SWR: Who Art as the Shadow Part One

[jesterladyfic]

Title: Who Art as the Shadow
by Jesterlady
Pairing: Hera/Kanan
Summary: Kanan may die on top of that fuel pod, but that doesn't mean he has to leave his family.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars
The title is from a poem by Christina Rosetti
A/N: I've gone all over the place here about how the Force works and how Force Ghost works. It might not be your canon. EU is not my area of expertise, but it seems to indicate FG can show themselves to anyone but they really have to make an effort to touch things. Based on the movies themselves, FG sit on things, hit people with things, and interact with the environment. As far as needing to be taught to come back...well, that's not how I'm doing it.



Kanan had often wondered what death would be like and if it would amaze and surprise him. He spent so much time feeling and doing things that were mystical and unknown to other people that he didn’t think death could be so different than that.

It was a burst of pain and light and then…nothing. Well, not nothing or he wouldn’t have been able to give it that distinction. It was just nothing like he’d known before, not even in the Force. Yet the Force was there, still flowing through him, and he was grateful for that small comfort of familiarity.

Kanan was dead, he knew that for a fact, but he was still somehow himself…not just a part of the cosmic Force. It was then he realized that what he’d been told was somehow true, that death was not the end. But it wasn’t just as the Jedi had long taught him, but as he himself had learned by his interactions with the Force and its users. Death did not mean the death of self and will.

Because of this he began to hope that his exile to his current state was not permanent and he could still be a cause of good in the galaxy he’d come to consider under his guardianship and the people he had gathered under his care.

The first thing was to meditate on the Force so Kanan did so, giving himself to full consideration of the thing that had guided him all of his life, even when he actively ran from it.

It was not the same as when he was alive. Then he was so focused on how it moved through his physical being, touching each molecule of his body, driving his abilities and decisions. But now, the Force was simply in him, whoever he now was. In a way, he felt uniquely prepared for such contemplation. When he had been blinded by Maul, it had taken him time to learn to harness the Force in a new way and he’d had to figure it out by himself. Initially, he’d done it through desperation and need and worry for his padawan, but after that, it had been a long and arduous and painful process.

He felt grateful for the time spent then, because now he didn’t waste any trying to see the world through eyes or feel the world through hands. There was nothing physical in the Force here. Instead, he looked with his spirit and gradually a new focus and understanding came to him. He was still himself, still in the Force, but the Force was a part of death as well as life. Crossing that divide was something he could do as someone unhindered by the physical interference of material matter.

When he attempted to do so, he felt somewhat lost because he didn’t know where to cross that divide. As a Jedi he had been taught to let go and lose himself, but he didn’t think that would help him here. He needed something to hold on to, to remind him of who he was. The Force was overwhelming without a body to distract him. So Kanan focused, knowing exactly who he needed to focus on.

It was Hera, of course. He concentrated on what it felt like to love Hera, to know her, to follow her, to be with her. He couldn’t find her and felt somewhat panicked because if he couldn’t find Hera, he didn’t know if he could find anyone. Maybe because she was not Force sensitive he wouldn’t be able to reach her, but somehow, he felt the love that they’d shared was as much a part of the Force as any connection he and Ezra shared as master and padawan. He tried again.

He didn’t have the ability to reach her. Something blocked him, even if it was just his own inability to navigate the Force. He began to despair. But he wouldn’t stop trying; there was no point to anything if he didn’t try. Kanan reached out for Ezra this time, looking for the bright threads that bound them together. There was something there, something he could almost feel pulling him. Kanan moved, looking for Ezra and following the trail of something lost and confused and overwhelmed. When he found what he was looking for, he found Ezra slumped over and weary. Kanan felt the waves of grief coming from him and felt immediate guilt over it.

But there was something else there, several somethings in fact. Kanan realized quickly it was the lothwolves, wolves he could see now were barely physical since they were so full of the Force. They were aware of him, he found. Ezra clearly was not. The small beginnings of a plan formed in Kanan’s mind and he attempted to reach the wolves. They were receptive though he was not overly pleased of the way they terrorized Ezra to get him to where Kanan needed him to be, to where the leader of the wolves waited.

Kanan would have been taken aback if he had seen this wolf in life; it was larger than any wolf should be, larger than his pack by as much as his pack were larger than normal wolves. But the wolf appeared to be waiting for Kanan specifically and Kanan allowed his will to rest on the animal. Something of a physical sense once again entered into who Kanan was and he could think more clearly.

He began to see patterns in the Force, in the planet of Lothal, and in the fate of the galaxy. He could sense the unease in the wolves regarding a dark matter concerning Lothal and he focused his attention there, realizing the danger the Jedi temple was in almost immediately.

When Ezra came to Kanan, he didn’t try to reveal himself other than to give his name. Ezra was badly in need of focus and direction and Kanan couldn’t do that in this form. At least not yet. So Kanan helped him know where to go and hoped to be able to speak to him more clearly at a later point, to reassure Ezra that he hadn’t been left alone.

When Ezra woke up and started to make his way back to the base, Kanan had more choices to make. He left the wolf and got used to the lack of physicality again. It was less disorienting this time. He was happy with what he’d been able to do, but he wanted more. He wanted to connect with someone else. Kanan let himself open up to the Force again, feeling the patterns he had just learned on Lothal wash over him. He tried again to find Hera.

This time there was a faint connection and the glimmers of a path began to make sense to him. He followed the tendrils of her love and something happened: he could see her. He could see her with actual eyes that had nothing to do with physical sight. He somehow knew he was where she was. She was hurting, grieving, lost in indecision and worry. She was crouched down on the ground, Zeb near her, and they were trying to figure out what to do. Kanan still didn’t know how to make himself known but he tried anyway.

She closed her eyes and he reached out, discovering that as he did so, he had given a form to himself, the form of the man she had met, the man who finally was able to live because of her guidance, eyes clear and unclouded. He put his ghostly hand on her shoulder, comforting her as he could. Her hand touched his on her shoulder and he knew she could somehow feel his presence. He poured his eternal love for her into that presence, but it did not last forever.

