BTVS ficlet: Alongside World, Part One: Crying Against What's Faded
Title: Alongside World Part One
By Jesterlady
Rating: PG
Pairing: Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya, mentions of Willow/Tara
Summary: I have been writing this for a long time and finally finished it. It's a Jonathan and Tara friendship fic that involves them wanting to help the issues that plague the rest of the Scoobies. It's sort of the serious version of my fic, Initiation Sigh. The time frame is again sort of relative as it seems to be right after Jonathan's spell in Superstar BTVS S4, but it more involves the S6 situation.
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS. The title from CS Lewis and the part title is from a Caedmon's Call song
Part One: Crying Against What’s Faded by Caedmon's Call
Jonathan felt as though he’d made the biggest mistake of his life. To be quite honest, he wasn’t even sure how it all happened. Yet there he was sitting in the living room, on the couch even, accepted as one of the gang, and totally, completely nervous. When the timid witch had come into his home and confronted him about his magic bone issues and suggested he try to help her and her friends instead, he’d thought she’d gone mad. Or maybe it was some residual effect of the spell he'd cast over the world. Whatever the reason, he'd refused on mere principle, no matter what the little voice inside his head kept saying. No amount of reasons that it came up with, even those involving acceptance, satisfaction, fulfillment, friendship or image, could persuade him. No, apparently only a girl whom he barely knew, who could barely form sentences together could do that.
Jonathan looked around. There were noises and sound and activity going on all around him. He felt invisible. He felt
unneeded. He felt out of place.
“It all takes a bit of g-getting used to,” a quiet voice said from beside him. He almost jumped out of his skin as he
realized Tara had been sitting next to him all along.
“I’m sure it does,” he agreed hastily. Though she was his initiator, so to speak, and though she was kind and gentle,
he was a bit terrified of her.
“N-nobody holds it against you, you know,” she said encouragingly. “The spell. W-we all know it wasn’t for evil
purposes.”
“I still think Buffy’s going to chop me up into little pieces and eat me for breakfast,” he muttered. Tara smiled a little.
“Well, if s-she does, s-she should give me the first bite. I am, after all, the one it i-injured.” Jonathan started. He had
really been hoping she’d forgotten about that. He couldn’t understand why the one person who had suffered physical
injury wasn’t mad at him. Or maybe she was.
“I am sorry about that. I know I was wrong and I guess I…wasn’t thinking. As usual,” he trailed off lamely.
“None of that,” she told him sternly. “E-everybody here has done that more times than I can count. Many more than
you,” she said more to the air than him. “With much worse consequences and attitudes.” Jonathan shifted a little
uncomfortably. As much as he’d always wanted to help Buffy in her mysterious mission, he had a feeling there was
more to this group than met the eye and he didn’t want to get involved. But right then, as Buffy swooped down on him
and pulled him away from Tara’s comforting presence, he guessed it was a little late to run away.
“Jonathan,” Buffy told him as she led him into the kitchen, “I need to talk to you.”
“Sure thing,” he said, shifting from one foot to the other as she leaned against the counter.
“Jonathan, I remember the talk we had right after the spell. I remember the help you gave me during the spell. I
remember the way we both were in high school. I’m glad that Tara reminded me of you. But I need to know you’re
never going to pull a spell like this again. You can’t fix the world through magic. And you can’t mess around with other
people’s lives.” Her face was hard as was her tone of voice, but Jonathan saw exhaustion in her eyes that even her
friends probably didn’t see. Nobody would ever know how well he saw things.
“Buffy, I- I won’t do that again. I don’t really know why I did. I guess I was just so invisible.” He looked down at his
feet. “I guess you know the rest.” Buffy nodded and straightened up.
“I’m familiar with most forms of awkward relating. But this isn’t a cure, Jonathan. All of us here have our own work to do in that department. You have to make that happen by yourself.” With a quick nod of acknowledgment from him,
Buffy headed back to the other room where he heard her ask Spike when he wanted to go on patrol.
Jonathan stood in the kitchen for a few minutes reflecting over the events of the past few years, but mostly the last few
days. It had been three days since he’d, quote on quote, joined the Scoobies and he’d noticed a few things.
