Merlin Fic: And the World You Promised: Chapter Ten: Have You Forgotten What You Have and What is Y

[jesterladyfic]

Chapter Ten: Have You Forgotten What You Have and What is Yours

Gwen stretched onto her side, relishing the slight soreness in her muscles. A secret smile played around her mouth as she thought about what she had been doing the night before. She glanced behind her, but Arthur was still sleeping soundly, arm splayed around her middle, mouth open, his legendary snoring much quieter than normal. She spared a quick, ridiculous thought that perhaps Merlin had or could cure Arthur's snoring for good.

She always thought Arthur looked much more peaceful when asleep. The burden he carried was so heavy and it showed in his face, but when he was sleeping he didn’t look so careworn and she loved to watch him sleep. He’d caught her at it before and liked to tease her about it, but she was unrepentant. She wasn’t in the right position to be able to gaze at him at the moment and was loathe to move for fear she’d wake him. He was a light sleeper on principle and she could only imagine how little sleep he’d gotten the last few days.

Their lives had gotten more complicated, not only with the battle and Merlin’s revelation, but Morgana’s attack had squelched the idea of a Camelot at peace. That could only be once Morgana was dead. It was a terrible thought considering their history. Gwen mourned the loss of their friendship every day and she’d never found its like since. None of the ladies at the court had any love for their common born Queen and none of the girls Gwen had used to spend time with felt comfortable doing so now that she was Queen. Once Gwen had entertained far off dreams of being with Arthur one day and being able to spend time with Morgana as an equal. Those dreams had died years ago.

However, Gwen’s compassion had suffered a serious blow with the horrendous crime Morgana had propagated against Gwen by stealing her will. Not only was it a heinous abuse of power and exactly the kind of thing Morgana had always railed against, but Gwen was the one who had to live with the consequences. She had to walk by the stables and see the absence of someone she’d murdered in cold blood. She had to look at Arthur and Merlin every day and know she’d tried to kill them. It was unbearable at times and often she found herself shaking with the effort to control her rage at what had been done to her, her fear that it could happen again, and her guilt about what she’d done.

So, it was with sadness, but mostly calm, that she thought about Morgana’s impending death. For that was how it had to be, either Morgana or Arthur would perish, and the real Gwen could never want Arthur dead. No, her worry was for Arthur, for Merlin, for the tatters of their friendship, and for how she would deal with them being gone. She found herself wishing that the scouts would never come back and she and Arthur could just stay in this bed forever.

It was a haven for her, a place where all the worries fell from them, all of her normal reserve and his normal arrogance was washed away. The two of them didn’t have to be people separated by their backgrounds and experiences or the King and Queen of a great kingdom. They were Arthur and Guinevere, man and wife. And that was all she’d ever wanted.

Last night had been an incredible experience, an oasis of tranquility, far away from their usual cares. Arthur had been so close to her, she almost could have sworn they were reading each other’s minds. Perhaps it was his absence and return from danger, but their lovemaking had been extra special for her, tinged with an urgency far beyond their usual needs, yet still tender and full of love.

She’d been torn at his lack of confidence in himself after learning Merlin’s secret and she’d striven to speak words that would build him up. She’d spoken nothing but the truth, nothing but what she’d always felt and believed, but somehow it had broken through to him. She’d felt powerful and awed at the thought that the greatest man in the land would listen to her, but that was often the case with her and Arthur. She could never understand what he saw in her and why he didn’t see in himself what she saw. And he always said the same, only opposite. The two fulfilled each other and Gwen was honored to be part of such a union.

The light of day had not yet dulled the glow of their night together and Gwen was content to lay there, feeling his warmth against her back, knowing he was alive and there, his heart beating reassuringly. All too soon there was a knock on the door and Merlin’s tentative voice sounded through their chambers.

Arthur woke up suddenly, smacking his head against the headboard, and cursing loudly.

“It’s just Merlin,” she said reassuringly, calling for Merlin to come in, and she laughed and concentrated on making sure she was completely covered.

Arthur wrapped a sheet around him, scrambling out of the bed as Merlin entered. She ignored their little spat, encouraging it almost as a return to normalcy.

Merlin looked positively relieved to be going and doing something as mundane as getting the King’s breakfast and Gwen pulled herself out of the bed, keeping a sheet around her too in case he came blundering back in as had happened before.

