RTA: A Sea of Language Part One
Title: A Sea of Language
Rating: G
Pairing: Felicity King/Gus Pike
Summary: Felicity King and Gus Pike exchange letters throughout their engagement while he is sailing to Jamaica to uncover the truth about his past and parentage and she is going to medical school. When word comes to her that Gus has died at sea, Felicity sets out to find him, believing he is still alive.
Disclaimer: I don't own Road to Avonlea. The title is by Eugene Peterson. A least one section of the letters is from the actual show.
I know I might be the only one to need this. I've been watching this show since I was a child and never really minded how inconsistent and plot-hole filled the show was because it was so tinged with nostalgia. Watching it as an adult through someone else's eyes helped me see that though I will never stop loving it, I'd love for it to make a bit more sense!
In S6 when Gus sails to find Captain Crane with his mother, she's literally never mentioned again in the show. It really needed to be dealt with, and the answers he was looking for from him past.
Now if Ezekiel Crane were involved, I think that would have definitely helped expedite matters to find him! And as much as Stuart was a good man, I would much rather Felicity's story not have to involve another man making her feel better (even if Gus is totally endgame!). Plus, I hope this helps explain more the sudden drop of her career as a doctor.
Oh and, of course, helps explain exactly why Felix randomly suddenly decides to go to sea and in a way that doesn't complete ignore his relationship with Izzy.
A Sea of Language
Part One
March 1909
Dear Felicity,
You know it was just a few hours since we left port and I’m already writing ya. I’m hoping it might help me finally believe everything that’s happened. It was the craziest week of my life and I’ve had some adventures as you know.
I look at my ma and I can’t believe she’s really there. My whole life she’s been a fuzzy memory, something nice to believe in, but nothing I could really hold on to. She’s sleeping now and it’s a bit sad how that’s the only time she looks happy. I don’t know what happened to her but every time I think about it, I see red and have to cool down. She was a bit jumpy at first but I’m glad she’s sleeping. I can’t wait to get to Jamaica and find Captain Crane and find out what he knows. It’s finally here, a chance to find out who I really am, to know what I come from, for the first time in my life. Everything else was a lie. Even the people I thought I could count on, like the Captain, he still somehow lied to me.
But I’ve got weeks ahead of me to think about it before it will happen. In the meantime, I hope I can get pieces from my ma or at least help her feel better.
I’m not nearly as anxious about all of this as I thought I would be though, and that’s cause of you. Honest to God truth, I know whatever comes, I’ll be okay, because Felicity King agreed to marry me. Writing it makes it so, and it’s there in black and white for the world to see, an impossible dream come true. You made me happy, more than that, I can’t describe how you make me feel in general and today in particular.
I’m glad we got a chance to talk things out and I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to do it more. But now we got our whole lives to talk and know each other, right? I want to fix this not just to know my past but so I can stop wondering about it and concentrate on our future together. I think it works out because you can go to school now and when I come back we can figure it out together. I’m real glad the school let you keep going without any fuss.
My ma is stirring so I’m gonna stop writing now but I’ll write often. Being a passenger on a ship is lot different to working on one. Too much time on your hands. I guess you can tell your aunt I’m working on my penmanship since she worked so hard to teach it to me. I can write and post the letters when we put into port. I’ll let you know best as I can how to write back. Shipping line is likely the best way though cause I can check in the office at the ports.
Yours,
Gus
March 1909
Dear Gus,
Do you remember the day Captain Crane gave you the ruby ring and when you played your fiddle with it on your finger, it sparkled so in the sunshine? I am reminded of that day because as I sit here writing to you, the sun is shining through my window and the shine from the gem keeps distracting me.
I am wearing your ring now and I will wear it forever and just as you can’t believe it’s finally true, neither can I. Things between us always seemed so unsettled and now I can rest and focus on other things because I know where we stand. I do still think of you often and pray for your safety as you travel, but I can concentrate on school knowing that our future is secure.
You might have too much time on your hands being a passenger, but I have absolutely zero time. Everything I thought I knew about medicine is being swept away with each new book I have to read and test I have to perform. There’s so much work involved, and I barely have time to sleep and eat, let alone write to anyone. If I were able to travel home, I would spend most of my time studying and avoiding well-meaning but mostly gossip-hunting visits from the likes of Eulalie Bugle!
You will have to write for both of us, though I know you also have your hands full tending to your mother. I hope she remains calm, though I’m sure a sea voyage is probably stressful for someone who is not quite sure what is happening. In my spare time, (of which there is none!) I have devoted my studying to people with her kind of mental condition in hopes I can pass on any wisdom. Unfortunately, there is not a lot to be had that doesn’t involve methods of which I’m not sure I approve.
But I will send whatever I can in hopes of making your relationship with her progress more smoothly.
I pray you have a speedy and safe voyage and that when you reach Jamaica, you are able to find Captain Crane easily and can find so many of the answers you need.
Just know I will be waiting here for you.
Yours,
Felicity
April 1909
Dear Felicity,
Reading your letter was the best part of my day, that’s for sure. It’s been real choppy so far and I don’t get sea sick but my ma has and that doesn’t help her state of mind. I spend most of my time trying to make sure she stays out of the way of the lads working or tending her when she’s feeling poorly. She doesn’t confuse me anymore with the Captain, I don’t think. She calls me, ‘my boy,’ most of the time, and it makes me feel a bit sad inside even though I like hearing it. You can see behind her eyes, there’s a whole person in there just trying to talk, but it comes out in nonsense half the time. Makes me want to wring my pa’s neck and anyone else who helped. But I’m trying to keep calm now and focus on waiting for those answers.
It helps some to be able to spend time looking out at the water and not hurrying to do some bit of work. I’ve helped them out a bit here and there, but then I get to just sit and think and it does the spirit good when the water is clear and blue, even with the waves riding high.
But I miss you and wish you were here and I think about you most of all.
I had to arrange for someone to look after my ma and run off the ship as we were only making a real brief detour to drop off some packages special order. I wasn’t sure I would find a treasure, but I did, your letter! A little worse for wear, but it got to me.
I know you’re working hard and I want to say even though I haven’t always been the most understanding about school, I’m real proud of you for sticking to it and for standing tall under the pressure. You’re amazing, you’re even trying to help me and my ma from a distance. Tenacious and stubborn as all get out as Miss King would say. But that’s my girl. I appreciate all your book learning wisdom.
We’re real close and I’ll write you again when we get there as it’s not likely we’ll make another stop.
Wear that ruby and make her shine!
Yours,
Gus
April 1909
Dear Gus,
Your last letter was brown and dried like it had been dropped in the sea. Do you think that happens often, letters flying away in the wind and being recovered, hoping they are still decipherable once they reach their destination?
I am glad you’ve almost reached Jamaica. In fact, I imagine, you will already be there once this letter reaches you. I admit, it’s a little nerve-wracking to know you’re somewhere on the ocean and I couldn’t reach you if something were to happen. I felt that way more than once after you left Avonlea, but I stubbornly didn’t want to admit it because then it meant remembering you were out of my life.
But now you are only temporarily absent, and I have more than enough to deal with here. I have passed my first exams and while I did not do as well as I often did in school growing up, I am still somehow prouder of these results than of every high mark Aunt Hetty gave me. I was very proud of them at the time, competing with Andrew at every turn, lauding my intelligence over Felix, and secretly being very jealous of Sara’s composition skills.
I miss her a lot but even if I were home, she’s spent quite a lot of time in Montreal lately and so we wouldn’t be able to be close as we used to be. I have not had time to find many friends here as school and study take up all my time. As you can imagine there are no other women in my classes and though Rachel Lynde personally recommended a few people she knows distantly in these foreign parts, I have not had a chance to do much but exchange a few polite remarks with them at Sunday services. For a woman who condemns traveling, I am amazed at how many people she knows outside of the Island.
I must wrap up soon and attend to my studies, but I wanted to say I’m glad you’ve had time to reflect and spend time with your mother, even though I know it is harder than it ought to be. I may be sticking to my schooling, but you are sticking to your family, and that makes me proud to be the woman you will marry.
