Roswell Oneshot: The Calm Beyond All Questioning
Title: The Calm Beyond All Questioning
by Jesterlady
Pairing: Michael/Maria
Rating: PG
Summary: Life didn’t surprise her often, but the fact that Max Evans could show her the way to her destiny was surprising. It just might not be as straightforward as either music or Michael, normal or alien.
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell. Some lines are from the show. The title is by George Macdonald.
A/N: This is the second fic inspired by my desire to have someone else intervene in the Maria and Michael madness and just give them some badly needed insights into the other person. In this instance, I think Michael needs more support. Everyone basically treats him as this massive screw up and it's no wonder he has no clue about what people need. I wanted Max to be a good wingman here. Plus, I was not happy with either Maria or Liz's actions in S3. I admit that there were times the boys were stupid and jerks, but, honestly, I have no clue what these girls had an issue with in S3, they were drama for drama's sake (writer problem). I particularly found Behind the Music to be absolutely ridiculous. Maybe if they'd built up to it and had actual cause for Maria to be unhappy, but this was left field nonsense and the way it was handled was downright ridiculous.
The Calm Beyond All Questioning
There were few things in her life that could surprise her anymore, but the fact that she was about to go to Enigma with Max Evans was one of them. Maria sat in the passenger seat of his car as they drove toward Blue Moon Canyon. It had been a crazy night which was actually quite normal for her. She’d gone through a lot of different emotions and she was still dead set on finding this party and enjoying something that had nothing to do with aliens. Well, apart from the alien driving her there, of course. But as far as alien drama went, despite the fact Max had started this whole mess to begin with by saving Liz, his drama and her drama were usually fairly distant from each other.
They didn’t spend much time together apart from the group, she was always wrapped up in Michael and he was always wrapped up in Liz. It was oddly nice to be spending the evening together. In fact, it was better to know Max Evans than to ignore him. He had a way of creeping up on you and ruining your life when you weren’t even in the room. But he never meant to, his intentions were more pure than any of the other aliens she’d met.
Still, he wasn’t the alien on her mind. He never was. It was always Michael. Whether they were together, broken up, or somewhere in between, it was Michael. She couldn’t believe him tonight. Aside from the super creepy factor of him being able to hear her over a floor away, he’d let her go and that was the best gift he could have given her. It was different from him pushing her away like he’d done before. It was the real him she was convinced only she got to see, but never enough.
Lately obsessing about Michael and worrying about him and trying to force some perfect relationship out of material that wasn’t built for it had been extremely stressful, slowly crushing her. She sometimes hated that it felt like no matter what she was doing, her mind drifted back to him, like she was addicted to an alien and she’d never be her own person again. That’s why she was trying so hard to stay away from him, to figure out who she was outside of her love for him. She’d begun to suss it out and moments like this, when he put her needs first, well, those were the moments she realized that no matter what she figured out about herself, she would always come back to him. It didn’t even bother her that on her way to this party, she was thinking about Michael and talking about him.
She told Max everything, never one to sit and be silent with anyone. Max was also a good listener.
“You should have seen him standing there all brave and noble,” she said. “It was enough to make you fall in love with him all over again.”
“Yeah, well, I have to live with him,” said Max. “That’s enough.”
She laughed.
“I suppose it is. Could he be any more of a slob?”
“I promise you, he can,” Max said.
“I’m not sure that’s possible,” Maria argued, leaning her head on her hand.
“But you don’t see him freaking out every time you’re about to come over,” Max said. “He runs around, basically hiding the mess rather than cleaning it, but still, it’s an effort.”
“The boy does know how to try,” she said wryly. “Now if only he knew how to succeed.”
Max was silent for a few moments before he answered her.
“Maria, I know your relationship with Michael is complicated; all of our relationships are complicated. It’s not really my business either, but…I don’t think that’s really fair to him.”
“What do you mean?” Maria asked, shifting to look at him.
Max shrugged, looking uncomfortable.
“Look, I know you and Michael share something really personal and I’ll never be able to understand that, but in a way I’ll always have a better read on him than you.”
“Because you’re alien and a guy?” she asked, semi-teasing him.
“Maybe,” he said. “But I’ve known him, really known him, a long time. Michael and Isabel have been my whole world my entire life.”
“I know,” she said, letting herself be pulled into the serious conversation he was obviously set on having.
“But I don’t think you understand,” he answered. “It’s not your fault, even I don’t understand it. There’s a connection between us, something stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. Sometimes I feel like it’s stronger than my love for Liz.”
“I get it, the whole destiny royal four crap,” Maria said, never comfortable remembering that Michael was destined to be with Isabel according to his past life.
“No,” he said sharply. “There’s that and I don’t deny that’s strong, but this is something separate, something that doesn’t include Tess. She wasn’t there. She didn’t grow up with us, alone and scared and confused. It was the three of us. They’re my…blood, Maria.”
“Okay, okay,” she said. “Why does that mean I’m being unfair to Michael?”
