updates only too late
1. the problem with not owning a computer, is that by the time i get to one, my little head has been infiltrated by about a thousand and one annoyances... and so... when i start to write i feel the urge to tell my group of friends about say, the homeless kids on the street that i see everyday in passing (& the very smiley cheshire one who always has a kind word cause i gave him a sandwich once). or maybe if i'm especially crabby, i have some story of my hands smelling like stainless steal polish and how lydia is convinced i stole the fucking necklace-angel-thing phoebe gave her, when really she's just worried that i'm addicted to speed or something and i'm going to do something reckless like leave her to her own devices...
these things are irrelevant (no matter how prettily worded with my interpretation). i would rather have those important things be said then left to some sort of online palmistry. so here are my hands... they want to touch and be touched, they probably smell of food, alcohol, or cleaning product respectively. i have hands with long fingers to support long reaches, and if i'm really lucky they smell of god (as ratpackslim puts it).
2. so.
here's the THING that is linked to THAT that comes around in a circle to be related to STUFF.
i've had many partners, men and women that i have loved, in that moment, and very completely. i have not had on-going partners, yet lately i'm intrigued by the idea of continued romance and sex. why? i think it's a want for intimacy. the physical act to represent the spiritual/emotional. i was always a sucker for the alter and the precise movement and placement of the bread & the wine - the body and the blood. i understood the visits to stories told millions of times, to be interpreted in a different way depending on the mood, goal, and speaker.(dancing is very similar as well... the physical interpretation to that interpretation which is given in different forms. but maybe i'm getting too heady?)
the fact of the matter is... why physical intimacy? why not a good cup of coffee and the shared reactions to some sort of social stimulation?
but i do that as well.
3.here's another conclusion... i don't trust the future.
i don't trust that we will find each other in any state more perfect then now. if we have found each other, which is a miracle in and of itself, why not play it out to it's fullest before the fruit goes to rot?
4. this way of thinking is all well and good when the warm thigh and soft lips are at hand. maybe my impulse and passion give an out? so, do i play it like some american bride-to-be and regulate what is touched when? mark and dole out my affections and words, just so that i might have the hope of a regular partner to be intimate with in the future? it sounds SO awfully boring that way. my friends, my closest friends, were never doled out affections and words - we "got" each other. why should my lover be any different? why can't my lovers understand my approach? why do i choose those types that are sincere but wholly distanced from me?
2.b. back to the church/dance metaphor. i want to have a church to go to, i want to have a place full of music to visit... independent of me but always ALWAYS welcoming & ready. and when i come it will be with reverence and understanding and abandon. i will be barefoot at your alter. i will be covered in sweat and wanting to sin. again.
and again.
and again.
----
a. trout fishing in america.
my mother and father gave me Vonnegut and Brautigan respectively (no wonder i was so attracted to sterling with his psuedo 60's style and bearded face). i wonder if she noticed when brautigan stopped calling her "his woman" and started calling her "the woman who travels with me"?
b. see, i've always thought of britnaugh as sylvia, and now she's compared me to sexton... but i don't know if i'm manic enough to be one of the female greats?
c. i've been told that my affection and sex is expectant and sometimes needy. i wonder if they (yes they, not you reader) think i'll fall in love with them and overdose on some sort of drug, or lose myself in some sort of grand and miserable ACT OF JUSTICE to show just how acute my pain is (and possibly take them down with me). i wont. it doesn't work that way. i just erode, rather i've been eroded (don't be getting any ideas now).
for all the flimsy metaphors and silly ideas i've been tossing around...
really, i just want it all and i've never gotten it.
these things are irrelevant (no matter how prettily worded with my interpretation). i would rather have those important things be said then left to some sort of online palmistry. so here are my hands... they want to touch and be touched, they probably smell of food, alcohol, or cleaning product respectively. i have hands with long fingers to support long reaches, and if i'm really lucky they smell of god (as ratpackslim puts it).
2. so.
here's the THING that is linked to THAT that comes around in a circle to be related to STUFF.
i've had many partners, men and women that i have loved, in that moment, and very completely. i have not had on-going partners, yet lately i'm intrigued by the idea of continued romance and sex. why? i think it's a want for intimacy. the physical act to represent the spiritual/emotional. i was always a sucker for the alter and the precise movement and placement of the bread & the wine - the body and the blood. i understood the visits to stories told millions of times, to be interpreted in a different way depending on the mood, goal, and speaker.(dancing is very similar as well... the physical interpretation to that interpretation which is given in different forms. but maybe i'm getting too heady?)
the fact of the matter is... why physical intimacy? why not a good cup of coffee and the shared reactions to some sort of social stimulation?
but i do that as well.
3.here's another conclusion... i don't trust the future.
i don't trust that we will find each other in any state more perfect then now. if we have found each other, which is a miracle in and of itself, why not play it out to it's fullest before the fruit goes to rot?
4. this way of thinking is all well and good when the warm thigh and soft lips are at hand. maybe my impulse and passion give an out? so, do i play it like some american bride-to-be and regulate what is touched when? mark and dole out my affections and words, just so that i might have the hope of a regular partner to be intimate with in the future? it sounds SO awfully boring that way. my friends, my closest friends, were never doled out affections and words - we "got" each other. why should my lover be any different? why can't my lovers understand my approach? why do i choose those types that are sincere but wholly distanced from me?
2.b. back to the church/dance metaphor. i want to have a church to go to, i want to have a place full of music to visit... independent of me but always ALWAYS welcoming & ready. and when i come it will be with reverence and understanding and abandon. i will be barefoot at your alter. i will be covered in sweat and wanting to sin. again.
and again.
and again.
----
a. trout fishing in america.
my mother and father gave me Vonnegut and Brautigan respectively (no wonder i was so attracted to sterling with his psuedo 60's style and bearded face). i wonder if she noticed when brautigan stopped calling her "his woman" and started calling her "the woman who travels with me"?
b. see, i've always thought of britnaugh as sylvia, and now she's compared me to sexton... but i don't know if i'm manic enough to be one of the female greats?
c. i've been told that my affection and sex is expectant and sometimes needy. i wonder if they (yes they, not you reader) think i'll fall in love with them and overdose on some sort of drug, or lose myself in some sort of grand and miserable ACT OF JUSTICE to show just how acute my pain is (and possibly take them down with me). i wont. it doesn't work that way. i just erode, rather i've been eroded (don't be getting any ideas now).
for all the flimsy metaphors and silly ideas i've been tossing around...
really, i just want it all and i've never gotten it.