Be careful in Jamaica and let me know you arrived safely. I have a lot of people back in Avonlea constantly bombarding me with questions of your safety. Felix sends his regards and my parents and aunts send their love…as do I.
Yours,
Felicity
May 1909
Dear Felicity,
Well, we’re here and safely, so wanted to let you know that straight off. I got your letter but I’m a bit surprised since you’re right, letters often get mislaid and destroyed on their way. God’s watching out for our writing, that’s for sure.
We’re in Kingston and it’s the likeliest place to find the Captain so here we’re likely to stay for a while. It’s busy and full of people as ships stop here all the time. Jamaica’s a stopping point for a lot of ships coming from Africa and the far East. People don’t have a lot in some places, a hurricane tore the place up pretty bad a few years back. It can make finding what you’re looking for difficult.
It’s also real warm, more than PEI ever gets. I’ve been places like this before so it was like stepping into a memory, coming back, but I think my ma is finding it a bit hard to get used to. She’s clinging to my arm most of the time when we go out and about. It’s not easy because I can’t leave her by herself and now we’re not in a confined space like the ship, I don’t want her to run off. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t want to leave me, but it does make things like finding the Captain even harder.
I think she’ll be better in a few days once she gets used to it, but I’m trying to be patient and put my burning desire to get answers on hold. But since we’re here, I’m even more anxious to find him. I gotta face the facts though, it might be a long time afore I do.
But I’ll keep reaching out to you and let you know my progress.
I’m glad you passed your exams and that you’re doing well, even though it’s hard. Maybe it works out real well that I’m not there to bother you all the time. I miss you though. Now that I’m back on firm ground, it seems harder to know we’re apart. But you keep working hard and I’m cheering for ya. But rest sometimes, I hope. It wouldn’t do for the doctor herself to get sick cause she worked too hard.
Tell Felix hello and all the folks and I’m real grateful they’re asking about me. Tell me more news about them if you can!
Yours,
Gus
June 1909
Dear Gus,
I am relieved that you got there safely. But now I need to be worried about scoundrels and ruffians though I know you can take care of yourself. I guess I will just need to worry about you until you are again where I can see you.
I do so hope your mother acclimates soon. Remember to drink as much water as you can and to make sure that it’s clean water. I’m horrified by all that I read of the diseases one can contract from drinking contaminated water.
I also wish you luck on your search and will pray that it is concluded speedily. For both selfish and unselfish reasons. But no matter what, I know how important this is to you and I’m glad you have the opportunity to see this through, no matter how long it takes.
I assure you, I rest as much as I am able, but I’ve always been a hard worker and never needed much sleep. My studies tell me that will change the older I get, so I am glad that I am still young. The work is still hard, but you will be happy to know that I did have a break.
I went home after my exams at my parent’s insistence and because I needed to work more in order to be able to pay for the next part of my schooling. I think that is the most maddening part, knowing that I will have to do this in fits and starts and not just go straight through. But I am glad Miss Stacy keeps a position open for me at the store.
It was hard at first to find myself in Avonlea, but I quickly rediscovered that though it is a different kind of work, there is still so much to do! Besides working at the store, I’m keeping up with my studies, and helping out with the chores on the farm. Or rather, keeping after Felix to do his chores.
Speaking of which, he was being ridiculous lately because he’d received a secret love letter and I wouldn’t help him answer it. I really didn’t have the time. It all worked out in the end, as Sara was home and helped him. Of course, then it turned into rather a complicated mess as such things do in Avonlea. I believe Izzy was the person writing the letter (also with help from Sara!) but Felix mistakenly thought it was someone from the hotel, and it ended up with Aunt Hetty on the warpath thinking that Sara was running off with Arthur Pettibone! I thought you might find that amusing.
In actuality, Sara is going to school in Paris! I must admit, I’m rather jealous of her opportunity, but I am glad for her. She will finally be on her own without either Aunt Hetty or her Nanny Louisa interfering in her life. But she will be in Paris and so far away from either of her homes and I will miss her so much.
We are all so spread out now, Gus. I am home only half the time, Sara in Europe, poor Cecily is at the sanitorium, you’re traveling. Even Sally Potts went away to school.
Perhaps it is being back home that is making me feel so nostalgic. Either way, I miss you and I cannot wait until you’re finally home again.
Yours, Felicity
July 1909
Dear Felicity,
I hardly know where to begin so I think I’ll start by responding to your news, but I warn ya, this letter is likely to be longer than most.
I’m real glad you got a break and can be home again. I think of those red cliffs sometimes in my dreams. I know I was born on that land and even though I spent so much of my life traveling and somewhere else, I am glad it’s my home, too.
You deserve all the rest you can get, but I know it’s hard to not be able to keep doing what you want to do. I sure wish I could help you with paying for all that. We’ll talk about it, I know, but at least when we’re married, it will be my job to help.
So Felix and Izzy are finally realizing things? Well, I hope that works out for them, though it sounds like it might take a bit of time.
That’s grand for Sara, she sure deserves to get some freedom and learning, and time to do all the things she wants to do. She was as firm a part of Avonlea as any other, but you could always tell she was destined for great things. Give her my best when you talk to her and to everyone else. Your folks are the best people I know and I’m missing your family.
But I miss you most of all.
And now to my news. The short version is I found him. It was weeks before I did and I was beginning to lose hope or think he’d moved on somewhere else. All the sailors I talked to and the messages I’d sent didn’t appear to have gotten here. We were safe, despite your ruffians and scoundrels, but the searching was wearing thin on me. My ma was anxious, too. I think she felt it from me.
But one day, a fella came off a ship and I asked him about the Captain and he told me where he was lodging. So I took my ma and off we went. I didn’t know if it’d be too much for either of them, but I couldn’t leave her by herself.
I was real nervous knocking on the door and when it opened, he took one look at me and her and stumbled back like somebody’d shot him.
He waved us in and we sat in his small place and she was crying and clinging to me like anything. He just kept looking at us both like we were ghosts.
I asked him if he’d known she was alive and he swears he didn’t. I do believe him now, but I had a hard time believing it at first. He’d told me once how he dug my ma’s grave. How could he have done that and not known? But he told me when my pa told him she was dead, he’d dug the grave and not gone to the funeral. He’d never seen her since he’d promised her he’d watch out for me cause my pa was real jealous.
He was watching her the whole time he talked, like a hungry man, and he asked me in a shaking voice to tell him about her. I told him our story and he got real mad, squeezing his chair hard. But then he grew real gentle and knelt down on the floor beside where she was clinging to me. She’d been hiding her face the whole time, like her whole self couldn’t believe it neither.
He called her Eliza and it was just like…like she opened up. She stopped hiding and she was almost normal. She hugged him and they were both crying. I didn’t know what to do so I backed off, but then she reached out for me and presented me like to him. She told him that this was her boy and the Captain nodded, saying he knew.
I can’t deny I was crying myself. I asked him, dared to ask him, showing him the pictures I found under the pulpit stones, if he was my pa.
He said nay and there was a large part of me that was disappointed. Coming from the Captain would be a lot better than the likes of Abraham Pike even if it would have been wrong. He got passionate though, telling me that what he said was true, that he loved my ma, but he knew she loved my pa, and he wouldn’t sully that, and the picture of him was given before they got married. Afterwards, well, we all know what happened afterwards with my pa, but even then the Captain didn’t want to treat her so wrong when she was married. The Captain guesses that my pa was jealous and when my ma got sick, he told everyone she died so he could put her in that home and she was too sick to know better. And we don’t know what would have happened since he went to jail and neither he nor the Captain could take care of me.
We’re thinking that the sickness did something to her mind that got worse being in that place. He looks sad when he looks at her, but he is also gentle. She talks to him more than to me, maybe cause the sight of him is more familiar.
My pa has the only answers left but neither of us want to go tracking him down. It ain’t worth it. The Captain’s been more of a pa to me the short time I’ve spent with him anyway. In fact, he even told me so, that I was like his son. I tell ya, it made me feel powerfully happy inside.