“You…you flashed with him, right?” Max asked hesitantly.
“Yeah,” she said, not really wanting to share those personal details.
“If you’ve seen his past, then you know that he was a loner, even with our bond,” Max said. “Okay, he never opened up, not with me or Isabel. We were closer than I can imagine any three people being, but he still never opened up.”
“He told me that,” she said, “when he opened up to me.”
“That’s it,” Max said softly. “He opened up to you. Not to me or Isabel. Maria, you’re honestly a miracle. Michael has been so afraid his entire life and I love him, but he’s never been able to share that with me.”
“So what are you saying?” she asked, suddenly afraid to know his answer.
“That you received a gift I’ve been craving my whole life and you threw it away,” Max said and she could tell he was trying to be gentle, but the words stung all the same.
“You two fight all the time,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Yeah, and I’m just as guilty of underestimating him and belittling his value,” Max said. “In another life he was the person I trusted the most and here I second guess everything he does. It’s something I’m working on and he doesn’t make it easy.”
“No, no he doesn’t,” she agreed.
“But I’m willing to see past that,” Max said. “Not because I used to know him in that life, but because he can understand me like no one else ever will and he’ll never stop fighting for me and for what he thinks is right. Just because he might get it wrong shouldn’t discount that what he does for the most part is done for other people. He just doesn’t know how to verbalize that.”
“So he does it,” she said.
“He does it. He acts and he acts out of his emotions,” Max said. “Which drives me insane and I feel responsible for him and frustrated with how impulsive he is. I wish, I wish he’d taken my hand when we were younger. I wish somehow he’d been able to grow up with me and Isabel. Maybe then he’d feel safer, he’d had invested more time in learning basic human social skills. But he can’t change that or where he comes from. But little by little, day by day, I see him changing who he is. And he doesn’t do that for me, Maria, he does that for you.”
“That might be the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she said, not even trying to stop her tears at this point. “Max, why did you have to say that?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t plan on saying any of this.”
“But I needed to hear it,” she said, wiping her eyes.
She did. She wasn’t wrong about needing to find out who she was apart from Michael. It wasn’t wrong to want to live a normal, safe life. It wasn’t wrong for her to have dreams. But maybe she was wrong to think she had to do that by severing herself from Michael. At the very least she had to give him the opportunity to try. Like he’d done tonight.
After all, why did she care so much about stupid things like whether or not he took her on fancy dates or remembered anniversaries? She’d fallen in love with someone who was completely outside of normal human conventions and the entire time she’d been trying to change him in to one. Maybe there were areas he did need to change, but hadn’t he been doing that just like Max said? Getting another job, trying harder in school. Didn’t he at least attempt to talk to her about the Billy situation, even if he’d been terrible at it? Hadn’t he opened up his very soul to her?
It still made her want to cry, the way that he pictured her in his mind and heart. She knew she wasn’t worthy of that, no one was. He didn’t show it outwardly the way Max did with Liz, but he wasn’t Max and she wasn’t Liz. They got to be their own relationship and do things in their own way. Maybe it was time she stopped trying to force him, force them, into some preconceived mold in her head.
“Are you okay?” Max asked after a few minutes.
“Yeah,” she said. “Um, I think I need to do some thinking and probably talk to him if he’ll let me.”
“You know the other part about knowing him his whole life,” Max said, glancing quickly at her. “I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. He’s not obsessing about who he is or where he comes from or how to get back. After watching him do that for years, the very fact that he would choose to stay with you is the most mind-blowing thing I can imagine. He’s not perfect; no one knows that better than me, but he has changed.” He hesitated and then spoke again. “He won’t talk about you, not really, but I do know that he has no clue why you broke up with him and I think he deserves that honest conversation before you make up your mind about what you want to do.”
“I get the message,” Maria said, unable to handle any more revelations. “Friend duty done. Now can we focus on Enigma and forgetting all of the stupid, crazy things that make up our lives?”
“I can do that,” he said, pulling the car to a stop and getting out. He took her hand. “So, are you ready?”
“I’ve been thinking about this my whole life,” she answered. “I am so ready.”
They climbed the hill together.
***
Maria felt alive. She was stronger and more sure of herself than she’d been in a long time. She was free, high on life, and closer to Max Evans than anyone else on the planet. Together they had experienced something they both needed and she would be grateful to him for the rest of her life.
They told their story to the rest of the gang, but they’d still never understand the experience. She didn’t mind that though. They’d each found something that night and she wouldn’t trade who she was with. She kept her eyes on Michael as she spoke and watched how he watched her. She was good at watching him but now she was starting to think she had been doing it the wrong way. She’d watched him with predetermined views of his mood and rarely let him change her mind. Today though, she wanted to be open.
He was as shut down as ever, face carefully blank, but she thought she knew what to look for now. She caught the slight crinkles around his eyes when she said something funny, the tightness in his brow when she told how she had almost twisted her ankle, the clenching of his jaw when she praised something Max did, but she saw tenderness mostly in his eyes, softness in his mouth, and attentiveness to her words. Max was right, something had changed in the way Michael related to her, only he was guarding himself against further hurt and trying to do what he thought she wanted.
