say anything but Eko turned and melted into the trees, coming back in a few minutes with water in a coconut. Charlie stood still and listened as Eko spoke words he'd heard all his life, but he connected with them now. The water was cool on his forehead. He felt Claire grab his hand and bring herself and Aaron underneath the flow. He smiled.
He'd come through fire and now he was going through water and if ever there was symbolism, it was being embodied in him right now. But for the first time since he'd landed on this island, he didn't feel like he had to prove himself to anyone. There would still be trials, he and Claire had things to work out, he would have to build back trust, but he didn't need to prove anything and his past didn’t matter. His future was now and even if he might always want drugs, might always be small in the eyes of such as John Locke, might never be able to reconcile with his brother, he still had his guitar, his music surging around inside of him, and he had a path and he had them. A family to take care of and be taken care of by. This was his baptism.