But now we gotta figure things out. We keep talking and he tells me more and she feels a bit better being here, I can tell. But we don’t rightly know what to do. I think it’s best I stay here a while. The Captain says he’ll take care of her the rest of his days and never wants to be away from her and maybe she’ll keep getting better, but I don’t know as she’ll ever be fully right. I don’t want to leave her or him.
But I ache to see you and I know you’re my future. As long as you’re okay being without me, I’m gonna set up shop here. The Captain still has what he tricked Boren out of, but he lives simply. I’d like to get some work at the ports anyway though cause my own funds are limited.
I gotta think about all this anyway. It’s a lot of work and suddenly being with the two of them and knowing what could have been, it makes me feel a lot of things I don’t know how to name. I don’t suppose I would have been born if my ma had just chosen the Captain over my pa, but she might not be so poorly and he might not have had to grieve so long. I kinda wish he’d fought harder for her or rescued her or me. I know he’s done a lot for me, given me the first home I ever had, but I still feel angry sometimes.
Sorry, that’s a lot to write and put on you, but I know you would want to know what happened. And I gotta get used to telling you all the things inside. I’m just sorry I couldn’t give you a better family to join, like yours.
I know now a bit more, but there’s still part of me that wishes for something different.
But the one thing I never doubt is you. So, I’m thinking of you.
Yours, Gus
September 1909
Dear Gus,
I’ve been trying to process your news for a while now. In fact, I set aside the letter, wanting to think, to give you my truest advice, not an emotional reaction.
Because I feel so sad for you, that this has been your life. That you didn’t grow up as I did, secure in knowing who you are and with a family. But it makes me even sadder to think that you feel bad you cannot give me a family to join. Because it’s not about that, Gus. I’m marrying you. I don’t care where you come from. I know it may have seemed so years ago and I blush at some of the ways I used to treat you, but please know now, from my heart, how honored I am to marry you. You are the most honorable man I’ve ever met.
And your family is honorable as well. Your mother and your true father are honorable people, despite how frightened of him I sometimes was as a child. I am so glad you know most of the truth now, even though I am sure that it is even harder for you to process than it has been for me.
I wish I were there with you, to help you through this. I am proud of you though and think it right you spend more time with them, helping them acclimate to a new life with each other. I don’t suppose…well, is it indelicate to ask what their plans are considering your parents are still married? I know you don’t want to track down your father, but at some point, will it be necessary?
I am sorry, that is likely far ahead of what you are thinking and feeling and likely to cause more stress. Just rest assured that you can stay there as long as you need to without fearing wrath from me. Though I shall not be afraid to say that I will miss you and will welcome you home at any time.
My heart goes out to your mother, having so many surprises. I am including some information I hope will be helpful to you both in helping her. Please make sure to get some rest, especially now that Captain Crane can help you.
I am still in Avonlea though set to leave again shortly. I stayed later than I wanted to since my parents and Miss Stacy were away and I needed some more funds. In fact, mostly what I ended up doing was curtailing Felix’s harebrained schemes for a fox farm and realizing that my brother is more grown up than I had realized. Yet he still needs a lot of looking after. Luckily, Izzy appears to be up to the task!
I have heard from Sara and she is settled into her new classes and loving it immensely. She sends her love and wanted me to tell you she was so glad you had the opportunity to rediscover your past. I will, of course, keep everything you’ve told me in confidence unless you wish it to be known.
I am strangely reluctant to return to the hard grind of school, but a large part of me is excited to have more meaningful employment again and to know that it is a worthy goal to accomplish while you are away. Pray for me though that I am up to the task as I pray for you under the emotions and strain you are under.
Write again soon.
Yours,
Felicity
October 1909
Dear Felicity,
You know I was yours from the moment I saw ya? But over the years it’s only been more true that I love you and I’m so glad you’ll be mine. You really comforted me with your letter. Because this is hard, really hard, and I don’t have many people to talk to that aren’t right in the thick of it with me. I guess my real concern with my family is that I don’t want to drag you down with me into this mess. But I’m thankful you want to go through this with me. It helps more than you know.
Your help for my ma is so appreciated, too. Modern methods sure work a treat. It works real well for her and it’s amazing to see her act more comfortable around us and in general. I also think it’s being with the Captain, like she’s living in the past, and the past is when she felt whole. I know it’s not the right thing exactly, them being together with my pa alive and all of that, but if there’s one thing the Reverends Leonard and Fitzsimmons taught me it’s that God’s grace is bigger than our situations. The Captain wouldn’t do anything indecent and my ma couldn’t have a regular marriage now as it is. So I hope you feel okay with that cause I think that’s the way it’s gotta be. The Captain and I have been talking and once I’m on my way he’ll take my ma and hire some folk to help take care of her and be in the house so as to make things a bit more proper and it will be a help.
I’ll be here a bit longer, I think, but I’m anxious to start making my way home. My old shipping line might have a job for me, but I’ll need to work my way back so it will be longer than my trip here even. The Captain offered to pay my passage home, but I don’t feel quite right taking that. I almost feel like I need to be paying him to take care of my ma. It’s a lot.
I’m glad you’re getting back to new schooling. Let me know how it’s going. I can understand it would be hard to plunge back into that considering how much hard work it was. But you can do it, more so than anyone else could.
Ah, Felix. The boy is brilliant, but he does need some reining in and it’s real good he’s got such a good friend and family to help him out. But I do think he’ll do something great.
As for Sara, well, of course she’ll do well at whatever she does. You know I don’t mind if she knows about my parents. I think she knows more about my pa than even you do after that scare we had the last time I saw him. I imagine everyone else is real curious, too. I would be! I think your family does deserve to know what their daughter is getting into, but I admit it does make me feel a bit shamed to know where I come from. But your folks are kind and honest and if it weren’t for Miss King, I’d be who knows where doing who knows what. So long as it’s your family, you can let them know if they want to know. Maybe once I’m home you and I can tell the details to them, but you can for sure let them know I found Captain Crane and my ma is doing better.
I’ll let you know when I’m on my way back but hope to hear from you soon anyway.
Yours,
Gus
November 1909
Dear Gus,
I’m sorry it’s been so long, and I feel I’ve hardly had time to write. But you can be proud of me, for I have finished my first year of schooling! I’m not sure how I managed it, but I am so happy that I did. It has been a very long year, mostly because I have been alone and you have been gone, but also because I was working so hard for most of it.
I am one of a very few women who have gotten this far and so no matter what happens next, I have accomplished something.
So now I can do nothing but work and wait for my final grades to come in. I am back home and I find myself feeling a little bit at a loss. I am working at the store, of course, and I am keeping my memory fresh by helping Dr. Jones as much as I am able. It is actually refreshing and helpful to practice what I have learned with someone who understands how hard it is and values my help rather than hurling thinly veiled comments at me every chance they get about how I can’t do this as well as a man!
I can’t tell you how glad I am that your mother is doing better and that even a small part of that is due to what I’ve learned. It also makes everything I’ve accomplished worth something. God’s grace is on her and you and I have only begun to learn what means. I do understand their situation is entirely unique and I’m sure so long as they take precautions, there would be nothing untoward about their living arrangements. I just pray that everything will work out well and she will continue to improve every day. Selfishly I hope so because every day she is better, is a day closer to you returning to me.
I understand your need to pay your own way, but do not be afraid to forge bonds of obligation between you and Captain Crane. You are family now, whether you are blood or not.
I will definitely ease my family’s mind regarding your search, but I will reserve details from all but Sara at this time until you come home. It would do well to be with them as an engaged couple and welcome you into our family truly.
I expect to be at home for several months as school will not start for a while and I must see if I can go back when it starts again.
Yours,
Felicity
Christmas 1909
Dear Felicity,
Happy Christmas, Felicity. It’s not quite so festive here as at home, but we make do. I think my ma and the Captain enjoyed themselves as did I.
Well, this will be my last letter from Jamaica. I’ve hired work at the shipping line though I don’t know which boat it will be yet. Likely the next time I write it will be from the sea herself. Best to go back to writing care of the shipping line, I think. I doubt I’ll have as much time for writing this time since I’ll be working but it will be good to get back to the water. There’s nothing quite like the feeling.