He was such an idiot and she loved him so much.
She wasn’t going to rush into anything, she couldn’t. That would be as big of a mistake as walking away from him entirely, which she was now determined not to do if he agreed with her.
After they were done with their tale, mixed with their food, she discovered he was missing and she went to look for him. Max watched her go knowingly and she nodded to him as she passed.
She found Michael with his jacket on, sitting on the top of the stairs and she briefly wondered why he was up there.
“Hey,” she said, climbing until she was eye level with him.
“Hey yourself,” he said.
“How’s your…well, everything?” she asked, gesturing.
“I’m fine,” he said. “It wore off.”
“Planning on binge drinking again any time soon?” she asked.
“Hell no,” he said, grimacing. “That was awful.”
“It looked it,” she said. “I wonder why you experienced it that way.”
“It figures Max gets giddy and fearless and I just experience extreme pain,” he grunted.
“I wonder how Isabel would react?” Maria pondered, her finger to her lips.
She could tell he almost grinned, almost.
“I doubt we’ll ever find out,” he answered.
“Maybe we could convince her. For future preventative purposes, of course,” she added.
“Be my guest,” he said, flicking his hair out of his eyes.
She made a mental note to ask him to cut his hair again when she had the right to do so. It was so shaggy and if he would just style it, it wouldn’t look so bad, but he apparently didn’t know how and she disliked anything that took away from the outward perfection she saw in him. Just because she’d never been able to win that battle didn’t mean she wouldn’t die trying.
“So, were you leaving?” she asked.
“Yeah, real soon,” he said. “You?”
“I am pretty tired,” she said. “I think the adrenaline is starting to wear off.”
“Sounded like quite the party,” he said, not looking at her.
“It was, but what was even more interesting was the conversation Max and I had before we got there,” she said.
“Really?” he asked and he didn’t sound happy.
“Max…he told me some things and I realized I owe you an explanation,” she said.
“I’m not sure I really want to hear about it,” Michael said shortly. “You and Max all buddy buddy. We’re not together and I don’t have to listen to you talk if I don’t want to.”
Maria closed her eyes and reminded herself he was basically a trapped, wounded animal and would lash out until he felt safe. It was her job right now to provide that for him, even if she got some claw marks along the way.
“I have a question for you,” she said patiently.
“What’s that?” he asked wearily.
“Can you find memories in my head?” she asked. “You see my memories when you flash, but can you focus on specific ones?”
“Why?” he asked cautiously.
“Because I want to show you something. I think I’ll tell it better and you’ll understand it better if you can just see it for yourself,” she said.
“I’ve never tried,” he admitted, then stood up, agitated. “You know I’m not great at that crap anyway.”
“Are you willing to try?” she asked. “Because I’d really like to show you.”
“What’s this all about, Maria?” he asked. “You can’t wait to get rid of me and then one night in the desert with Max and you want to let me inside your head?”
“Basically,” she said. “I know I haven’t been fair to you. I never let you know why I wanted to break up.”
“Because you love me so much, I recall,” he said bitterly.
“Yes,” she answered. “I love you and I’ve wrapped my whole life around you. So much so that I didn’t realize I had no idea who I was anymore. And that’s not your fault and I should have done a better job of communicating that. I just needed some space to try and remember who I am without the alien stuff and to figure out if the dreams I wanted before, if I still want them.”
“Okay, fine,” he said and his frustration was showing. “But I don’t get why you’re- what do you want from me?”
“Your forgiveness for hurting you,” she said. “And a plea for patience. Can you let me figure out what I need to figure out?”
“How long is that going to be? Two weeks, two years?” he asked, throwing his hands up.
“I realize it’s a lot to ask,” she said. “I think I know what I want, but I just don’t want to rush back into anything without really knowing. We’ve done that too often.”
“Who says I even want you back?” he asked and she refused to be hurt.
“I know you, Michael,” she said. “Don’t hurt me to protect yourself. That’s not why I’m here.”
“You’re here so you can stop feeling guilty about it,” he said.
She shouldn’t be surprised at his perception, but she was a bit.
“In a way, yes,” she replied. “Will you please let me show you how I feel?”
“I don’t know if I can,” he mumbled, looking away, out of shame or frustration, she didn’t know.
Still, if there was one thing she’d learned over the years, it was that he was often the last person to know what he was really capable of and usually what it took was someone to encourage him to try or try again.
“I believe you can,” she said, taking a few steps up until she was standing with him on the landing and putting her hand on his shoulder.
“Fine,” he said, “but don’t blame me if this doesn’t work and you have to tell me the old fashioned way.”
“I won’t,” she promised. “But if it’s within your alien code, I know you can do this, Michael.”
He turned and hugged her, his breath heavy on her neck. She clung to him for a moment or two.
