change? ..what change?
(written february 14, 2004)
there are times when you may see an old friend again, & you wonder what's gotten into them. why do they seem so drastically different? what is their freaking deal? they used to be so _________ (insert positive adjective here). what happened?
a childhood friend of mine commented on this recently. she said i used to seem so happy & i used to care about everyone's feelings & about what they thought & stuff. i don't take offense at what she said, i mean i still think she's one of the sweetest girls ever, but i think she's misunderstood me. i'm still the same girl. if it doesn't seem like it, it might be because i never really was who you thought i was; environmental changes are factors also. i mean, yeah, the percentage of divorced parents is the majority in the US nowadays; & yeah, everyone has family problems. but hella shit has happened to me in the last few years, & there are also things that have stemmed from childhood, that i have neglected to mention to others. i don't have the typical american family & i sure as hell don't have the typical divorced family. i mean, HELLA SHIT. environment aside, i guess i feel that i am at the "ME"-est point right now. i mean before it was all about fitting in & trying to have as many friends as possible. i was faking it so badly. i wasn't showing who i really was, i wasn't who i wanted to be. i was trying so hard to please everyone all the time. i was also very naive. come on now, we are not in elementary school nor are we in middle school anymore. we sure aren't high school freshmen anymore. people learn & they grow up. it's good that she was able to find herself relatively early because i know that she has, for the most part, remained the same, but it wasn't like that for me. now i feel somewhat better because all the thoughts i've had crammed into the corners of my brain since i was 5 1/2 years old i can now put out in the open. not that i tell everyone my shit, but i don't really like to sugarcoat everything anymore.
everyone is different. they have different ways of handling things, they have different mindsets. it's not like i'm suicidal right now, nor am i "trying to be different," but i just feel happier this way (which is funny because my outlook is somewhat pessimistic--scratch that, REALIST). people need people like her in the world & they need people like me too. you've got your happy go lucky people & you've got your more serious people. neither kind is "bad" in any way. i've always been on the more serious, overanalyzing, brooding side (think of those guys that lean on walls by themselves), but at a lot of periods in my life i've masked this true personality under bubbliness (i hate that word). i've been so tired of it all, so tired of all this fakeness. i mean it's cool that this happiness comes naturally to her & that she's able to see the good in all situations, but that's not me. that's not to say i'm a robot or that i feel like killing myself all the time, but yeah, that whole thing from way back when just wasn't me. i've been having an identity crisis for the longest time; after going through a period where i wasn't around conflicting influences & stuff, i guess i came to quite a few realizations.
i'm not "depressed" depressed, per se. i mean, i am, but not the way it's commonly perceived. does that make sense? i mean tons of people are clinically depressed & are on prozac. i just feel like no one can ever understand me & i accept the fact that most things in life won't make me happy. in this way i guess i was just born a depressed person; so many aspects of my life & of my whole self just don't fit together. i can't please everyone all the time. i'm tired of a lot of different kinds of people. i know she has her bad days too, & that a lot of stuff has happened to her also, but she copes with stuff in her way. i cope with things in my way. i don't even know if everything i just said was comprehended right..or if i even worded my thoughts the right way, but oh well.
i don't think vallejo's a good place to grow up, atmospheric-wise. there's just too much shit everywhere. i don't know, i do miss certain people though.. we should hang out sometime maybe? i still go back there sometimes.. i really am still the same, just less naive or whatever. & don't take me so seriously! i'm not always serious.. so in short, i don't think i've changed, at least not on a base level, at all.
there are times when you may see an old friend again, & you wonder what's gotten into them. why do they seem so drastically different? what is their freaking deal? they used to be so _________ (insert positive adjective here). what happened?
a childhood friend of mine commented on this recently. she said i used to seem so happy & i used to care about everyone's feelings & about what they thought & stuff. i don't take offense at what she said, i mean i still think she's one of the sweetest girls ever, but i think she's misunderstood me. i'm still the same girl. if it doesn't seem like it, it might be because i never really was who you thought i was; environmental changes are factors also. i mean, yeah, the percentage of divorced parents is the majority in the US nowadays; & yeah, everyone has family problems. but hella shit has happened to me in the last few years, & there are also things that have stemmed from childhood, that i have neglected to mention to others. i don't have the typical american family & i sure as hell don't have the typical divorced family. i mean, HELLA SHIT. environment aside, i guess i feel that i am at the "ME"-est point right now. i mean before it was all about fitting in & trying to have as many friends as possible. i was faking it so badly. i wasn't showing who i really was, i wasn't who i wanted to be. i was trying so hard to please everyone all the time. i was also very naive. come on now, we are not in elementary school nor are we in middle school anymore. we sure aren't high school freshmen anymore. people learn & they grow up. it's good that she was able to find herself relatively early because i know that she has, for the most part, remained the same, but it wasn't like that for me. now i feel somewhat better because all the thoughts i've had crammed into the corners of my brain since i was 5 1/2 years old i can now put out in the open. not that i tell everyone my shit, but i don't really like to sugarcoat everything anymore.
everyone is different. they have different ways of handling things, they have different mindsets. it's not like i'm suicidal right now, nor am i "trying to be different," but i just feel happier this way (which is funny because my outlook is somewhat pessimistic--scratch that, REALIST). people need people like her in the world & they need people like me too. you've got your happy go lucky people & you've got your more serious people. neither kind is "bad" in any way. i've always been on the more serious, overanalyzing, brooding side (think of those guys that lean on walls by themselves), but at a lot of periods in my life i've masked this true personality under bubbliness (i hate that word). i've been so tired of it all, so tired of all this fakeness. i mean it's cool that this happiness comes naturally to her & that she's able to see the good in all situations, but that's not me. that's not to say i'm a robot or that i feel like killing myself all the time, but yeah, that whole thing from way back when just wasn't me. i've been having an identity crisis for the longest time; after going through a period where i wasn't around conflicting influences & stuff, i guess i came to quite a few realizations.
i'm not "depressed" depressed, per se. i mean, i am, but not the way it's commonly perceived. does that make sense? i mean tons of people are clinically depressed & are on prozac. i just feel like no one can ever understand me & i accept the fact that most things in life won't make me happy. in this way i guess i was just born a depressed person; so many aspects of my life & of my whole self just don't fit together. i can't please everyone all the time. i'm tired of a lot of different kinds of people. i know she has her bad days too, & that a lot of stuff has happened to her also, but she copes with stuff in her way. i cope with things in my way. i don't even know if everything i just said was comprehended right..or if i even worded my thoughts the right way, but oh well.
i don't think vallejo's a good place to grow up, atmospheric-wise. there's just too much shit everywhere. i don't know, i do miss certain people though.. we should hang out sometime maybe? i still go back there sometimes.. i really am still the same, just less naive or whatever. & don't take me so seriously! i'm not always serious.. so in short, i don't think i've changed, at least not on a base level, at all.