where should i begin...
i thought about this entry since last night, what i would say and how i would word it, though i woke up late and really i have forgotten what i would put. first i guess i'ma tell you what i expected to put in this entry. i wanted to state that i don't know what my summer plans are anymore, i thought i was going to see the love of my life though now my father is saying that he would like to meet him before i ever went down there. i don't know how i feel about that. maybe i'll talk about it more. after stating that i would have just came out and put down a word or two (aka a piece of my mind) about someone that i had said sorry to and really i keep what i had told him and really i won't change my mind though other people think i should.
Ghailan:
I said sorry to you and really I thought i was being the "bigger man or person" in telling you that and really i have tried to forget the past and actually i have in some ways, i know and you know and everyone knows the past is what makes people who they are and really it should make them a stronger person, i bet it's made you a stronger person in telling me no, especially when i asked if we could start over and be friends. i didn't get what you told me when i came to you, you said i had a bad personality and i was a bad person and that all in all when you would state the name Jessu it would equal bad, but then you said don't take you seriously and so i didn't know what that meant or how i would have to take that. i know it's an online chat but you know as well as i know and everyone else knows, emotions are involved with everything we do and as humans we can't help it so as a human being i am not go to delete them while i am online, because i DO have friends online and so does everyone else and even if they live far away they still play a part in people's lives. but i am not saying don't forget the past and all that just because you're online, because i won't forget mine but i will try to learn from it and i think i am, and that i am trying to, still. i just want you to understand, that it's hard for me to come to people when i have felt they did something really hurtful to me but in your case i did it to myself as well and i shouldn't have said a lot of things but i did and some i won't take back but i want to forget about what happened and i want to move on and sayng sorry to you even if you didn't listen, i am now not feeling so bad for my past, i am trying as i have said to mve on now and at least grow up a little though i will never lose who i was back then or who i am now even if you think it's some snobby, bitch like child. i said my appologies to those that deserved it because i shouldn't have done things to them that i did or felt a certain way about them and told them off for it because it would be like you telling me off because you didn't like mefor a certain way i was. i dont know what you could be mad at me now or how you could hate me now when i have tried to ignore you and i know you've done a great job of ignoring me and when i have not done a single thing to you and if it was to one of your friends i have told them the same thing i tried telling you...that i was sorry. i don't care if yo'll ever read this or if you ever care again, it made me happy just finally getting some things straight within myself and doing good things for myself thatdid goodthings for others and right now i could care less if you told me off again. good-bye.
anyway...as i was stating about the summer, i just don't now my plans any longer. i am pised actually, a bit hurt and a bit guilty because i have let allen down so much already i can't believe i have the honor of still being in his life because i haven't been around like i should be or called enough or at least tried to call. honestly i just feel like crap because of my father's decision but i can't change it and really i don't know what to do now but in a sad, sick way i am still happy because in a way my father wants to meet him, he's met other's but that was irl and having someone online and so far away as my love and him wanting to actually meet him suprises me, because he's never been statisfied with any of the people i have been with online until now. well he's never been statisfied with anyone i have been with because i am his little girl as stupid as that may sound or as lame and so 50's way of looking at it, it's true.
i just don't know what to do. things have puzzled me and things have so excited me and in the past two months i have noticed more change in my life than anyone could ever think possible. :/ i just don't know what to say, or do, or think. at this point, this very moment i am just awed but also just very confused and i know i will have to figure it out for myself.
ciao.
jessica
Ghailan:
I said sorry to you and really I thought i was being the "bigger man or person" in telling you that and really i have tried to forget the past and actually i have in some ways, i know and you know and everyone knows the past is what makes people who they are and really it should make them a stronger person, i bet it's made you a stronger person in telling me no, especially when i asked if we could start over and be friends. i didn't get what you told me when i came to you, you said i had a bad personality and i was a bad person and that all in all when you would state the name Jessu it would equal bad, but then you said don't take you seriously and so i didn't know what that meant or how i would have to take that. i know it's an online chat but you know as well as i know and everyone else knows, emotions are involved with everything we do and as humans we can't help it so as a human being i am not go to delete them while i am online, because i DO have friends online and so does everyone else and even if they live far away they still play a part in people's lives. but i am not saying don't forget the past and all that just because you're online, because i won't forget mine but i will try to learn from it and i think i am, and that i am trying to, still. i just want you to understand, that it's hard for me to come to people when i have felt they did something really hurtful to me but in your case i did it to myself as well and i shouldn't have said a lot of things but i did and some i won't take back but i want to forget about what happened and i want to move on and sayng sorry to you even if you didn't listen, i am now not feeling so bad for my past, i am trying as i have said to mve on now and at least grow up a little though i will never lose who i was back then or who i am now even if you think it's some snobby, bitch like child. i said my appologies to those that deserved it because i shouldn't have done things to them that i did or felt a certain way about them and told them off for it because it would be like you telling me off because you didn't like mefor a certain way i was. i dont know what you could be mad at me now or how you could hate me now when i have tried to ignore you and i know you've done a great job of ignoring me and when i have not done a single thing to you and if it was to one of your friends i have told them the same thing i tried telling you...that i was sorry. i don't care if yo'll ever read this or if you ever care again, it made me happy just finally getting some things straight within myself and doing good things for myself thatdid goodthings for others and right now i could care less if you told me off again. good-bye.
anyway...as i was stating about the summer, i just don't now my plans any longer. i am pised actually, a bit hurt and a bit guilty because i have let allen down so much already i can't believe i have the honor of still being in his life because i haven't been around like i should be or called enough or at least tried to call. honestly i just feel like crap because of my father's decision but i can't change it and really i don't know what to do now but in a sad, sick way i am still happy because in a way my father wants to meet him, he's met other's but that was irl and having someone online and so far away as my love and him wanting to actually meet him suprises me, because he's never been statisfied with any of the people i have been with online until now. well he's never been statisfied with anyone i have been with because i am his little girl as stupid as that may sound or as lame and so 50's way of looking at it, it's true.
i just don't know what to do. things have puzzled me and things have so excited me and in the past two months i have noticed more change in my life than anyone could ever think possible. :/ i just don't know what to say, or do, or think. at this point, this very moment i am just awed but also just very confused and i know i will have to figure it out for myself.
ciao.
jessica