“Close your eyes,” he said. “Think about what you want to show me.”
She did as he requested, picturing first her conversation with Billy over Alex’s guitar and then her conversation with Max and her night in the desert, and then felt that special sense of closeness that meant Michael was connected to her. He didn’t show her anything, but she hadn’t expected him to. After never showing anyone anything and then her leaving him, well, she would be lucky if she ever got to see inside of him again and she realized suddenly she would regret that, she would miss that more than she’d miss anything else.
Somehow she knew when he was finished looking inside her by the way he tensed his grip on her and she only knew he’d succeeded when he spoke.
“I should punch him for talking to you like that,” he whispered into her shoulder and she briefly pondered whether he meant Billy or Max before deciding it didn’t really matter.
“Even though it made me realize how wrong I’d been?” she asked, holding him tightly.
“Especially because of that,” he said. “You deserve your own life, Maria. All I’ve done is mess it up.”
“Did you even listen to what we said?” she asked, pulling back to look him in the eyes. “Michael, you are worthwhile.”
“Okay,” he said, but she could tell it would take a lot more to make him believe that.
“Could you, could you feel what I felt?” she asked, trying a new approach.
“It doesn’t really work that way,” he said. “I mean, yes, I guess, but it’s not like when I show you flashes.”
“But do you understand how important you are to me?” she asked, desperate for him to know that.
“I, I think so,” he said, and he was a little less hostile.
“Then can you give me a little room to figure things out?” she asked. “And know that I will always, always come back to you?”
He sighed and moved away from her a bit. When he spoke he was looking over her shoulder, talking to someone else, maybe the person he used to be.
“I spent my whole life wondering who I was, what I was meant for,” he said. “Then I found out. I’m a soldier, I’m a fighter, I’m meant to end a war. I have a whole life waiting for me even if it would be really hard to get back to and fix.”
“I know,” she said.
“But I decided I didn’t want that life,” he said, looking at her. “Because of you. So now…now I don’t know who I am anymore. Without you, without that destiny.”
“I never thought of it that way,” she said, thinking how ironic it was they could go through the same identity crisis without even realizing it.
“Well, maybe we both need to,” he said.
“I think you’re right,” she said.
“Something in our relationship needed to change,” he admitted.
“But I didn’t go about it very well,” she said.
“No,” he said bluntly. “But then again, neither did I at some points.”
“We’re pretty complicated together,” she said. “But I don’t want to lose this by not trying.”
“Trying?” he asked.
“To give ourselves space to find ourselves so we can come back together and be better,” she said.
He stared at her for a minute.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “So, yes. Yes, I will let you go. Yes, I will use that time to figure out who I am. But, yes, you had better come back to me.”
“I promise,” she said, kissing him fiercely, relieved beyond words.
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back. The kiss was intense and urgent and she suddenly felt like she was tearing one of her limbs off even though she knew she was doing the right thing by leaving. She began to flash and what she saw made her want to cry. Because what she saw was of her and of them and of his fear for the future. There was no alien threat, there was no immediate danger, but she learned that Michael Guerin was afraid of nothing as much as he was afraid of losing her. She could relate. She kissed him hungrily, craving every second of interaction, storing it up so it would sustain her for the time they were apart. She knew in that kiss what her plan was, at least the beginnings of it.
He broke apart from her and they both gasped for air while he leaned his forehead on hers.
“Be safe for me,” he whispered.
“I will,” she said. “I’m going to New York and I’m going to sing and I’m going to write to you and if you need me for anything, you let me know. Give me three months and then I’ll come home.”
“What if you make it big?” he asked and she knew then his fears about Billy were gone since he hadn’t mentioned him.
“Then I’ll have fulfilled something and be satisfied,” she said and she finally felt peace with that. “Michael, it’s always you.”
“I really don’t deserve that,” he said.
“Neither do I,” she told him. “We’re two very messed up people.”
“I guess I can agree with that,” he said.
“But we make each other better,” she said. “When we try.”
He hesitated and she guessed there were some things he was still reluctant to share, especially after her rejection.
“I love you,” he said finally.
“I love you, too,” she answered immediately.
She held his hand tightly and she brought him downstairs and they passed Max and Michael muttered a ‘thanks, Maxwell,’ and Max smiled at them, seeing their joined hands. Maria hoped he realized what his intervention had meant to her and she hoped Michael realized how much someone else cared, even if the two were constantly at odds.
They announced her plans and Liz sprang up and hugged her tightly, demanding explanations. In fact, everyone demanded explanations.
That took a while and the whole time, Maria held on to him and Michael to her.
Then Maria and Michael walked out the door, still holding hands, because she was going to hold on to him every second until she left. She had to break the news to her mom, she had to pack, she had to quit school or at least postpone it, and she had to make plans. It was what she’d been building toward and the sooner she left, the sooner she could come back. Back to him.
