(no subject)
Disregard my last entry (in reference to the spat Mums and I were going through). We talked about it. We came to an understanding of the situation. All is cool...except:
Today has been a rollercoaster day.
-First, the Mom spat.
-Then, as I was telling C about the Mom spat, he was being very unattentive (etc.) which caused me to wild out a bit. I hung up on him (it's not like he was listening anyway)...and turned my cell phone off. He called my house. I told him I didn't want to talk. It probably sounds immature, but a lot of times when I feel wronged or burdened I automatically think to talk to him as a vent or a cure. I don't think he understands that, but I realize that's probably too much to put on him for things so petty (for lack of a better word). I wrote in my offline journal awhile and then called him back. I brought up "the break"--we deaded the idea temporarily, but when he gets off work...we need to discuss that again. I'm realizing this break I'm pushing for is not because I'm unhappy, or solely trying to search for someone new, it's just that I'm too wrapped up in him...and that's not normal for me.
-Hours later, I'm about to walk over to the corner store (aka bodega for all you NYC heads) and I see my Mom slouching in a weird way on the couch. She informed me that another one of my cousins died. I guess it was today--some time this morning. The extremely sad part about it is that her (my cousin's) son (Anthony) died like three months ago. He apparently had a sickle cell attack. He was 21. I wrote about it in here. My cousin (Ant's Mom) had to be in her thirties. She got sick and was in the hospital and passed. Her death really has me reflecting hard on life. I wish I had the energy to elaborate. When I first heard about her dying I couldn't cry, because my Mom was in tears as she told me. She practically raised this woman as a child.
Unfortunately, my cousin had a hard life once she was out of my immediate fam's hands. It was so strange to see my Mom as the vulnerable one. From a completely wet face she told me she was tired of seeing so many people die--young people at that--and not knowing where there faith was. I told her not to let that stress her. It was no longer in her hands.
I was finally able to shed tears once I got alone in my room. It's crazy because death really has me building up a wall . I'm (subconsciously) trying to become desensitized to it. I started thinking about the day(s) when all close to me move on. How many people I care for, and how many days in my future, hold the heartbreak their deaths would lead to. For some reason, I wanted to hear Nas' "Purple", which made me cry even more. I kept listening to it, on repeat. It had me thinking of the root problem...or at least trying to find it. There's so much wrong IN and WITH this world. It hurts me. HURTS DEEP...cause it's overwhelming to think of "fixing" it.
Life is like a jungle black it's like the habitat of Tarzan
Matter of fact, it's harder than most can imagine
Most of my niggaz packed in correctional facilities
Half of them passed on, mack strong, couple of shots
May the ghost leave a body, now they hauntin the block
Where they used to stand at, somebody's takin they place
A younger man perhaps, hand slaps, can't understand that
Same walk, same talk, I wonder can that be possible
A thug dies, another step inside his shoes....
Somebody tell these shorties reach for the stars
Instead they tell 'em how to reach through the bars, holdin a mirror
Lookin down a tear in jail, makin weapons to kill ya
but to some it all up...he has one line that just stuck out to me cause I've been saying this to C for months now..."It's a ugly nation"
and that's real.
My cousin leaves behind at least 4 young kids. I think their ages range from about 4 to 13. R.I.P. Cuzzo.
If I was cool like yelnats I'd leave a link for peeps to d/l "Purple," but maybe another day.
Peace.
Today has been a rollercoaster day.
-First, the Mom spat.
-Then, as I was telling C about the Mom spat, he was being very unattentive (etc.) which caused me to wild out a bit. I hung up on him (it's not like he was listening anyway)...and turned my cell phone off. He called my house. I told him I didn't want to talk. It probably sounds immature, but a lot of times when I feel wronged or burdened I automatically think to talk to him as a vent or a cure. I don't think he understands that, but I realize that's probably too much to put on him for things so petty (for lack of a better word). I wrote in my offline journal awhile and then called him back. I brought up "the break"--we deaded the idea temporarily, but when he gets off work...we need to discuss that again. I'm realizing this break I'm pushing for is not because I'm unhappy, or solely trying to search for someone new, it's just that I'm too wrapped up in him...and that's not normal for me.
-Hours later, I'm about to walk over to the corner store (aka bodega for all you NYC heads) and I see my Mom slouching in a weird way on the couch. She informed me that another one of my cousins died. I guess it was today--some time this morning. The extremely sad part about it is that her (my cousin's) son (Anthony) died like three months ago. He apparently had a sickle cell attack. He was 21. I wrote about it in here. My cousin (Ant's Mom) had to be in her thirties. She got sick and was in the hospital and passed. Her death really has me reflecting hard on life. I wish I had the energy to elaborate. When I first heard about her dying I couldn't cry, because my Mom was in tears as she told me. She practically raised this woman as a child.
Unfortunately, my cousin had a hard life once she was out of my immediate fam's hands. It was so strange to see my Mom as the vulnerable one. From a completely wet face she told me she was tired of seeing so many people die--young people at that--and not knowing where there faith was. I told her not to let that stress her. It was no longer in her hands.
I was finally able to shed tears once I got alone in my room. It's crazy because death really has me building up a wall . I'm (subconsciously) trying to become desensitized to it. I started thinking about the day(s) when all close to me move on. How many people I care for, and how many days in my future, hold the heartbreak their deaths would lead to. For some reason, I wanted to hear Nas' "Purple", which made me cry even more. I kept listening to it, on repeat. It had me thinking of the root problem...or at least trying to find it. There's so much wrong IN and WITH this world. It hurts me. HURTS DEEP...cause it's overwhelming to think of "fixing" it.
Life is like a jungle black it's like the habitat of Tarzan
Matter of fact, it's harder than most can imagine
Most of my niggaz packed in correctional facilities
Half of them passed on, mack strong, couple of shots
May the ghost leave a body, now they hauntin the block
Where they used to stand at, somebody's takin they place
A younger man perhaps, hand slaps, can't understand that
Same walk, same talk, I wonder can that be possible
A thug dies, another step inside his shoes....
Somebody tell these shorties reach for the stars
Instead they tell 'em how to reach through the bars, holdin a mirror
Lookin down a tear in jail, makin weapons to kill ya
but to some it all up...he has one line that just stuck out to me cause I've been saying this to C for months now..."It's a ugly nation"
and that's real.
My cousin leaves behind at least 4 young kids. I think their ages range from about 4 to 13. R.I.P. Cuzzo.
If I was cool like yelnats I'd leave a link for peeps to d/l "Purple," but maybe another day.
Peace.