***

Kanan could sense Ezra as he worked the problem of the painting and knew that his padawan would need him so he withdrew from Hera, as hard as that was to do. He watched Ezra open the door and dive through. He trusted Hera and Zeb would protect Sabine and followed. Followed was a loose term because Kanan was quickly realizing that distance didn’t mean anything to the Force. He knew where Ezra was, so he went there, too.

The world Ezra found himself walking in was now almost normal to Kanan, but he could tell Ezra was slightly overwhelmed, the many voices of those past and future to him, but always present in the Force, echoing around him. Kanan wasn’t sure what was going to happen in this world between worlds, but he knew that Ezra would likely want guidance and he was determined to give it or lead him to it.

Kanan felt something in this place, some task to be done. He realized what it would be when he saw the bird flying and instinctively knew this bird was the spirit guide of a mighty user in the light side of the Force. It was also a bird he had seen constantly in the presence of Ahsoka when she had been alive. With a new understanding, Kanan saw that death and life happened simultaneously in this place and each portal was a way to interact with all of time. Kanan did not need the portals to see and he knew what he hoped Ezra would do.

Indeed Ezra did it, freeing Ahsoka from the ruins of the Sith temple on Malachor and jerking her into this world. If Kanan could not yet guide his padawan himself, Ahsoka was the person he would trust to do it. Because Ezra was raw with grief and still young and Kanan didn’t know if alone Ezra could summon the strength to let go of Kanan in life.

He watched Ezra watch him die and he felt renewed sadness at leaving him, wishing he’d managed it better, that it didn’t have to be. He could still be Ezra’s mentor now, but he had to figure out how first. He focused and gave himself again the form he had been to Hera and he hoped that since Ezra was strong with the Force he would see him, since Kanan was still new at this.

“Well done,” he said.

Ezra’s head snapped up and Ahsoka’s eyes widened.

“But, I-I don’t understand,” said Ezra.

“Hey, I don’t get it myself,” said Kanan.

“Kanan?” Ezra asked hopefully.

“It’s me,” said Kanan. “Are you okay?”

“Not really,” said Ezra. “I just watched you die…again.”

“I know and I’m sorry,” said Kanan. “But I don’t regret saving you.”

“I should have helped,” Ezra said. “Together we could have-”

“Regretting the past isn’t the way to shape the future,” Kanan said.

“I guess dying really does make you talk like that,” said Ahsoka, eyeing him ruefully.

Kanan couldn’t help but laugh.

“You might know more than me,” he said.

“Only rumors and legend,” she answered. “But I feel you are Kanan Jarrus, so I’m going on faith here.”

“Aren’t we all?” he answered.

“So, are you back?” asked Ezra. “You’re not alive.”

“No, not alive,” said Kanan cheerfully, “but I don’t see why death has to get in the way of anything.”

“But will you still be with us when, when we leave?” Ezra asked.

“I hope so,” said Kanan. “I’m still getting the hang of this. I could only reach you through the lothwolves before.”

He stiffened, sensing something wrong, something Dark.

“Maybe because this place is timeless in the Force,” Ahsoka surmised.

“Probably helping,” Kanan agreed. “But right now, you two have to get out of here.”

“What’s the matter?” asked Ezra.

A cackling laughter answered him and Kanan felt cold darkness slither through the Force.

He couldn’t protect them, not from this.

“Run,” he told them.

Ahsoka held back the cold fire of the Emperor and saved Ezra when he fell and Kanan was infinitely grateful to her.

He watched as Ahsoka and Ezra both made it through their respective portals, back to the physical world and felt that he now had time, a little time, to figure out precisely how to be present.

“A pity you came back, Kanan Jarrus,” the Emperor said and Kanan would have shuddered if he had been alive.

The truth was, death brought much clarity and while he was still as much himself as he had ever been, it was incredibly freeing to not have to try and avoid death. It caused a certain sort of courage to rise up within him.

He faced the source of all the evil of the Empire and was not afraid as he might have been once. He knew there was still much the Emperor could do, but Kanan would never run away again. If he ran, it would be toward something.

“Pity definitely had something to do with it,” he said and resolved to leave and therefore did.

Kanan watched Ezra and Hera as they stood over the now departed Jedi temple. The lothwolves were running in the distance and Hera once again touched Kanan’s hand on her shoulder.

“I can still feel him, you know,” Hera told Ezra sadly.

“I know,” said Ezra, looking hopefully to where the wolves were vanishing into the horizon.

Kanan couldn’t answer him then, but it didn’t matter. He would soon.

***

Kanan watched over the team as they found their way back to the Rebel base and once they were there, knew he had to make himself known in the physical world. He let his concern for them fall into the Force and gave himself his body in form, this time easier than the previous times he’d done so.

They were debriefing Ryder and the others and Ezra was putting a plan together, but Kanan could see him continuously looking over his shoulder as if he expected Kanan to pop out at any moment. Kanan didn’t think now was the right time; besides, he wanted to talk to Hera alone. He ached to talk to Hera alone.

While he waited Kanan thought about what he was going to do. He suddenly had tasks and plans, something that was slightly alien now that he was dead. However, his role of being an influence in the galaxy was not ended. He thought of Ahsoka and knew that he needed to try and find her now that he knew she was alive. He still didn’t trust his new abilities within the Force to leave his family just yet, but she was very high on his list of priorities once he felt slightly more stable in what he could do.

Eventually the team disbanded, moving to the separate corners of the base and the crawler. Kanan made sure Ezra was talking with Sabine and Zeb before he followed Hera into the inner cave where she immediately went to her kalikori and picked it up, her fingers moving idly over the etching he saw now carried a symbol he knew was meant for him. He felt overwhelmed at the gesture and resolved he would make himself known to her no matter what.

Chopper was fidgeting with something right outside the cave entrance and Kanan figured that was a good sign, knowing Chopper would consider it his sworn duty to keep anyone from bothering Hera. He would have the time he needed.

So Kanan let his love for Hera fill his being and his connection to the Force and practically shoved that to her with everything he had within him. At first there was nothing, but after a minute she gasped slightly and said his name, but he could tell she only felt him, she did not see him.