Life didn’t surprise her often, but the fact that Max Evans could show her the way to her destiny was surprising. It might not be as straightforward as either music or Michael, normal or alien, but she was okay with that for the first time in a long time.
by Jesterlady
Pairing: Michael/Maria
Rating: PG
Summary: Life didn’t surprise her often, but the fact that Max Evans could show her the way to her destiny was surprising. It just might not be as straightforward as either music or Michael, normal or alien.
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell. Some lines are from the show. The title is by George Macdonald.
A/N: This is the second fic inspired by my desire to have someone else intervene in the Maria and Michael madness and just give them some badly needed insights into the other person. In this instance, I think Michael needs more support. Everyone basically treats him as this massive screw up and it's no wonder he has no clue about what people need. I wanted Max to be a good wingman here. Plus, I was not happy with either Maria or Liz's actions in S3. I admit that there were times the boys were stupid and jerks, but, honestly, I have no clue what these girls had an issue with in S3, they were drama for drama's sake (writer problem). I particularly found Behind the Music to be absolutely ridiculous. Maybe if they'd built up to it and had actual cause for Maria to be unhappy, but this was left field nonsense and the way it was handled was downright ridiculous.
The Calm Beyond All Questioning
There were few things in her life that could surprise her anymore, but the fact that she was about to go to Enigma with Max Evans was one of them. Maria sat in the passenger seat of his car as they drove toward Blue Moon Canyon. It had been a crazy night which was actually quite normal for her. She’d gone through a lot of different emotions and she was still dead set on finding this party and enjoying something that had nothing to do with aliens. Well, apart from the alien driving her there, of course. But as far as alien drama went, despite the fact Max had started this whole mess to begin with by saving Liz, his drama and her drama were usually fairly distant from each other.
They didn’t spend much time together apart from the group, she was always wrapped up in Michael and he was always wrapped up in Liz. It was oddly nice to be spending the evening together. In fact, it was better to know Max Evans than to ignore him. He had a way of creeping up on you and ruining your life when you weren’t even in the room. But he never meant to, his intentions were more pure than any of the other aliens she’d met.
Still, he wasn’t the alien on her mind. He never was. It was always Michael. Whether they were together, broken up, or somewhere in between, it was Michael. She couldn’t believe him tonight. Aside from the super creepy factor of him being able to hear her over a floor away, he’d let her go and that was the best gift he could have given her. It was different from him pushing her away like he’d done before. It was the real him she was convinced only she got to see, but never enough.
Lately obsessing about Michael and worrying about him and trying to force some perfect relationship out of material that wasn’t built for it had been extremely stressful, slowly crushing her. She sometimes hated that it felt like no matter what she was doing, her mind drifted back to him, like she was addicted to an alien and she’d never be her own person again. That’s why she was trying so hard to stay away from him, to figure out who she was outside of her love for him. She’d begun to suss it out and moments like this, when he put her needs first, well, those were the moments she realized that no matter what she figured out about herself, she would always come back to him. It didn’t even bother her that on her way to this party, she was thinking about Michael and talking about him.
She told Max everything, never one to sit and be silent with anyone. Max was also a good listener.
“You should have seen him standing there all brave and noble,” she said. “It was enough to make you fall in love with him all over again.”
“Yeah, well, I have to live with him,” said Max. “That’s enough.”
She laughed.
“I suppose it is. Could he be any more of a slob?”
“I promise you, he can,” Max said.
“I’m not sure that’s possible,” Maria argued, leaning her head on her hand.
“But you don’t see him freaking out every time you’re about to come over,” Max said. “He runs around, basically hiding the mess rather than cleaning it, but still, it’s an effort.”
“The boy does know how to try,” she said wryly. “Now if only he knew how to succeed.”
Max was silent for a few moments before he answered her.
“Maria, I know your relationship with Michael is complicated; all of our relationships are complicated. It’s not really my business either, but…I don’t think that’s really fair to him.”
“What do you mean?” Maria asked, shifting to look at him.
Max shrugged, looking uncomfortable.
“Look, I know you and Michael share something really personal and I’ll never be able to understand that, but in a way I’ll always have a better read on him than you.”
“Because you’re alien and a guy?” she asked, semi-teasing him.
“Maybe,” he said. “But I’ve known him, really known him, a long time. Michael and Isabel have been my whole world my entire life.”
“I know,” she said, letting herself be pulled into the serious conversation he was obviously set on having.
“But I don’t think you understand,” he answered. “It’s not your fault, even I don’t understand it. There’s a connection between us, something stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. Sometimes I feel like it’s stronger than my love for Liz.”
“I get it, the whole destiny royal four crap,” Maria said, never comfortable remembering that Michael was destined to be with Isabel according to his past life.
“No,” he said sharply. “There’s that and I don’t deny that’s strong, but this is something separate, something that doesn’t include Tess. She wasn’t there. She didn’t grow up with us, alone and scared and confused. It was the three of us. They’re my…blood, Maria.”
“Okay, okay,” she said. “Why does that mean I’m being unfair to Michael?”
“You…you flashed with him, right?” Max asked hesitantly.
