(no subject)
I think I've come to a point of realisation about Alex staying at my house.
I get a slight nostalgic feeling when I think about the times when it's just my parents and I (well, it was Ben too but all he ever really did was grunt). It's not that I don't enjoy her staying here, there's just a part of me that misses how it used to be. I do have alot of fun with Alex though, and she distracts me from the a million and one things going on.... but in way, home is not home with Alex here if I were to be very honest.
Diarys are difficult things to write. You either sound pretentious and dramatic, exacerbating every detail of your life, or you end up just listing what you did and what you want to do, including every trivial detail of your life. Really, it would be ideal just to write exactly what I'm feeling right here right now. But I seem to freeze a little. So, yup here goes.
Thursday I went to JT's book signing. Everyone was there. I felt fat though, self consious. I wanted to go when I felt pretty and I was generally in a bad mood. I just remembered his last one, again I had felt exactly the same before that too. Seems so repeatitive ... but I'll write more about that later.
But yes, Sam Chandler was there. He is very very nice. We talked most of the time (the rest of it I was made to small talk with other randomers. I hate small talk). I get on with him really well. I always assume it's going to be awkward with him but it never is... there's always loads to talk about. He was going to come out with us on Friday, but had other plans. He is coming to see Pendulum (YEAH) at SeOne with us on the 2nd December and I cannot wait!
Ben (the brother) came down from oxford as well for the signing. I miss him, weirdly... never really got that before. Chatted about the situation with him and Alice. She dumped him and now she's pissed he's going out with Kate. Jeez woman, in the words of the Rolling Stones- you can't always get what you want (memories of my parents wedding). Anyway, he sounds like he's having a way better time with Kate. He went raving the day before from 11am - 6 am... I didn't even know that exsisted.
The book is good. It's meant to be fictional but it's VERY autobiographical. My dad's called Harry in it and my mum's called Jessica (after me!). Sam's mum was JT's girlfriend at the time so he has wisely chosen not to read it due to the sex scenes, I can't say I blame him. Everyone BUY IT! It's called Taking Leave by Jeremy Thomas.. it's very funny. If you like Nick Hornby's style of writing, you'll like his.
On Friday we didn't end up going to Fabric because Pendulum wasn't live, just dj sets. Instead we went to an all night warehouse party in Brick Lane. It was so good. I started off the evening in a very bad mood as I felt ugly and everyone was drunk and I wasn't and they were annoying me and my E hadn't kicked in yet and it was so far away. BUT we got there and it was amazing. The warehouse was very underground, new rave scence. Everyone was very individual. Actually, everyone was fucked. The music was so good, I danced lots. Peaches Geldof was there but she looked very boring. She just stood in the corner with her boyfriend holding a beer. I met Dev from Test Icicles, haha he's a joker.
And oops I cheated on Rob. With this guy called James who is so lovely. He was so sweet and he said "You're so fucking pretty" which made me feel alot better about myself. We got on really well and spent the whole evening together. But then there is Rob. After his pathetic "I miss you" text, I said to him "when will I be able to see you then" and he didn't reply. So fuck him. I really couldn't give a shit if I cheated on him. I know I know I should ditch him but I don't want to because I know when he comes back at christmas I'll want to be with him. He's at boarding school so he'll never know plus I bet he's cheated on me. It's complicated but for now I'm going to act mad at him and not talk to him because then I know he will react. Trust me it will work.
It took so long to get back on Friday and finally fell through the front door at 7am. I started hallucinating, it was fucking weird. All the shadows in my room were forming people, like rappers, and approaching me. It wasn't scary because I knew I was imagining it, it was just annoying because I needed to sleep.
On Saturday I had so much art to do so I stayed in all day and did that. My parents said I could go out in the evening if I want but they "advised against it". In the end, nothing was really happening so I watched Bedazzled (Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore) with them and made a christmas list BECAUSE I'M COOL.
Today, I had to do art AGAIN. Alex's brother came for dinner. My dad started talking about what different words there were for boobs. It was embarressing. He said he liked babylons or shelf kit, Alex's brother found him funny at least, even though it was the first time he'd met him. So yes. I guess Friday was really the only good night.
Next weekend I'm meant to be going to Oxford to visit Ben at uni. I can't wait. I really want to see what it's like being at university. And I want to meet his new girlfriend.
Food wise, I did really well yesterday and not so well today. I've made a plan until december that I have to follow but I'm also going to have a little competition with myself to see how many meals I can skip a day. I have to be 98lbs by my 17th birthday. I can't have 2 years of trying and failing to lose this weight. I will be 98lbs by december 12th and 102 lbs by december 1st. I really have to push myself. Nobody said it was easy.