“Hera,” he said, reaching out for her with ghostly fingers.

“Kanan?” she spoke again, sounding confused more than anything.

“I’m here,” he answered.

“Where are you?” she asked, looking around. He could tell the exact moment she saw him and the spectral version of him he projected for her. “Kanan!”

He smiled at her lopsidedly.

“You didn’t think just because I was dead, I was going to leave you, did you?”

She stared at him for a moment or two, her mouth open, and then she launched herself toward him. He met her halfway, unsure if she would go right through him, but he wanted to hold her more than he’d wanted anything.

She didn’t feel solid and he feared their touch was temporary, but he still got to hold her for a moment.

“You giant idiot,” she said finally. “I love you so much.”

“Hey! And I love you, too,” he said.

“How are you here?” she asked, moving back to look at him, tears on her face.

“The Force?” he said almost like a question.

“So you’re still dead,” she said, “your eyes are back.”

“This is my ideal look, I guess,” he said.

“Thank goodness your hair isn’t mangled,” she said, sniffling.

He laughed and reached out to touch her face, but his hands didn’t make contact this time.

“Guess that didn’t last,” he murmured.

She put out a hand toward him.

“Don’t leave me again,” she said.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “You know, unless I have to go somewhere. But I’ll be back.”

“Can you please stop being ridiculous and explain this to me?” she asked, sounding much more like her old self.

“I don’t really understand it myself,” he said. “This is just the next step for me in the Force. I’m lucky because it means I get to be with you. I just…well, I’m still getting the hang of it, so bear with me.”

“I guess I can do that,” she said and smiled at him. “Does Ezra know you’re back?”

“Yeah,” said Kanan. “I couldn’t reach you at first so I tried him and I spoke with him and Ahsoka when they were inside the temple.”

“The little ingrate,” she said fondly. “He didn’t say anything.”

“He probably didn’t want to get your hopes up,” said Kanan. “I wasn’t so sure this could work outside of that place myself. Plus, we were interrupted.”

“So what next?” she asked.

“Um…I don’t know,” he said sheepishly.

“So much for the omnipotence of the Jedi,” said Hera, laughing.

“Hey, we already knew that,” Kanan replied, then grew serious. “It’s good to see you laugh. It’s good to see you.”

“I missed your eyes,” she admitted, stepping closer. “I knew you were still you, but they were beautiful eyes and I missed the way they would follow me around, watching over me.”

“You don’t have to explain,” he said. “I missed them, too. But I really missed them when I wanted to remember how beautiful you are.”

She smiled.

“Thank you for coming back,” she said, “but I still wish I could hit you for going away.”

“I know,” he said. “But I can’t do anything about that.”

“You could go solid again,” she suggested.

“If I go solid again, it’s going to be to kiss you,” he said.

“I guess I can handle that,” she replied.

“Me too,” he said, but he wasn’t really sure he could deliver on that right now.

“We should tell the others you’re here,” said Hera. “As much as I want to keep you all to myself, that wouldn’t be fair to them.”

“I’m not sure Sabine and Zeb will be able to see me,” Kanan said. “They aren’t particularly Force sensitive.”

“Neither am I,” Hera pointed out.

“Well, we all are to some extent,” Kanan said. “Besides, I think you are more than you know. Do you know how extraordinary your reflexes are? I’ve suspected for years you were able to latently tap into the Force when you’re flying.”

“So that’s why I can see you?” she asked.

“Well, among other things,” he said. “The Force is in every living thing and every connection. The connection we share…” He self-consciously rubbed the side of his head, “…well, I think it’s pretty powerful.”

“I would agree,” she said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t admit that.” She looked down. “I always felt it, Kanan. I’ve loved you for a long time.”

“I know,” said Kanan. “Even when I was frustrated, I still knew that. Sometimes I didn’t let myself believe it, but everything you did told me even when you couldn’t say it.”

“We should’ve been together a long time ago,” said Hera.

“Hera, we were together,” he said. “You can’t do the things we did or go through what we did without being together. It just didn’t have a label until now.”

“True,” she admitted.

“I mean, I can’t count the number of times the kids called us an old married couple or something like that,” Kanan said.

“I didn’t really let myself hear stuff like that,” she said.

“So that’s why I’m the one who heard it all the time,” he said, smirking at her.

“Kids say to dad what mom won’t hear?” she suggested.

“Something like that,” he replied.

“So we should still tell them,” Hera said, returning to the original point.

“I want to,” he said, “but I don’t want them to feel bad if they can’t see me.”

“Well, there’s no way Ezra and I could keep something like this from them,” said Hera.

“I wasn’t suggesting you should,” he said, putting his hands out defensively. “Tomorrow morning we should try. It’s going to get a little hard for moments like this soon. It’s time for Lothal to be free and we’re all going to be very busy.”

“True,” she acknowledged. “So, going to stay with me all night?” she asked, sitting down on a small pallet in the corner.

It was the same pallet he’d laid out for himself when the wolves had led them here. The one he’d laid awake all night long the night before they went to rescue her.

“Certainly not going to quit that habit now,” he said, following her and lying down beside her.

“I can’t really feel you’re here,” she said, after a moment.

“I’ll get better,” he said.

“I’m sure you will,” she said, half laughing.

“I’m sure you’re tired,” he said. “You should get some sleep.”

“I just want to look at you for a bit,” she said, shifting to face him.

“I wouldn’t mind that myself,” he whispered.

Hera fell asleep not long afterwards and Kanan kept watch over her through the night, marveling at the way he could still be connected to her. Her chest rose and fell with her breaths and he counted them as he meditated in the Force, figuring out what came next and how he could still continue to be a contributing member of their family.

***

The morning was clear and cold and Kanan spared a quick thought to wanting to feel the wind on his face. The feeling passed quickly and he guessed he would rather have his sight than the ability to feel the wind. Not that either of those things mattered much. During his long night he felt more confident in what he could do with the Force now, though he still felt he had much to learn.

Hera stirred in her sleep and Kanan put one hand close to her face, but he didn’t try to touch her.

“Kanan,” she murmured and then suddenly shot upright. “Kanan!” she called out anxiously.

