Random 5 AM thoughts...
So tonight my thoughts are centered on being trans... well, not be trans perse, but what its effect has had on me in a world that hates people like me...
I have this sort of hole in my soul or whatever that needs to be filled and there's this sorta battery that's in that hole. I can fill it with things like cuddling, kissing, and the like with a romantic intrest... So when I don't have a girlfriend for a long time it slowly drains until I simply can't function right anymore. There's stuff that can give it emergency boosts- like say, a quick friendly hug from my roomate or grandma. A random stranger suddenly flirts with me. I nice person compliments my good taste or "superior" inteligence. Yeah, I get the obvious, my "hole" is self worth.
Sometimes when I get really desperate and there is no girlfriend forthcoming I end up going out for a one night stand. I know better. I'm not one of THOSE girls! Oh wait, that's right, I am one of those girls... *sigh* And I know it'll make me feel even more lonely the next day and cheap besides but still I do it because I need to feel desireable... And I swear I'll be really fucking pissed if any of my friends write or post a message to the effect of needing to have self esteem. It comes from within. You have to love yourself before... blah blah fucking blah. You think I don't know that geniuses! I'm an extremely logical person... I'm so bloody logical I can pick apart and analyze my own short comings endlessly. I even know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to make myself better... but I can't. I'm also an emotional mess you see. and so we return to the topic of discussion: the effect of being trans on my psyche.
You have to understand. I spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't. I did this IN EVERY WAY imaginable. When I laughed I was careful not to giggle. If I was embarrassed I'd look away so I wouldn't hear another annoying comment on the way I blushed. I'd be careful to run correctly- you have to kinda keep your elbows bent at 90 degree angles you see rather than a sorta dainty girly prance in which your palms are facing down at your sides. Oh god, and never skip! Big no no. You don't wanna be called a FAGGOT. When you wake up, when you dress, when you eat your meals, when you go to the bathroom (never sit to pee, the boys will kick your ass for this, and it hurts your pride more than your head but that hurts too) when you joke, when you're happy, when you're sad, when you decide what you do and don't like, when you hug someone (but really you should just steer clear of hugging all together) when you play, when you do your school work (don't twirl your hair like that while you read faggot) when you watch TV (don't watch that, watch foot ball, what are ya, a girl?) when you walk (don't sway your hips like that! it's obscene! I don't ever want to catch you walking like that again young man!) when you go to bed... and even, yes even while you sleep in your dreams. THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT'S PEACE!!! So anyways, the point is you learn to lie about everything. Every minute detail of what is "you" is a big fat stinking lie. And you make friends, and your family says they love ya but how could that be remotely possible when they don't know the first thing about who you really are... you don't even know anymore. So do you understand? You don't value yourself at all. you learn to value the traits that others put there... it's like a sorta pseudo self esteem for things that aren't really yours. Like vicarious self esteem. I'm so glad my other self, my alter ego Mr. Golden Boy, is good at this. I'm so glad people think golden boy is handsome... but this is obviously not gonna work forever and so you come out of the closet. You finally after years of denial reveal yourself to friends and family alike and this is truly your one shot at being normal here... but they all reject you...
Now logically you know why they did this. you can understand, forgive, wait for the day they come around... but the fact remains that when you finally found your own voice, your own words, your own "you" everyone from family to friends and even strangers roundly tell you they hate you... So tell me,how can one have self esteem after that? Yeah it comes from within, but I'm only human. Do we not function under a group mentality? Do we not need some form of social feed back and reinforcement from the comunity at large?
So this is why I have a hole. This means I need to fill it and a woman who loves you- that's the real you 'cause she's never seen any different- who finds you attractive, charming, witty, clever, comforting, est est just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. She fills the whole until you're bursting. Finaly you can take on life... and then she leaves... and slowly the battery in the whole drains until you're outta gas and pathetic shell.
