just keep swimming
well i changed offices today, i am in tim's office because he is out of town this week and the new agent took my office. while i like the bigger desk and office i have for this week the thing that really sucks is that right now i don't have access to the network drive from here, i need to wait for deb to map me to this computer, so that means that staying busy is not that easy right now, and what i need is to be busy with something that is not rocket science but requires my brain to focus on it so i don't think about other things. i imagine that if i weren't dealing with 2 relativly drastic life changes within less than a year of each other it might not be so bad, but i am so that makes it difficult. i mean from the time i was comfortable with coming out i had a girlfriend, and now i don't. and that feels strange to me, and it also being my first broken heart just compounds things. some people say she just wasn't ready yet, she says we did not match on importnat levels, i don't know what to believe, she says it has nothing to do with me or the type of girlfriend that i was, that no one could hold a candle to the type of girlfriend i was, but if that was true and she was happy there had to be something else, because i don't understand how you could be happy and have a good girlfriend and then just call it quits. to me that makes no sense.
and i try to not think about it. i do. but it is there. and my head works in a way that i think about stuff until i understand it or it hurts my head too much. and the truth is i am just not there yet.
i sent out the email i was working on since saturday, i felt pretty good about that when i did it. because to me it signifies that there is an end now, i have said my piece, something i did not get to do before, i had a dream last night though that got my mind working again, she was in it see. and it started out fine, like this whole thing never happened, like i had finally woken up from this horrible nightmare, but it ended with me looking her in the eyes and saying we have to talk about some stuff. and maybe that was just my brain's way of saying ok, this is what you just did. how do you feel about that? and the truth is i think i feel good about it, but it will take some time before i really know.
i mean i look at my days, and i look at me and i can't help but feel and think that there is this huge part of me missing now. which for all intents and purposes is true. the emotional support i have had for the last 6 months, the person who i wanted to talk to when cool stuff happened isn't there, and can't be there, for a long time, if ever again. and that is the part that is killing me, which i guess is normal, but i don't know.
i hadn't seen her in nearly a month, so while i am getting used to the idea that the last time i kissed her was the last time, and while i still can't get the images of her and her face out of my head, one haunting image with my jersey lingers, the physical side i have already grown somewhat accostomed to not having, though i imagine that would have been more difficult if i had known that a month ago. but since the last time i saw her we talked, i told her exciting news, she told me stuff, she said it was good to her my voice after her conference, that she was excited to see me.
the emotional connection was still there, still strong, and it is mourning that that i am stuck on right now. and it sucks.
though i did finally feel like i was able to take that last step and do what i needed to do for me to heal proper last night. you see steph told me she talked to her, and that they would be ok, and i cannot explain it, but the possibility of being the reason that my sister lost a good friend made the situation that much worse, because i would have felt guilty and terrible for a long time if she decided that was it, because the relationship i had with her friend did not work out. but she made the effort, and fromteh way she sounded it seems like there is a legit shot of her not losing the friendship, which yes would be more clear-cut if things had been handled differently. but those are things that will either sort themselves out in the end or not. but all parties seem to want to try to have that happen. so maybe it will.
and i guess the thing that makes me hopefult that that can be the resolution is that before it happened she was a friend and she was fun to hang out with. so i remember that. steph told me that despite her efforts to keep ben as a friend after they split what it came down to was that ben was a lousy friend too. i remember katie being a good friend, to me, to steph, to mike, and so i hope that that knowledge and that personality trait will allow for us to be friends again after the healing has happened. we will see. i hope the netowk drive is on my computer, because i would like to have something to do other than analyze this relationship and why it didn't work.
and i try to not think about it. i do. but it is there. and my head works in a way that i think about stuff until i understand it or it hurts my head too much. and the truth is i am just not there yet.
i sent out the email i was working on since saturday, i felt pretty good about that when i did it. because to me it signifies that there is an end now, i have said my piece, something i did not get to do before, i had a dream last night though that got my mind working again, she was in it see. and it started out fine, like this whole thing never happened, like i had finally woken up from this horrible nightmare, but it ended with me looking her in the eyes and saying we have to talk about some stuff. and maybe that was just my brain's way of saying ok, this is what you just did. how do you feel about that? and the truth is i think i feel good about it, but it will take some time before i really know.
i mean i look at my days, and i look at me and i can't help but feel and think that there is this huge part of me missing now. which for all intents and purposes is true. the emotional support i have had for the last 6 months, the person who i wanted to talk to when cool stuff happened isn't there, and can't be there, for a long time, if ever again. and that is the part that is killing me, which i guess is normal, but i don't know.
i hadn't seen her in nearly a month, so while i am getting used to the idea that the last time i kissed her was the last time, and while i still can't get the images of her and her face out of my head, one haunting image with my jersey lingers, the physical side i have already grown somewhat accostomed to not having, though i imagine that would have been more difficult if i had known that a month ago. but since the last time i saw her we talked, i told her exciting news, she told me stuff, she said it was good to her my voice after her conference, that she was excited to see me.
the emotional connection was still there, still strong, and it is mourning that that i am stuck on right now. and it sucks.
though i did finally feel like i was able to take that last step and do what i needed to do for me to heal proper last night. you see steph told me she talked to her, and that they would be ok, and i cannot explain it, but the possibility of being the reason that my sister lost a good friend made the situation that much worse, because i would have felt guilty and terrible for a long time if she decided that was it, because the relationship i had with her friend did not work out. but she made the effort, and fromteh way she sounded it seems like there is a legit shot of her not losing the friendship, which yes would be more clear-cut if things had been handled differently. but those are things that will either sort themselves out in the end or not. but all parties seem to want to try to have that happen. so maybe it will.
and i guess the thing that makes me hopefult that that can be the resolution is that before it happened she was a friend and she was fun to hang out with. so i remember that. steph told me that despite her efforts to keep ben as a friend after they split what it came down to was that ben was a lousy friend too. i remember katie being a good friend, to me, to steph, to mike, and so i hope that that knowledge and that personality trait will allow for us to be friends again after the healing has happened. we will see. i hope the netowk drive is on my computer, because i would like to have something to do other than analyze this relationship and why it didn't work.