“Right here,” he said, laughing a little.

“I thought it might have been a dream,” she admitted, smiling.

“Nope, you’re stuck with me,” he said.

“I guess I’ll have to make do,” she replied, stretching, and he enjoyed the sight before Chopper came whizzing into the cavern. “Slow down, Chop,” said Hera. “I’m just talking…” and she paused, looking at Kanan.

“To me, Chop,” said Kanan, addressing the droid, but he wasn’t surprised when Chopper didn’t register he was there.

The droid made an incredulous beeping noise.

“No, I’m not crazy,” said Hera, fondly patting Chopper’s casing. “At least, I don’t think so. Can you get the others and ask them to come in here, please?”

Chopper chortled an affirmative and raced out.

“I guess we’ll see what happens next,” said Kanan.

“Yeah, I’ll really get to check on my sanity,” she replied, smiling.

“What is going on?” Zeb asked grouchily as he lumbered into the cave, Ezra and Sabine following. “Chopper is jabbering away about something-”

“Kanan!” cried Ezra happily. “You really are here!”

“Yeah, of course I am,” Kanan said, grinning at him.

“Uh, what are you talking about?” asked Sabine.

“Yeah, are you okay, kid?” asked Zeb.

Hera and Kanan exchanged glances.

“Well, I guess that answers that question,” Hera replied.

“Give me time,” said Kanan. “In the meantime, well, at least you two can see me.”

“What question?” asked Sabine, sounding worried.

“Kanan is standing right there with Hera,” said Ezra. “He’s dead, I think, but he’s kind of blue, and, well, he talked to me in the temple and now he’s here.”

“What?” asked Zeb.

“Kanan is here,” Hera confirmed. “We hoped you would be able to see him, but he didn’t think you’d be able to since you aren’t Force sensitive.”

“What and you are?” asked Zeb sarcastically.

“If anybody’s connected in the Force it’s the two of them,” Ezra said, and Kanan could practically see the burden lifting off him.

He didn’t want to have to disillusion Ezra, but even with Kanan there, well, Ezra still had a lot to do. But he could help and he would do everything he could.

“Are you telling me Kanan is actually here?” Sabine said, tears in her voice.

“Tell her I said she better not try to hug me,” said Kanan.

Ezra repeated his words and Sabine gave a little choked cry.

“I can’t believe it,” she said.

“Well, I still don’t,” said Zeb, looking uncomfortable and worried.

“Better tell Zeb that if he doesn’t believe it, he probably won’t mind if I share the story about the smuggling run we did with those Togruta twins right after he joined the crew,” Kanan said smugly, folding his arms.

Hera shot him a look and he sheepishly unfolded them.

“I’m not sure why he thought this was a great idea, but I guess there’s some kind of a story about the Togruta sisters we hired that one time,” Hera said sternly.

Zeb’s eyes widened.

“How would you kn- Kanan, Kanan is here?” Zeb said, looking wildly around.

“Yes, he’s here,” said Ezra. “Oh, I’m so glad to see you. We have to plan what’s next.”

“And we will,” said Kanan. “But after what I heard last night, I think you got this, Ezra. Your plan is insane and solid all at the same time.”

“That’s me,” said Ezra, sounding a little embarrassed.

“This whole hearing only one side of the conversation thing is very annoying,” said Sabine.

“Right,” said Hera. “Well, um, I guess we should go meet with Ryder and the others.”

“I don’t believe this,” said Zeb. He swallowed and then looked in the wrong direction from where Kanan was standing. “Uh, well, I’m glad you’re back, mate.”

“Me too,” said Sabine in a small voice. “Don’t do that again, okay?”

“I won’t be leaving any of you again,” said Kanan. “I promise.”

Hera repeated his words softly and Kanan found the ability to reach down and clutch her hand for one brief moment.

She smiled at him and followed the others out.

***

They didn’t try to tell Ryder or any of the others that Kanan was back. It wouldn’t have made sense to them and they wouldn’t see him so Kanan made himself quiet during the planning. It was rather amusing watching Zeb strain his eyes trying to see him though. On the whole Ezra’s plan was solid and Kanan didn’t really know what he could add to it. When the time came for Hera to leave to do her part, Kanan went with her.

He stood with Ezra for a moment or two while Hera got her things together.

“I know why you’re going with her,” Ezra said, rubbing his hair, “but I kind of wish you were staying here. I mean, what if I mess this up?”

“You’re going to be fine,” said Kanan. “I know you’re still learning and I know none of this has been fair to you, but you’re ready. These are your people and I think only you really know how to free them.”

“I wish I had your confidence,” said Ezra.

Kanan smiled at him.

“You’ll have it when you need it. I’m proud of you, Ezra.”

“Thanks,” Ezra said quietly. “You’ll come back though, right?”

“That’s the plan,” Kanan said, mustering his ability to put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “Trust in the Force and whatever path you take will be the right one.”

“Yes, master,” said Ezra, a small smile beginning on his face. “I guess I don’t have to say may the Force be with you now.”

Kanan chuckled.

“Maybe not, but may the Force be with you.”

Kanan turned and headed to Hera who, having already made her goodbyes, was ready to leave.

“Ready?” she asked him. “At least since no one else can see you, this will be like sneaking one person off the planet, not two.”

“Glad to be of service,” he said, winking at her.

***

Sneaking off Lothal took a long time but it was so much like old times that Kanan enjoyed it tremendously. He liked watching Hera be competent and covert and while he still worried about her, it went smoothly enough and they were soon on a stolen transport and she was signaling Rex and Kallus.

After that there wasn’t much to do but enjoy the sight of blue as the ship traveled through hyperspace.

Hera leaned back in her chair and swiveled it to look at Kanan as he sat in the other one. For some reason inorganic matter was a lot easier for him to touch, but he wasn’t complaining.

“Hopefully, Rex and Kallus can signal Hondo and the others and we’ll be able to gather everyone quickly,” she said. “I don’t like that so much of this plan has us separated.”

“They’re going to be fine,” said Kanan reassuringly.

