(no subject)
well. im almost better. the flu seriously sucks and unexpected cruel illness pretty much trumps most crappy gtown experiences. i do not feel like telling or retelling the events of this week but i do feel strangely compelled to write. its odd that i wrote a short story right before i got sick and its strange that i was so in tune with what happened. not eventwise, certainly i didnt see that coming, but emotionally. im a dependent person. ive all this time, all through hs thought as myself as rather independant. my sister has always had the kind of friends that you run to when something goes wrong or when you feel sad or when stuff happens and i never did. and i did for a while at gtown, or think that i did. but really i think i am leaving behind a bunch of behavior or really the reason for behavior that i dont want anymore. theres nothing wrong with me. i didnt fail anybody. you cant blame me and i wont feel bad about it. im sick of feeling anxious when everything is quiet. im not happy that i cant face thurs 1 am without this sense of panic. and i cant remember the day before yesterday and everything i feel now feels permanent, feels like it was always there. but i cant trust that because i seem to have emotions like a yo-yo and i can laugh and cry in the same breath and it doesnt make it any less real. and it doesnt make it anyless powerful. and i go back on forth on being alone and being lonely. and being alone and being independent. and just plain being alone. i used to like alone. i think throwing up this many days in a row makes shit go wrong in your head. cause the sucking feeling in my stomach seems to be intricately connected to the feeling that my heart is going to stop and that my shoulders will seize up and that in 2 minutes or so i wont be able to deal with any of this anymore. when did you stop sharing? it kind of feels good to know my private sphere has its curtains pulled. i need a rest from bearing my soul. and im happy that im regaining the reigns. and i hate that i still cant spell. its 1:40 am and i have tons of math hw and class at 9am and this creeping feeling that this might really be brought on by a pesky little lowgrade fever and a general lack of sleep. but i would kinda do anything to get out of this stupid math. i think this is post traumatic stress. i think this is the fall out. i think i can handle everything but my future. i wish my mom was awake. i need a lifeline.