In Jamaica the sea is an impossible blue. The days are like the most perfect days of summer and at their ends, the sun sinks into changing colours beyond my words to describe. The days are shorter, though, than our summer days of home and my evenings feel so long. Especially when I think of you.
I might be getting impertinent here, but I dream of you, Felicity. Your eyes and your hair and everything else about you. When we’re married you’ll finally be mine to kiss and hold tight and that’s what I think about these long evenings.
It’s gonna be hard to leave though. The Captain and I have been talking to my ma regularly, trying to make sure she knows what’s coming and can understand. I think she gets it sometimes and then others, I don’t know. But she’s been clinging to me a bit more lately and that makes me think she knows I’m leaving. It’s strange to think of leaving her when I’ve only just found her but I look at the two of them and how happy he makes her and I feel I’m doing right.
Besides, I think I can come and visit her maybe sometime while you’re in school? You’re my priority now so I want to make sure we set things straight between us as to what we want, but it does seem like your education is coming at the best time for something like this.
On the other hand, mayhap they’ll want to move a bit closer to home now. Leastways, I’ve tried to put that bug in his ear. I think my ma would be more comfortable on PEI and Avonlea’s close to the sea. Then I could help take care of them. But, of course, we’ll figure out where you and I end up, too. I think about it and there’s so much we never talked about before. Me, always assuming things.
Assuming you wouldn’t want to do things like go to medical school. But you are and you finished your first year. That’s grand, Felicity! I’m proud of all you accomplished and happy for you, too. You’ve done real well and should be proud of yourself as you are. I’m glad you’re getting a bit of a break though. I get the feeling I’ll be just getting back once you go back yourself, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ve no doubt you’ll go back. Helping Dr. Jones will only spur ya on.
I appreciate you wanting to tell your family and we’ll do that together, like we can do everything from now on. I’ll be leaving soon.
Yours,
Gus
February 1910
Dear Gus,
I’ve been having a hard time writing because I am so sad right now and I just don’t know what to do or think or feel.
In fact, I’m a complete mess and I just wish you were here. I’m so glad you’re on your way back.
I guess it started when I got my grades back from school and I did really well, but I missed the deadline for registration, and they gave away my spot to someone else. I was devastated and felt like such a failure to miss something so simple. I was already going to have to pursue this through fits and starts and now to be delayed an entire semester for no real reason! On the other hand, I got a new opportunity. Dr. Snow heard about what happened and offered me a position in his office to help keep me on track for the next year. I was grateful and excited. It did mean I had to give up my job in the store, but Miss Stacy was gracious about it and supportive as she always is. It also meant that instead of having to travel so far to help Dr. Jones, I could be right here in Avonlea.
It also, I admit, made me imagine that you and I might be able to be married sooner since I wouldn’t be at school, but I wanted to wait and ask you about it, of course.
It was different than I imagined because Dr. Snow was so different than my teachers at school. It felt very…backwards. I know he’s a good man and does good work, but I thought I was going to get to witness the miracles of medicine and instead found myself cleaning Gurney Macdonald’s old tooth! I started to question myself, what it was I was working toward. I knew I couldn’t handle a country practice, but where else could I establish myself? A university teacher or researcher who was a woman would not be accepted yet. Besides, there was you and my family to consider. It just was overwhelming, and I felt disillusioned about all the dreams I’d built up.
I love the researching, I love the experimenting, but the actual work of helping people…well, it’s hard.
And then everything happened.
I can’t remember if you ever met my friend Colleen. We were so close when I was younger, probably before you came to Avonlea, and she was a true friend. She was always genuine and kind and fun-hearted, even when I was not. She moved away from Avonlea, but after her marriage she came back. She was pregnant with her and Seth’s first child.
I was so happy to see her back in Avonlea and she was so happy to be back. But, Gus, the child came and lived, and Colleen did not. I was there, I was the one helping her, and I just don’t know if I can bear the guilt and the fear of those moments. There was a horrible accident and Dr. Snow was busy helping when Colleen went into labor. He sent me ahead to help her and she was much worse than the baby you and I helped Dr. Jones with. Dr. Snow did arrive before the baby was born and I had to clear the child’s lungs while he worked on Colleen but…but it was terrifying. We did it and the baby lived.
I feel ashamed to admit it, but I just don’t know if I can go back to school. All the joy I felt at helping people, all the excitement of learning, all the accomplishment, it’s all faded now in the back of my mind, a poor dream in the wake of cruel reality.
Oh, I need your advice and your comfort. I also need distraction from the thoughts that keep plaguing me, running the night over and over in my mind. What could I have done differently before he got there to make sure the dyspepsia didn’t claim her life?
I am sorry to overwhelm you with this when I know there is nothing you can do at the moment, but just knowing you know somewhere out there, are thinking of me and praying for me, is more than anything else right now.
My family doesn’t want me to give up on a dream or fail or besmirch the King family name, but they just don’t understand. My mother, in particular, after being so slow to understand my desire to go to school, is now dead set against me dropping out.
I am sorry you had to leave your mother and hope she continues well and that you’ve heard from Captain Crane about how they are. How wonderful it would be to have them near us! I know there is much we need to talk about and this will have to be part of it now.
I will wait to pour out more of my woes until I can do so in person.
Hurry home.
Yours,
Felicity
February 1910
Dear Felicity,
It pains me to think of being so far away from you when you’re hurting so bad. I’m so sorry you’re going through that and had to lose your friend. I’d give anything right now to be able to wrap you in my arms and never let you go.
I’m hurrying to you though, I promise. I’m on a ship called the Maid of Calais and we’ve put into Charleston, South Carolina for boiler repairs. Might be a good thing as I never would have got your letter so soon otherwise and been able to reply right away. I think we should be on our way by the end of the month, but I won’t rest easy until we do.
Judging from your letter it seems like you were a bit uneasy about being a doctor before you lost her, which helps me think this isn’t just a reaction to a tragedy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, done it myself a time or two. But I just want you to be real sure about what you want. I’ll back anything you need or want, you can be sure, but perhaps you need a bit of time to contemplate what that is. Maybe it was a stroke of Providence, you missing the registration like that since now you do have some time set aside to think and pray and we can talk when I get there.
I’m not pushing you one way or the other, mind. I just don’t want you to give up on a dream unless you’re sure. I remember seeing your face when you delivered that baby and it was a beautiful sight. And you did save Colleen’s baby, just remember that, too.
Your beautiful face is in my thoughts and prayers every day. I’ll be seeing you soon.
All my love,
Gus
March 1910
Dearest Gus,
I realized today that it’s been a year since we parted on the docks and I promised myself to you. A year since seeing you and being able to touch you and hear your voice. That’s too long. I am anxiously awaiting your arrival home and praying every minute for the Maid of Calais, her speed and safety.
Thank you for your comforting words. They helped more than you can believe. Cecily reminded me recently that you always understand everything, and she is right. That’s the good news I forgot to mention in my recent letter. Cecily is home! The doctors have given her a clean bill of health and while I know more than anyone how easy it would be for her to relapse, I am reassured upon seeing her that she is healthy and strong. Indeed, she looks so healthy as to be a completely different person! I thank God every day for that, a sign that while medicine may not be my calling anymore, it’s certainly needed in this world.
Mother and father were a little too worried about her when she got back, keeping her life so much the same as it was at the sanitorium, she might just as well have been back there. They have eased up now, reassured by the medical report from the sanitorium.
I have spent a lot of my time caring for Colleen’s baby, Alice. Seth is busy working at the railroad and can’t be there to look after her all the time and they don’t have any other family here anymore. It’s quite comforting actually, to see her healthy and take care of her. It still hurts, but I have stopped obsessing so much over what happened. I just want to do what I can for them both since Colleen is no longer here.
I still don’t think I’ll ever want to go back to school, but I’ve decided to wait on a final decision until you get here. It’s true, our futures are bound and so should our decisions be. I confess, I don’t really know what to think about anything and just can’t shake the feeling I won’t until you’re home. It’s like I’m in limbo, waiting for you. I’ve never experienced that feeling of doubt before and I don’t like it much. On the other hand, it will be so sweet to plan our life together, whatever decision is made. We need to do it together. So hurry home to me. I’ll be waiting for you.