“I know it’s naïve of me,” said Hera, putting her hand on her stomach, “but even when we were fighting for our lives, it was very easy to think we were all going to make it. We all did for so long. Until you.”

“Sorry to break the pattern,” he said gently. “It’s not what I wanted, but what I felt I had to do.”

“See, that doesn’t make sense to me,” she admitted. “Ezra told me it seemed like you expected to die. Why wouldn’t you at least try to live…for us?”

Her voice was more broken than he ever wanted to hear it and he didn’t have the right words to reply to it.

“I know you would give your life for any of your crew,” Kanan said finally. “So would I. I wanted you to live, even if that meant I couldn’t live with you.”

“I wasn’t exactly myself at the time,” she said, “but I still think there was another way.”

“Maybe,” he said. “I admit I wasn’t thinking extremely clearly myself. I was feeling my way in the Force and my gut instinct was to save all of you. I’m not sorry for that, just sorry for the grief I put you through.”

“I know,” she said, smiling slightly at him. “I guess it could be worse.”

“As far as deaths go, I’m having a pretty lively one,” he joked.

“You’re impossible,” she said fondly.

“But I’m all yours,” he said seriously. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you, but, Hera, I’m never going to leave you. I don’t think I could. Does that…can you live with that?”

“Kanan, I thought I’d lost you,” she replied. “I thought I’d never have you again. And through my own stupidity I’d never get the chance to really live the way I felt, so forever? Forever sounds perfect to me.”

He couldn’t help grinning at her. He felt the Force thrumming with their connection every time she told him she loved him and he didn’t think he’d ever get enough of it.

“Good,” he said simply and leaned forward, making himself solid enough to kiss her.

It didn’t feel the same way it did when he was alive. Instead of his blood pumping and his hormones jumping, he felt the Force and he felt her love and it was just as thrilling.

“I’m glad you can still do that,” she said, pulling back.

“Maybe one day more,” he said, smirking at her.

She rolled her eyes at him and felt her stomach again.

“I’ll be back,” she said and he watched her as she entered the refresher.

Closing his eyes was a habit, but it still felt natural to do as he reached out with his senses. He could feel Hera and an excitement in her, but he stretched out beyond that to around the ship, then back to Lothal. Ezra was a bright star at the corner of his reach and Kanan allowed himself to withdraw from that sense, to bring his attention back to the here and now, since he was sure they were all still safe. When he opened his eyes again, he sensed more time had passed than he had been aware of.

Hera exited the refresher and made her way back to him, her eyes suspiciously wet.

“What’s wrong?” he asked her, frowning.

“Well, I got some news,” Hera said, sitting down and leaning forward. “Something I suspected for a bit, but just now confirmed.”

He cast his senses over her and then sat dumbfounded for a moment. He didn’t know why he hadn’t seen it before. The Force was alive and thriving and practically pulsating within Hera. It wasn’t just her own connection, her own luminescence as a sentient being; now there was someone else contributing to the Force within her.

“You’re-” he started to say.

“I’m pregnant,” she said, beaming at him.

There was a real baby growing inside of her and he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it.

“I know…” he finally said stupidly. “I can feel it.”

“You can?” she repeated. “I guess that’s not surprising.”

He moved forward and paid more attention to what he could see.

“I can,” he confirmed. “And it’s beautiful.”

“You’re not worried?” she asked. “I admit, I’m a little worried.”

“Well, the timing could have been better,” he said, “but it could also have been worse. After all, it might never have happened at all if…”

She smiled quickly at him.

“After you…after we got back to the base,” Hera amended, “I got checked out since the probe had…” He nodded, surprising himself with how upset he could still get at someone hurting her. “We didn’t have the best equipment, but I’d been feeling, well, feeling off. There were some strange readings that I wasn’t sure about, but we were so busy with the temple and I was so upset, I didn’t pursue it. But I wondered and today I thought we could find out together.”

“And it’s real,” he said softly.

“And you’re here,” she said, her voice laden with tears.

“I promise, I’m here,” he said. “And I can’t wait.”

“I think I could stand to put it off a little bit,” she said. “But that could be the blinding pain part.”

“I know our genetics match up,” he said, “but you need to get checked out by a professional soon.”

“I know,” she said, “and I will.”

“But I have a feeling,” he said, sensing his son’s energy through the Force, so small but so vibrant, “that he’s going to be just fine.”

“He?” she queried, raising an eyebrow.

“He,” Kanan confirmed.

“I guess that narrows down the name choices,” she said, smiling.

“Gotta make it easier somewhere,” he said. He put his hand out to her and held hers. “I already know what an amazing mother you are, Hera. You’ve got this.”

“We’ve got this,” she reminded him, squeezing his hand.

“We’ve got this,” he repeated back to her.

***

It had been amusing during the trip back in the Ghost watching Hera look like a crazy person talking to him with Rex and Kallus looking alarmed. Hondo had claimed right away he could see Kanan and spoke to him at all times, including him in every remark. He was usually talking to a wall, but Kanan thought that was the best part.

He tried to stay out of the way and not distract Hera when she was trying to coordinate and keep everyone convinced she was sane. He had enough to think about and he kept stretching his senses out to Lothal. He sensed something was happening there, something with Ezra and his plans. Kanan wasn’t sure what it was, but he wasn’t worried enough about it to leave Hera to check. Ezra was going to be fine and he had Sabine and Zeb with him.

Kanan had to admit that even though he was still there, there were now limits to how he could help Ezra, even as other possibilities opened up to him. But one of the only reasons he’d felt so sure about laying down his life was that he was confident in his family’s ability to survive without him, to be the amazing people he’d watch them grow into being. He was going to trust Ezra and trust the Force and concentrate on where he was. He would let the others of his family make their choices and concentrate his own on where he was truly needed.

Because he had new life to think about. He knew that he grinned whenever he thought of their son, he couldn’t help it. He and Hera had created a life together and that was something he’d kept himself from dreaming of. To have it happen was beyond his wildest hopes, though he had the slightest worry that being as he now was would keep him from being a good father. Maintaining his form was easier and easier and so he resolved to stay that way if he could. But he would need to grow into interacting with the physical world around him and hopefully his son would not need that to know how much Kanan cared for him.