Giles was old. Old and bored and unneeded. Buffy managed everything on her own since she quit the Council and
when she needed backup, she had Spike. Giles couldn’t even really help in the research department anymore. His
almost blind eyes had taken his true joy away from him. His constant friend and companion was now a bottle of
scotch. Somehow Jonathan didn’t think that would end in bliss.
Xander was rundown and washed up before the age of twenty-five. He had an okay business going and was married
to Anya, but his own inner demons refused to allow him to enjoy his life. He couldn’t bear the presence of Spike and
constantly bugged Buffy about dusting him. He let his friendship with Willow get in the way of his loyalty to his wife.
But all those were simply because he still felt old grudges and prejudices too much. At least Jonathan thought so.
Spike bore the brunt of those prejudices which obviously ticked him off even though he had his one desire of Buffy.
And even though Jonathan had noticed the illicit affair going on between the Slayer and the vampire, which he
suspected no one except himself, Tara, and maybe Dawn, had deduced was happening, he could see that it did not
make Spike happy. He and Buffy had to hide in the night while her friends treated him like garbage during the day. On
top of which, Jonathan guessed it wasn’t too nice not being able to defend yourself and having to drink pig’s blood
when you were used to ravaging humanity.
Buffy was tired. She needed out of this whole Slayer business. But the only way out was through a casket and she
was too much of a fighter to take that easy route. She’d worked hard since her mother’s death, especially having to
take care of her little sister. She worked two jobs and was a fulltime Slayer and mother and girlfriend. Even if nobody
knew about the last one. Spike helped her all he could, but there was only so much he could do without giving the
game away. Jonathan didn’t even know her that well, but he could see her heart hardening into ice.
Willow, now, there was a frightening sight. The only thing Jonathan could recognize in her was the tendency to
ramble. Willow dominated everything now instead of just the realm of computer knowledge. She whizzed pencils
around everybody’s heads and took control of every conversation and ignored almost everyone unless it sounded like
they had a problem she could fix. Jonathan thought it a touch ironic that the problems she really needed to fix were
the ones she didn’t know were there.
Dawn was a troubled kid. He had heard she didn’t even really exist the way she or anyone else remembered. That
had to bring trauma. In fact she’d begun stealing things. Jonathan didn’t think anyone but he had noticed and, to be
honest, he wasn’t sure what to do about it. She had temper tantrums almost every day and got in Buffy’s way so
constantly as to grab her older sister’s attention that she regularly almost got herself killed.
Anya was an interesting character. She consistently annoyed everyone around her in a desperate bid to fit in and be
like everyone else. Her curiosity and lack of tact were a bad combination, especially around this crowd, Jonathan
thought. She couldn’t seem to understand Xander’s problems and she constantly berated him or urged him to make
more money, probably thinking that would make him happier.
And Tara, well, Tara was a girl who had come from a bad situation to another one. Her family had dominated and
subjected her to abuse and now Willow performed the same function. Tara’s self confidence was almost as low as
Jonathan’s own. Her own growth was stunted by Willow’s need for control and excellence and everyone else’s
problems blinded them to the helpless rage she felt over it. Jonathan felt for her most of all. She’d told him that half
the time Willow never even mentioned the meetings to her, thinking Tara wasn’t needed or that Willow didn’t want to
share her or something like that.
“Are you thinking about what y-you’re getting yourself into?” came that quiet voice behind him. Jonathan jumped
again, roused suddenly from his deep thoughts.
“I don’t really think this is the best place for me.” Tara’s expression showed her agreement.
“I don’t really think this is the right place for anyone. I-I’m sorry I brought you into it. But I thought you shouldn’t be
alone.”
“Thanks,” he offered ruefully. “I think I’ll go home now though. I don’t really see what good I’m doing here.”
“Mind if I walk with you?” she asked shyly. “I’m not needed either.” Jonathan hesitated for a brief second
wondering if Willow would turn him into a grasshopper for intruding on her turf or something, but decided it didn’t
really matter. Even eternity as a grasshopper was better than this.
“I guess,” he said. “If you want to.”
“I would,” she said. “Don’t worry about W-willow. S-she w-won’t even notice I’m gone.” Jonathan smiled a little at
Tara’s perceptiveness. He was glad someone else saw what he saw.
The bright sunshine felt good on his face. Jonathan lifted his eyes to the sky and felt relieved to be out of the
oppressive atmosphere of the Scooby meeting.