She stepped behind the screen and pulled a clean undergarment from the cupboard and slipped it on, calling out to Arthur.

“Can you summon Sarah for me please, Arthur?”

Arthur bellowed out into the hall while Gwen shook her head and picked up most of their mess from the night before, placing everything in one pile for Sarah or Merlin to gather for the laundry. She plucked up some clean breeches and a shirt for Arthur, bringing them out to him where he was going through some delivered reports, absently holding the sheet slung around his hips.

“Ah, thank you, Guinevere,” he said when he noticed her standing there.

She sighed and tutted.

“Honestly, where would you be without me?”

“The deepest, darkest well of sorrow,” he said dramatically, catching her around the waist and bringing her up against him.

“Arthur, Sarah will be here any minute,” she said, enjoying his kisses nonetheless.

“This is nothing she hasn’t seen us doing before,” he murmured against her lips, but released her.

“I’d rather I was the only one to see under that sheet,” she told him, whisking it away from him and leaving him to put his clothes on himself.

His rejoinder was interrupted by a knock at the door and Sarah entered and began to get Gwen ready for the day. Merlin came back not long after that and Gwen enjoyed listening to the muffled sounds of his and Arthur’s voices in the other room until Arthur called out that they were going to the Round Table and to have her join them later.

For some reason it seemed to take longer than normal to get dressed. Gwen supposed it was because she was anxious to join them and hear more of Merlin’s history and to keep them from misunderstanding each other as they were so wont to do. But Gwen’s hair had become rather tangled from her late night activities and it took forever to get it into its proper shape again. Sometimes she missed her simpler hairstyle of former years, but she knew how much Arthur loved her hair and she liked the way it looked herself whenever Sarah got done braiding it.

Gwen forced herself to sit and eat some breakfast, enjoying some light conversation with Sarah as she cleaned the room before Gwen made her way to the Round Table.

She was instantly concerned as she entered and felt the tension in the air, and saw the signs of tears on Merlin’s face and Arthur’s bloody knuckles.

“Arthur! Your hand.” She rushed to look at it and them more closely. “Is everything all right?”

“It will be. One day,” Arthur said, clapping Merlin on the shoulder.

She looked deeper. There were new lines of pain on Arthur’s face, new painful knowledge in his eyes. Merlin looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, but there was also a new sense of responsibility about him, as if he’d also shouldered more of a burden somehow.

“I missed a rather important conversation, didn’t I?” she asked.

Merlin shrugged and smiled at her, still teary-eyed.

“Merlin has led a full and much more interesting life than he’d led me to believe,” Arthur said. “And we shall tell you all in time, but I do need to check in with Leon about the scouts.”

He kissed Gwen on the cheek and left without even another glance at Merlin.

“Are you all right?” she asked when he’d gone.

Merlin blew out a breath of air and seemed to think for a minute.

“Well, he didn’t kill me right off, so that’s good. Also, he talked about good things that I’d done. I’d say that was Arthur’s version of being kind and compassionate.”

“Can you give me the short version of the conversation?” she asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. “I don’t want to pry if there were things just between the two of you and if it’s too much to do it again right away.”

“No,” Merlin said, his frame limp, “no, I’d just as soon do it all at once.”

With a shuddering voice he told her. Told her he’d poisoned Morgana, that he’d freed the dragon that had killed one of Gwen’s closest childhood friends, that he’d killed Agravaine, that he’d known Mordred was destined to kill Arthur.

Horror ran over Gwen the whole time he spoke and she kept stepping back from him, even though she wasn’t trying to. Merlin obviously noticed because he flinched every time she did it.

When he finished, dead air lay between them and Gwen had no words to say anything. She could not forgive him in that moment because it seemed that so much of what had gone wrong in her life might actually be laid at Merlin’s door.

She could understand the reasoning behind what he’d done, could understand the pressure he must have been under. Intellectually her mind knew all this, but she couldn’t reconcile it with the feelings of betrayal her heart was suffering. Perhaps this was the crushing weight Arthur had felt when he first heard. Perhaps there was a reason to keep secrets when the truth was so horrible.

She didn’t bother trying to hide her sadness when she looked at him.

“Did I gain Arthur back only to lose you?” Merlin finally asked, his voice dry with use.