They needed to get beyond their present circumstances first so Kanan put all thoughts of the future away. He was present, present in the Force. It was somehow easier and harder to do now. He was a presence now, a watcher. And that was what he did.

He watched Hera break through the blockade and watched her defeat Pryce’s forces. He watched Ezra command the wolves and defeat the bounty hunter. He watched Zeb and Sabine fight and win. He was proud and he didn’t feel the need to intervene. They had this and he didn’t need to protect them anymore.

He watched Ezra’s plan unfold as they took the dome and he watched it disintegrate as Thrawn arrived. He watched Ezra stare at Sabine and then turn in his direction before jumping into the vent. He watched Sabine and Hera strategize and beat the Empire at its own game. He watched Zeb risk his life to put the plan into motion.

He felt Ezra’s extreme sorrow and indecision and watched without interfering as Ezra turned down the most powerful man in the galaxy and defeated his own failings and fought, without his weapons or his Master, to capture the man who had plagued them all for two years.

When they were at the breaking point, when Thrawn’s ships appeared to prevail, Kanan heard the call of the purrgill and smiled.

Hera looked at Kanan and he looked back at her and answered the mute plea in her face. She was trusting Ezra, too, but she couldn’t feel what Kanan felt.

He nodded to her and vanished from her sight, but he was on the bridge of Thrawn’s Destroyer and he watched Ezra hold both sides at bay.

He was there when Sabine told Ezra to leave and he was there when Ezra said he couldn’t. Ezra looked Kanan straight in the eye and spoke his final words.

“It’s up to all of you now. And remember,” Kanan spoke the words to Ezra, along with Ezra, and felt the pure thrill of the Force as it resonated with the path Ezra was taking, “the Force will be with you always.”

Kanan bowed his head to Ezra and Ezra nodded in return. Then Kanan returned to Hera and the others and Ezra vanished in the Destroyer.

He did not interfere as Sabine and the others executed the plan, but he took the opportunity to find his way to Governor Pryce’s office and once he found it, summoned the will to carry his lightsaber back to the Ghost, leaving with everyone else.

And then Lothal was free.

***

They flew over the world of Lothal and the people below them cheered. Kanan stared in awe at the people he’d watched beaten down and oppressed for years finally stand up for themselves and win their own planet back from the hands of the Empire. This was something he had contributed to, something his family had brought about, but ultimately something Lothal itself chose. There was nothing more gratifying.

Hera settled the Ghost outside of town, away from all of the chaos, and they finally all looked at each other and realized that this was over.

Not the war, not yet, but for the moment, this was over.

“I could sleep for three weeks straight,” Zeb said, stretching.

“I’m not even tired,” Kanan joked, expecting nothing but Hera to roll her eyes at him.

Instead Zeb jumped three feet in the air and banged his head on the top of the ship.

“Karabast!” Zeb said. “Why’d you do that?”

“Hey, you can see me!” Kanan said happily.

“I can see you, too!” Sabine said excitedly.

Kallus and Rex were looking at them like they were crazy, but Kanan didn’t mind that. He was too busy grinning.

“I’m really getting the hang of this,” he said proudly.

Hera smiled fondly before getting up and moving toward him, putting her hand out as if she meant to touch him but wasn’t sure it would work.

“And now that you are,” she said. “You have to go and find him.”

Kanan nodded, knowing she would ask him this.

“You know, it seems like the kid found his own path,” he offered. “I don’t want him to think we don’t trust him.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Hera. “Of course we trust him. Now we want him to come home. You heard his message; he can’t wait until he comes home. The sooner we know where he is, the sooner he can do that. If you think for one second I’m leaving one of my kids out there without trying to find him, you’re insane!”

Kanan tried to suppress his smile, but he couldn’t. He expected no less from her and the reaction was, as always, inspired.

“Of course I’m going to look for him,” Kanan said reasonably. “Just…don’t expect too much. I can tell he’s got something he needs to do.”

“You’re so much more irritating now that you’re dead,” Sabine commented. “Go get Ezra already!”

Kanan winked at her and turned back to Hera, reaching out and happily putting his hands on her shoulders.

“It might take me a while,” he said. “And I’m still learning.”

“I’ll try to be patient,” she said. “Just, come back to me, love.”

“That’s inevitable,” he said.

He focused on Ezra, on his bright padawan and their connection. There wasn’t anything physical he could find, but he had so much more knowledge of the Force at his disposal now. He reached and eventually felt the edges of possibility.

He did not find Ezra, but he sensed he was where Ezra had been, so he tried again. There, just out of reach of his senses. Kanan followed that but again, no Ezra.

He did this several times, mostly amused at the way the Force led him, almost as if it was stretching him, showing him his new world and what he could do.

Finally he did land in a place that when he reached out, he found who he was looking for.

Ezra was there, straightening up from binding some troopers next to an already bound Thrawn. They were on the bridge of the crashed Destroyer. Kanan had absolutely no idea where in the galaxy they were. He listened but while the Force knew this place as it knew all places, Kanan did not.

“Let me guess,” Ezra said wryly, “Hera sent you.”

“Smart guess,” Kanan said. “So, how’s it going?”

“Well, I have no clue where I am and I haven’t made any new friends,” said Ezra, gesturing to his captives.

Kanan had to laugh at the sight of Thrawn narrowing his eyes at Ezra apparently talking to thin air.

“That sounds like you,” Kanan said. “What’s your next move?”

“Well, so far we’re all who have survived,” Ezra said. “We took at least a day to get here. The sensors show life on the planet, but are too damaged for me to get a good reading. The purrgill are gone. I’ve gathered some supplies and need to figure out where I am.”

“Want an advance scout?” Kanan asked, inwardly extremely impressed at how Ezra was handling himself.

“You know, that might not be a bad idea,” said Ezra.

“I have to ask, who do you think you’re talking with?” Thrawn asked from behind Ezra.

Kanan laughed as he went to try to figure out where they were.

The planet was small and Kanan quickly found the nearest and largest city. Their star charts were strange and even with the Force, Kanan couldn’t figure out where they corresponded to in his own realm of knowledge. After a lot of searching, he realized that there wasn’t much he could do other than give Ezra bad news.