Love,
Felicity
Rating: G
Pairing: Felicity King/Gus Pike
Summary: Felicity King and Gus Pike exchange letters throughout their engagement while he is sailing to Jamaica to uncover the truth about his past and parentage and she is going to medical school. When word comes to her that Gus has died at sea, Felicity sets out to find him, believing he is still alive.
Disclaimer: I don't own Road to Avonlea. The title is by Eugene Peterson. A least one section of the letters is from the actual show.
I know I might be the only one to need this. I've been watching this show since I was a child and never really minded how inconsistent and plot-hole filled the show was because it was so tinged with nostalgia. Watching it as an adult through someone else's eyes helped me see that though I will never stop loving it, I'd love for it to make a bit more sense!
In S6 when Gus sails to find Captain Crane with his mother, she's literally never mentioned again in the show. It really needed to be dealt with, and the answers he was looking for from him past.
Now if Ezekiel Crane were involved, I think that would have definitely helped expedite matters to find him! And as much as Stuart was a good man, I would much rather Felicity's story not have to involve another man making her feel better (even if Gus is totally endgame!). Plus, I hope this helps explain more the sudden drop of her career as a doctor.
Oh and, of course, helps explain exactly why Felix randomly suddenly decides to go to sea and in a way that doesn't complete ignore his relationship with Izzy.
A Sea of Language
Part One
March 1909
Dear Felicity,
You know it was just a few hours since we left port and I’m already writing ya. I’m hoping it might help me finally believe everything that’s happened. It was the craziest week of my life and I’ve had some adventures as you know.
I look at my ma and I can’t believe she’s really there. My whole life she’s been a fuzzy memory, something nice to believe in, but nothing I could really hold on to. She’s sleeping now and it’s a bit sad how that’s the only time she looks happy. I don’t know what happened to her but every time I think about it, I see red and have to cool down. She was a bit jumpy at first but I’m glad she’s sleeping. I can’t wait to get to Jamaica and find Captain Crane and find out what he knows. It’s finally here, a chance to find out who I really am, to know what I come from, for the first time in my life. Everything else was a lie. Even the people I thought I could count on, like the Captain, he still somehow lied to me.
But I’ve got weeks ahead of me to think about it before it will happen. In the meantime, I hope I can get pieces from my ma or at least help her feel better.
I’m not nearly as anxious about all of this as I thought I would be though, and that’s cause of you. Honest to God truth, I know whatever comes, I’ll be okay, because Felicity King agreed to marry me. Writing it makes it so, and it’s there in black and white for the world to see, an impossible dream come true. You made me happy, more than that, I can’t describe how you make me feel in general and today in particular.
I’m glad we got a chance to talk things out and I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to do it more. But now we got our whole lives to talk and know each other, right? I want to fix this not just to know my past but so I can stop wondering about it and concentrate on our future together. I think it works out because you can go to school now and when I come back we can figure it out together. I’m real glad the school let you keep going without any fuss.
My ma is stirring so I’m gonna stop writing now but I’ll write often. Being a passenger on a ship is lot different to working on one. Too much time on your hands. I guess you can tell your aunt I’m working on my penmanship since she worked so hard to teach it to me. I can write and post the letters when we put into port. I’ll let you know best as I can how to write back. Shipping line is likely the best way though cause I can check in the office at the ports.
Yours,
Gus
March 1909
Dear Gus,
Do you remember the day Captain Crane gave you the ruby ring and when you played your fiddle with it on your finger, it sparkled so in the sunshine? I am reminded of that day because as I sit here writing to you, the sun is shining through my window and the shine from the gem keeps distracting me.
I am wearing your ring now and I will wear it forever and just as you can’t believe it’s finally true, neither can I. Things between us always seemed so unsettled and now I can rest and focus on other things because I know where we stand. I do still think of you often and pray for your safety as you travel, but I can concentrate on school knowing that our future is secure.
You might have too much time on your hands being a passenger, but I have absolutely zero time. Everything I thought I knew about medicine is being swept away with each new book I have to read and test I have to perform. There’s so much work involved, and I barely have time to sleep and eat, let alone write to anyone. If I were able to travel home, I would spend most of my time studying and avoiding well-meaning but mostly gossip-hunting visits from the likes of Eulalie Bugle!
You will have to write for both of us, though I know you also have your hands full tending to your mother. I hope she remains calm, though I’m sure a sea voyage is probably stressful for someone who is not quite sure what is happening. In my spare time, (of which there is none!) I have devoted my studying to people with her kind of mental condition in hopes I can pass on any wisdom. Unfortunately, there is not a lot to be had that doesn’t involve methods of which I’m not sure I approve.
But I will send whatever I can in hopes of making your relationship with her progress more smoothly.
I pray you have a speedy and safe voyage and that when you reach Jamaica, you are able to find Captain Crane easily and can find so many of the answers you need.
Just know I will be waiting here for you.
Yours,
Felicity
April 1909
Dear Felicity,
Reading your letter was the best part of my day, that’s for sure. It’s been real choppy so far and I don’t get sea sick but my ma has and that doesn’t help her state of mind. I spend most of my time trying to make sure she stays out of the way of the lads working or tending her when she’s feeling poorly. She doesn’t confuse me anymore with the Captain, I don’t think. She calls me, ‘my boy,’ most of the time, and it makes me feel a bit sad inside even though I like hearing it. You can see behind her eyes, there’s a whole person in there just trying to talk, but it comes out in nonsense half the time. Makes me want to wring my pa’s neck and anyone else who helped. But I’m trying to keep calm now and focus on waiting for those answers.
It helps some to be able to spend time looking out at the water and not hurrying to do some bit of work. I’ve helped them out a bit here and there, but then I get to just sit and think and it does the spirit good when the water is clear and blue, even with the waves riding high.
But I miss you and wish you were here and I think about you most of all.
I had to arrange for someone to look after my ma and run off the ship as we were only making a real brief detour to drop off some packages special order. I wasn’t sure I would find a treasure, but I did, your letter! A little worse for wear, but it got to me.
I know you’re working hard and I want to say even though I haven’t always been the most understanding about school, I’m real proud of you for sticking to it and for standing tall under the pressure. You’re amazing, you’re even trying to help me and my ma from a distance. Tenacious and stubborn as all get out as Miss King would say. But that’s my girl. I appreciate all your book learning wisdom.
We’re real close and I’ll write you again when we get there as it’s not likely we’ll make another stop.
Wear that ruby and make her shine!
Yours,
Gus
April 1909
Dear Gus,
Your last letter was brown and dried like it had been dropped in the sea. Do you think that happens often, letters flying away in the wind and being recovered, hoping they are still decipherable once they reach their destination?
I am glad you’ve almost reached Jamaica. In fact, I imagine, you will already be there once this letter reaches you. I admit, it’s a little nerve-wracking to know you’re somewhere on the ocean and I couldn’t reach you if something were to happen. I felt that way more than once after you left Avonlea, but I stubbornly didn’t want to admit it because then it meant remembering you were out of my life.
But now you are only temporarily absent, and I have more than enough to deal with here. I have passed my first exams and while I did not do as well as I often did in school growing up, I am still somehow prouder of these results than of every high mark Aunt Hetty gave me. I was very proud of them at the time, competing with Andrew at every turn, lauding my intelligence over Felix, and secretly being very jealous of Sara’s composition skills.
I miss her a lot but even if I were home, she’s spent quite a lot of time in Montreal lately and so we wouldn’t be able to be close as we used to be. I have not had time to find many friends here as school and study take up all my time. As you can imagine there are no other women in my classes and though Rachel Lynde personally recommended a few people she knows distantly in these foreign parts, I have not had a chance to do much but exchange a few polite remarks with them at Sunday services. For a woman who condemns traveling, I am amazed at how many people she knows outside of the Island.
I must wrap up soon and attend to my studies, but I wanted to say I’m glad you’ve had time to reflect and spend time with your mother, even though I know it is harder than it ought to be. I may be sticking to my schooling, but you are sticking to your family, and that makes me proud to be the woman you will marry.