“I like sunshine,” Tara reflected beside him. Jonathan heartily agreed.
“I guess sometimes people just don’t remember it’s there anymore,” he thought out loud, forgetting Tara was
beside him. “They become so immersed in themselves, in their fight, they become the monster they’re trying to kill.”
Tara looked at Jonathan in surprise. He smiled ruefully. “I know. Not what they told you I was like. If they even told
you anything, that is. Guess even geeks get a little better over years.”
“I’m i-impressed,” she told him. “It’s hard for me because I can see it, but t-they can’t. I want to help t-them. I just
don’t know how.”
“I don’t know either,” he told her, shrugging his shoulders. “I used to look up to her and her friends so much. I
wanted to be Buffy. Sometimes I didn’t like her. but I always respected her. I can see she’s doing the best she can,
but even the Slayer can’t hold up to this evil.”
“The k-kind that doesn’t come with fangs or slime,” Tara agreed.
“I want to show them. Make them see. But I guess like Buffy said, more spells aren’t the answer.”
“No, definitely not!” Tara agreed so emphatically that there was not even a hint of a stutter.
“But I don’t want to live here. I don’t want to be involved. I don’t want to get worse.”
“It’s not healthy here anymore,” she said sadly. “But I don’t w-want to leave t-them. It doesn’t seem right. Anyway,
t-they’re my f-friends.”
“Of course,” he said. “I don’t think there’s a way that we could not be with the messed up people they are and be
with the normal people they can be.”
“Maybe,” Tara answered, getting a faraway look in her eyes. Jonathan looked at her, wonderingly.
“Um, you have an idea?” he questioned.
“Maybe,” she said again, slowing her stride. They had reached Jonathan’s house. “C-can I talk to you about it
l-later? Maybe there is something we can do. I just want to m-make sure it’s safe.”
“Uh, of course,” he answered. Maybe she would turn him into a toad if he said no. Jonathan was still scared of
her and all witches actually. But she was kind and he felt for her, so he was willing to do whatever she asked.
“I’ll s-see you tomorrow then,” she told him. Jonathan waved goodbye and went inside his house thinking about his afternoon.
By Jesterlady
Rating: PG
Pairing: Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya, mentions of Willow/Tara
Summary: I have been writing this for a long time and finally finished it. It's a Jonathan and Tara friendship fic that involves them wanting to help the issues that plague the rest of the Scoobies. It's sort of the serious version of my fic, Initiation Sigh. The time frame is again sort of relative as it seems to be right after Jonathan's spell in Superstar BTVS S4, but it more involves the S6 situation.
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS. The title from CS Lewis and the part title is from a Caedmon's Call song
Part One: Crying Against What’s Faded by Caedmon's Call
Jonathan felt as though he’d made the biggest mistake of his life. To be quite honest, he wasn’t even sure how it all happened. Yet there he was sitting in the living room, on the couch even, accepted as one of the gang, and totally, completely nervous. When the timid witch had come into his home and confronted him about his magic bone issues and suggested he try to help her and her friends instead, he’d thought she’d gone mad. Or maybe it was some residual effect of the spell he'd cast over the world. Whatever the reason, he'd refused on mere principle, no matter what the little voice inside his head kept saying. No amount of reasons that it came up with, even those involving acceptance, satisfaction, fulfillment, friendship or image, could persuade him. No, apparently only a girl whom he barely knew, who could barely form sentences together could do that.
Jonathan looked around. There were noises and sound and activity going on all around him. He felt invisible. He felt
unneeded. He felt out of place.
“It all takes a bit of g-getting used to,” a quiet voice said from beside him. He almost jumped out of his skin as he
realized Tara had been sitting next to him all along.
“I’m sure it does,” he agreed hastily. Though she was his initiator, so to speak, and though she was kind and gentle,
he was a bit terrified of her.
“N-nobody holds it against you, you know,” she said encouragingly. “The spell. W-we all know it wasn’t for evil
purposes.”
“I still think Buffy’s going to chop me up into little pieces and eat me for breakfast,” he muttered. Tara smiled a little.
“Well, if s-she does, s-she should give me the first bite. I am, after all, the one it i-injured.” Jonathan started. He had
really been hoping she’d forgotten about that. He couldn’t understand why the one person who had suffered physical
injury wasn’t mad at him. Or maybe she was.