He returned to the end of an argument between Ezra and Thrawn and was satisfied to see Thrawn sink into a calculated silence, but a silence nonetheless.

“So?” Ezra asked.

“Bad news, kid. You’re in the Uncharted Territories. You can get a ship, but even with hyperspace, it’s going to take a really long time to get back.”

“That sounds about right,” said Ezra and he sounded half-resigned, half-expectant.

“Something tells me this is what you thought would happen,” Kanan said.

“Like I said,” Ezra said, shrugging. “There is something I have to see through.”

“We can try and meet you,” said Kanan. “On my way back I can try and plot a course. Not sure if that will work, but I can try.”

“Don’t leave any work unfinished on my behalf,” said Ezra, smiling sadly. “The Empire isn’t beaten yet and that’s more important.”

Kanan chuckled.

“You know, you are so much more than the street rat we picked up four years ago.”

“Hey, that’s entirely your fault,” Ezra protested. “I was doing just fine on my own.”

“And there he is,” said Kanan.

“Seriously though, thank you,” said Ezra.

“It was an honor,” said Kanan.

They stood and stared at each other for an awkward moment before Ezra sniffed and spoke.

“You know, I just got you back and now I’m losing you again.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who left this time,” Kanan pointed out.

“No, you just set a really bad example,” Ezra said.

“You got me there,” Kanan agreed. “But I’ll come back.”

“So will I,” said Ezra.

“This isn’t goodbye till then,” said Kanan. “I have a feeling Hera will see me as a very convenient messenger service.”

“Good,” said Ezra. “Thank you.”

“We’re having a baby, you know,” Kanan said suddenly, unsure why now was the best time to reveal that.

“What?” Ezra asked, grinning. “A baby! That’s amazing. How? Uh, I mean, why? Um, never mind. That’s really great, Kanan.”

“I think so,” said Kanan. “And I hope he grows up just like you.”

“Well, he’s got the right father for that,” said Ezra.

Ezra stepped forward and hugged Kanan who felt as solid as he had ever been when he was alive. It almost felt like he was hugging the Force itself, which was weird to think about.

“I’m always with you, Ezra,” he said.

“I know,” said Ezra, stepping back. “Now go be the best dad in the galaxy. Tell everyone I love them and for Hera not to worry.”

“Oh, that’s not gonna stop,” said Kanan. “But we trust you, we know you can do this and this is your decision and your path.”

“Thank you, master,” said Ezra, bowing slightly.

Kanan nodded back.

“Until next time,” he said.

***

Kanan did pay attention to how he made his way home in case it would help Ezra, but he knew it would still be a long trip. Besides, it wasn’t really something he could detail on a star chart. He was following the Force which didn’t always match physical landmarks. Still, he thought it would help Ezra come back sooner or allow them to collect him much sooner.

While he was finding his way back, his thoughts drifted to Ahsoka and thought it would be a good time for him to check up on her.

She was on Malachor as he had thought she would be. She was meditating in the Sith temple and Kanan was surprised to find that the place did not seem as dark to him as when he last saw it. He could feel the Force flowing through it, he could feel the Dark side as it was seeped into the planet itself, but he was not cold or afraid as he had been before. He wasn’t sure if that was because he was a part of the Force as a whole and knew the Dark side as a balance to the Light or if Ahsoka’s presence was making a difference.

Either way, it wasn’t nearly as traumatizing to return as he was sure it would have been if he had been alive.

Ahsoka did not open her eyes but spoke.

“How are you, Kanan?”

“Still dead,” he said. “I’m glad you made it out okay.”

“I was fortunate,” she replied. “Ezra has learned much since I last saw him.”

“We all have,” he said. “Even you have, I think.”

“Despite spending much of it alone,” she said. “I did not want to disrupt time and I sensed staying here was the best option until another sign reached me.”

“I hope I can be that sign for you,” he said.

“Yes, I believe you are,” Ahsoka said, finally opening her eyes and smiling. “I am glad to see you.”

“Me too,” he said. “Losing you on Malachor, well, it wasn’t good. It’s nice to know we didn’t really leave you behind.”

“Are those your words or Ezra’s words?” she asked.

Kanan shrugged.

“They say it’s hard not to take on the traits of your master,” he said.

Ahsoka winced slightly.

“Yes, I suppose it is,” she answered and then stood up. “I take it something has happened?”

“Well, a few things,” said Kanan and explained to her the events of the past month or so.

“There is a great shift coming,” Ahsoka said. “It’s about time.”

“I agree,” Kanan said. “But somehow it feels like our part is over, or at least it’s really changed.”

“Perhaps,” said Ahsoka. “Is that what the Force tells you?”

“Well, it’s easy to see how my part has changed,” said Kanan, gesturing to his ghostly appearance. “I can’t really influence the physical world the way I used to and I…” he stopped, thinking. “I don’t need to. I’m at peace now with my role in the physical world. I think if I tried to do more, I would just end up shifting the balance too much.”

“You are a very strange Jedi Knight, Kanan Jarrus,” Ahsoka said, inclining her head to him. “I think I see in you what could have been for my Master, for myself, for many others. Perhaps what the Jedi were meant to be. The Force led you here even in death and for that I’m glad.”

“I never thought of myself as an example for anybody,” he admitted. “Even after meeting Ezra, the idea of trying to lead was terrifying. I’m not sure what happened.”

“You opened yourself up to where the Force led and to possibilities and to love,” Ahsoka said somewhat sadly. “But you didn’t twist those connections or grasp the power of those possibilities and you didn’t let fear control your love. I’ve spent a long time thinking about these things and, well, that is my conclusion.”

“You’re probably right,” Kanan said, feeling odd about accepting her observations even as he felt the truth of them ring out in the Force. “You usually are.”

“Usually,” she said, winking at him. “Now, I believe you have a family to return to.”

“What about you?” he asked.

“I appreciate your concern,” she said. “But I was not stuck here; I have waited to leave this planet ‘til the right time. I believe I must keep a promise to Ezra.”