“Yeah,” she said, not really wanting to share those personal details.
“If you’ve seen his past, then you know that he was a loner, even with our bond,” Max said. “Okay, he never opened up, not with me or Isabel. We were closer than I can imagine any three people being, but he still never opened up.”
“He told me that,” she said, “when he opened up to me.”
“That’s it,” Max said softly. “He opened up to you. Not to me or Isabel. Maria, you’re honestly a miracle. Michael has been so afraid his entire life and I love him, but he’s never been able to share that with me.”
“So what are you saying?” she asked, suddenly afraid to know his answer.
“That you received a gift I’ve been craving my whole life and you threw it away,” Max said and she could tell he was trying to be gentle, but the words stung all the same.
“You two fight all the time,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Yeah, and I’m just as guilty of underestimating him and belittling his value,” Max said. “In another life he was the person I trusted the most and here I second guess everything he does. It’s something I’m working on and he doesn’t make it easy.”
“No, no he doesn’t,” she agreed.
“But I’m willing to see past that,” Max said. “Not because I used to know him in that life, but because he can understand me like no one else ever will and he’ll never stop fighting for me and for what he thinks is right. Just because he might get it wrong shouldn’t discount that what he does for the most part is done for other people. He just doesn’t know how to verbalize that.”
“So he does it,” she said.
“He does it. He acts and he acts out of his emotions,” Max said. “Which drives me insane and I feel responsible for him and frustrated with how impulsive he is. I wish, I wish he’d taken my hand when we were younger. I wish somehow he’d been able to grow up with me and Isabel. Maybe then he’d feel safer, he’d had invested more time in learning basic human social skills. But he can’t change that or where he comes from. But little by little, day by day, I see him changing who he is. And he doesn’t do that for me, Maria, he does that for you.”
“That might be the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she said, not even trying to stop her tears at this point. “Max, why did you have to say that?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t plan on saying any of this.”
“But I needed to hear it,” she said, wiping her eyes.
She did. She wasn’t wrong about needing to find out who she was apart from Michael. It wasn’t wrong to want to live a normal, safe life. It wasn’t wrong for her to have dreams. But maybe she was wrong to think she had to do that by severing herself from Michael. At the very least she had to give him the opportunity to try. Like he’d done tonight.
After all, why did she care so much about stupid things like whether or not he took her on fancy dates or remembered anniversaries? She’d fallen in love with someone who was completely outside of normal human conventions and the entire time she’d been trying to change him in to one. Maybe there were areas he did need to change, but hadn’t he been doing that just like Max said? Getting another job, trying harder in school. Didn’t he at least attempt to talk to her about the Billy situation, even if he’d been terrible at it? Hadn’t he opened up his very soul to her?
It still made her want to cry, the way that he pictured her in his mind and heart. She knew she wasn’t worthy of that, no one was. He didn’t show it outwardly the way Max did with Liz, but he wasn’t Max and she wasn’t Liz. They got to be their own relationship and do things in their own way. Maybe it was time she stopped trying to force him, force them, into some preconceived mold in her head.
“Are you okay?” Max asked after a few minutes.
“Yeah,” she said. “Um, I think I need to do some thinking and probably talk to him if he’ll let me.”
“You know the other part about knowing him his whole life,” Max said, glancing quickly at her. “I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. He’s not obsessing about who he is or where he comes from or how to get back. After watching him do that for years, the very fact that he would choose to stay with you is the most mind-blowing thing I can imagine. He’s not perfect; no one knows that better than me, but he has changed.” He hesitated and then spoke again. “He won’t talk about you, not really, but I do know that he has no clue why you broke up with him and I think he deserves that honest conversation before you make up your mind about what you want to do.”
“I get the message,” Maria said, unable to handle any more revelations. “Friend duty done. Now can we focus on Enigma and forgetting all of the stupid, crazy things that make up our lives?”
“I can do that,” he said, pulling the car to a stop and getting out. He took her hand. “So, are you ready?”
“I’ve been thinking about this my whole life,” she answered. “I am so ready.”
They climbed the hill together.
***
Maria felt alive. She was stronger and more sure of herself than she’d been in a long time. She was free, high on life, and closer to Max Evans than anyone else on the planet. Together they had experienced something they both needed and she would be grateful to him for the rest of her life.
They told their story to the rest of the gang, but they’d still never understand the experience. She didn’t mind that though. They’d each found something that night and she wouldn’t trade who she was with. She kept her eyes on Michael as she spoke and watched how he watched her. She was good at watching him but now she was starting to think she had been doing it the wrong way. She’d watched him with predetermined views of his mood and rarely let him change her mind. Today though, she wanted to be open.
He was as shut down as ever, face carefully blank, but she thought she knew what to look for now. She caught the slight crinkles around his eyes when she said something funny, the tightness in his brow when she told how she had almost twisted her ankle, the clenching of his jaw when she praised something Max did, but she saw tenderness mostly in his eyes, softness in his mouth, and attentiveness to her words. Max was right, something had changed in the way Michael related to her, only he was guarding himself against further hurt and trying to do what he thought she wanted.