“I am sorry about that. I know I was wrong and I guess I…wasn’t thinking. As usual,” he trailed off lamely.
“None of that,” she told him sternly. “E-everybody here has done that more times than I can count. Many more than
you,” she said more to the air than him. “With much worse consequences and attitudes.” Jonathan shifted a little
uncomfortably. As much as he’d always wanted to help Buffy in her mysterious mission, he had a feeling there was
more to this group than met the eye and he didn’t want to get involved. But right then, as Buffy swooped down on him
and pulled him away from Tara’s comforting presence, he guessed it was a little late to run away.
“Jonathan,” Buffy told him as she led him into the kitchen, “I need to talk to you.”
“Sure thing,” he said, shifting from one foot to the other as she leaned against the counter.
“Jonathan, I remember the talk we had right after the spell. I remember the help you gave me during the spell. I
remember the way we both were in high school. I’m glad that Tara reminded me of you. But I need to know you’re
never going to pull a spell like this again. You can’t fix the world through magic. And you can’t mess around with other
people’s lives.” Her face was hard as was her tone of voice, but Jonathan saw exhaustion in her eyes that even her
friends probably didn’t see. Nobody would ever know how well he saw things.
“Buffy, I- I won’t do that again. I don’t really know why I did. I guess I was just so invisible.” He looked down at his
feet. “I guess you know the rest.” Buffy nodded and straightened up.
“I’m familiar with most forms of awkward relating. But this isn’t a cure, Jonathan. All of us here have our own work to do in that department. You have to make that happen by yourself.” With a quick nod of acknowledgment from him,
Buffy headed back to the other room where he heard her ask Spike when he wanted to go on patrol.
Jonathan stood in the kitchen for a few minutes reflecting over the events of the past few years, but mostly the last few
days. It had been three days since he’d, quote on quote, joined the Scoobies and he’d noticed a few things.
Giles was old. Old and bored and unneeded. Buffy managed everything on her own since she quit the Council and
when she needed backup, she had Spike. Giles couldn’t even really help in the research department anymore. His
almost blind eyes had taken his true joy away from him. His constant friend and companion was now a bottle of
scotch. Somehow Jonathan didn’t think that would end in bliss.
Xander was rundown and washed up before the age of twenty-five. He had an okay business going and was married
to Anya, but his own inner demons refused to allow him to enjoy his life. He couldn’t bear the presence of Spike and
constantly bugged Buffy about dusting him. He let his friendship with Willow get in the way of his loyalty to his wife.
But all those were simply because he still felt old grudges and prejudices too much. At least Jonathan thought so.
Spike bore the brunt of those prejudices which obviously ticked him off even though he had his one desire of Buffy.
And even though Jonathan had noticed the illicit affair going on between the Slayer and the vampire, which he
suspected no one except himself, Tara, and maybe Dawn, had deduced was happening, he could see that it did not
make Spike happy. He and Buffy had to hide in the night while her friends treated him like garbage during the day. On
top of which, Jonathan guessed it wasn’t too nice not being able to defend yourself and having to drink pig’s blood
when you were used to ravaging humanity.
Buffy was tired. She needed out of this whole Slayer business. But the only way out was through a casket and she
was too much of a fighter to take that easy route. She’d worked hard since her mother’s death, especially having to
take care of her little sister. She worked two jobs and was a fulltime Slayer and mother and girlfriend. Even if nobody
knew about the last one. Spike helped her all he could, but there was only so much he could do without giving the
game away. Jonathan didn’t even know her that well, but he could see her heart hardening into ice.
Willow, now, there was a frightening sight. The only thing Jonathan could recognize in her was the tendency to
ramble. Willow dominated everything now instead of just the realm of computer knowledge. She whizzed pencils
around everybody’s heads and took control of every conversation and ignored almost everyone unless it sounded like
they had a problem she could fix. Jonathan thought it a touch ironic that the problems she really needed to fix were
the ones she didn’t know were there.
Dawn was a troubled kid. He had heard she didn’t even really exist the way she or anyone else remembered. That
had to bring trauma. In fact she’d begun stealing things. Jonathan didn’t think anyone but he had noticed and, to be
honest, he wasn’t sure what to do about it. She had temper tantrums almost every day and got in Buffy’s way so
constantly as to grab her older sister’s attention that she regularly almost got herself killed.