Be careful in Jamaica and let me know you arrived safely. I have a lot of people back in Avonlea constantly bombarding me with questions of your safety. Felix sends his regards and my parents and aunts send their love…as do I.
Yours,
Felicity
May 1909
Dear Felicity,
Well, we’re here and safely, so wanted to let you know that straight off. I got your letter but I’m a bit surprised since you’re right, letters often get mislaid and destroyed on their way. God’s watching out for our writing, that’s for sure.
We’re in Kingston and it’s the likeliest place to find the Captain so here we’re likely to stay for a while. It’s busy and full of people as ships stop here all the time. Jamaica’s a stopping point for a lot of ships coming from Africa and the far East. People don’t have a lot in some places, a hurricane tore the place up pretty bad a few years back. It can make finding what you’re looking for difficult.
It’s also real warm, more than PEI ever gets. I’ve been places like this before so it was like stepping into a memory, coming back, but I think my ma is finding it a bit hard to get used to. She’s clinging to my arm most of the time when we go out and about. It’s not easy because I can’t leave her by herself and now we’re not in a confined space like the ship, I don’t want her to run off. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t want to leave me, but it does make things like finding the Captain even harder.
I think she’ll be better in a few days once she gets used to it, but I’m trying to be patient and put my burning desire to get answers on hold. But since we’re here, I’m even more anxious to find him. I gotta face the facts though, it might be a long time afore I do.
But I’ll keep reaching out to you and let you know my progress.
I’m glad you passed your exams and that you’re doing well, even though it’s hard. Maybe it works out real well that I’m not there to bother you all the time. I miss you though. Now that I’m back on firm ground, it seems harder to know we’re apart. But you keep working hard and I’m cheering for ya. But rest sometimes, I hope. It wouldn’t do for the doctor herself to get sick cause she worked too hard.
Tell Felix hello and all the folks and I’m real grateful they’re asking about me. Tell me more news about them if you can!
Yours,
Gus
June 1909
Dear Gus,
I am relieved that you got there safely. But now I need to be worried about scoundrels and ruffians though I know you can take care of yourself. I guess I will just need to worry about you until you are again where I can see you.
I do so hope your mother acclimates soon. Remember to drink as much water as you can and to make sure that it’s clean water. I’m horrified by all that I read of the diseases one can contract from drinking contaminated water.
I also wish you luck on your search and will pray that it is concluded speedily. For both selfish and unselfish reasons. But no matter what, I know how important this is to you and I’m glad you have the opportunity to see this through, no matter how long it takes.
I assure you, I rest as much as I am able, but I’ve always been a hard worker and never needed much sleep. My studies tell me that will change the older I get, so I am glad that I am still young. The work is still hard, but you will be happy to know that I did have a break.
I went home after my exams at my parent’s insistence and because I needed to work more in order to be able to pay for the next part of my schooling. I think that is the most maddening part, knowing that I will have to do this in fits and starts and not just go straight through. But I am glad Miss Stacy keeps a position open for me at the store.
It was hard at first to find myself in Avonlea, but I quickly rediscovered that though it is a different kind of work, there is still so much to do! Besides working at the store, I’m keeping up with my studies, and helping out with the chores on the farm. Or rather, keeping after Felix to do his chores.
Speaking of which, he was being ridiculous lately because he’d received a secret love letter and I wouldn’t help him answer it. I really didn’t have the time. It all worked out in the end, as Sara was home and helped him. Of course, then it turned into rather a complicated mess as such things do in Avonlea. I believe Izzy was the person writing the letter (also with help from Sara!) but Felix mistakenly thought it was someone from the hotel, and it ended up with Aunt Hetty on the warpath thinking that Sara was running off with Arthur Pettibone! I thought you might find that amusing.
In actuality, Sara is going to school in Paris! I must admit, I’m rather jealous of her opportunity, but I am glad for her. She will finally be on her own without either Aunt Hetty or her Nanny Louisa interfering in her life. But she will be in Paris and so far away from either of her homes and I will miss her so much.
We are all so spread out now, Gus. I am home only half the time, Sara in Europe, poor Cecily is at the sanitorium, you’re traveling. Even Sally Potts went away to school.
Perhaps it is being back home that is making me feel so nostalgic. Either way, I miss you and I cannot wait until you’re finally home again.
Yours, Felicity
July 1909
Dear Felicity,
I hardly know where to begin so I think I’ll start by responding to your news, but I warn ya, this letter is likely to be longer than most.
I’m real glad you got a break and can be home again. I think of those red cliffs sometimes in my dreams. I know I was born on that land and even though I spent so much of my life traveling and somewhere else, I am glad it’s my home, too.
You deserve all the rest you can get, but I know it’s hard to not be able to keep doing what you want to do. I sure wish I could help you with paying for all that. We’ll talk about it, I know, but at least when we’re married, it will be my job to help.
So Felix and Izzy are finally realizing things? Well, I hope that works out for them, though it sounds like it might take a bit of time.
That’s grand for Sara, she sure deserves to get some freedom and learning, and time to do all the things she wants to do. She was as firm a part of Avonlea as any other, but you could always tell she was destined for great things. Give her my best when you talk to her and to everyone else. Your folks are the best people I know and I’m missing your family.
But I miss you most of all.
And now to my news. The short version is I found him. It was weeks before I did and I was beginning to lose hope or think he’d moved on somewhere else. All the sailors I talked to and the messages I’d sent didn’t appear to have gotten here. We were safe, despite your ruffians and scoundrels, but the searching was wearing thin on me. My ma was anxious, too. I think she felt it from me.
But one day, a fella came off a ship and I asked him about the Captain and he told me where he was lodging. So I took my ma and off we went. I didn’t know if it’d be too much for either of them, but I couldn’t leave her by herself.
I was real nervous knocking on the door and when it opened, he took one look at me and her and stumbled back like somebody’d shot him.
He waved us in and we sat in his small place and she was crying and clinging to me like anything. He just kept looking at us both like we were ghosts.
I asked him if he’d known she was alive and he swears he didn’t. I do believe him now, but I had a hard time believing it at first. He’d told me once how he dug my ma’s grave. How could he have done that and not known? But he told me when my pa told him she was dead, he’d dug the grave and not gone to the funeral. He’d never seen her since he’d promised her he’d watch out for me cause my pa was real jealous.
He was watching her the whole time he talked, like a hungry man, and he asked me in a shaking voice to tell him about her. I told him our story and he got real mad, squeezing his chair hard. But then he grew real gentle and knelt down on the floor beside where she was clinging to me. She’d been hiding her face the whole time, like her whole self couldn’t believe it neither.
He called her Eliza and it was just like…like she opened up. She stopped hiding and she was almost normal. She hugged him and they were both crying. I didn’t know what to do so I backed off, but then she reached out for me and presented me like to him. She told him that this was her boy and the Captain nodded, saying he knew.
I can’t deny I was crying myself. I asked him, dared to ask him, showing him the pictures I found under the pulpit stones, if he was my pa.
He said nay and there was a large part of me that was disappointed. Coming from the Captain would be a lot better than the likes of Abraham Pike even if it would have been wrong. He got passionate though, telling me that what he said was true, that he loved my ma, but he knew she loved my pa, and he wouldn’t sully that, and the picture of him was given before they got married. Afterwards, well, we all know what happened afterwards with my pa, but even then the Captain didn’t want to treat her so wrong when she was married. The Captain guesses that my pa was jealous and when my ma got sick, he told everyone she died so he could put her in that home and she was too sick to know better. And we don’t know what would have happened since he went to jail and neither he nor the Captain could take care of me.
We’re thinking that the sickness did something to her mind that got worse being in that place. He looks sad when he looks at her, but he is also gentle. She talks to him more than to me, maybe cause the sight of him is more familiar.
My pa has the only answers left but neither of us want to go tracking him down. It ain’t worth it. The Captain’s been more of a pa to me the short time I’ve spent with him anyway. In fact, he even told me so, that I was like his son. I tell ya, it made me feel powerfully happy inside.
But now we gotta figure things out. We keep talking and he tells me more and she feels a bit better being here, I can tell. But we don’t rightly know what to do. I think it’s best I stay here a while. The Captain says he’ll take care of her the rest of his days and never wants to be away from her and maybe she’ll keep getting better, but I don’t know as she’ll ever be fully right. I don’t want to leave her or him.