“I can help with that,” Kanan said and gave her his ideas about Ezra’s location.

“I think I need to do some scouting,” she said. “When the time comes for him to come home…”

“Take Sabine with you,” Kanan said, remembering Ezra’s message to her.

“I think I will,” said Ahsoka. “I will find you all once I know how to find him.”

“And if he lets me know anything different, I’ll let you know,” said Kanan.

“Thank you,” Ahsoka said. “Be well, Kanan.”

“I can’t get any better than this,” he said and laughed.

Now that his mind was settled regarding Ahsoka, he found returning to Hera to be the easiest thing in the world. He would explain his encounters, soothe their fears, and help them to understand that the Force knew what it was doing. Ezra and Ahsoka knew what they were doing. Kanan couldn’t hold on to them and keep them by his side. Sure, it helped he could see them whenever he wanted to now, but there were destinies at play here, he could feel it. The others wouldn’t, but their part was on the ground, in the everyday battle, and he would watch over them so the others could do what they had to do. Someday their family would be reunited, but the war was before them still.

***

Lothal settled into a state of weary watchfulness, but there was an undercurrent of pride and determination that Kanan could palpably feel. They knew they had won their planet, but they also knew it was likely the Empire would strike back at some point. They would be ready.

The crew of the Ghost were meeting to discuss that and their future plans.

“I don’t think we should just abandon Lothal,” Sabine pointed out. “As hard as they fight, they’re no match for the Empire.”

“Agreed,” said Hera, “but they’re not the only ones. Lothal is actually in a better state than a lot of places right now. We can be proud of that, but that doesn’t mean we can give up fighting ourselves.”

“I’m not saying we should,” argued Sabine. “But this isn’t just any planet, this is our planet. Ezra might be the only one from here, but this has become our home and now he’s not here to defend it anymore.”

“He’s coming back,” Kanan reminded her gently.

“Not the point,” said Sabine, but Kanan could sense she was somehow feeling directly responsible for Lothal until Ezra did come back.

“Lothal has its own governor back,” said Hera. “He can make the decisions about what will happen here.”

“Ryder’s good, but he’s got a bunch of civilians on his hands,” Zeb said.

“Civilians can be trained,” Kanan said.

“Until then we have to consider the needs of the rest of the galaxy,” Hera said. “Which brings me to my ultimate point. We’ve been called back to Yavin to help in the fight.”

“I’ve already left one home,” Sabine said, looking down. “I don’t want to leave another.”

“I would never ask you to,” said Hera gently. “That’s what this meeting is all about. Whether you feel the need to help Mandalore or Lothal or stay with us, that’s always your choice. You know we’ll support you.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to have to choose,” Sabine said, but she was smiling.

“Just like I would rather you didn’t have to either,” said Hera. “I’m already missing Ezra.”

“We all do,” said Kanan.

“Except you,” said Zeb. “You can see the kid whenever you want.”

“The perks of being dead, mate,” Kanan said, laughing.

“I wish you wouldn’t make quite so many dead jokes,” Hera said pointedly.

Kanan wasn’t sure if she was genuinely upset or not. With Hera it was hard to tell sometimes.

“Got it,” he said simply until he could figure it out.

“I have to report to Yavin,” said Hera. “Which means the Ghost, Chopper, and I’m assuming Kanan as well.”

“As if you had to ask,” muttered Zeb.

“Rex already went back,” said Hera. “Kallus told me he would like to stay here to help on Lothal. That just leaves you two.”

Zeb and Sabine looked at each other and it seemed like something unspoken happened between them. Kanan was proud at how well they worked together now. At the beginning they had clashed so much he’d despaired of them ever liking each other. But it was almost like Zeb was looking for assurances from Sabine that she would be okay.

“I’m going to stay here,” said Sabine. “Ezra’s counting on me to protect his people. Until Ahsoka lets us know where to go to find him, I’m going to stay. But if you need anything, let me know.”

“Of course and the same with you,” said Hera.

“I’m coming with ya,” said Zeb. “I’m not much good at waiting around. I’d rather have something to fight.”

“Then I guess we’re saying goodbye again,” said Hera.

“For now,” Kanan said.

“For now,” she echoed.

“Go and win the war for me,” said Sabine.

“Just for you?” said Kanan. “What about all the other people in the galaxy, huh?”

Sabine rolled her eyes and probably would have shoved him if she could have. There were bonuses to being ghost-like most of the time.

***

There were a few days of packing and organizing and scheduling and making sure Sabine and Kallus had everything they needed.

Kanan watched Sabine’s bright head of hair as they took off and flew into the orbit of Lothal, no longer cluttered with a blockade of Destroyers.

It was a fairly short trip to Yavin and when they got there, Rex was waiting to meet them.

“Glad you could make it,” he said. “Senator Organa and the others are in the war room. They’d like a report on Lothal once you’re settled.”

“Of course,” said Hera.

She stood and straightened and Kanan watched her as inconspicuously as possible. She was still very early in her pregnancy but he knew she was feeling the effects of it and he was anxious for her to get checked out. He knew she wouldn’t appreciate too much hovering, but he was determined to do it as much as she would let him.

The debrief went well and everyone agreed to Lothal’s plan to self-manage until the Empire came for them and Kanan kept his mouth shut to avoid making Hera and Zeb look crazy in front of everyone. They weren’t planning on making it widespread that he was still around. It would be too much for most people to handle. They’d privately tell the leadership, but not in the busy war room. Hera would have to report her pregnancy soon anyway.

Rex walked them out.

“Kanan still around?” he asked Hera.

“Yes,” she said wryly. “He’s right here.”

“I’ve been through a lot of weird stuff with Jedi,” said Rex, “but that one’s still hard for me to wrap my head around.”

Kanan grinned. He’d been waiting for this moment ever since he’d returned to his family and found Rex already gone.

“Tell him it’s about to get a lot weirder,” Kanan said. “I think now’s a good time to tell him about Ahsoka.”

Hera smiled.

“Well, I’ve got something else for you to believe,” she said. “I’ve got some news about Ahsoka.”

Kanan followed them down the hallway, smirking and interjecting comments.