Anya was an interesting character. She consistently annoyed everyone around her in a desperate bid to fit in and be
like everyone else. Her curiosity and lack of tact were a bad combination, especially around this crowd, Jonathan
thought. She couldn’t seem to understand Xander’s problems and she constantly berated him or urged him to make
more money, probably thinking that would make him happier.
And Tara, well, Tara was a girl who had come from a bad situation to another one. Her family had dominated and
subjected her to abuse and now Willow performed the same function. Tara’s self confidence was almost as low as
Jonathan’s own. Her own growth was stunted by Willow’s need for control and excellence and everyone else’s
problems blinded them to the helpless rage she felt over it. Jonathan felt for her most of all. She’d told him that half
the time Willow never even mentioned the meetings to her, thinking Tara wasn’t needed or that Willow didn’t want to
share her or something like that.
“Are you thinking about what y-you’re getting yourself into?” came that quiet voice behind him. Jonathan jumped
again, roused suddenly from his deep thoughts.
“I don’t really think this is the best place for me.” Tara’s expression showed her agreement.
“I don’t really think this is the right place for anyone. I-I’m sorry I brought you into it. But I thought you shouldn’t be
alone.”
“Thanks,” he offered ruefully. “I think I’ll go home now though. I don’t really see what good I’m doing here.”
“Mind if I walk with you?” she asked shyly. “I’m not needed either.” Jonathan hesitated for a brief second
wondering if Willow would turn him into a grasshopper for intruding on her turf or something, but decided it didn’t
really matter. Even eternity as a grasshopper was better than this.
“I guess,” he said. “If you want to.”
“I would,” she said. “Don’t worry about W-willow. S-she w-won’t even notice I’m gone.” Jonathan smiled a little at
Tara’s perceptiveness. He was glad someone else saw what he saw.
The bright sunshine felt good on his face. Jonathan lifted his eyes to the sky and felt relieved to be out of the
oppressive atmosphere of the Scooby meeting.
“I like sunshine,” Tara reflected beside him. Jonathan heartily agreed.
“I guess sometimes people just don’t remember it’s there anymore,” he thought out loud, forgetting Tara was
beside him. “They become so immersed in themselves, in their fight, they become the monster they’re trying to kill.”
Tara looked at Jonathan in surprise. He smiled ruefully. “I know. Not what they told you I was like. If they even told
you anything, that is. Guess even geeks get a little better over years.”
“I’m i-impressed,” she told him. “It’s hard for me because I can see it, but t-they can’t. I want to help t-them. I just
don’t know how.”
“I don’t know either,” he told her, shrugging his shoulders. “I used to look up to her and her friends so much. I
wanted to be Buffy. Sometimes I didn’t like her. but I always respected her. I can see she’s doing the best she can,
but even the Slayer can’t hold up to this evil.”
“The k-kind that doesn’t come with fangs or slime,” Tara agreed.
“I want to show them. Make them see. But I guess like Buffy said, more spells aren’t the answer.”
“No, definitely not!” Tara agreed so emphatically that there was not even a hint of a stutter.
“But I don’t want to live here. I don’t want to be involved. I don’t want to get worse.”
“It’s not healthy here anymore,” she said sadly. “But I don’t w-want to leave t-them. It doesn’t seem right. Anyway,
t-they’re my f-friends.”
“Of course,” he said. “I don’t think there’s a way that we could not be with the messed up people they are and be
with the normal people they can be.”
“Maybe,” Tara answered, getting a faraway look in her eyes. Jonathan looked at her, wonderingly.
“Um, you have an idea?” he questioned.
“Maybe,” she said again, slowing her stride. They had reached Jonathan’s house. “C-can I talk to you about it
l-later? Maybe there is something we can do. I just want to m-make sure it’s safe.”
“Uh, of course,” he answered. Maybe she would turn him into a toad if he said no. Jonathan was still scared of
her and all witches actually. But she was kind and he felt for her, so he was willing to do whatever she asked.
“I’ll s-see you tomorrow then,” she told him. Jonathan waved goodbye and went inside his house thinking about his afternoon.