She took a moment to think about it truly, to look at the man standing in front of her. A man with so much power he could destroy them all simply by thinking, but who chose to protect them instead, who had offered his life for both her and Arthur. He’d done terrible things, truly awful. Did the good outweigh the bad? Probably, yet that was not the point. Her heart was pounding at the thought of no more Merlin in her life and she searched his face, longing to see signs of the man she thought she knew.

And there it was, the slight twitching at the corners of his mouth, the bowed shoulders, the silly neckerchief, the way his hands moved as if to comfort her and then were forced back by the reason of his mind. There was her Merlin. But was that enough?

“I don’t know what to think,” she said finally. “If Arthur can find it in his heart to forgive you, surely I can do no less, but, Merlin, what you’ve told me is not right. It is not easy. I-I wish you had confided in me.”

He turned away, a self-deprecating smile on his face.

“Sometimes I wish I had.” He spoke on in a forced sounding jovial tone. “Well, it looks like secrecy has a price to pay. I guess I’ll always have Gaius.”

“Merlin,” she said and then stopped. “You are not alone. I can’t forgive you right now, but I will. I will not rest until I do. I have no desire to lose you.”

“I’ll take what I can get,” he said and then bowed deeply. “I’m so sorry, my lady.”

She nodded and then left, going to find Arthur.

He was back in their room, bolting down the remains of their breakfast.

“The scouts should be back by this evening,” he said, when he saw her. “We can start making pl- What’s wrong?”

“Merlin told me.”

He gathered her in his arms immediately, shushing her protests.

“I’m sorry, Guinevere.”

“It is not me he’s hurt,” Gwen said half-heartedly.

“He has hurt everyone who put their trust in him,” Arthur said firmly. He pulled back to look in her face. “I can understand your feelings. Of course I can. Who else better? But…I can’t live like that. You taught me that just last night. I have to make decisions based on what I feel is right and I know Merlin means well.”

“As do I,” Gwen said, “but that does not wipe out the past.”

“Why do we keep switching positions like this?” he asked. “I find it absolutely intolerable that I’m forced to be the one defending Merlin, just so you know.”

She smiled against his chest and felt better. As she’d said, if Arthur could forgive Merlin, she could too.

“I am as surprised as you,” she said. “I guess it just took longer to catch up to me.”

“And it will pass, I think,” Arthur said. “But I can easily reassign him if he will make you feel uncomfortable.”

Gwen sighed, thinking how very silly all of this was. It was Merlin, for goodness sake. Merlin was the safest thing in her life. But things had changed whether any of them wanted them to or not. It didn’t seem right anymore for Merlin to be stumbling around, cleaning up after them.

“I think Merlin would actually fit in better elsewhere,” she said. “Hasn’t he proved he is more than your servant? That the job was only a convenience to keep him close to you?”

“You may have a point,” he said. “But until then, I need him to help me take down Morgana. Will you be all right?”

“Will you?”

He smiled down at her.

“With you by my side, I can do anything. I haven’t forgiven him yet either, you know, I am still processing through his secrets. But I made the choice to trust him anyway. It will happen for you when you need it to.”

“The King is so wise,” Gwen said, dropping a slight curtsey.

“None of that,” he said, grabbing for her, but she ducked away.

“Yes, Sire,” she said, grinning, and he lunged at her, laughing.

“Your hand,” she said, grabbing it. “You’re going to get blood everywhere. Sit down and let me mend it for you. Or go to Gaius.”

“It’s nothing,” Arthur said. “I’ve had worse.”

“What did you do?” she asked quietly, winding a bandage around his hand.

They always had spare bandages for mishaps in their chambers, so much seemed to happen there.

“I punched the table when he told me about Morgana,” he said tightly.

“D-do you think that’s why she turned?” Gwen asked hesitantly.

“I’m sure that was a big part of why she decided she could no longer trust those she had called her friends. But I do believe Merlin when he says she had made her choice before that. And that…my father was the one who drove her away, without even realizing it.”

“Poor Morgana,” Gwen said, more for the woman she had known than for the woman who currently walked the earth.

“She has no more of my pity after what she did to you,” Arthur said, flexing his hand.

“That is not true and you know it,” Gwen said, wrapping her arms around him.