He was such an idiot and she loved him so much.
She wasn’t going to rush into anything, she couldn’t. That would be as big of a mistake as walking away from him entirely, which she was now determined not to do if he agreed with her.
After they were done with their tale, mixed with their food, she discovered he was missing and she went to look for him. Max watched her go knowingly and she nodded to him as she passed.
She found Michael with his jacket on, sitting on the top of the stairs and she briefly wondered why he was up there.
“Hey,” she said, climbing until she was eye level with him.
“Hey yourself,” he said.
“How’s your…well, everything?” she asked, gesturing.
“I’m fine,” he said. “It wore off.”
“Planning on binge drinking again any time soon?” she asked.
“Hell no,” he said, grimacing. “That was awful.”
“It looked it,” she said. “I wonder why you experienced it that way.”
“It figures Max gets giddy and fearless and I just experience extreme pain,” he grunted.
“I wonder how Isabel would react?” Maria pondered, her finger to her lips.
She could tell he almost grinned, almost.
“I doubt we’ll ever find out,” he answered.
“Maybe we could convince her. For future preventative purposes, of course,” she added.
“Be my guest,” he said, flicking his hair out of his eyes.
She made a mental note to ask him to cut his hair again when she had the right to do so. It was so shaggy and if he would just style it, it wouldn’t look so bad, but he apparently didn’t know how and she disliked anything that took away from the outward perfection she saw in him. Just because she’d never been able to win that battle didn’t mean she wouldn’t die trying.
“So, were you leaving?” she asked.
“Yeah, real soon,” he said. “You?”
“I am pretty tired,” she said. “I think the adrenaline is starting to wear off.”
“Sounded like quite the party,” he said, not looking at her.
“It was, but what was even more interesting was the conversation Max and I had before we got there,” she said.
“Really?” he asked and he didn’t sound happy.
“Max…he told me some things and I realized I owe you an explanation,” she said.
“I’m not sure I really want to hear about it,” Michael said shortly. “You and Max all buddy buddy. We’re not together and I don’t have to listen to you talk if I don’t want to.”
Maria closed her eyes and reminded herself he was basically a trapped, wounded animal and would lash out until he felt safe. It was her job right now to provide that for him, even if she got some claw marks along the way.
“I have a question for you,” she said patiently.
“What’s that?” he asked wearily.
“Can you find memories in my head?” she asked. “You see my memories when you flash, but can you focus on specific ones?”
“Why?” he asked cautiously.
“Because I want to show you something. I think I’ll tell it better and you’ll understand it better if you can just see it for yourself,” she said.
“I’ve never tried,” he admitted, then stood up, agitated. “You know I’m not great at that crap anyway.”
“Are you willing to try?” she asked. “Because I’d really like to show you.”
“What’s this all about, Maria?” he asked. “You can’t wait to get rid of me and then one night in the desert with Max and you want to let me inside your head?”
“Basically,” she said. “I know I haven’t been fair to you. I never let you know why I wanted to break up.”
“Because you love me so much, I recall,” he said bitterly.
“Yes,” she answered. “I love you and I’ve wrapped my whole life around you. So much so that I didn’t realize I had no idea who I was anymore. And that’s not your fault and I should have done a better job of communicating that. I just needed some space to try and remember who I am without the alien stuff and to figure out if the dreams I wanted before, if I still want them.”
“Okay, fine,” he said and his frustration was showing. “But I don’t get why you’re- what do you want from me?”
“Your forgiveness for hurting you,” she said. “And a plea for patience. Can you let me figure out what I need to figure out?”
“How long is that going to be? Two weeks, two years?” he asked, throwing his hands up.
“I realize it’s a lot to ask,” she said. “I think I know what I want, but I just don’t want to rush back into anything without really knowing. We’ve done that too often.”
“Who says I even want you back?” he asked and she refused to be hurt.
“I know you, Michael,” she said. “Don’t hurt me to protect yourself. That’s not why I’m here.”
“You’re here so you can stop feeling guilty about it,” he said.
She shouldn’t be surprised at his perception, but she was a bit.
“In a way, yes,” she replied. “Will you please let me show you how I feel?”
“I don’t know if I can,” he mumbled, looking away, out of shame or frustration, she didn’t know.
Still, if there was one thing she’d learned over the years, it was that he was often the last person to know what he was really capable of and usually what it took was someone to encourage him to try or try again.
“I believe you can,” she said, taking a few steps up until she was standing with him on the landing and putting her hand on his shoulder.
“Fine,” he said, “but don’t blame me if this doesn’t work and you have to tell me the old fashioned way.”
“I won’t,” she promised. “But if it’s within your alien code, I know you can do this, Michael.”
He turned and hugged her, his breath heavy on her neck. She clung to him for a moment or two.
“Close your eyes,” he said. “Think about what you want to show me.”