I get a slight nostalgic feeling when I think about the times when it's just my parents and I (well, it was Ben too but all he ever really did was grunt). It's not that I don't enjoy her staying here, there's just a part of me that misses how it used to be. I do have alot of fun with Alex though, and she distracts me from the a million and one things going on.... but in way, home is not home with Alex here if I were to be very honest.
Diarys are difficult things to write. You either sound pretentious and dramatic, exacerbating every detail of your life, or you end up just listing what you did and what you want to do, including every trivial detail of your life. Really, it would be ideal just to write exactly what I'm feeling right here right now. But I seem to freeze a little. So, yup here goes.
Thursday I went to JT's book signing. Everyone was there. I felt fat though, self consious. I wanted to go when I felt pretty and I was generally in a bad mood. I just remembered his last one, again I had felt exactly the same before that too. Seems so repeatitive ... but I'll write more about that later.
But yes, Sam Chandler was there. He is very very nice. We talked most of the time (the rest of it I was made to small talk with other randomers. I hate small talk). I get on with him really well. I always assume it's going to be awkward with him but it never is... there's always loads to talk about. He was going to come out with us on Friday, but had other plans. He is coming to see Pendulum (YEAH) at SeOne with us on the 2nd December and I cannot wait!
Ben (the brother) came down from oxford as well for the signing. I miss him, weirdly... never really got that before. Chatted about the situation with him and Alice. She dumped him and now she's pissed he's going out with Kate. Jeez woman, in the words of the Rolling Stones- you can't always get what you want (memories of my parents wedding). Anyway, he sounds like he's having a way better time with Kate. He went raving the day before from 11am - 6 am... I didn't even know that exsisted.
The book is good. It's meant to be fictional but it's VERY autobiographical. My dad's called Harry in it and my mum's called Jessica (after me!). Sam's mum was JT's girlfriend at the time so he has wisely chosen not to read it due to the sex scenes, I can't say I blame him. Everyone BUY IT! It's called Taking Leave by Jeremy Thomas.. it's very funny. If you like Nick Hornby's style of writing, you'll like his.
On Friday we didn't end up going to Fabric because Pendulum wasn't live, just dj sets. Instead we went to an all night warehouse party in Brick Lane. It was so good. I started off the evening in a very bad mood as I felt ugly and everyone was drunk and I wasn't and they were annoying me and my E hadn't kicked in yet and it was so far away. BUT we got there and it was amazing. The warehouse was very underground, new rave scence. Everyone was very individual. Actually, everyone was fucked. The music was so good, I danced lots. Peaches Geldof was there but she looked very boring. She just stood in the corner with her boyfriend holding a beer. I met Dev from Test Icicles, haha he's a joker.
And oops I cheated on Rob. With this guy called James who is so lovely. He was so sweet and he said "You're so fucking pretty" which made me feel alot better about myself. We got on really well and spent the whole evening together. But then there is Rob. After his pathetic "I miss you" text, I said to him "when will I be able to see you then" and he didn't reply. So fuck him. I really couldn't give a shit if I cheated on him. I know I know I should ditch him but I don't want to because I know when he comes back at christmas I'll want to be with him. He's at boarding school so he'll never know plus I bet he's cheated on me. It's complicated but for now I'm going to act mad at him and not talk to him because then I know he will react. Trust me it will work.
It took so long to get back on Friday and finally fell through the front door at 7am. I started hallucinating, it was fucking weird. All the shadows in my room were forming people, like rappers, and approaching me. It wasn't scary because I knew I was imagining it, it was just annoying because I needed to sleep.
On Saturday I had so much art to do so I stayed in all day and did that. My parents said I could go out in the evening if I want but they "advised against it". In the end, nothing was really happening so I watched Bedazzled (Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore) with them and made a christmas list BECAUSE I'M COOL.
Today, I had to do art AGAIN. Alex's brother came for dinner. My dad started talking about what different words there were for boobs. It was embarressing. He said he liked babylons or shelf kit, Alex's brother found him funny at least, even though it was the first time he'd met him. So yes. I guess Friday was really the only good night.
Next weekend I'm meant to be going to Oxford to visit Ben at uni. I can't wait. I really want to see what it's like being at university. And I want to meet his new girlfriend.
Food wise, I did really well yesterday and not so well today. I've made a plan until december that I have to follow but I'm also going to have a little competition with myself to see how many meals I can skip a day. I have to be 98lbs by my 17th birthday. I can't have 2 years of trying and failing to lose this weight. I will be 98lbs by december 12th and 102 lbs by december 1st. I really have to push myself. Nobody said it was easy.