But I ache to see you and I know you’re my future. As long as you’re okay being without me, I’m gonna set up shop here. The Captain still has what he tricked Boren out of, but he lives simply. I’d like to get some work at the ports anyway though cause my own funds are limited.
I gotta think about all this anyway. It’s a lot of work and suddenly being with the two of them and knowing what could have been, it makes me feel a lot of things I don’t know how to name. I don’t suppose I would have been born if my ma had just chosen the Captain over my pa, but she might not be so poorly and he might not have had to grieve so long. I kinda wish he’d fought harder for her or rescued her or me. I know he’s done a lot for me, given me the first home I ever had, but I still feel angry sometimes.
Sorry, that’s a lot to write and put on you, but I know you would want to know what happened. And I gotta get used to telling you all the things inside. I’m just sorry I couldn’t give you a better family to join, like yours.
I know now a bit more, but there’s still part of me that wishes for something different.
But the one thing I never doubt is you. So, I’m thinking of you.
Yours, Gus
September 1909
Dear Gus,
I’ve been trying to process your news for a while now. In fact, I set aside the letter, wanting to think, to give you my truest advice, not an emotional reaction.
Because I feel so sad for you, that this has been your life. That you didn’t grow up as I did, secure in knowing who you are and with a family. But it makes me even sadder to think that you feel bad you cannot give me a family to join. Because it’s not about that, Gus. I’m marrying you. I don’t care where you come from. I know it may have seemed so years ago and I blush at some of the ways I used to treat you, but please know now, from my heart, how honored I am to marry you. You are the most honorable man I’ve ever met.
And your family is honorable as well. Your mother and your true father are honorable people, despite how frightened of him I sometimes was as a child. I am so glad you know most of the truth now, even though I am sure that it is even harder for you to process than it has been for me.
I wish I were there with you, to help you through this. I am proud of you though and think it right you spend more time with them, helping them acclimate to a new life with each other. I don’t suppose…well, is it indelicate to ask what their plans are considering your parents are still married? I know you don’t want to track down your father, but at some point, will it be necessary?
I am sorry, that is likely far ahead of what you are thinking and feeling and likely to cause more stress. Just rest assured that you can stay there as long as you need to without fearing wrath from me. Though I shall not be afraid to say that I will miss you and will welcome you home at any time.
My heart goes out to your mother, having so many surprises. I am including some information I hope will be helpful to you both in helping her. Please make sure to get some rest, especially now that Captain Crane can help you.
I am still in Avonlea though set to leave again shortly. I stayed later than I wanted to since my parents and Miss Stacy were away and I needed some more funds. In fact, mostly what I ended up doing was curtailing Felix’s harebrained schemes for a fox farm and realizing that my brother is more grown up than I had realized. Yet he still needs a lot of looking after. Luckily, Izzy appears to be up to the task!
I have heard from Sara and she is settled into her new classes and loving it immensely. She sends her love and wanted me to tell you she was so glad you had the opportunity to rediscover your past. I will, of course, keep everything you’ve told me in confidence unless you wish it to be known.
I am strangely reluctant to return to the hard grind of school, but a large part of me is excited to have more meaningful employment again and to know that it is a worthy goal to accomplish while you are away. Pray for me though that I am up to the task as I pray for you under the emotions and strain you are under.
Write again soon.
Yours,
Felicity
October 1909
Dear Felicity,
You know I was yours from the moment I saw ya? But over the years it’s only been more true that I love you and I’m so glad you’ll be mine. You really comforted me with your letter. Because this is hard, really hard, and I don’t have many people to talk to that aren’t right in the thick of it with me. I guess my real concern with my family is that I don’t want to drag you down with me into this mess. But I’m thankful you want to go through this with me. It helps more than you know.
Your help for my ma is so appreciated, too. Modern methods sure work a treat. It works real well for her and it’s amazing to see her act more comfortable around us and in general. I also think it’s being with the Captain, like she’s living in the past, and the past is when she felt whole. I know it’s not the right thing exactly, them being together with my pa alive and all of that, but if there’s one thing the Reverends Leonard and Fitzsimmons taught me it’s that God’s grace is bigger than our situations. The Captain wouldn’t do anything indecent and my ma couldn’t have a regular marriage now as it is. So I hope you feel okay with that cause I think that’s the way it’s gotta be. The Captain and I have been talking and once I’m on my way he’ll take my ma and hire some folk to help take care of her and be in the house so as to make things a bit more proper and it will be a help.
I’ll be here a bit longer, I think, but I’m anxious to start making my way home. My old shipping line might have a job for me, but I’ll need to work my way back so it will be longer than my trip here even. The Captain offered to pay my passage home, but I don’t feel quite right taking that. I almost feel like I need to be paying him to take care of my ma. It’s a lot.
I’m glad you’re getting back to new schooling. Let me know how it’s going. I can understand it would be hard to plunge back into that considering how much hard work it was. But you can do it, more so than anyone else could.
Ah, Felix. The boy is brilliant, but he does need some reining in and it’s real good he’s got such a good friend and family to help him out. But I do think he’ll do something great.
As for Sara, well, of course she’ll do well at whatever she does. You know I don’t mind if she knows about my parents. I think she knows more about my pa than even you do after that scare we had the last time I saw him. I imagine everyone else is real curious, too. I would be! I think your family does deserve to know what their daughter is getting into, but I admit it does make me feel a bit shamed to know where I come from. But your folks are kind and honest and if it weren’t for Miss King, I’d be who knows where doing who knows what. So long as it’s your family, you can let them know if they want to know. Maybe once I’m home you and I can tell the details to them, but you can for sure let them know I found Captain Crane and my ma is doing better.
I’ll let you know when I’m on my way back but hope to hear from you soon anyway.
Yours,
Gus
November 1909
Dear Gus,
I’m sorry it’s been so long, and I feel I’ve hardly had time to write. But you can be proud of me, for I have finished my first year of schooling! I’m not sure how I managed it, but I am so happy that I did. It has been a very long year, mostly because I have been alone and you have been gone, but also because I was working so hard for most of it.
I am one of a very few women who have gotten this far and so no matter what happens next, I have accomplished something.
So now I can do nothing but work and wait for my final grades to come in. I am back home and I find myself feeling a little bit at a loss. I am working at the store, of course, and I am keeping my memory fresh by helping Dr. Jones as much as I am able. It is actually refreshing and helpful to practice what I have learned with someone who understands how hard it is and values my help rather than hurling thinly veiled comments at me every chance they get about how I can’t do this as well as a man!
I can’t tell you how glad I am that your mother is doing better and that even a small part of that is due to what I’ve learned. It also makes everything I’ve accomplished worth something. God’s grace is on her and you and I have only begun to learn what means. I do understand their situation is entirely unique and I’m sure so long as they take precautions, there would be nothing untoward about their living arrangements. I just pray that everything will work out well and she will continue to improve every day. Selfishly I hope so because every day she is better, is a day closer to you returning to me.
I understand your need to pay your own way, but do not be afraid to forge bonds of obligation between you and Captain Crane. You are family now, whether you are blood or not.
I will definitely ease my family’s mind regarding your search, but I will reserve details from all but Sara at this time until you come home. It would do well to be with them as an engaged couple and welcome you into our family truly.
I expect to be at home for several months as school will not start for a while and I must see if I can go back when it starts again.
Yours,
Felicity
Christmas 1909
Dear Felicity,
Happy Christmas, Felicity. It’s not quite so festive here as at home, but we make do. I think my ma and the Captain enjoyed themselves as did I.
Well, this will be my last letter from Jamaica. I’ve hired work at the shipping line though I don’t know which boat it will be yet. Likely the next time I write it will be from the sea herself. Best to go back to writing care of the shipping line, I think. I doubt I’ll have as much time for writing this time since I’ll be working but it will be good to get back to the water. There’s nothing quite like the feeling.
In Jamaica the sea is an impossible blue. The days are like the most perfect days of summer and at their ends, the sun sinks into changing colours beyond my words to describe. The days are shorter, though, than our summer days of home and my evenings feel so long. Especially when I think of you.