She did as he requested, picturing first her conversation with Billy over Alex’s guitar and then her conversation with Max and her night in the desert, and then felt that special sense of closeness that meant Michael was connected to her. He didn’t show her anything, but she hadn’t expected him to. After never showing anyone anything and then her leaving him, well, she would be lucky if she ever got to see inside of him again and she realized suddenly she would regret that, she would miss that more than she’d miss anything else.
Somehow she knew when he was finished looking inside her by the way he tensed his grip on her and she only knew he’d succeeded when he spoke.
“I should punch him for talking to you like that,” he whispered into her shoulder and she briefly pondered whether he meant Billy or Max before deciding it didn’t really matter.
“Even though it made me realize how wrong I’d been?” she asked, holding him tightly.
“Especially because of that,” he said. “You deserve your own life, Maria. All I’ve done is mess it up.”
“Did you even listen to what we said?” she asked, pulling back to look him in the eyes. “Michael, you are worthwhile.”
“Okay,” he said, but she could tell it would take a lot more to make him believe that.
“Could you, could you feel what I felt?” she asked, trying a new approach.
“It doesn’t really work that way,” he said. “I mean, yes, I guess, but it’s not like when I show you flashes.”
“But do you understand how important you are to me?” she asked, desperate for him to know that.
“I, I think so,” he said, and he was a little less hostile.
“Then can you give me a little room to figure things out?” she asked. “And know that I will always, always come back to you?”
He sighed and moved away from her a bit. When he spoke he was looking over her shoulder, talking to someone else, maybe the person he used to be.
“I spent my whole life wondering who I was, what I was meant for,” he said. “Then I found out. I’m a soldier, I’m a fighter, I’m meant to end a war. I have a whole life waiting for me even if it would be really hard to get back to and fix.”
“I know,” she said.
“But I decided I didn’t want that life,” he said, looking at her. “Because of you. So now…now I don’t know who I am anymore. Without you, without that destiny.”
“I never thought of it that way,” she said, thinking how ironic it was they could go through the same identity crisis without even realizing it.
“Well, maybe we both need to,” he said.
“I think you’re right,” she said.
“Something in our relationship needed to change,” he admitted.
“But I didn’t go about it very well,” she said.
“No,” he said bluntly. “But then again, neither did I at some points.”
“We’re pretty complicated together,” she said. “But I don’t want to lose this by not trying.”
“Trying?” he asked.
“To give ourselves space to find ourselves so we can come back together and be better,” she said.
He stared at her for a minute.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “So, yes. Yes, I will let you go. Yes, I will use that time to figure out who I am. But, yes, you had better come back to me.”
“I promise,” she said, kissing him fiercely, relieved beyond words.
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back. The kiss was intense and urgent and she suddenly felt like she was tearing one of her limbs off even though she knew she was doing the right thing by leaving. She began to flash and what she saw made her want to cry. Because what she saw was of her and of them and of his fear for the future. There was no alien threat, there was no immediate danger, but she learned that Michael Guerin was afraid of nothing as much as he was afraid of losing her. She could relate. She kissed him hungrily, craving every second of interaction, storing it up so it would sustain her for the time they were apart. She knew in that kiss what her plan was, at least the beginnings of it.
He broke apart from her and they both gasped for air while he leaned his forehead on hers.
“Be safe for me,” he whispered.
“I will,” she said. “I’m going to New York and I’m going to sing and I’m going to write to you and if you need me for anything, you let me know. Give me three months and then I’ll come home.”
“What if you make it big?” he asked and she knew then his fears about Billy were gone since he hadn’t mentioned him.
“Then I’ll have fulfilled something and be satisfied,” she said and she finally felt peace with that. “Michael, it’s always you.”
“I really don’t deserve that,” he said.
“Neither do I,” she told him. “We’re two very messed up people.”
“I guess I can agree with that,” he said.
“But we make each other better,” she said. “When we try.”
He hesitated and she guessed there were some things he was still reluctant to share, especially after her rejection.
“I love you,” he said finally.
“I love you, too,” she answered immediately.
She held his hand tightly and she brought him downstairs and they passed Max and Michael muttered a ‘thanks, Maxwell,’ and Max smiled at them, seeing their joined hands. Maria hoped he realized what his intervention had meant to her and she hoped Michael realized how much someone else cared, even if the two were constantly at odds.
They announced her plans and Liz sprang up and hugged her tightly, demanding explanations. In fact, everyone demanded explanations.
That took a while and the whole time, Maria held on to him and Michael to her.
Then Maria and Michael walked out the door, still holding hands, because she was going to hold on to him every second until she left. She had to break the news to her mom, she had to pack, she had to quit school or at least postpone it, and she had to make plans. It was what she’d been building toward and the sooner she left, the sooner she could come back. Back to him.
Life didn’t surprise her often, but the fact that Max Evans could show her the way to her destiny was surprising. It might not be as straightforward as either music or Michael, normal or alien, but she was okay with that for the first time in a long time.