I try to leave this baggage out of a relationship. YES! I do see how unhealthy it is. I think I do leave it out of relationships but I know I don't because a pattern has emerged where my exes tell me in one way or another that they felt like I was with them 'cause I wanted a girlfriend not because I wanted them. And on some level I now know they're right, I can kinda see it now when I really think about it, when I'm honest- I don't like that though it's hard :P But at the same time I want to defend myself. There's so many girls that came anybetween my girlfriends whom I rejected 'cause I know they just weren't right for me. I waited for someone truly special to come along. And it's more than just high standards. There are such wonderful quirks, personality traits, pieces of them, whatever you wanna call it, that made each of my exes sooo very wonderful to me. But it was never enough. And with each failed relationship, each time I hear a girl tell me later, as my new best friend, that she finally had lesbian sex... you know, like it's such a big thing in their lives like so exciting and momentous and I get that but I want to scream out "WASN'T I YOUR FIRST? Didn't you call me beautiful and whipser nothings in my ear? Didn't we share something undeniably feminine under the covers?" It hurst soo bad to hear them discount me as the first lesbian lover. 'Cause, you see, I know it's true! I know that a giant erection inbetween us precludes girl/girl atraction. I know I'm a freak, a looser, I know I'm different, I know I'm maybe ok or so so but just not good enough. I just don't meet the right criteria. So my hole just gets bigger.
Maybe I wasn't being seen by them either. Maybe I was just as convenient for them as they were for me. Goddess, all this cynisism really goes against the grain. I'm still the Hopeless Romantic here!
Well enough of this tonight. The hole is there. It won't be dissapearing any time soon and my sins and those of my exes really don't matter- not any more. But you know, the hole is smaller than it was three years ago so therefore there must be hope. I can tell logically. I don't FEEL hopeful but I least I still know LOGICALLY that there's hope! YAY!
Oh, and if any of my friends are thinking of responding to this in any way it had better being interesting 'cause I think platitudes of any sort would really bug the hell out of me tonight... wow, I haven't been this standofish and offensive in a longe time... I should probable get sleep now. Seeps good... meh...
I have this sort of hole in my soul or whatever that needs to be filled and there's this sorta battery that's in that hole. I can fill it with things like cuddling, kissing, and the like with a romantic intrest... So when I don't have a girlfriend for a long time it slowly drains until I simply can't function right anymore. There's stuff that can give it emergency boosts- like say, a quick friendly hug from my roomate or grandma. A random stranger suddenly flirts with me. I nice person compliments my good taste or "superior" inteligence. Yeah, I get the obvious, my "hole" is self worth.
Sometimes when I get really desperate and there is no girlfriend forthcoming I end up going out for a one night stand. I know better. I'm not one of THOSE girls! Oh wait, that's right, I am one of those girls... *sigh* And I know it'll make me feel even more lonely the next day and cheap besides but still I do it because I need to feel desireable... And I swear I'll be really fucking pissed if any of my friends write or post a message to the effect of needing to have self esteem. It comes from within. You have to love yourself before... blah blah fucking blah. You think I don't know that geniuses! I'm an extremely logical person... I'm so bloody logical I can pick apart and analyze my own short comings endlessly. I even know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to make myself better... but I can't. I'm also an emotional mess you see. and so we return to the topic of discussion: the effect of being trans on my psyche.