“I guess not,” Arthur said wearily, but that did not change anything and both of them knew it.

Neither of them would ever be able to forget the old Morgana. But neither could they forget the new one.

***

The next few days went by in a blur for Gwen. Morgana’s likely location had been decided upon and confirmed, though thankfully no more villages had been burned. The confirmation was secured by Merlin and Arthur riding out to see for themselves and a sickening dread lay in her stomach the entire time they were gone. They were not gone for long, but she almost felt like she'd lived for years in that time, she'd been so worried. Arthur wouldn't say much about the confrontation, but she knew they'd met Morgana in the forest.

After that there were many meetings with scouts and arguments between Merlin and Arthur about how to fight Morgana. There were discussions with the knights about battle strategy and Merlin’s new role amongst them. There were debates with the council about letting Gwen rule over them and the cold fear of somehow failing Camelot began to settle in her bones again.

She worried about Arthur, perhaps more than ever before, simply because she knew how close he had come to dying last time. For saving him she could forgive Merlin anything, but she still didn’t speak very much with him, not wanting to distract him or her with long drawn out discussions about the past.

The people grumbled as the outlying villagers started trickling into Camelot, taxing its food stores, despite what they’d brought with them. Camelot’s denizens were used to sieges and attacks, but there seemed to be a level of extra fear with this upcoming battle, as if everyone could sense that it would decide all. Gwen spent a lot of time utilizing her connections with the people and discovered they were both confident in their King and proud of her, but that confidence did not spread to the nobility, to those who were one step away from controlling Camelot if Arthur should fall.

She started to worry again, but she did not bother Arthur. She refused to and he was too busy to sense it as he normally would have. She could tell Merlin knew there was something dreadfully wrong with her, but he seemed to think it was because of him and did not approach her. She knew she was being stupid, but a doom began to press down on her no matter what reason or logic she used to drive it away. Her worries over her barrenness started to creep in until she started hatching wild ideas of adopting random children she saw on the streets or convincing Merlin to magic her a child. She wondered if this was what going crazy was like.

Then the day came where Arthur and Merlin rode out of Camelot surrounded by only his most trusted knights, leaving most of Camelot guarded. Their reasoning was that this would most likely be a magical battle and their greatest weapon and strategy was Merlin himself. The knights were a contingency and Arthur the bait, as Merlin had put it during one of the more escalated fights while planning.

Gwen stood at Arthur’s side before he mounted his horse.

“I haven’t forgotten my promise,” he whispered to her. “I will come back. Be here for me?”

“Always,” she said, smiling, knowing that if this was to be the last time they’d ever see each other, she wanted him to remember her happy. “Be careful.”

“You are the rightful Queen, Guinevere,” he said, hugging her tightly. “Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Promise me you’ll remember that.”

“I will try,” she said, honestly hoping she could. “Promise me you realize that you yourself are important to this kingdom. You need to come back to rule it.”

“I need to come back to you,” he insisted.

“I would like that,” she said simply, grasping his head as he bent to kiss her.

He mounted his horse and trotted to the head of the column. Merlin urged his horse to follow and Gwen couldn’t stand it anymore. Unforgiven or not, he was her friend and he was the best chance she had of keeping Arthur safe.

“Protect him, please,” she burst out. “Please, Merlin.”

Merlin nodded gravely at her.

“With my life,” he said, his voice earnest with intensity.

“Thank you,” she said, trying to convey in tone what she still could not say in words. “And, Merlin,” she said as he turned away, “come back yourself.”

He smiled at her, a true Merlin smile, nothing hidden, everything bright.

“I always do.”

Gwen felt better for awhile, reassuring herself with Merlin’s promise. But the creeping feeling of inadequacy kept growing the more she dealt with the council and tried not to worry about Arthur and what was happening. They were in session and the lords were driving her insane with their mongering.

"The people are thronging at our gates, my lady," said Lord Theron. "We don't have the resources."

"We've checked the stores and the harvest this year was bountiful enough," Gwen reminded him. "I admit there might be a little shortage for those used to opulence, but such a sacrifice is necessary for the good of Camelot."

"Perhaps the Queen's tender years do not allow for the practical necessi-" began Lord Gwyron.

"The Queen is sitting right beside you," Gwen interrupted. "I would like to be addressed as if I were actually a part of this council."

