(no subject)
I can't begin to tell you my thoughts on this day of memorium. I can only tell you the affects it has on me. I'm a very calloused person, not in the regular conotation of the word, but rather that not much gets through to my core from the environment to affect me in a way that manifests itself in an emotional episode. Plainly it takes a lot and not very often does an event, person, dumb tv drama or much else strike me in a way that I breakdown, if that's even possible now. I feel though. I feel it deep in my core. I keep it to myself and deal with it by my own machinery, interanally and deeply dependant on a glass of wine or a joint. A lot has changed me since I first posted here in LJ. Occasionally an outburst (like the one about my bud Mike a few weeks ago). But all in all, i'm a grown man who keeps his issues on the inside.
And then I see the smoke swirling high into the bluish-grey sky, and tiny black dots slowly falling at 9.8 metres per second to the ground (I thought god may be the other way). And the words of Officer Smith who lost his wife Moira (sp?) as she attempted to save people trapped in rubble, smoke, and death....at the memorial marking the 5th anniversary. All the stimulae that remind me of that day break me down - so quickly. I am a scared child when reminded of that day. I found myself pulling over to the side of the road to clear my eyes so I may get to work safely. I think about some imaginary custodian at work in the pentagon, cleaning the waste removal buckets or the bravest people I could ever imagine on the United Flight, who in sacrificing their lives, possibly one by one, they averted further civilian deaths that day. And it all breaks me down to a point of vulnerability that I've never experienced before.
And as all people do I start to think about myself. Could I have been that brave that day? To confront the high-jackers or run into the towers to attempt to save anyone I could find? Could I deal as courageously with the loss of a fried or loved one as the three widows in the Kingsway area are? I find the answer is that I don't know. And I'm not sure. And in pittying my lack of knowing who I would be like in this crisis, I'm thanking that I'm just me. That my family is safe and my home is in tact. I have a life that anyone should be lucky to have and I am greatful and thankful that there are braver souls than me who are fighting to keep it that way.
To those people then and now....... Thank you :)
And then I see the smoke swirling high into the bluish-grey sky, and tiny black dots slowly falling at 9.8 metres per second to the ground (I thought god may be the other way). And the words of Officer Smith who lost his wife Moira (sp?) as she attempted to save people trapped in rubble, smoke, and death....at the memorial marking the 5th anniversary. All the stimulae that remind me of that day break me down - so quickly. I am a scared child when reminded of that day. I found myself pulling over to the side of the road to clear my eyes so I may get to work safely. I think about some imaginary custodian at work in the pentagon, cleaning the waste removal buckets or the bravest people I could ever imagine on the United Flight, who in sacrificing their lives, possibly one by one, they averted further civilian deaths that day. And it all breaks me down to a point of vulnerability that I've never experienced before.
And as all people do I start to think about myself. Could I have been that brave that day? To confront the high-jackers or run into the towers to attempt to save anyone I could find? Could I deal as courageously with the loss of a fried or loved one as the three widows in the Kingsway area are? I find the answer is that I don't know. And I'm not sure. And in pittying my lack of knowing who I would be like in this crisis, I'm thanking that I'm just me. That my family is safe and my home is in tact. I have a life that anyone should be lucky to have and I am greatful and thankful that there are braver souls than me who are fighting to keep it that way.
To those people then and now....... Thank you :)