You have to understand. I spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't. I did this IN EVERY WAY imaginable. When I laughed I was careful not to giggle. If I was embarrassed I'd look away so I wouldn't hear another annoying comment on the way I blushed. I'd be careful to run correctly- you have to kinda keep your elbows bent at 90 degree angles you see rather than a sorta dainty girly prance in which your palms are facing down at your sides. Oh god, and never skip! Big no no. You don't wanna be called a FAGGOT. When you wake up, when you dress, when you eat your meals, when you go to the bathroom (never sit to pee, the boys will kick your ass for this, and it hurts your pride more than your head but that hurts too) when you joke, when you're happy, when you're sad, when you decide what you do and don't like, when you hug someone (but really you should just steer clear of hugging all together) when you play, when you do your school work (don't twirl your hair like that while you read faggot) when you watch TV (don't watch that, watch foot ball, what are ya, a girl?) when you walk (don't sway your hips like that! it's obscene! I don't ever want to catch you walking like that again young man!) when you go to bed... and even, yes even while you sleep in your dreams. THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT'S PEACE!!! So anyways, the point is you learn to lie about everything. Every minute detail of what is "you" is a big fat stinking lie. And you make friends, and your family says they love ya but how could that be remotely possible when they don't know the first thing about who you really are... you don't even know anymore. So do you understand? You don't value yourself at all. you learn to value the traits that others put there... it's like a sorta pseudo self esteem for things that aren't really yours. Like vicarious self esteem. I'm so glad my other self, my alter ego Mr. Golden Boy, is good at this. I'm so glad people think golden boy is handsome... but this is obviously not gonna work forever and so you come out of the closet. You finally after years of denial reveal yourself to friends and family alike and this is truly your one shot at being normal here... but they all reject you...
Now logically you know why they did this. you can understand, forgive, wait for the day they come around... but the fact remains that when you finally found your own voice, your own words, your own "you" everyone from family to friends and even strangers roundly tell you they hate you... So tell me,how can one have self esteem after that? Yeah it comes from within, but I'm only human. Do we not function under a group mentality? Do we not need some form of social feed back and reinforcement from the comunity at large?
So this is why I have a hole. This means I need to fill it and a woman who loves you- that's the real you 'cause she's never seen any different- who finds you attractive, charming, witty, clever, comforting, est est just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. She fills the whole until you're bursting. Finaly you can take on life... and then she leaves... and slowly the battery in the whole drains until you're outta gas and pathetic shell.
I try to leave this baggage out of a relationship. YES! I do see how unhealthy it is. I think I do leave it out of relationships but I know I don't because a pattern has emerged where my exes tell me in one way or another that they felt like I was with them 'cause I wanted a girlfriend not because I wanted them. And on some level I now know they're right, I can kinda see it now when I really think about it, when I'm honest- I don't like that though it's hard :P But at the same time I want to defend myself. There's so many girls that came anybetween my girlfriends whom I rejected 'cause I know they just weren't right for me. I waited for someone truly special to come along. And it's more than just high standards. There are such wonderful quirks, personality traits, pieces of them, whatever you wanna call it, that made each of my exes sooo very wonderful to me. But it was never enough. And with each failed relationship, each time I hear a girl tell me later, as my new best friend, that she finally had lesbian sex... you know, like it's such a big thing in their lives like so exciting and momentous and I get that but I want to scream out "WASN'T I YOUR FIRST? Didn't you call me beautiful and whipser nothings in my ear? Didn't we share something undeniably feminine under the covers?" It hurst soo bad to hear them discount me as the first lesbian lover. 'Cause, you see, I know it's true! I know that a giant erection inbetween us precludes girl/girl atraction. I know I'm a freak, a looser, I know I'm different, I know I'm maybe ok or so so but just not good enough. I just don't meet the right criteria. So my hole just gets bigger.
Maybe I wasn't being seen by them either. Maybe I was just as convenient for them as they were for me. Goddess, all this cynisism really goes against the grain. I'm still the Hopeless Romantic here!
Well enough of this tonight. The hole is there. It won't be dissapearing any time soon and my sins and those of my exes really don't matter- not any more. But you know, the hole is smaller than it was three years ago so therefore there must be hope. I can tell logically. I don't FEEL hopeful but I least I still know LOGICALLY that there's hope! YAY!
Oh, and if any of my friends are thinking of responding to this in any way it had better being interesting 'cause I think platitudes of any sort would really bug the hell out of me tonight... wow, I haven't been this standofish and offensive in a longe time... I should probable get sleep now. Seeps good... meh...