I might be getting impertinent here, but I dream of you, Felicity. Your eyes and your hair and everything else about you. When we’re married you’ll finally be mine to kiss and hold tight and that’s what I think about these long evenings.
It’s gonna be hard to leave though. The Captain and I have been talking to my ma regularly, trying to make sure she knows what’s coming and can understand. I think she gets it sometimes and then others, I don’t know. But she’s been clinging to me a bit more lately and that makes me think she knows I’m leaving. It’s strange to think of leaving her when I’ve only just found her but I look at the two of them and how happy he makes her and I feel I’m doing right.
Besides, I think I can come and visit her maybe sometime while you’re in school? You’re my priority now so I want to make sure we set things straight between us as to what we want, but it does seem like your education is coming at the best time for something like this.
On the other hand, mayhap they’ll want to move a bit closer to home now. Leastways, I’ve tried to put that bug in his ear. I think my ma would be more comfortable on PEI and Avonlea’s close to the sea. Then I could help take care of them. But, of course, we’ll figure out where you and I end up, too. I think about it and there’s so much we never talked about before. Me, always assuming things.
Assuming you wouldn’t want to do things like go to medical school. But you are and you finished your first year. That’s grand, Felicity! I’m proud of all you accomplished and happy for you, too. You’ve done real well and should be proud of yourself as you are. I’m glad you’re getting a bit of a break though. I get the feeling I’ll be just getting back once you go back yourself, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ve no doubt you’ll go back. Helping Dr. Jones will only spur ya on.
I appreciate you wanting to tell your family and we’ll do that together, like we can do everything from now on. I’ll be leaving soon.
Yours,
Gus
February 1910
Dear Gus,
I’ve been having a hard time writing because I am so sad right now and I just don’t know what to do or think or feel.
In fact, I’m a complete mess and I just wish you were here. I’m so glad you’re on your way back.
I guess it started when I got my grades back from school and I did really well, but I missed the deadline for registration, and they gave away my spot to someone else. I was devastated and felt like such a failure to miss something so simple. I was already going to have to pursue this through fits and starts and now to be delayed an entire semester for no real reason! On the other hand, I got a new opportunity. Dr. Snow heard about what happened and offered me a position in his office to help keep me on track for the next year. I was grateful and excited. It did mean I had to give up my job in the store, but Miss Stacy was gracious about it and supportive as she always is. It also meant that instead of having to travel so far to help Dr. Jones, I could be right here in Avonlea.
It also, I admit, made me imagine that you and I might be able to be married sooner since I wouldn’t be at school, but I wanted to wait and ask you about it, of course.
It was different than I imagined because Dr. Snow was so different than my teachers at school. It felt very…backwards. I know he’s a good man and does good work, but I thought I was going to get to witness the miracles of medicine and instead found myself cleaning Gurney Macdonald’s old tooth! I started to question myself, what it was I was working toward. I knew I couldn’t handle a country practice, but where else could I establish myself? A university teacher or researcher who was a woman would not be accepted yet. Besides, there was you and my family to consider. It just was overwhelming, and I felt disillusioned about all the dreams I’d built up.
I love the researching, I love the experimenting, but the actual work of helping people…well, it’s hard.
And then everything happened.
I can’t remember if you ever met my friend Colleen. We were so close when I was younger, probably before you came to Avonlea, and she was a true friend. She was always genuine and kind and fun-hearted, even when I was not. She moved away from Avonlea, but after her marriage she came back. She was pregnant with her and Seth’s first child.
I was so happy to see her back in Avonlea and she was so happy to be back. But, Gus, the child came and lived, and Colleen did not. I was there, I was the one helping her, and I just don’t know if I can bear the guilt and the fear of those moments. There was a horrible accident and Dr. Snow was busy helping when Colleen went into labor. He sent me ahead to help her and she was much worse than the baby you and I helped Dr. Jones with. Dr. Snow did arrive before the baby was born and I had to clear the child’s lungs while he worked on Colleen but…but it was terrifying. We did it and the baby lived.
I feel ashamed to admit it, but I just don’t know if I can go back to school. All the joy I felt at helping people, all the excitement of learning, all the accomplishment, it’s all faded now in the back of my mind, a poor dream in the wake of cruel reality.
Oh, I need your advice and your comfort. I also need distraction from the thoughts that keep plaguing me, running the night over and over in my mind. What could I have done differently before he got there to make sure the dyspepsia didn’t claim her life?
I am sorry to overwhelm you with this when I know there is nothing you can do at the moment, but just knowing you know somewhere out there, are thinking of me and praying for me, is more than anything else right now.
My family doesn’t want me to give up on a dream or fail or besmirch the King family name, but they just don’t understand. My mother, in particular, after being so slow to understand my desire to go to school, is now dead set against me dropping out.
I am sorry you had to leave your mother and hope she continues well and that you’ve heard from Captain Crane about how they are. How wonderful it would be to have them near us! I know there is much we need to talk about and this will have to be part of it now.
I will wait to pour out more of my woes until I can do so in person.
Hurry home.
Yours,
Felicity
February 1910
Dear Felicity,
It pains me to think of being so far away from you when you’re hurting so bad. I’m so sorry you’re going through that and had to lose your friend. I’d give anything right now to be able to wrap you in my arms and never let you go.
I’m hurrying to you though, I promise. I’m on a ship called the Maid of Calais and we’ve put into Charleston, South Carolina for boiler repairs. Might be a good thing as I never would have got your letter so soon otherwise and been able to reply right away. I think we should be on our way by the end of the month, but I won’t rest easy until we do.
Judging from your letter it seems like you were a bit uneasy about being a doctor before you lost her, which helps me think this isn’t just a reaction to a tragedy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, done it myself a time or two. But I just want you to be real sure about what you want. I’ll back anything you need or want, you can be sure, but perhaps you need a bit of time to contemplate what that is. Maybe it was a stroke of Providence, you missing the registration like that since now you do have some time set aside to think and pray and we can talk when I get there.
I’m not pushing you one way or the other, mind. I just don’t want you to give up on a dream unless you’re sure. I remember seeing your face when you delivered that baby and it was a beautiful sight. And you did save Colleen’s baby, just remember that, too.
Your beautiful face is in my thoughts and prayers every day. I’ll be seeing you soon.
All my love,
Gus
March 1910
Dearest Gus,
I realized today that it’s been a year since we parted on the docks and I promised myself to you. A year since seeing you and being able to touch you and hear your voice. That’s too long. I am anxiously awaiting your arrival home and praying every minute for the Maid of Calais, her speed and safety.
Thank you for your comforting words. They helped more than you can believe. Cecily reminded me recently that you always understand everything, and she is right. That’s the good news I forgot to mention in my recent letter. Cecily is home! The doctors have given her a clean bill of health and while I know more than anyone how easy it would be for her to relapse, I am reassured upon seeing her that she is healthy and strong. Indeed, she looks so healthy as to be a completely different person! I thank God every day for that, a sign that while medicine may not be my calling anymore, it’s certainly needed in this world.
Mother and father were a little too worried about her when she got back, keeping her life so much the same as it was at the sanitorium, she might just as well have been back there. They have eased up now, reassured by the medical report from the sanitorium.
I have spent a lot of my time caring for Colleen’s baby, Alice. Seth is busy working at the railroad and can’t be there to look after her all the time and they don’t have any other family here anymore. It’s quite comforting actually, to see her healthy and take care of her. It still hurts, but I have stopped obsessing so much over what happened. I just want to do what I can for them both since Colleen is no longer here.
I still don’t think I’ll ever want to go back to school, but I’ve decided to wait on a final decision until you get here. It’s true, our futures are bound and so should our decisions be. I confess, I don’t really know what to think about anything and just can’t shake the feeling I won’t until you’re home. It’s like I’m in limbo, waiting for you. I’ve never experienced that feeling of doubt before and I don’t like it much. On the other hand, it will be so sweet to plan our life together, whatever decision is made. We need to do it together. So hurry home to me. I’ll be waiting for you.
Love,
Felicity