"My apologies, my lady," he said, though he did not look sorry in the slightest. "My point stands, however. I can appreciate your generous heart and certainly your background would lead you to be concerned for the people, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made."

"When the sacrifices are to line the bellies of those who have plenty already, I do not see the point," Gwen said. She put her palms on the table and leaned forward. "My lords, I understand what these people are going through and why they are here. We are their protectors and it is our duty to ensure their survival. Without them Camelot is nothing and you have no furs to grace your ladies and no feasts to slake your hunger. This land is built upon these people and the one thing they ask of us is that we take care of them when there is danger." She slowly rose, keeping her palms on the table. "Danger is at the door and it is something none of you are prepared to face. My husband, the King, is risking his life to save those people. All he has asked of us who remain in the safety of the castle is that we give up a little of our comfort and help his people. Arthur is a strong leader, a compassionate man, and wise beyond the traditions and the prejudices of his time. So do not fall behind. These people are here to stay until Morgana's attack is at an end. I suggest you get used to it."

“Your Highness, I must insist you look at the facts,” said Lord Gwyron. “There has been too much unrest among the people. You don’t have the wherewithal-"

“I beg your pardon, my lord,” Gwen said, interrupting again, “but as someone who was brought up among the people, I think I have exactly the wherewithal. Now, I’ve made my decision on the matter and I’ll thank you to stop questioning my judgment. I do not wish to be overbearing, but please remember that you are my councilors, not my superiors. Is there anything else before I retire for the night?”

Only dirty glances were returned to her and she felt exhausted, like she’d fought a long battle herself, even if only a metaphorical one. It was hard because they did not do this when Arthur was here. They waited until he was gone, like poisonous snakes, bowing with oily obeisance while in public, and tearing her apart in private. Their wives were no better, perhaps worse.

Still, she'd seen fear in some of their faces while she'd made her speech, even some with understanding. She could only hope that she'd made the smallest difference. That was what she was there to do, but it was hard, especially when dealing with such backwards people.

What Gwen really wanted was the company of people she trusted and most of them had left Camelot that morning. So she headed to visit with Gaius or Gwaine, who was still grumbling over not being allowed to go with the rest of the knights because of his injuries.

It had taken Arthur pointedly telling him that it was Gwaine’s own foolishness that had brought it on him to shut him up. He had been left in charge of Camelot’s security while Leon was gone and he’d been preening over it ever since, as if to let them all know he was okay.

Gwaine was with Gaius getting a final check-up when Gwen knocked on the door.

“Enter,” Gaius called out. “My lady,” he said, bowing.

“None of that,” she said, sitting down. “I could do with being just plain Gwen for awhile.”

“Those nobles thinking they can wear you down again?” Gwaine asked, putting his shirt back on.

“I believe they think I’m easy prey with Arthur gone,” Gwen said, rubbing her temples.

“Do you have a headache, my lady?” Gaius asked.

“A very large one,” she admitted.

“I will get you something for that,” Gaius said, starting to bustle around.

“You’re worth the whole lot of them put together,” Gwaine said, sitting down next to her.

“I appreciate your confidence,” she said, then looked at him thoughtfully. “Gwaine, you knew about Merlin before.”

“I did.”

“And you never said a word, never doubted him for a moment?”

“Never.”

“How could you be so sure?”

“How could I not? I mean, it’s Merlin. He’s just trustworthy, good.”

“But he’s done…well, I do not wish to betray any confidences.”

Gwaine looked at her and leaned back for a minute or two.

“None of us is perfect, princess,” he said, using his old name for her, perhaps to remind her that they were just Gwaine and Gwen at the moment. “I’ve done things in cold blood that I regret. Some very recently.”

“I guess that’s true,” she said. “I know it is, and that’s what I told Merlin myself. I cannot bear to think of my past sometimes, but…he was so secretive.”

“It all comes down to whether or not you believe his reasons were good. Do you know Merlin, who he is, deep inside, secrets or not?”

“I think so,” she said. “I think he always strove to show that to me.”

“Then there’s your answer,” Gwaine said. “No more weeping, Gwen. If I’m not allowed, neither are you. We’ve all spent too much time feeling sorry for ourselves and acting like our lives are still lived under the thumb of a tyrant. Arthur may be a prat sometimes, but he is a far far better man than his father. The good days are about to come as soon as the witch is dead.”

