Everyone and their dog wrote this weekend . . .
So I promised myself that I would not write a "my life is so emo and I will write about it poetically" livejournal. It was to be light hearted, and not super personal. But in lieu of recent events, i am sorry to inform that this entry is really going to be along those dashboardesque lines.
I am so confused. I literally do not really know or understand what I am thinking. And on top of that, I don't even know how to convey what I am trying to say. I am still really upset. Although now, I'm not so much upset about the breakup, more so about our relationship. Then and now. Everyone I've talked to has told me that I am much better than that. That I deserve better than him. Even all of his friends have said multiple times that they wondered what I was thinking when I started dating him. So, what was I thinking? This cute, funny, social, outgoing guy liked me. and I liked him. And he is a hell of a good kisser. Sounds like it would work, right?
I can't help but wonder, how much of this has to do with the fact that I haven't had a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. I know that he said that it was all him--he was just at a bad point in his life to have a girlfriend-but isn't that what they always say? "its not you, its me" ? And if it really wasn't me, would he make out with 4 girls in front of me a few days after we broke up? Am I out of line to say that that is not ok? Really, technically, I am. I mean, we aren't together, so he can do whatever he wants. But we were supposed to stay friends. He knew I was upset (although he didn't want me telling him about it, which i find semi weird), so why would he do that? I pose a question to all .5 readers: was there something wrong with him doing that? I know he is going to be hooking up with other girls. I just didn't think it would be in front of me. Or that soon. I guess i'm naive. But as a decent human being, who knew that i was really upset, and who said that he wanted to stay friends . . .i really believe that that was unacceptable behavior. friends dont do things that they know 100% will hurt someone they care about.
On the other hand (yes, this is a bipolar entry), he was drunk. And when he is drunk, I hate who he becomes. He wouldn't have done that if he was sober. I don't think. Still, you are who you are, no matter how thin your blood is.
I keep coming back to the question everyone keeps asking me. Why did I date him in the first place. His friends keep telling me he ignored me or acted like a jerk to me when we were together. But really, I think he was just being social. And they didn't see it when we were alone. Then again, I don't think I really did either. I think I made it out to be something much better than it actually was. Now, don't assume everything I say is an absolute. Those of you who know me well know I don't believe in absolutes. There were a lot of genuinely good times. And I genuinely did (and still do) like him. However (and feel free to correct me if im wrong, like i said im no dating expert), a relationship is about give and take. I was giving a lot, and wasn't really getting much of anything. I really hope that he is right in saying that it is just because he is not at a point in his life where he can be a good boyfriend. But I really think that part of it is just how it is. When I jokingly said something about him getting me flowers, his response was that he dated his last girlfriend for a year and never once got her flowers. Not that flowers are a necessity to happy relationship, but I could list right now all of the things I got him and did for him and all of the dinners I payed for...if i did the same for him...well, you could barely even call it a "list".
I really hope that I can figure this all out. Why I like him. Why I'm still unhappy with the situation. What I can change in myself to make my future better. What I did wrong. And I really hope that I can stay friends with him. And stop caring so much. That was definitely a big factor in the demise of "us". I cared way too much. But was it just too much for our specific relationship, and for him, or was it too much for any relationship? I'd like to hope it was case specific. Because I like caring. I like putting my whole heart into something. And I have high hopes that the next time I do, I'll get somebody else's heart back.
I am so confused. I literally do not really know or understand what I am thinking. And on top of that, I don't even know how to convey what I am trying to say. I am still really upset. Although now, I'm not so much upset about the breakup, more so about our relationship. Then and now. Everyone I've talked to has told me that I am much better than that. That I deserve better than him. Even all of his friends have said multiple times that they wondered what I was thinking when I started dating him. So, what was I thinking? This cute, funny, social, outgoing guy liked me. and I liked him. And he is a hell of a good kisser. Sounds like it would work, right?
I can't help but wonder, how much of this has to do with the fact that I haven't had a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. I know that he said that it was all him--he was just at a bad point in his life to have a girlfriend-but isn't that what they always say? "its not you, its me" ? And if it really wasn't me, would he make out with 4 girls in front of me a few days after we broke up? Am I out of line to say that that is not ok? Really, technically, I am. I mean, we aren't together, so he can do whatever he wants. But we were supposed to stay friends. He knew I was upset (although he didn't want me telling him about it, which i find semi weird), so why would he do that? I pose a question to all .5 readers: was there something wrong with him doing that? I know he is going to be hooking up with other girls. I just didn't think it would be in front of me. Or that soon. I guess i'm naive. But as a decent human being, who knew that i was really upset, and who said that he wanted to stay friends . . .i really believe that that was unacceptable behavior. friends dont do things that they know 100% will hurt someone they care about.
On the other hand (yes, this is a bipolar entry), he was drunk. And when he is drunk, I hate who he becomes. He wouldn't have done that if he was sober. I don't think. Still, you are who you are, no matter how thin your blood is.
I keep coming back to the question everyone keeps asking me. Why did I date him in the first place. His friends keep telling me he ignored me or acted like a jerk to me when we were together. But really, I think he was just being social. And they didn't see it when we were alone. Then again, I don't think I really did either. I think I made it out to be something much better than it actually was. Now, don't assume everything I say is an absolute. Those of you who know me well know I don't believe in absolutes. There were a lot of genuinely good times. And I genuinely did (and still do) like him. However (and feel free to correct me if im wrong, like i said im no dating expert), a relationship is about give and take. I was giving a lot, and wasn't really getting much of anything. I really hope that he is right in saying that it is just because he is not at a point in his life where he can be a good boyfriend. But I really think that part of it is just how it is. When I jokingly said something about him getting me flowers, his response was that he dated his last girlfriend for a year and never once got her flowers. Not that flowers are a necessity to happy relationship, but I could list right now all of the things I got him and did for him and all of the dinners I payed for...if i did the same for him...well, you could barely even call it a "list".
I really hope that I can figure this all out. Why I like him. Why I'm still unhappy with the situation. What I can change in myself to make my future better. What I did wrong. And I really hope that I can stay friends with him. And stop caring so much. That was definitely a big factor in the demise of "us". I cared way too much. But was it just too much for our specific relationship, and for him, or was it too much for any relationship? I'd like to hope it was case specific. Because I like caring. I like putting my whole heart into something. And I have high hopes that the next time I do, I'll get somebody else's heart back.