Being an Introvert
I've struggled with this ever since I can remember. I like to think that genes and preschool together ruined me as an individual. Gene-wise: my maternal uncle committed suicide because of a combination of depression and schizophrenia (probably). My dad has suffered with depression for many years. He is also an introvert, very much like me.
In preschool, I think I cried everyday. I hated the chaos during recess when kids would run lose in the gymnasium. I remember sitting at a table just watching everyone. I wanted my friend to play with me but she ignored me. I know how little and insignificant that may seem, but it shaped me in the most permanent way imaginable. Rejection scares me to death. Maybe because I'm quiet I constantly get rejected, or is it because when I do talk I'm so off-center that people think I'm stupid/crazy? My own family puts me down on a regular basis. My sister hates when I try to talk to her. David rolls his eyes at me when I rant or voice my opinions about anything.
Social situations are nearly impossible because 1) I hate being around more than 3 people at a time and 2) Most people are so loud and obnoxious that I get annoyed. And I always get this negative vibe from people, wondering why I'm so quiet or why I'm not like everyone else. I'd rather listen to the conversation and talk when I have something good to say. I don't want to shout over people just so they can hear me. I can never get a word in anyway.
Ugh, I just wish that as a kid I wasn't made to feel that being reserved was a bad thing. Maybe if I had self-confidence about this "problem" I wouldn't be so screwed up.
In preschool, I think I cried everyday. I hated the chaos during recess when kids would run lose in the gymnasium. I remember sitting at a table just watching everyone. I wanted my friend to play with me but she ignored me. I know how little and insignificant that may seem, but it shaped me in the most permanent way imaginable. Rejection scares me to death. Maybe because I'm quiet I constantly get rejected, or is it because when I do talk I'm so off-center that people think I'm stupid/crazy? My own family puts me down on a regular basis. My sister hates when I try to talk to her. David rolls his eyes at me when I rant or voice my opinions about anything.
Social situations are nearly impossible because 1) I hate being around more than 3 people at a time and 2) Most people are so loud and obnoxious that I get annoyed. And I always get this negative vibe from people, wondering why I'm so quiet or why I'm not like everyone else. I'd rather listen to the conversation and talk when I have something good to say. I don't want to shout over people just so they can hear me. I can never get a word in anyway.
Ugh, I just wish that as a kid I wasn't made to feel that being reserved was a bad thing. Maybe if I had self-confidence about this "problem" I wouldn't be so screwed up.