“And do you think Merlin can kill her?”

“If anyone can save us,” Gwaine said, leaning forward, “it’s Merlin.”

Gaius came down from his ladder and handed Gwen a bottle.

“There you are, Gwen, see if that helps.”

“Thank you,” she said, downing the whole bottle.

It tasted terrible, but that was to be expected.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a castle to run,” Gwaine said, getting lightly to his feet, no longer looking at all injured.

“I do believe that’s my job,” Gwen called after him and he winked before closing the door.

“I couldn’t help overhearing,” Gaius said slowly. “Now, I know it’s none of my business, but I do have the advantage of knowing Merlin’s state of mind when he made some of those decisions.”

“I cannot think about Merlin anymore,” Gwen said, putting her hand over his. “But I appreciate the offer. If I continue to doubt him and pick apart his every motive and reason, I shall lose sense of the entirety of his person. And I do not wish to do that. We shall be fine in time. I just need Arthur back in one piece.”

“I long for that with all my heart, Gwen,” Gaius said, sitting down next to her, “but if neither of them came back, we would still be able to live our lives.”

“Could we?” she asked. “Do you think I could keep doing this with the council? Do you think my having the seal and being Queen would keep them from plotting against me?”

“You would rise to the occasion,” he said firmly.

“Perhaps,” Gwen said, knowing she’d do everything in her power to do so, to protect what Arthur had entrusted to her. “But what about after I am gone? I have no children, Gaius, nothing to continue Arthur’s legacy.”

“Ah, that’s what’s troubling you.”

“Do you think- is there something wrong with me?”

“It takes two to procreate, Gwen,” Gaius said, a slight twinkle in his eye.

“I understand that,” she said, blushing. “But could there be something that’s keeping me from having children?”

“I would be happy to examine you and give you my medical opinion, but remember that even if there is something wrong, it might be Arthur as well.”

“You’re right,” she said. “But suppose there is something wrong? What can be done about it? I was wondering…if Merlin…do you think magic-"

“No!” Gaius said loudly and firmly, startling her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, staring at him. “Gaius, what did I say?”

Gaius calmed down and smiled.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. Just…do not suppose magic can solve all your problems. It is a mindset that leads to black magic. Those who practiced the Old Religion knew better. Knew that magic has consequences. A life for a life.”

“What does that mean?”

Gaius leaned back and seemed to consider something before speaking again.

“Do you know how Arthur was born?”

She shook her head, confused.

“I know Ygraine had difficulty conceiving and there was some nonsense about Morgause years ago saying it was Uther’s fault, but I don’t know the details.”

Gaius sighed and looked at her carefully.

“I made a promise never to speak of this, but Uther is gone now and my words cannot harm him anymore than he harmed himself by his actions. There was a time when magic was free in Camelot. Uther courted sorcerers like everyone else. Nimueh was in Camelot at the time and Uther and Ygraine begged her to help them to have a child. Nimueh warned them that a life would be taken in exchange for the birth of one. The balance had to be restored, you see. That is how it works. Uther agreed, not caring, wanting the child more than anything. But the life that the magic claimed was one he did not expect.”

“Ygraine,” Gwen breathed. “That’s how she died.”

“Yes, and Uther blamed Nimueh, blamed magic, not even looking to himself for guilt. He tried to kill her, but she vanished, and that began the Great Purge. I really do not know how I survived it, but Uther swore me to secrecy and made me promise to stop practicing sorcery. I have carried that burden all these years. Magic has its price.”

“Does Arthur know this?”

“He knows what Morgause told him, but I still do not know if he knows it was true. Merlin stopped him from killing Uther by convincing Arthur Morgause was lying.”

“Merlin again,” Gwen said. “Always entrapped deep within the lies.”

“Merlin found out himself the hard way about magic’s price,” Gaius cautioned. “Do you remember when Arthur was dying by the Questing Beast? Merlin journeyed to the Isle of the Blessed to save him. But when he met Nimueh there, she told him about the price. He agreed thinking he would pay it himself. His mother came to Camelot, dying, right after that.”

“I remember,” Gwen said, her hand to her face. “Oh, I remember.”

