Guerillas in the mist
This weekend I went paintballing. I started off with a hangover so bad I could hardly stand up, let alone engage in desparate suicide missions in the dog-shit strewn woods of Hockley Heath. But then... someone shot me in the ribs and I didn't violently puke down the inside of my mask, and I knew then that I was going to love it.
Which reminds me of the top 5 combat situations I have seen since leaving my platoon in 1982.
5. Me vs Dr. Vix, Harborne
She was drunk. I was drunk. She was outside, keyless, fuming. I was inside, laughing. Should have left her there- regained consciousness under the remains of my own bed, covered in tomato sauce, with the radiator hanging off the wall, the next morning.
4. Geoghan vs Viney, car park of the Bristol Pear
...although as an interchangeable ritual, could have been anywhere really. Someone broke their hand. Culminated in Gan sobbing into Viney's chest "I love you Jo, I'm sorry", while Viney struggled in vain to point out that he was not in fact Gan's large-breasted white girlfriend.
3. Rik vs a stick, Moseley
Oft-chronicled debacle. Grim-faced doctor barely concealing contempt when asking how the bone was broken and being met with the response that he and James were fight. Over a stick.
2. My face vs the pavements of Amsterdam, Amsterdam
In the red corner: hours of cocktails and a fighting spirit. In the blue corner, a six-foot-four dutchman with the reflexes of an eletrocuted suid. A flid squid. There could only be one winner, and it wasn't my compexion.
1.Paintballing
But the list is not conclusive, as my memory ain't what it used to be. Very likely I have seen far more amazing fights and repressed them.
At ease, soldier.
Which reminds me of the top 5 combat situations I have seen since leaving my platoon in 1982.
5. Me vs Dr. Vix, Harborne
She was drunk. I was drunk. She was outside, keyless, fuming. I was inside, laughing. Should have left her there- regained consciousness under the remains of my own bed, covered in tomato sauce, with the radiator hanging off the wall, the next morning.
4. Geoghan vs Viney, car park of the Bristol Pear
...although as an interchangeable ritual, could have been anywhere really. Someone broke their hand. Culminated in Gan sobbing into Viney's chest "I love you Jo, I'm sorry", while Viney struggled in vain to point out that he was not in fact Gan's large-breasted white girlfriend.
3. Rik vs a stick, Moseley
Oft-chronicled debacle. Grim-faced doctor barely concealing contempt when asking how the bone was broken and being met with the response that he and James were fight. Over a stick.
2. My face vs the pavements of Amsterdam, Amsterdam
In the red corner: hours of cocktails and a fighting spirit. In the blue corner, a six-foot-four dutchman with the reflexes of an eletrocuted suid. A flid squid. There could only be one winner, and it wasn't my compexion.
1.Paintballing
But the list is not conclusive, as my memory ain't what it used to be. Very likely I have seen far more amazing fights and repressed them.
At ease, soldier.