“That was when Merlin realized the truth. He was going to go back to the Isle to force Nimueh to take him instead. I, I decided to go for him since he was needed more than I.”

“Oh, Gaius,” she said, but he shook his head.

“I did my best, but Merlin will never let anyone be as self-sacrificing as him. He followed me, but when he found me gone, he fought with Nimueh and destroyed her, making her life the one needed to restore the balance for Arthur’s.”

“I see,” she said, thinking hard.

“That is why we should not attempt the same for you and Arthur,” Gaius said. “History must not repeat itself if things are to change. We must trust in science in this instance, or perhaps in the destiny the three of you seem to share.”

“Not you too,” Gwen said, laughing slightly, feeling overwhelmed with all this new information.

“I cannot doubt the proof of my own eyes,” Gaius said. “I’ve watched Merlin these last ten years, seen him grow into a young man I’m proud to know. He has come so far, Gwen, surely even you can see that. He has saved this kingdom more times than I can count, and he has done all of that without falling into darkness or despair, without letting himself become like Morgana. His strength is unparalleled, his wisdom beyond that of his nature. And the same goes for you and Arthur, overcoming every obstacle set before you. You both have grown so much; becoming something that makes this old man happy to see.”

She blushed, not knowing what to say to that, but grasping onto his words about Merlin, wanting to remember every word for if she ever doubted again.

“You give me hope, Gaius,” she said. “Thank you for telling me. But I still…I need to know why I haven’t ever been with child.”

“Certainly,” Gaius said. “I should be happy to help all I can. And just because we don’t want to create a child through magic as Arthur was, does not mean that we can’t use magic to help us find out what is happening.”

“Do you think?” Gwen asked, happier now.

“I do. I know the perils of magic, Gwen, but equally do I know the benefits. Magic simply is. The good or evil of it is in the wielder.”

“There is no evil in sorcery, only in the hearts of men,” she whispered, mind going back to just moments after her restoration from Morgana’s hold, words heard through the hazy mist of a newly freed mind.

“What is that?”

“Something I heard the Dolma say,” she said, still thinking about it. She was surprised when Gaius started laughing heartily. “What is it?”

“Oh, I do wish I could have been there to see that,” Gaius said. “Poor Merlin. The things he had to do.”

And Gaius laughed some more.

Gwen was confused until she realized what he’d said.

“No!” she said in astonishment. “No, really?”

Gaius nodded, still laughing.

“I’m afraid so. His other cover had been discovered, you see.”

Now that she thought about it…oh, yes, yes, there all the pieces were. Another bit of her history falling into place. How much she really did owe to Merlin. Her love for him suddenly came swimming back into her heart, overpowering her doubts.

“I cannot believe it,” she said, her lips beginning to twitch. “Oh, Gaius, you should have seen him. I don’t remember much of it, but there at the end…it was just the two of them going at it as usual. Oh, why didn’t I see it before!”

The two of them laughed long and Gwen felt better than she had in days. Her faith in Merlin was restored enough that she knew Arthur would be safe. She hoped and prayed he would be. She needed him to keep his promise, just as she would keep hers to have Camelot and herself ready when he got back.

All was not well, but she was determined to be herself, for the future, for the kingdom, for her husband. Gaius had relieved many of her fears by his assurances that there could be an answer to her barrenness. Also, it helped, it vastly helped, to hear the man’s perspective on Merlin, on magic, on the years they’d known each other. Gaius knew Merlin better than anyone and if he could be so all right with all Merlin had done, well, Gwen didn’t think there was a higher voucher. She could not focus on the Merlin who had protected them all despite the cost without thinking of the broken man she’d held in her arms only a few days past, exhausted with secrets and responsibility, bereft of those he loved because of a path he had never chosen for himself.

Besides, Gwen couldn’t keep her head in the past and on past misdeeds, or she’d fall into the same trap Uther did. Sometimes she shuddered to think of the man and the things he’d done. She tried not to think harshly of him for Arthur’s sake, but sometimes all she could see was the man who’d killed her father. Somehow, knowing all Uther had done had brought her Arthur, did not make it right, but released an old anger inside her. And she was determined to be the best Queen she could be, to rule, even if Arthur never came back, the way she had wanted to be ruled and never had been.

It was a weight of acceptance and she held it freely.